randy60 Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 This happened 20 years ago. Wife went on a ladies weekend and ended up at a club. When she came home she told me she danced with a few guys and that was it. No big deal. That is all I remember and we went on with our lives. Last Friday I asked her if she had ever cheated. She said there was only the time that she told me about. I looked at her like she was crazy. I said what time and asked her to explain. She said it was the time she went on the ladies weekend. She danced with a guy and was kissing him and some groping went on. She says there was no Sex, however her story has been changing a little every time we talk. I am not sure I believe that there was no sex. She says she told me all about this back then, however I only remember the dancing part. It feels like I have been kicked in the gut, really feels to me that this just happened because I have no recollection at all. If I had heard this back then I would have acted at the time. So I doubt that she had told all back then. Not sure where to go from here. When we discussed it the next day she freaked out and blamed me saying I was not a good husband then and I was lucky that more didn't happen. Also I was stealing her security from her. She has said that what she did was wrong, however has not apologized. I am a at a loss. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Sadly, these situations where the cheating occured a long time ago give you little opportunity to learn the truth. That means you're left with a polygraph. While I used to be very skeptical of polys, most of what I've read indicates that they have come light-years in recent decades. It's either that or trust the word of the person in front of you (or don't). Sucks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Have her write down what happened with that other man for you. Tell her it maybe ancient history for her, but it is like it just happened for you. Ask her how she would feel if you cheated on her? Have you stopped having her go out on ladies trips? I would tell her you want a divorce and she if she will tell you that she is sorry. She makes you feel like second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
lemonysnickets Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Follow the same advice that BH gave me go through all your financial statements see if your wife has been living beyond her means? this is how cops catch bad guys by observing if they live beyond their means in my W case this is true. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 the next day she freaked out and blamed me saying I was not a good husband then and I was lucky that more didn't happen. Also I was stealing her security from her. She has said that what she did was wrong, however has not apologized. I am a at a loss. Wow, anything to say she is straying today? No apologies... hmmm. She could be just defensive to avoid telling the truth, likely scared of the consequences. Tough, best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Ask yourself, do you want to continue with someone that cheated and not only is not apologetic about it, but tries to turn it around on you? And WTF is she talking about stealing her security away from you? One thing is for sure, you have a lousy wife. So what is it YOU want to do. Great points. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Tell WW that you need for her to write a time line of what happened. From who the OM is, when/how she met the OM to all that happened and the last time she had contact with the OM. Then once you get the timeline calmly ask her to fill in details where you need them. The after that schedule a polygraph test to confirm what she has said. Also get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 In my opinion and I think that everyone adding their comments on this thread would agree that if she told you that she had an affair twenty years ago or fifty years ago, you would have remembered it. To here something like that is such a shock to the system it's like remembering where you were when some traumatic event happened. That's because it would have been a traumatic event. If she tries to hand you that nonsense again that she told you twenty years ago, your reply should be that "If you told me that 20 years ago, your right I would have stolen your security because I would have bounced your groped ass out of her when I found out!" And I would also tell her that "If you thought I was a bad husband back then, you ain't seen nothing yet lady." I do have a question for you. Why did you ask her if she ever cheated on you before. Did something happen that you were suspicious? Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Vellocet, it undermines your argument to call people names. Besides, it makes you sound bitter and less intelligent. Calling a woman a slut at the slightest provocation is misogonystic. Yes, she's backtracking and has some 'splaining to do. But calling someone's WIFE a slut.....even if you've lived a perfectly moral life with no lies, betrayals, impure thoughts (and I'm sure that's the case). That's just rude. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 I guess I am more layback than most but I doubt this would affect me much. At most I would have been inclined to see how much I could glean out of her, not that I would be over curious of what happened but curious of how much she trusted me in sharing her best kept secrets. If she's taken care of you pretty good for the past 20 years... well its so easy to forget all that since it's all about you hey. This was an opportunity to get much closer to your wife, her trusting you with something she considered private but you blew the moment. The reason she isn't feeling guilty is probably because she isn't feeling guilty. From now on she won't tell you spit about how she really feels. Your best chance at recovery is to apologize and ask what you can do to regain her trust. Make a trip to the jewelry store. Read some threads here and understand that she's right! Your lucky there wasn't more. Are you trying to push her to? Where is your vision man! But then again... this might be a cover-up for something that is going on now and it's a good way to distract from the real infidelity. Ahh yes... this makes sense and it explains her lack of compassion for your reaction. And it explains your need to ask the question in the first place. As a matter of fact I have been on the receiving end of this tactic which initially works pretty good. She's got you chasing the wrong ghost. So what inclined you to question her fidelity? You are feeling insecure for a reason. What is it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 But then again... this might be a cover-up for something that is going on now and it's a good way to distract from the real infidelity. Ahh yes... this makes sense and it explains her lack of compassion for your reaction. And it explains your need to ask the question in the first place. As a matter of fact I have been on the receiving end of this tactic which initially works pretty good. She's got you chasing the wrong ghost. So what inclined you to question her fidelity? You are feeling insecure for a reason. What is it? I was thinking and about to ask the same thing. Why did you ask last Friday? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 20 years ago? Really? Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Seriously, you are way overreacting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 She danced with a guy and was kissing him and some groping went on. She says there was no Sex, however her story has been changing a little every time we talk. I am not sure I believe that there was no sex. Was SHE doing the groping or both? And how did she respond to it? No sex, well maybe, but if she LET him continue the groping, no sex was probably due to lack of opportunity. However, you say you asked if she CHEATED and by her respoinding the way she did, she DID consider that cheating......... hmmmmmmm..... Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 20 years ago? Really? Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Seriously, you are way overreacting. Randy, just so you know - ^^^those are the words of a cheater and a liar. Those who live honestly expect the same in return. Discovering that your wife has been lying to you for 20 years is tough to take. It makes you wonder what else she is hiding from you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Randy, just so you know - ^^^those are the words of a cheater and a liar. Those who live honestly expect the same in return. Discovering that your wife has been lying to you for 20 years is tough to take. It makes you wonder what else she is hiding from you. They may be, but getting upset abut being groped 20 years ago is not being very smart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 That, and the fact that it may have occurred 20 years ago for her, but it occurred within days ago as far as he's concerned. He's still processing, and the input she's giving isn't helping her case. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 I don't think it was the 20 years ago thing that probably bothers him. If he was like me, if he just found out, sure he is going to have questions and such, and he has every right to be upset. But the problem is not that she did this 20 years ago, the problem is she is unapologetic, not remoresful, and says he is lucky that she didn't do more since she blamed him in the first place. Thats the problem and if he feels the same way, he is not overreacting. Its not her past behavior, but her present. He should just leave then. Throw away 20 years, and just leave. It is a huge nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Well, what has your marriage been like the last 20 years? Are you seriously going to freak out about something that happened so long ago? If nothing is going on now and things have been okay since, get over it. Seriously. Unless you've been there, you couldn't possibly understand. It doesn't matter if it has been 20 years, 20 months, or 20 days. It's still a kick in the balls for the betrayed spouse. Being 20 years ago doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Unless you've been there, you couldn't possibly understand. It doesn't matter if it has been 20 years, 20 months, or 20 days. It's still a kick in the balls for the betrayed spouse. Being 20 years ago doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder. That's right. The almost inevitable feeling, valid or not, is that the last 20 years have been a lie. She can either help him through it and be honest and reassuring, or she can confirm the feeling that he never really knew her at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 In your quest to follow BS's around and tear them down, you didn't read a word of what I said. So never mind. I'm not tearing anyone down, I'm telling them to wake up. Stop living in pollyanna-ville. If you are going to bve so petty to be hung up on something that happened SO long ago, you should probably move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 In your quest to follow BS's around and tear them down, you didn't read a word of what I said. So never mind. Tear them down? How? All I said his beef is petty. It is the truth. He can feel hurt all he wants but making an issues out of something/nothing that happened 20 years ago is not very smart. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 She didn't have to share so why did she? An sentimental opportunity for honesty or an opportunity for some drama and entertainment in watching her h squirm while she trickles out invented details? Or perhaps, and we all know this one, in answering the question she shared the least and most minimal of all infidelities. I am having a difficult time with the groped on the dance floor story... I am trying to imagine a dance floor grope that would qualify as infidelity. Maybe he was pressing her and that's all she could come up with. The post doesn't indicate that she was gone all night so maybe there is nothing here. I think some of us that have been severely burned see this as nothing whereas this guy is suffering his first bleed. Pain is relative I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Tear them down? How? All I said his beef is petty. It is the truth. He can feel hurt all he wants but making an issues out of something/nothing that happened 20 years ago is not very smart. I couldn't disagree more vehemently. He just found out so his d-day was 1 week ago - how can you be so callus? For some people, having a spouse hide their cheating for many years is just as painful as discovering a current affair. In addition to the shock of the actual cheating, he knows that their life together has been a lie for all this time. He can't help but wonder how many other lies she is holding back. You start to examine every one of her "girls night out" and weekend retreats and everything like that. OP: you have a right to feel however you feel. If your wife continues to take the low-road by blaming you to excuse her behavior, it could be that she is so ashamed of what she did that she cannot face the truth. She isn't capable of seeing that she did a bad thing and hence is a bad person. You will both need counseling in order to resolve this and I urge you to start as soon as possible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 I get that it feels new to him. And yes, she should be kinder about reassuring him. Kissing and groping a guy when she was young and stupid doesn't make her a slut. And 20 years of faithfulness is worth something. OP - you should go back to your wife and have another conversation about it. Go into it making it all about you and your feelings - don't attack or blame or give her a reason to get defensive. Tell her that you know it was a long time ago, but it feels new to you. That if she told you before, you don't remember, and it's throwing you for a loop. That you just want some reassurance that it was the only time something happened and that she loves you and is faithful to you. You have to remember, to her it is ancient history. Something she likely felt badly about at the time, but has since stuffed it into the bottom of her mind so she never has to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 In addition to the shock of the actual cheating, he knows that their life together has been a lie for all this time. Their whole life hasn't been a lie because she kissed a guy on the dance floor 20 years ago. How dramatic. He can't help but wonder how many other lies she is holding back. You start to examine every one of her "girls night out" and weekend retreats and everything like that. I do get this part. Yes, if you find out your spouse betrayed you, I get that it could cause you to question everything. She isn't capable of seeing that she did a bad thing and hence is a bad person. !!! Really? Every person who makes a mistake is a bad person? I guess everyone is bad then, because I don't know anyone who never made a mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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