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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 24th September 2013, 1:40 PM   #1
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Unhappy My discovery

I posted in the marriage forum a while back. After reading here I decided to do some digging. He has(is?) cheated. Not sure if it currently going on but who knows. I am very very angry right now and I am trying to control that anger. I know who the person is and she is married. I haven't decided what I am going to do with that information yet. I do know that I will be seeing a lawyer soon. It didn't matter how I begged. I guess I was thinking it and he did it.
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Old 24th September 2013, 1:47 PM   #2
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Well I suggest you smile sweetly and gather as much conclusive evidence as you can without tipping your hand.

What do you know for SURE?
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Old 24th September 2013, 1:54 PM   #3
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Well I suggest you smile sweetly and gather as much conclusive evidence as you can without tipping your hand.

What do you know for SURE?

I have gathered a great deal. I plan to hire a someone to follow him. I want photo proof as well. I haven't said anything and that is so hard. At least this week I have a big project I am in the middle of and it isn't hard to fake anything. When he kisses my cheek I want to slap his face so hard.
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Old 24th September 2013, 1:58 PM   #4
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As usual, I agree with Spark. Investigate enough to convince yourself. Keep your mouth shut in the meantime. This may be your one and only chance to learn the truth. And yeah, find out your rights and needs via an attorney.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:10 PM   #5
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Some of what I have found is disgusting and I want his penis in jar and her head on a stick. But I didn't get where I am by being stupid. I can play cool when I need to. I just feel like so much time has been wasted.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:17 PM   #6
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So, once you have the evidence you need, what's your plan? Once you do confront, it's likely he'll trip all over himself with apologies. Are you gathering evidence for a divorce or just for yourself?
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:17 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
Be prepared for some major arse covering and lying. Sounds like my MM marriage now that his BS has finally realised what he is/has been doing. I would not be her in a million years, I would rather be me, despite the heartache. So I am sorry you are dealing with a conflict avoider. 30 years of marriage also (5 with me).

Before all is said and done...they both will be avoiding me. That I can promise.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:20 PM   #8
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So, once you have the evidence you need, what's your plan? Once you do confront, it's likely he'll trip all over himself with apologies. Are you gathering evidence for a divorce or just for yourself?

Divorce. No second thoughts. I was thinking about divorce anyway. I don't need proof for a divorce but it will give me leverage in a couple of other areas.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:29 PM   #9
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Divorce. No second thoughts. I was thinking about divorce anyway. I don't need proof for a divorce but it will give me leverage in a couple of other areas.
Gotcha. Then the best way to confront is with divorce papers.

It depends on your state but affairs rarely have much impact on splitting the marital assets, child custody, child support or alimony. I thought I needed photographic evidence, too, but my expense for a PI was wasted.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:33 PM   #10
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I would not be her in a million years, I would rather be me

And for many people, they would rather be the betrayed than a betrayer.

If they had any Self Respect.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:57 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by vellocet View Post
Oh I always like the IDEA of a betrayed spouse being able to play hardball and really rock the WS's world financially or otherwise in court.

But in reality, infidelity won't help you. You are entitled to half the marital assets, infidelity or not, and the fact he cheated won't get you any more. That is unless the infidelity is something he doesn't want to be made public and he'd be willing to concede more of the assets to keep it quiet.

But other than that, it doesn't come in to play. I wish it did, however.
This is too broad a generalization. Not all jurisdictions are no fault and even if no fault, many allow the betrayed to sue for fault.

But having evidence helps when it comes to emotional leverage, whether to force an unwilling wayward spouse to divorce or leveraging for financial gain.
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Old 24th September 2013, 2:58 PM   #12
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Read up on the 180 and make that your new way of life, stop begging, wayward's don't find begging that attractive. He needs to see that you are moving on without him. Absolutely talk to a lawyer, if he's still cheating serve him. It takes a while before the divorce becomes final and you can stop the process anytime before the final decree. You are at your strongest at time of confrontation, he is more likely to agree to your demands at that time, he probably won't when he's feeling safe or in control. You can't nice him back and you can't make him love you, what you can do is get to the end one way or another and save yourself years of hurt. Find out where he stands today, he's all in or serve him.
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Old 24th September 2013, 5:59 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by peaksandvalleys View Post
Before all is said and done...they both will be avoiding me. That I can promise.
Ha ha ha this was me I made sure both of them experienced the uncomfortability of their acts and made a public mocking of them both. Nothing like exposure. Gather your evidence then drop the bomb! Good luck to you
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Old 24th September 2013, 6:05 PM   #14
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So you are saying that if someone can prove infidelity in such states, they can get more than 1/2 the marital assets? How does that work?
And what are the guidelines for a judge to rule?

Don't get me wrong. I'd love nothing more than for that to be true, where a judge would say, "Ok, you cheated so you owe your soon-to-be-ex 75% of the marital assets"
WEEEEELLLLL, you could make a case for recovering 50 percent of every marital dime he spent to have the affair, on his OW, in secret.

Certainly no BS ever agreed to the expenditure. half of that money belongs to the BS.
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Old 24th September 2013, 6:17 PM   #15
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So you are saying that if someone can prove infidelity in such states, they can get more than 1/2 the marital assets? How does that work?
And what are the guidelines for a judge to rule?

Don't get me wrong. I'd love nothing more than for that to be true, where a judge would say, "Ok, you cheated so you owe your soon-to-be-ex 75% of the marital assets"
Most states will split marital assets equally. However, adultery can affect alimony, child custody, and thus, child support. For instance, where I live (Florida), it's a no-fault state but judges are permitted to weigh infidelity when making decisions about custody and alimony. So, it gets down to your judge. Other places are different.
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