LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

thoughts on forgiveness


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree20Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th September 2013, 4:55 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 223
How can someone "decide to not care". Either you care or you don't. You don't make a decision about it. Its a bit like deciding that you don't like a work of art or something. Sometimes it is like therapists have a book of "therapy phrases" they pull randomly from their manual. I doubt they even know what they mean.

I am sorry that all this infidelity is still such a dominant theme in your life. Although it is totally understandable. I hope you guys can continue to communicate better and better so you can then anticipate each others' needs. I think that is the only way you will trust him more and then finally be more happy.
James-London is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 5:00 PM   #32
Established Member
 
ChooseTruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NorthWest US
Posts: 450
Quote:
Originally Posted by katielee View Post
choosetruth - we are 3.5 years out from mine. 1.5 years out from his...
I am a believer that its easier to trust with a confession rather than being found out... and he agrees but that's the way it shook out. I confessed, he got caught.

Snooping - I haven't looked at his email since April 2012. As long as I know i could, and he leaves his phone around for me, that's good enough for me. I look at phone records about once a month.

I don't need him to call me to prove his whereabouts. I do need him to call me to check in just to chat and connect. I don't want to need that but it appears it makes me a lot calmer.

What I discussed in IC this am is that there is a business breakfast tomorrow am where OW#2 works. We have not discussed it. I just want to see what he will do. and if he will tell me about it. that will tell me a lot about his commitment to the marriage. I'm in a little tizzy about it and I suppose that's why I had to post today. My IC says "enough living this way. Decide to not care where he is or what he is doing." I can't do it.
OK so you have some distance from both. 4 months after D-Day my snooping had really dropped to a small amount and trust was returning..but then I found a mass of lies and that set us WAAAYY back.

If he's going to be around an OW...that's probably going to trigger you no matter what the timeline is and he should understand that and be proactive about reassuring you I would think. You shouldn't have to ask...but don't let that stop you from asking.
__________________
Without truth first, actions will be based on lies and misinformation. When truth is complicated, it's often because lies came first.
(AKA NH)
ChooseTruth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 5:00 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 692
Quote:
Originally Posted by katielee View Post
My IC says "enough living this way. Decide to not care where he is or what he is doing." I can't do it.
Two thoughts to ponder:

1 - For the first few years forgiveness is a daily decision. It's okay to not forgive on a particular day. During the first 3 years post d-day I allowed myself days that I chose not to forgive. On those days it was just too hard. I knew that the next day would be better, and I could make the decision to forgive. I allowed myself "bad" days.

2 - At some point if you are going to successfully reconcile you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable again. This does not mean blind trust, but you will have to open yourself up to vulnerability at some point. Intimacy involves risk. Being 1.5 years out might not be enough time for you. That's okay.
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 5:28 PM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 1,845
I swear only ppl who have been through this understand. Thank you!!

I'm not going to ask about tomorrow. It's his deal to tell me...I need to know if he will come to me with something uncomfortable. If not, then I know....
katielee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 6:16 PM   #35
Established Member
 
AlwaysGrowing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,463
Katie, I admire your resilience.

You seem like a genuine soul who is looking for peace.

You say that your thoughts reside in "our future". Is it that you doubt it, or are afraid to believe it.
AlwaysGrowing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 6:33 PM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 1,845
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Katie, I admire your resilience.

You seem like a genuine soul who is looking for peace.

You say that your thoughts reside in "our future". Is it that you doubt it, or are afraid to believe it.

I guess I mean, I wonder what will happen to us. I wonder if I can get passed this.
katielee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 7:34 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 3,685
Quote:
Originally Posted by katielee View Post
...

Tough tough IC session where she said: you feel like **** every day. You are too dependent on him and his actions to make you feel safe and happy.. Just depend on yourself.. man, tough to hear.. true though. Not sure why I am stuck as I have a big life...
It amazes me that any counselor would actually say something like this to a client. If you, the client, don't come to these conclusions yourself then this is just noise - like something you read on a bumper sticker. Ask your counselor why she feels the need to tell you how you feel and what you should do to feel happier.
drifter777 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th September 2013, 7:41 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 1,845
drifter - honestly, I think she was trying to say, "wake up from this co-dependent bull crap." We are going to target this next week with EMDR. This dependency has been going on since we were first married, I had three babies - a set of twins born when our son was 12 months old , and he had the job. Wow, we were stressed back then!
katielee is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Forgiveness XYZ1234567 Breaks and Breaking Up 10 2nd September 2013 9:40 PM
How do you get to forgiveness? Wisteria Coping 6 13th September 2011 9:50 AM
Forgiveness mikeymad Separation and Divorce 0 12th January 2010 10:30 PM
What are your thoughts on forgiveness? andysw Spirituality & Religious Beliefs 17 6th October 2008 5:11 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:01 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.