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Perspective from a MM and ?'s


Good Love Bad

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I'm a MM who has had an A. I have been reading a lot of your posts on this board, at first out of curiosity of what the OW have to go through. I essentially knew the pain, sorrow and anger my OW was going through and felt terribly guilty, these posts just confirmed things for me and shows that these situations are complicated, similar but with many variations.

 

The types of MM (and MW?)

1. The Douche - a player who just wants sex and usually does not have lengthy A's cause he is figured out quite quickly.

2. The Liar - does not reveal he is married or in a relationship until it is too late, he is caught or sometimes never.

3. The Fall Guy - does not have bad intentions but falls for someone and starts an A he never thought he would be in this situation.

4. The Ego - A guy that needs constant stroking to keep building himself as a man.

5. The Sex Addict - can easily be part of any of the above

 

I do think many of the posts on here involve MM 3 and 4, because they are deeply rooted with passion feelings, that are hard to end and get over.

 

The question I see most is why does the MM stay with his W. First of all we can all agree cheating is the lowest of the low. No one is willing to admit to this shameful act, and to leave a Spouse because you had an Affair involves so many people; kids, relatives, parents, friends, in laws... D is hard without an A involve, you are divorcing an entire group of people and also cheating on an entire group of people. So it is much easier to stay with a W or H who you do not wish to hurt who is not terrible but does not give you the spark that is so brilliantly bright in an A. A lot of times it is just bad timing, if you were kids you would just break up, but marriage makes it hard, kids make it harder.

 

Part two of that is fear. Fear that you may not end up with you OW or OM, is the passion that is so strong, due to the secrecy and limited nature of the relationship. Would it last under normal conditions or are the feelings mainly fueled by the fantasy relationship which is just that for some MM, even though they may not realize it.

 

I wonder if my OW would have truly wanted to be with the real me. Not that I wasn't real but she only got the good parts of attention, adoration, emotion, romantic gestures. How would she handle the mundane me, watching football, work stress, occasional bad moods...normalcy? Probably the bigger question is could the MM handle the real life normalcy of the OW. A's are such a small percentage of what happens in real life and they are mostly all icing and not much cake.

 

For me the cake was what I craved I loved the normal time and interactions with my OW (I feel awful calling her that) I was the Fall guy and loved and still love her deeply I did not want to hurt her my W or anyone, but I hurt everyone. It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person. I do believe men and women are so different and it is easier for woman to be monogamous and for weak men to be weak.

 

I do not mean for any of this to sound harsh its just my opinion from what I have lived read and thought about for countless hours. My heart is broken and sad, I would like to sit here and say I wish I was stronger and it never happened. But I cherish every second we were together, life is complicated.

 

Feel free to through darts at me or ask me to leave, I don't mean to intrude on your board, just thought I could offer perspective that isn't usually heard here.

Edited by Good Love Bad
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Who did/do you love more? Your W or the OW? You say you loved her deeply and still do. Would she have been worth leaving your W for?

 

You explain why you stayed. Why did you have the A? Was it only because that 'spark' was missing in your marriage? Did she approach you or did you approach her?

 

Sorry for all the 20 questions! I'm just interested in hearing from a different perspective.

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happy stillmore

"For me the cake was what I craved I loved the normal time and interactions with my OW (I feel awful calling her that) I was the Fall guy and loved and still love her deeply I did not want to hurt her my W or anyone, but I hurt everyone. It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person."

 

I'm confused by that statement. Why would you be looking if you already felt you had the perfect person?

 

I appreciate your perspective.

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It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person."

 

I'm confused by that statement. Why would you be looking if you already felt you had the perfect person?

 

I was confused about this as well!

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She approached me, it went through a progression of me trying to stay strong but giving in at each step. I admit I liked her interest in me, we became friends and had a lot in common and a mutual attraction. It became, I guess what one would call an EA and we shared a lot, confided in each other and continued to slowly grow into a full blown A.

 

It did have a spark but more of the newness kind and different I still had and have a spark and tremendous love for my W. We never talked about her or my M, I never bashed her or complained because I had nothing to complain about. My M was normal with kids and busy schedules normal stress of providing and raising a family. The most harm I caused was from my overwhelming guilt I carried for my W and then eventually I felt guilty about my life and W for my OW, I was drowning in conflict and guilt.

 

I love them both and each more in different ways than the other. Some say that is impossible and terrible, but that is what is in my heart. Obviously with a W you have a tremendous amount of obligations (which you absolutely signed up for) and for some men that carries a desire to escape and want an A does

provide as bad as that sounds. Some of those escapes are just temporary some become permanent. I had 2 incredible women in my life that I was severely short changing and I fully admit deserved better.

 

Bottom line is my love for the OW still continues to grow even though we aren't together, and I know she is the one for me. This is a weird analogy but I feel what it must feel like to be gay but to afraid to come out of the closet. I have tried and tried and tried to fight these feelings but I simply can't, but know if I admit it, I will hurt so many only to free myself. That sounds very egotistical and I truly don't mean it that way. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

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My W is and was perfect in many ways and I never thought I could ever possibly meet anyone more perfect, but I did. It is hard to explain I really don't even know how.

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My W is and was perfect in many ways and I never thought I could ever possibly meet anyone more perfect, but I did. It is hard to explain I really don't even know how.

May I ask why you stayed in the marriage then, if you still feel this way? If I were the BS and knew this, there's NWIH I would still want to be married to someone that felt that way about someone else.

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I wasn't looking for an A or someone better than my W it just happened for some reason. I had opportunities before and since to be with OW but I truly didn't/don't want that, it could only happen with her.... and did. These are the only 2 women I have and will probably ever love.

 

or does that just seem ridiculous?

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Thank you for your honesty. However, I have to ask. You say that your OW is the one for you and that your feelings get stronger. At the same time, you say that you have the love AND the spark for your W, and that there were no issues. So basically, you have a perfect marriage. It's upsetting that a person could love and be in love with their spouse, and still choose to have an A.

 

If your OW is the one for you, does that mean that your W is not? Was/is your OW married?

 

Not trying to bash you here. Btw, I am a MOW who had an A with a MM, so I'm not trying to bring down all MM. As a married person who had an affair, I can relate to some of the things you are saying about feeling conflicted, but I highly doubt I'd have gotten in an A if I was in a M that had love, no issues, and the spark. My M always had love, but it was and is seriously lacking in spark, and at the time that the A started, I believe that we had some bad issues.

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I wonder if my OW would have truly wanted to be with the real me. Not that I wasn't real but she only got the good parts of attention, adoration, emotion, romantic gestures. How would she handle the mundane me, watching football, work stress, occasional bad moods...normalcy? Probably the bigger question is could the MM handle the real life normalcy of the OW. A's are such a small percentage of what happens in real life and they are mostly all icing and not much cake.

 

This type of stuff always surprises me. I am 100% myself with MM. We talk about everything, work issues, health, kids, bills, EVERYTHING. I don't hide anything from him...except we don't pass gas in front of each other. :laugh: I guess I cannot say we don't hide anything now, huh? :eek:

 

In all seriousness, though, I know I am definitely completely real with him. I cannot speak for him, but I'll say that he also shares all of those things with me. No, I don't see him at home, I don't clean his laundry, yadda, yadda (this was discussed previously in a convo about OW not really knowing the real MM, ftr. That's why I said that.) We discuss me possibly moving, he looks at places if I ask for his opinion (and sometimes when I don't), we discuss school options for my kids, discipline stuff, etc., etc.

 

If I couldn't be 100% of who I am in a relationship, I don't believe in being in it. (Yes, I cannot be 100% to the public about us, before anyone says that, but I AM 100% of authentic with him.)

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From my reading here I see many OW very hurt by a MM that claims to love her but will not leave home for that love. It twists AP's in knots. Love is about action not just saying the words and the OW know this.

 

It's gotta be kindred to the pain and confusion a betrayed spouse feels when her husband cheats. His words don't fit his actions.

 

If the woman you feel in love with is who you want to be with why not do that? Why not be with her openly? If this is your desire. I'm sure your wife would want to be loved by a man that not only thinks she is perfect but will choose her with action and with his heart.

 

I see now how frustrated AP's become. Believing the person they love. Wanting a love of their own just to be a witness to the married person staying in limbo. Questioning their worth right along with the betrayed spouse.

 

I get it now.

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This was me and xMM.... As real as it gets. Notice the x.

Well, I'm not saying we'll be one of the magic few that make it b/c we are ourselves together. I don't know what the future holds. What I DO know is that I will not be in a relationship when/where I have to fake who I am and only put on my good side. That would be detrimental to myself, as well as to an possibility of a future if we did end up together. (Again, I don't have a crystal ball. SO wish I did! LOL)

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If I am playing the victim and patting myself on the back, that is not my intention at all. Yes the manly thing to do is tell my W and OW how I truly feel and it is easy for someone not in my shoes to say. It is the correct advice but still difficult.

 

Yes my W ultimately needs to make her decision and not be stuck with my selfish feelings. I am not having an A or EA anymore, just struggling with and trying to get through this part, it may get to the point where these feelings die or they continue to grow and my W should know the truth, I'm just not there yet.

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MM, is that you? No wait, mine just had his first child but he loves me and he "gets to live the rest of his life thinking about his decision to screw over two women and watch me get married" but Im the love of his life right? As if anyone is going to want the remains of the woman I used to be six years ago before we met... :rolleyes:

 

IMO, you're lying to yourself...you can't be with two perfect women AND be iN love with both of them. You're in denial like most MMs. Whatever.

 

Truly,

Bitter much

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The geographical location of certain body parts is not what determines if one is in an affair.

 

It seems you have kept the fantasy/affair alive and well. Replaying, pausing, savoring each little memory, sitting in the comfort of your wifes grace.

 

I will agree that there are some...who never move past this point. To say that all mm or mw feel this way after an affair is false.

 

Many former waywards harbour no illusions of what the affair was and what it wasn't.

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Although I understand where the feelings come from I don't want to condemn a MM who is willing to share his side. I have wanted to understand my MM and his decisions more than anything. Why wasn't I worth leaving for? Was the guilt and conflict that bad? Does he think about me...etc etc. the questions are endless. We can call him selfish etc but the fact remains a lot of MM do exactly what he did....all we can do is try to understand in order to make peace within ourselves. He came here to understand us.....I'm not trying to defend his actions only understand the whys. He doesn't understand what we feel or think anymore than we understand him. That's why we are all here. None of us can say what we would do till we walked in those shoes...it always looks easier from far away.

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Does your W have any idea about your affair? How did you manage to hide it? It sounds like you have a good relationship with your W, so I assume you continued to have a physical relationship...how did you do this? How did you compartmentalize your feelings?

 

How did you end things with your OW? Was she married too?

 

Do you ever with that none of this ever happened? When you look at your wife, do you wish you never had an affair?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Good bad love, so you're saying you're Not a "man"?

Maybe it's time fo grow your very own set and be REAL with both these women.

Hard or not, it would be the grown up thing to do.

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I wasn't looking for an A or someone better than my W it just happened for some reason. I had opportunities before and since to be with OW but I truly didn't/don't want that, it could only happen with her.... and did. These are the only 2 women I have and will probably ever love.

 

or does that just seem ridiculous?

 

Since you asked, yes it is ridiculous. Love makes you strong, brave, courageous. This is not what love looks like.

 

You fell in love with someone. All that takes is some connection, chemistry, time spent together mutually admiring each other, sex.....voila in love.

 

Love vs FEELING in love is a whole lot more than that. It requires action directed at making life the best it can be for you and your love.

 

I don't see that going on for either woman in your life. I think you have a lot to learn about love.

 

BTW also ridiculous to think you couldn't love others if you knew anything about love. If your W meets up with OW to discuss your betrayal and they both get hit by a car jumping the curb I feel sure that once your grief subsided you would fall in love again and possibly love someone as well.

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AlwaysGrowing,

 

How do you know what waywards feel? Because they tell you? They'll tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want, just like they tell their OW, right? So you can't "know" anything.

 

Good Love Bad,

 

Very sweet. Thanks for your insight. I feel all that same stuff about my H, my life, and my xMM. Another time or place, we would be together. Solidly.

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thefooloftheyear

I dont really know what you are looking to gain, besides some insight.

 

Forget about what most of these women on here will tell you..they are all good women, but many are heavily biased against the MM and the way their stories read, they were all clubbed over the head and dragged down a back alley to be lied to and used for sex. Dont expect much more...

 

Because of the type of business i am in I interact with women daily and have had numerous opportunities in the past..Never acted on it, as my M grew further apart, I guess I reached a weak moment..I NEVER pursued a woman while I was married..heck I rarely did when I wasnt..No excuses.

 

I turned down offers from this person twice, and she knew my sitch. I really wasnt physically attracted to her at all..She was unrelenting, talked frankly about what she was going to do to me iin the bedroom, not that it gives reason, but I was a starving dog and she was the bloody roast beef.. Again..not justified..

 

So it carried on...I NEVER once lied to her..EVER..My D was in its infancy at the time and I was struggling with a lot of the issues everyone does. My kid was the main problem..She didnt care. She was all about HER and what was important to her. Attractive and successful woman, but the coldest and most self centered person on the planet..I swear when I touched her she felt 25 degrees colder than me..Insanely insecure and jealous..We were like oil and vinegar in this area. I am compassionate and giving, she- the total opposite.

 

Mercifully it ended- it had to..In some strange way I do still care about her, and hope her life is gong well. I doubt it, though..I need to worry about myself and my kid at this point..She is a big girl.

 

I owned my part 100% ...Biggest mistake of my entire life, no question..I will forever live with the guilt. The guilt weighed very heavy on me, but its a process I am dealing with..I am quite sure I will die not ever fully processing it, because I know how wrong it was but it wont envelope me as it once did.

 

I do my best to be the best man I can be at this point..In some ways this served as a huge life lesson.

 

Own it, accept it, apologize profusely to the ones you hurt and be strong. People fall-even good and righteous ones. Its what happens after that seperate the men from the boys.

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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happy stillmore

Good love bad,

 

You are brave for posting and as I said before, I appreciate your point of view. I have several comments.

 

I was a little confused about the "real me" statement. As a MOW, I know about what the everyday details of life involve when in a committed relationship. Life isn't all roses. I was bothered that it appeared you made the guess the OW wouldn't like the "real you" and ended the relationship before giving the life with OW a chance. How do you know? In my case, I was always real. No, pretending. In fact, the ability to show the "real me" made me love xMM even more. To me, I looked forward to the everyday life where we would lounge around in sweatpants and enjoy quiet moments at home. I would have accepted the good and the bad because I truly loved xMM. I wouldn't have gone through all of this turmoil only to leave him down the road.

 

You also stated the following: "Bottom line is my love for the OW still continues to grow even though we aren't together, and I know she is the one for me. This is a weird analogy but I feel what it must feel like to be gay but to afraid to come out of the closet. I have tried and tried and tried to fight these feelings but I simply can't, but know if I admit it, I will hurt so many only to free myself. That sounds very egotistical and I truly don't mean it that way. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

 

What I gather from your comment is that you do love xOW but you are too afraid to hurt anyone. Nobody wants to hurt anyone but what is life of you are not true to yourself. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Be honest with yourself and everyone. I totally get the gay analogy. It is a big secret that hurts or shocks people but when gay people come out, they feel free for once in their life. I have a family relative who is gay and is openly living with his partner. It was a scandal at first but guess what, they have been together for almost 20 years and I consider them to be the most normal couple I know. It sounds like life is okay with your wife. You have to ask yourself if this life is enough for you. If it is, then so be it. But if you find you want more, you have to end your marriage and live honestly. Go with your heart.

 

You would have to leave your marriage for your own reasons. (Not just to be with OW) For the right reasons. One reason being that you have decided to respect your wife and not hurt her anymore. Be honest with her. Sometimes two good people marry but they don't "get" each other. People should not have to "play a part" in marriage. Love is an action, not just words. You don't "act" like you are in love. Love isn't existing together in the same house. You have to be honest with yourself. If you are not completely in love with her (you still have feelings for OW), end the marriage. Believe it or not, you are doing your wife a favor. You are secretly hurting her by not allowing her to be free to find true love. She may be for you to stay but if you know you aren't able to love her as she deserves, end your marriage because she does deserve more. She may be willing to settle with life as it is now, but that is only her fear of being alone speaking. Down the road, she may thank you for this honesty when she finds herself sharing life with a man to which she feels connected. Are you afraid to be alone? It takes courage to be true to yourself and live on your own. For me, I'd rather be alone than in a marriage that is a sham. Live an authentic life!

 

When you live life openly, you will have a lot of explaining to do. But, if you answer honestly and strongly, everyone will accept in time. Your family doesn't end. If anything, they may respect you more when they see you standing up for yourself. If you decide that life is with your wife, then free your mind of OW.

 

Life does not happen to you. You choose the life you live. Life is what you make of it.

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AlwaysGrowing,

 

How do you know what waywards feel? Because they tell you? They'll tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want, just like they tell their OW, right? So you can't "know" anything.

 

Good Love Bad,

 

Very sweet. Thanks for your insight. I feel all that same stuff about my H, my life, and my xMM. Another time or place, we would be together. Solidly.

 

I do this thing they call READ. I have this skill they call LEARNING.

 

Not all waywards are sappy messes after the affair. Many go on to shore up that part of them that allowed them to engage in destructive behaviour towards themselves and others.

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