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Perspective from a MM and ?'s


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 24th September 2013, 8:33 PM   #1
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Perspective from a MM and ?'s

I'm a MM who has had an A. I have been reading a lot of your posts on this board, at first out of curiosity of what the OW have to go through. I essentially knew the pain, sorrow and anger my OW was going through and felt terribly guilty, these posts just confirmed things for me and shows that these situations are complicated, similar but with many variations.

The types of MM (and MW?)
1. The Douche - a player who just wants sex and usually does not have lengthy A's cause he is figured out quite quickly.
2. The Liar - does not reveal he is married or in a relationship until it is too late, he is caught or sometimes never.
3. The Fall Guy - does not have bad intentions but falls for someone and starts an A he never thought he would be in this situation.
4. The Ego - A guy that needs constant stroking to keep building himself as a man.
5. The Sex Addict - can easily be part of any of the above

I do think many of the posts on here involve MM 3 and 4, because they are deeply rooted with passion feelings, that are hard to end and get over.

The question I see most is why does the MM stay with his W. First of all we can all agree cheating is the lowest of the low. No one is willing to admit to this shameful act, and to leave a Spouse because you had an Affair involves so many people; kids, relatives, parents, friends, in laws... D is hard without an A involve, you are divorcing an entire group of people and also cheating on an entire group of people. So it is much easier to stay with a W or H who you do not wish to hurt who is not terrible but does not give you the spark that is so brilliantly bright in an A. A lot of times it is just bad timing, if you were kids you would just break up, but marriage makes it hard, kids make it harder.

Part two of that is fear. Fear that you may not end up with you OW or OM, is the passion that is so strong, due to the secrecy and limited nature of the relationship. Would it last under normal conditions or are the feelings mainly fueled by the fantasy relationship which is just that for some MM, even though they may not realize it.

I wonder if my OW would have truly wanted to be with the real me. Not that I wasn't real but she only got the good parts of attention, adoration, emotion, romantic gestures. How would she handle the mundane me, watching football, work stress, occasional bad moods...normalcy? Probably the bigger question is could the MM handle the real life normalcy of the OW. A's are such a small percentage of what happens in real life and they are mostly all icing and not much cake.

For me the cake was what I craved I loved the normal time and interactions with my OW (I feel awful calling her that) I was the Fall guy and loved and still love her deeply I did not want to hurt her my W or anyone, but I hurt everyone. It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person. I do believe men and women are so different and it is easier for woman to be monogamous and for weak men to be weak.

I do not mean for any of this to sound harsh its just my opinion from what I have lived read and thought about for countless hours. My heart is broken and sad, I would like to sit here and say I wish I was stronger and it never happened. But I cherish every second we were together, life is complicated.

Feel free to through darts at me or ask me to leave, I don't mean to intrude on your board, just thought I could offer perspective that isn't usually heard here.

Last edited by Good Love Bad; 24th September 2013 at 8:37 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 24th September 2013, 8:42 PM   #2
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Who did/do you love more? Your W or the OW? You say you loved her deeply and still do. Would she have been worth leaving your W for?

You explain why you stayed. Why did you have the A? Was it only because that 'spark' was missing in your marriage? Did she approach you or did you approach her?

Sorry for all the 20 questions! I'm just interested in hearing from a different perspective.
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Old 24th September 2013, 8:49 PM   #3
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"For me the cake was what I craved I loved the normal time and interactions with my OW (I feel awful calling her that) I was the Fall guy and loved and still love her deeply I did not want to hurt her my W or anyone, but I hurt everyone. It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person."

I'm confused by that statement. Why would you be looking if you already felt you had the perfect person?

I appreciate your perspective.
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Old 24th September 2013, 8:54 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by happy stillmore View Post
It is so hard to find the perfect person when you had already committed to the perfect person."

I'm confused by that statement. Why would you be looking if you already felt you had the perfect person?
I was confused about this as well!
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:05 PM   #5
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She approached me, it went through a progression of me trying to stay strong but giving in at each step. I admit I liked her interest in me, we became friends and had a lot in common and a mutual attraction. It became, I guess what one would call an EA and we shared a lot, confided in each other and continued to slowly grow into a full blown A.

It did have a spark but more of the newness kind and different I still had and have a spark and tremendous love for my W. We never talked about her or my M, I never bashed her or complained because I had nothing to complain about. My M was normal with kids and busy schedules normal stress of providing and raising a family. The most harm I caused was from my overwhelming guilt I carried for my W and then eventually I felt guilty about my life and W for my OW, I was drowning in conflict and guilt.

I love them both and each more in different ways than the other. Some say that is impossible and terrible, but that is what is in my heart. Obviously with a W you have a tremendous amount of obligations (which you absolutely signed up for) and for some men that carries a desire to escape and want an A does
provide as bad as that sounds. Some of those escapes are just temporary some become permanent. I had 2 incredible women in my life that I was severely short changing and I fully admit deserved better.

Bottom line is my love for the OW still continues to grow even though we aren't together, and I know she is the one for me. This is a weird analogy but I feel what it must feel like to be gay but to afraid to come out of the closet. I have tried and tried and tried to fight these feelings but I simply can't, but know if I admit it, I will hurt so many only to free myself. That sounds very egotistical and I truly don't mean it that way. I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:07 PM   #6
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My W is and was perfect in many ways and I never thought I could ever possibly meet anyone more perfect, but I did. It is hard to explain I really don't even know how.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:12 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Good Love Bad View Post
My W is and was perfect in many ways and I never thought I could ever possibly meet anyone more perfect, but I did. It is hard to explain I really don't even know how.
May I ask why you stayed in the marriage then, if you still feel this way? If I were the BS and knew this, there's NWIH I would still want to be married to someone that felt that way about someone else.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:16 PM   #8
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I wasn't looking for an A or someone better than my W it just happened for some reason. I had opportunities before and since to be with OW but I truly didn't/don't want that, it could only happen with her.... and did. These are the only 2 women I have and will probably ever love.

or does that just seem ridiculous?
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:17 PM   #9
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Thank you for your honesty. However, I have to ask. You say that your OW is the one for you and that your feelings get stronger. At the same time, you say that you have the love AND the spark for your W, and that there were no issues. So basically, you have a perfect marriage. It's upsetting that a person could love and be in love with their spouse, and still choose to have an A.

If your OW is the one for you, does that mean that your W is not? Was/is your OW married?

Not trying to bash you here. Btw, I am a MOW who had an A with a MM, so I'm not trying to bring down all MM. As a married person who had an affair, I can relate to some of the things you are saying about feeling conflicted, but I highly doubt I'd have gotten in an A if I was in a M that had love, no issues, and the spark. My M always had love, but it was and is seriously lacking in spark, and at the time that the A started, I believe that we had some bad issues.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:17 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Good Love Bad View Post
I wonder if my OW would have truly wanted to be with the real me. Not that I wasn't real but she only got the good parts of attention, adoration, emotion, romantic gestures. How would she handle the mundane me, watching football, work stress, occasional bad moods...normalcy? Probably the bigger question is could the MM handle the real life normalcy of the OW. A's are such a small percentage of what happens in real life and they are mostly all icing and not much cake.
This type of stuff always surprises me. I am 100% myself with MM. We talk about everything, work issues, health, kids, bills, EVERYTHING. I don't hide anything from him...except we don't pass gas in front of each other. I guess I cannot say we don't hide anything now, huh?

In all seriousness, though, I know I am definitely completely real with him. I cannot speak for him, but I'll say that he also shares all of those things with me. No, I don't see him at home, I don't clean his laundry, yadda, yadda (this was discussed previously in a convo about OW not really knowing the real MM, ftr. That's why I said that.) We discuss me possibly moving, he looks at places if I ask for his opinion (and sometimes when I don't), we discuss school options for my kids, discipline stuff, etc., etc.

If I couldn't be 100% of who I am in a relationship, I don't believe in being in it. (Yes, I cannot be 100% to the public about us, before anyone says that, but I AM 100% of authentic with him.)
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:19 PM   #11
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Hmm, are you my exMM?
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:19 PM   #12
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From my reading here I see many OW very hurt by a MM that claims to love her but will not leave home for that love. It twists AP's in knots. Love is about action not just saying the words and the OW know this.

It's gotta be kindred to the pain and confusion a betrayed spouse feels when her husband cheats. His words don't fit his actions.

If the woman you feel in love with is who you want to be with why not do that? Why not be with her openly? If this is your desire. I'm sure your wife would want to be loved by a man that not only thinks she is perfect but will choose her with action and with his heart.

I see now how frustrated AP's become. Believing the person they love. Wanting a love of their own just to be a witness to the married person staying in limbo. Questioning their worth right along with the betrayed spouse.

I get it now.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:22 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Red Wolverine View Post
This was me and xMM.... As real as it gets. Notice the x.
Well, I'm not saying we'll be one of the magic few that make it b/c we are ourselves together. I don't know what the future holds. What I DO know is that I will not be in a relationship when/where I have to fake who I am and only put on my good side. That would be detrimental to myself, as well as to an possibility of a future if we did end up together. (Again, I don't have a crystal ball. SO wish I did! LOL)
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:25 PM   #14
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If I am playing the victim and patting myself on the back, that is not my intention at all. Yes the manly thing to do is tell my W and OW how I truly feel and it is easy for someone not in my shoes to say. It is the correct advice but still difficult.

Yes my W ultimately needs to make her decision and not be stuck with my selfish feelings. I am not having an A or EA anymore, just struggling with and trying to get through this part, it may get to the point where these feelings die or they continue to grow and my W should know the truth, I'm just not there yet.
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Old 24th September 2013, 9:30 PM   #15
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Thanks Red.
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