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Perspective from a MM and ?'s


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th September 2013, 7:07 PM   #166
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Originally Posted by seethingandsmiling View Post
Um, I don't think it takes a genius to know, in general, what someone liked about an A. Attention, affection, all about me, no cares (except getting caught), no discussions about bills or laundry, more attention, compliments, etc. No, that's pretty easy to comprehend.

The "why" a BS wants to know is how you did that without thinking about your spouse, your kids, your history with your family. How were you (the royal you, not you Jane) so selfish, so wrapped up in your desire to have some attention by someone you don't really know (I'm speaking in the beginning of the A now) that you could just forget about the person at home - the one that loves you, that you promised to take care of and protect - and do whatever you wanted. How is it possible to think even for a second that what you are doing is ok or that it won't hurt that bad if you are caught? How can you continue the affair, and lie directly to that person's face day in and day out without a care in the world except getting what you want. This is what a BS wants to know, and the only answer that ever comes up is "I don't know. I was selfish." Yeah, we get that.

I've had plenty of men hit on me, and some of them were quite attractive. A few I even felt that little 'spark' for. But I always, ALWAYS, remembered that I had a husband at home, and that doing anything other than brushing it off and being flattered that I was hit on was flat out, unbelievably WRONG.

So you're right - no one is interested in just how wonderful the affair was when it was happening. We are all well aware of how fun new relationships are. We had one with our WSs once. We are interested in just how it's even possible to behave the way a WS behaves and look at oneself in the mirror. How is it possible to compartmentalize to the point that you find yourself in bed with another person and think 'hey, I deserve this' without feeling like you've become a monster. I've yet to gain a clear understanding on that.

Sorry if you need cotton in your mouth due to this response. Respectfully, there are a great many things that are said here that a great many BSs have to hold their tongue on. Don't feel alone.
Beautifully said.
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Old 29th September 2013, 10:29 PM   #167
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Unfortunately the BSs dominate the other forum, as well.
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Old 29th September 2013, 10:51 PM   #168
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
As usual, BSs have scared him off. And as for keeping cotton wool in their mouths, that hardly happens they just get deleted.

Come back OP?
Oh nevermind, I don't even know why I ask.
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Last edited by sweet_pea; 29th September 2013 at 11:05 PM.. Reason: not worth it, some people are just...
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Old 29th September 2013, 11:57 PM   #169
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If a person is scared off or runs away from things they do not want to hear, I think that is possibly a bad sign for their character and integrity. It's not scary to politely disagree, unless a person is ruled by fear. In that case, it is not the job of the people who disagree with them to be quiet and not disagree with them. It is their job to seek therapy or look for a solution to their lack of courage and their probable self esteem problem so they can start living their life authentically and not be afraid to stand up for their beliefs
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Old 30th September 2013, 2:23 AM   #170
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all I hear is "blah blah blah, woe is me, I want my cake and i want to eat it too, but I feel bad about it cause I'm a poor victim".
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Old 30th September 2013, 11:30 PM   #171
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Oh, idk, OP.......

I think an affair is the perennial, perfect and perpetual THIRD DATE: Everyone is perfectly groomed, candles are lit, both are hanging on every word with adoring eyes, and countless romantic texts and calls have set the stage for this very special night.

it's damn near perfect, romantically.

Why not bring that home, to your wife?

Imagine she is walking out the door to be with the man of her dreams. WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO STOP HER?

bring the flowers, cards, candles, wine, respect and appreciation into your marriage and see what happens.

you may be pleasantly surprised is you woo your wife like you did your lover.

Most are.
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Old 1st October 2013, 8:13 AM   #172
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In therapy, my angry out of love spouse learned an amazing fact: It was NOT what he wasn't getting from the marriage....It was what he had stopped giving to it that precipitated the crisis.

Why do we never fall out of love with our children? because we invest 100 percent into them emotionally every single day.

A marriage is no different.

The more you invest, the more in love you feel. Pretty simple.
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Old 1st October 2013, 8:27 AM   #173
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Originally Posted by Spark1111 View Post
In therapy, my angry out of love spouse learned an amazing fact: It was NOT what he wasn't getting from the marriage....It was what he had stopped giving to it that precipitated the crisis.

Why do we never fall out of love with our children? because we invest 100 percent into them emotionally every single day.

A marriage is no different.

The more you invest, the more in love you feel. Pretty simple.
Because we are not sexually attracted to them. You may not fall out of love with your spouse in a similar manner as you do your children but the sexually attraction can absolutely go away and no amount of willing it is going to bring it back. It is like trying to get yourself revved up over your brother/sister. Shudder.
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Old 1st October 2013, 8:44 AM   #174
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Spark111, I agree in theory. If the WS put half as much energy into the M as he did the A, the rewards would be great.

But the fact is he just doesn't feel that way about his W anymore. He feels that for someone else. What can be done about that?
This WS put all that energy and more into her marriage....for years, WITH clear communication of the problems. H flat didn't care or didn't want to change anything.

None of that excuses my horrible choice to have an A.

I just get tired of the assumption that the WS must have just laid around and done nothing or never spoke up. Again, I get why that belief is more comfortable, but it isn't always the case.
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Old 1st October 2013, 8:54 AM   #175
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Originally Posted by janedoe67 View Post
. Again, I get why that belief is more comfortable, but it isn't always the case.
Jane, that is the biggest problem with this site, and many many others. We all project, we all use broad brush statements. By their very nature they can't always be accurate. I am getting a sore tongue from holding it so hard when I constantly see statements regarding BS saying 'they do this' or 'they do that' when this one DID NOT!

And some people just don't hear what others say over the deafening hoofbeats of their own favourite hobby horse!
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Old 1st October 2013, 9:44 AM   #176
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Originally Posted by janedoe67 View Post
This WS put all that energy and more into her marriage....for years, WITH clear communication of the problems. H flat didn't care or didn't want to change anything.

None of that excuses my horrible choice to have an A.

I just get tired of the assumption that the WS must have just laid around and done nothing or never spoke up. Again, I get why that belief is more comfortable, but it isn't always the case.
This was the case with my H too. I've seen him in action over years, his communication skills are just fine. In every other context they've worked excellently for decades. Yet, in his previous M, it's all down to *him* getting it all wrong? Yeah right!
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Old 1st October 2013, 9:46 AM   #177
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Originally Posted by MacBeth View Post
Define clear communication.

I think people here have very different ideas about what that means.
Exactly. To her, it was, "I can't hear you unless you're saying what I want to hear - that it's all your fault and everything is just dandy".
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