Jump to content

He doesnt think he really loved her


waterwoman

Recommended Posts

The most hurtful thing for me since d-day was that H insisted he loved OW - she was worthy of love. He loved me too and in the event he chose to give her up to keep me. But I always felt that he might feel regret, that all things being equal he might have chosen her. He denies it time and time again and his actions spoke louder than words but.....But But...you know? The little treacherous whisper in your mind in the wee small hours, the doubts, the self-questioning.

 

Now after 15 months he tells me that he isn't sure what he felt for OW anymore but he isn't sure it was love. Looking back he thinks it was just a sort of MLC ego-boost thing after all.I should be happy right? I guess I am but I am also sad too. All this pain and upheaval over so little. He hurt me, hurt us, so much for so little.

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Water,

 

 

That is one of the most difficult aspects of it all. It adds to my already terrible insomnia. It distracts from day to day life. It has killed what I believed to be special about myself.

 

Don't tell me I feel like this for nothing. That she meant nothing. That it was nothing. That you enjoyed zero about it all. That hundreds of texts and minutes on the phone meant nothing. That the drives to see her meant nothing. Because if all that meant nothing then I must had been less than the sum of all that. Is that even possible?

 

This is all maddening and more life changing than I really could had imagined. I understand much of what you say. You two do seem to be on good path though. You have had some great moments since DDay and some break throughs that are making R possible.

 

Keep your head up :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The most hurtful thing for me since d-day was that H insisted he loved OW - she was worthy of love. He loved me too and in the event he chose to give her up to keep me. But I always felt that he might feel regret, that all things being equal he might have chosen her. He denies it time and time again and his actions spoke louder than words but.....But But...you know? The little treacherous whisper in your mind in the wee small hours, the doubts, the self-questioning.

 

Now after 15 months he tells me that he isn't sure what he felt for OW anymore but he isn't sure it was love. Looking back he thinks it was just a sort of MLC ego-boost thing after all.I should be happy right? I guess I am but I am also sad too. All this pain and upheaval over so little. He hurt me, hurt us, so much for so little.

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

 

He may have loved her (more like loved how she made him feel) in the midst of their affair, but look at what it's based on - fantasy, an escape, ego feed, to feel needed and to be desired by someone else - All that is unhealthy and it ain't long lasting love. It's selfish and ON the expense of innocent people.

 

He woke up and realized what he was going to lose. You.

 

As long as today and for the rest of his life, he shows you love and appreciation, blessed to have you as his wife, I say do your best to focus on the now and future rather than dig backwards. It's painful past, for both of you and no good can come of it if you (both) look backwards. The damage was done and each of you are working hard to make things good again.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank for your replies.

 

I do in some ways beleive that it is a vindication. Of what I beleived, of what his friends told him, of what my closest friend told me. But he wouldn't have it. 'I loved her becase she was worthy of love. It wasn't your fault, there was nothing you did wrong and I never stopped loving you, but I loved her too'. But look at the facts, he was 51, she was 25, she was his subordinate at work, she told him he was 'the man for her'. She seemed to everyone apart from H that she was the flesh and blood equivalent of a big motorbike.

 

I hated feeling I was the nasty old obstacle in their little Romeo and Juliet romance.

 

Anyway..... whatever it was we are getting over it. But I am feeling quite angry today. Why the f*** couldn't he have seen this a year ago :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13

Well... my ex never claimed to be in love with anyone he cheated with, never even claimed to like any of them. Pretty sure he never knew some of their names even. Many of them were not even remotely attractive. Some of them were young and beautiful. One of them was in her 60's. The girl at the gym I sometimes talk about is a mess of a human being, full of drama and problems, always losing her job or crashing her car or having some terrible catastrophe, and her hair looks like a bowl of ramen noodles. It made absolutely no sense. It was really torturous at first to think about WHY he would risk everything for something so stupid. I used to think it would be easier if he had just had an affair with one woman because he thought he was in love with her. Now I don't know. It sounds just as torturous.

 

The only thing I can determine that helps me is that it had nothing, zero to do with who they were or what they looked like. It had to do with how THEY made HIM feel. It was never about her. (however many "hers" there were in my case) it was always about HIM. He enjoyed the flattery. He enjoyed feeling like he was so incredibly wonderific and super special that he could have an awesome woman at home who loved him, but he was just so irresistible that he couldn't keep all these other women away. My gosh, he would have to beat them off with a stick....

 

Of course that is not true. He created the situation. He is sort of good looking, but give me a break. I know plenty of good looking guys that don't have this problem.

 

Anyway, my point is, THAT is what he loved. He loved the attention, the thrill, the secret meetings, because it made him feel bulletproof and desired and whatever else (be right back gotta go vomit real quick, talking about him in detail makes me ill)

 

So in a way I think I am lucky. Because I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you right now to have H change his mind about how he thought he felt about OW. It was hard enough to deal with "It meant nothing" on its own. You had to deal with "but I loved her" and NOW have to deal with "but maybe it meant nothing" Oh geez I better stop the whole idea of this is making me mad. On the other hand, at least he is finally seeing reality more clearly now? That is a good thing, right?

 

Hang in there, I am sorry you are going through this turmoil.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We are 18 months out and I can see it on my WH's face when her name is brought up. It is very uncomfortable for him. I see and can feel his shame.

 

My WH too wrote in his texts to MOW that he loved her. Today he says she almost ruined his life (well him too). WH said he never realized how important family was until he almost lost it, me and the kids.

 

I am a fMOW so I understand how the views and feelings change over time. I think in both of our A's we were seeking validation, an ego-boost, definitely using our A's to cope, and none of it was healthy. Our M now looks like a nuclear fallout, but we are able to still laugh and love each other after this mess. If I could change the past I would do it in a heartbeat because now we are both different people because of the A's and the fallout.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I once felt this way - that I must be less than nothing if she was nothing. The truthi is, he did enjoy it, very much. The attention, the sexual innuendo, the 'being sneaky', in short the affair. But the person on the other end of those texts? No, they generally are and were nothing. I know this isn't what you will read on other forums by OM and OW, but that is the truth. Cheaters tend to be very bored and feeling very unfulfilled. The affair sparks something in them.

 

Think about it - are most MM and MW being hit on every day? Hell no. They enjoy the attention, often from the first or second person to come along and say they look nice, or have a nice smile, or whatever. The next thing you know they think they are soulmates. What they are are ego boosters, and it's often a 2 way street.

 

You are NOT less than the sum of it all. This hurts very much, but what you were, and I was, and most of us here were, is forgotten. That's right. In a relationship it's so easy to take someone for granted after many years. So one or the other ends up feeling kind of dead inside. Then someone sets something off, and that spark, that fire, is craved again. So the faithful spouse is simply forgotten about, and then we become an annoyance, a burden. They fill OW or OM's head full of nonsense about us, the relationship, everything. It's all garbage and lies, but this alleviates the guilt felt by the cheater - in their heads they make us monsters. When the .... hits the fan, they suddenly see things more clearly. As time goes on, they begin to feel disgust at themselves for being such a liar and a sneak. No one wants to admit that's what they are. And then, soon, the AP becomes associated with those feelings of disgust, and out comes 'they were nothing'. Well, the truth is they were always nothing but a sounding board, a compliment machine, and in many cases a body to have sex with.

 

No, you aren't nothing at all. You're much more than that, and he knows it.

 

What a great post!!!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I once felt this way - that I must be less than nothing if she was nothing. The truthi is, he did enjoy it, very much. The attention, the sexual innuendo, the 'being sneaky', in short the affair. But the person on the other end of those texts? No, they generally are and were nothing. I know this isn't what you will read on other forums by OM and OW, but that is the truth. Cheaters tend to be very bored and feeling very unfulfilled. The affair sparks something in them.

 

Think about it - are most MM and MW being hit on every day? Hell no. They enjoy the attention, often from the first or second person to come along and say they look nice, or have a nice smile, or whatever. The next thing you know they think they are soulmates. What they are are ego boosters, and it's often a 2 way street.

 

You are NOT less than the sum of it all. This hurts very much, but what you were, and I was, and most of us here were, is forgotten. That's right. In a relationship it's so easy to take someone for granted after many years. So one or the other ends up feeling kind of dead inside. Then someone sets something off, and that spark, that fire, is craved again. So the faithful spouse is simply forgotten about, and then we become an annoyance, a burden. They fill OW or OM's head full of nonsense about us, the relationship, everything. It's all garbage and lies, but this alleviates the guilt felt by the cheater - in their heads they make us monsters. When the .... hits the fan, they suddenly see things more clearly. As time goes on, they begin to feel disgust at themselves for being such a liar and a sneak. No one wants to admit that's what they are. And then, soon, the AP becomes associated with those feelings of disgust, and out comes 'they were nothing'. Well, the truth is they were always nothing but a sounding board, a compliment machine, and in many cases a body to have sex with.

 

No, you aren't nothing at all. You're much more than that, and he knows it.

 

 

 

 

I needed that :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The most hurtful thing for me since d-day was that H insisted he loved OW - she was worthy of love. He loved me too and in the event he chose to give her up to keep me. But I always felt that he might feel regret, that all things being equal he might have chosen her. He denies it time and time again and his actions spoke louder than words but.....But But...you know? The little treacherous whisper in your mind in the wee small hours, the doubts, the self-questioning.

 

Now after 15 months he tells me that he isn't sure what he felt for OW anymore but he isn't sure it was love. Looking back he thinks it was just a sort of MLC ego-boost thing after all.I should be happy right? I guess I am but I am also sad too. All this pain and upheaval over so little. He hurt me, hurt us, so much for so little.

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

 

If you asked your husband "what does it mean to love someone or be loved" what do you think he would say? Would it be the same definition you have of love?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing that comes to mind for me here is how much of a fantasy affairs are. I think your fWH is starting to get that. That he only saw her in her best light, didn't share the mundane life with her. She didn't have to deal with his family, or he hers...etc etc. You and your H know each other so much better than the fOW and FWH could have known each other, you've bonded so much more, survived so much more. Their relationship is literally nothing compared to yours. You've stood through some amazing tests and came out still swinging together united. That's saying something. I couldn't do it..or make my ex do the right thing...but you guys did it. Be proud :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
In reality WW's h's affair was short (6 months) and no chance of recurring due to the pregnancy of the OW she has moved on with the father' date=' and she put the work in the marriage out of true love, in order to sort it out and so did he by being honest and not holding back. I don't see her apportioning blame to the OW, she just wanted him to be happy with his choice to be with her, and he is. :love: good luck to you.[/quote']

 

 

Thanks jadore. That is it. I want to know he is happy in his choice. Now I just have to work on making me happy...

Link to post
Share on other sites
canuckprincess
The most hurtful thing for me since d-day was that H insisted he loved OW - she was worthy of love. He loved me too and in the event he chose to give her up to keep me. But I always felt that he might feel regret, that all things being equal he might have chosen her. He denies it time and time again and his actions spoke louder than words but.....But But...you know? The little treacherous whisper in your mind in the wee small hours, the doubts, the self-questioning.

 

Now after 15 months he tells me that he isn't sure what he felt for OW anymore but he isn't sure it was love. Looking back he thinks it was just a sort of MLC ego-boost thing after all.I should be happy right? I guess I am but I am also sad too. All this pain and upheaval over so little. He hurt me, hurt us, so much for so little.

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

 

Do you honestly believe him? Seriously he risks his marriage his family and now he doesn't even know if he loved her! Come on he's just trying to throw you off his scent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys
Do you honestly believe him? Seriously he risks his marriage his family and now he doesn't even know if he loved her! Come on he's just trying to throw you off his scent.

 

 

Why is that not a plausible statement? People apparently risk a great number of things for the thrill, the newness, the weird, the freak factor, the entitlement? Why not marriage and family?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you honestly believe him? Seriously he risks his marriage his family and now he doesn't even know if he loved her! Come on he's just trying to throw you off his scent.

 

Seriously? Do you honestly believe that the WS always loves the AP soooooo much? Get real. He says all that love stuff often just to put the OW off the scent.

 

Some WS genuinely do love the OW. Some don't. Some lie about it. Some get so wrapped up in the excitement of the affair that even they don't know what is true anymore (let alone the AP or the BS).

 

Some also realise that in time that passion they felt for the AP is nothing compared to the deep, long-term binding love they have for their wife/husband which is where I think Waterwoman's husband is. How do I know this is possible? Because I was a WS.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hmmmm....I can't help thinking that if he was going to lie, to downplay the affair, he could have done it 15 months ago (it was just sex, I was flattered, she was so unhappy ...etc) and although I'd still have been angry and upset I could have dealt with it better (in the short term). But he chose to be honest, cause a great deal of short term pain but do the right thing by her and by me. Why start lying now? Seems arse about face to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks. I think you are right. But I guess he was clinging to the idea it was real love because then he felt like less of a fool and that he hasn't risked us for a little fling.

 

Funnily enough I had managed to convince myself I didn't care what he thought for her - but since he told me that I have been so much more relaxed and happy with him. It's as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.... but now both shoes have simply evaporated!! :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The most hurtful thing for me since d-day was that H insisted he loved OW - you know?

 

The little treacherous whisper in your mind in the wee small hours

 

Now after 15 months he tells me that he isn't sure what he felt for OW

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

 

Yeah, I am very familiar with the treacherous whisper in my mind in the wee small hours!

 

What is love? The rush of having your ego stroked by a new lady or making that house payment? Sure he loved her! Like he would love a pet poodle. I am sorry that you had to go through all that, I know it hurts and the hurt never goes away... just waits in the background. But I think it is an illusion at this point, existing only in the mind.

 

So you know your H, he will have illusions too. Life gets sticky and his mind probably does find an escape in things that might have been. That woman or maybe even someone that existed before her, or just of being alone as a bachelor. Or when it gets real bad he may even fantasize of living alone in a cave. When you wind up having to nag him, hell yeah he is going to wish he was somewhere else. But that's just an illusion... right? But who can tame the human mind? Can you control yours? Those treacherous whispers... tell them to go away... see what I'm saying?

 

What do you think he thinks about when he is having sex with you? Hopefully he is for the most part right there in the moment enjoying you for that is the best sex. Do you think there may be times when he reminisces about this other gal? Maybe a great aphrodisiac for him or it may be a turn off. You are never gonna know unless you can get close enough that he would share such things with you. And does it really matter as long as you are both having fun? Do you think he might sometimes fantasize about you having sex with other men? He does. If you can sense that you lost his attention then do something about it. Tell us, are you reliably present during sex or does your mind wander too? Where does it go? You don't have an erection to maintain so you could just go shopping perhaps? Or maybe something a little more erotic... But you aren't constantly there for your H. The point in my question is... so you never think of other men. Right? Which leads me to your final solution as you really have the perfect answer to this thread that you started:

 

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...