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Wife had an affair. Stay Married or Divorce?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th September 2013, 7:56 PM   #16
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What I would like to know is, what are other peoples perspectives on getting divorced and still being together. For me it would be like wiping the slate clean, for her it's taking massive steps backward. I've told her I want to divorce but stay with her, she was absolutely devastated by this and I've had to stop her doing stupid things to herself. I'm abit scared about all this to be honest, I don't want to be without her but I feel she's destroyed our marriage. she's said if we divorce she wants to get married again asap as she wants to be my wife and likes being my wife, which has just looped around to me saying why, why , why did you do it! I've been very distracted, deep in thought about it.
You are obsessed with this issue so let's talk about it a bit. First, getting divorced but staying together is a symbolic thing, not real action to reconcile. You believe that divorce as a symbolic gesture will "wipe the slate clean". This is pretty much the same as "time heals all wounds" - it sounds noble and good but it doesn't work. Period. No symbolic gesture is going to help you accept what she has done or ease the pain or make the porn movies in your mind go away. Real, actual emotional work is required here and this paper-divorce thing is bullsh*t. Find a counselor for yourself and get to work. You say your are struggling the most with the sexual component of her cheating. Join the club: that is consistent with most betrayed husbands. For many men, the sexual component is something that we cannot overcome and ultimately end the relationship. For others the sex is the thing that makes reconciliation even harder. Along with finding ways to fix your marital problems and for her to earn back your trust you have to deal with visions of her and OM doing all kinds of disgusting acts. And these thoughts come crashing into our minds at random times and can set us back to square zero for a time. Reconciliation is really, really hard and really, really painful. Since you have children all the pain and work might be worth it, at least until you think they are old enough to handle a real divorce a little better than they can now. You don't have to live with their mother to be a great dad - remember that.
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Old 19th September 2013, 8:09 PM   #17
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I didn't read all of your post but according to a great many on this board, and others, its normal for spouses to cheat. Suck it up, get tested, maybe have your own affair, and stay married.

Are you really going to follow advice from strangers? Can you not seek help and support from real people who know and care about you; and share similar beliefs?
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Old 19th September 2013, 8:31 PM   #18
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78% of marriages survive an affair.

Your two kids should be your motivation to not pull the trigger on a fast divorce. Right now your brain is not settled enough to make life changing decisions.

You need to learn how to make sure your WW has NC. How to work at affair proofing the marriage. Also the steps needed to recover. So get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
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Old 19th September 2013, 8:42 PM   #19
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78% of marriages survive an affair.

Your two kids should be your motivation to not pull the trigger on a fast divorce. Right now your brain is not settled enough to make life changing decisions.

You need to learn how to make sure your WW has NC. How to work at affair proofing the marriage. Also the steps needed to recover. So get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.
Interesting, i read that 69% do not survive an affair but who knows for sure
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Old 19th September 2013, 11:02 PM   #20
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I don't know why you were concerned if she was wearing her wedding ring. She was naked in front of the guy. The only thing that wasn't uncovered was where her ring was on her finger.

As far as her just laying back and letting the guy have his way with her and the sex being lousy, I hope your not buying that. How many times was it? 3? Then she brings the kid with her?

You have a lot to think about and if she's off her meds and you plan on staying with her then maybe your going to have to be the one to administer her meds. How many pills per day? if it's one then make sure you see her take it and if need be, tell her to open her mouth to see if she swallows it. Kind of like if she was a kid. Good luck to you.
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Old 20th September 2013, 2:49 AM   #21
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I don't know why you were concerned if she was wearing her wedding ring. She was naked in front of the guy. The only thing that wasn't uncovered was where her ring was on her finger.

As far as her just laying back and letting the guy have his way with her and the sex being lousy, I hope your not buying that. How many times was it? 3? Then she brings the kid with her?

You have a lot to think about and if she's off her meds and you plan on staying with her then maybe your going to have to be the one to administer her meds. How many pills per day? if it's one then make sure you see her take it and if need be, tell her to open her mouth to see if she swallows it. Kind of like if she was a kid. Good luck to you.
She also told me she never got fully undressed, he initiated it everytime, I know she is very self concious about her body. You are right though, it could easily be lies to protect herself. The thing is, she's very sincere, maybe I just want to believe it. I appreciate what you and everyone else has said though. I am not going to make decisions based entirely on this thread but I might use it to help me ask questions or think of things that I may have overlooked.
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Old 20th September 2013, 4:24 AM   #22
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She also told me she never got fully undressed, he initiated it everytime, I know she is very self concious about her body. You are right though, it could easily be lies to protect herself. The thing is, she's very sincere, maybe I just want to believe it. I appreciate what you and everyone else has said though. I am not going to make decisions based entirely on this thread but I might use it to help me ask questions or think of things that I may have overlooked.
Some people lie when they are caught and downplay it. Others spill everything. Honestly there is no way to ever know if you have the whole story. You learn over time to accept that and try to move through it . It's hard to get past an affair.

Your wife seems remorseful and she did admit it when you caught her.Many people will only admit what you can find not what all happened. She appears to be trying to show you she is remorseful by her current actions.

I don't understand you wanting to be divorced but stay together. Either work through it and stay married or divorce. I do understand feeling as though the marriage is no longer real or means anything. I felt that way for a long time.

Ask yourself "will I be happier with her or without her"? Then decide what you need to do.
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Old 20th September 2013, 4:53 AM   #23
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Dressed or undressed what's the difference, she freely allowed another man to put his penis in her, probably without protection and probably with your wedding ring on her finger. Did she have your child with her when she did this? The bottom line is she slept with him because she wanted to or she would have said no. She would still be doing it if you hadn't caught her even though she wants you to believe the sex was bad. She doesn't want to divorce you yet she won't honor the marriage vows she made to you. So what does her word mean? The question is, is the contract she made with you when you married her void because she never honored her word? The contract is only the public record of the vow you made to each other, will signing a new contract make a difference if she didn't honor the other one? What is she doing to make you believe her this time?

What you need to decide is do you want to be with someone that can't make you feel safe? Will she get the help and do the work it takes to change? Hold your decision regarding divorce until she has gotten the professional help she needs.
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Old 20th September 2013, 10:41 AM   #24
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Hi Fred, Sorry to see that you are suffering in this way. I read your post and I have a few points to clarify.

Firstly, Have you informed your wife's parents? If not, do you intend to do so? If you have, what has been their reaction? If you haven't then I suggest that you do so immediately and then ask them to take her in with them so that you have some time to your self to mull things over and decide how you feel about the whole thing without your wife being in your face all the time you are at home.

Secondly, Your wife was the one who wanted this 'marriage' so desperately whereas you, on the other hand were not convinced about the merits of getting married. This means that she should have been much more invested in the 'marriage' aspect of your relationship and all it entailed, than you were. With this in mind I do not understand how she became cold and distant with you as you have said, which resulted in your reciprocating her attitude. In fact because she wanted this 'marriage' so dearly, she is the one who should have come to you and initiated communication regarding your problems and then both of you should have striven to resolve these. Both of you are fault for not having done the necessary spade work to sort things out which resulted in her finding comfort in the arms of another man. Having done the sordid deed she then realized that she had jeopardized her 'marriage' and when you confronted her, she confessed and is now trying her best to make it up to you by being loving and caring and bending over backwards to show that she cares for you. Problem is that this is too late. What is the point of locking the stable doors after the horse has bolted?

Thirdly, it is up to you to decide what your boundaries are. Can you accept what she has done and live with it or will it forever rankle in your mind? You have to think of yourself here and NOT so much about her. Your children will always be yours and suitable arrangements can be worked out to ensure that you will always be a part of their lives. Can you be sure she will not repeat this behaviour later when things have died down as far as this affair is concerned? I say this especially because she has psychiatric problems and these can be a source of future infidelities on her part. So think about this long and hard and while you are alone and away from her. Once you come to a conclusion, act on it and act boldly and proactively. My best wishes to you. Cheers!

Last edited by Just a Guy; 20th September 2013 at 10:47 AM..
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Old 20th September 2013, 11:30 AM   #25
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Hi Fred, Sorry to see that you are suffering in this way. I read your post and I have a few points to clarify.

Firstly, Have you informed your wife's parents? If not, do you intend to do so? If you have, what has been their reaction? If you haven't then I suggest that you do so immediately and then ask them to take her in with them so that you have some time to your self to mull things over and decide how you feel about the whole thing without your wife being in your face all the time you are at home.

Secondly, Your wife was the one who wanted this 'marriage' so desperately whereas you, on the other hand were not convinced about the merits of getting married. This means that she should have been much more invested in the 'marriage' aspect of your relationship and all it entailed, than you were. With this in mind I do not understand how she became cold and distant with you as you have said, which resulted in your reciprocating her attitude. In fact because she wanted this 'marriage' so dearly, she is the one who should have come to you and initiated communication regarding your problems and then both of you should have striven to resolve these. Both of you are fault for not having done the necessary spade work to sort things out which resulted in her finding comfort in the arms of another man. Having done the sordid deed she then realized that she had jeopardized her 'marriage' and when you confronted her, she confessed and is now trying her best to make it up to you by being loving and caring and bending over backwards to show that she cares for you. Problem is that this is too late. What is the point of locking the stable doors after the horse has bolted?

Thirdly, it is up to you to decide what your boundaries are. Can you accept what she has done and live with it or will it forever rankle in your mind? You have to think of yourself here and NOT so much about her. Your children will always be yours and suitable arrangements can be worked out to ensure that you will always be a part of their lives. Can you be sure she will not repeat this behaviour later when things have died down as far as this affair is concerned? I say this especially because she has psychiatric problems and these can be a source of future infidelities on her part. So think about this long and hard and while you are alone and away from her. Once you come to a conclusion, act on it and act boldly and proactively. My best wishes to you. Cheers!
You're right about her being invested in our marriage more than I was. In the early years of our relationship, she was jealous and very insecure. I couldn't go anywhere I lost all my friends and never got new ones. I think I started going inward on myself. That's probably where it all started, not all was bad but I did begin to resent her and have a bad attitude but I did and still do love her. I'm not like that now, in the last few years I have started to have friends, lost alot of weight etc and feeling much better about things. My wife was very shy and lacked confidence, I've often tried to encourage her to do more over the years and she has also become better within herself. The problem is we still led pretty much separate lives for a long time and this is the result of that. The thing is we both still want to be together but we were both stupid and now my head is screwed up my mind keeps jumping from one emotion to the next. She keeps telling me I need to stop thinking bad things so I can move on, it's only been 29 days ffs!
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Old 20th September 2013, 11:46 AM   #26
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Fred.

It doesn't matter if she was totally naked or if she just pulled her pants down. The guy still saw what he wasn't supposed to see and it doesn't matter if he was the one who initiated it. She still has a voice box and could have said no.

I think your right. You just want to believe it. Be careful. It could lead you down a very bumpy dead end road
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Old 21st September 2013, 5:02 PM   #27
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Tell her this will take many years to get better, not just a month.

Tell her that when she ripped your heart out and set it on fire, you have to put out the fire, put the heart back in and restart it.

Sometimes the heart can not take all of the damage and will not start again.

Maybe you should divorce, let her hang around and have her sign that if she cheats again, she gets nothing.
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Old 21st September 2013, 10:44 PM   #28
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I feel sad to those BS happily accepted their faith brought by their WS. They seem always ready and willingly to forgive their WS no matter what they do. Some others will go to the extreme subconsciously defending WS infidelity and give them valid reason why their life wrecking behavior is acceptable. SMH

Understanding and Forgiveness are special gifts you can give to someone who really deserves it but a lousy gifts if you want to teach someone a good lesson.

Last edited by happysong; 21st September 2013 at 10:51 PM..
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Old 22nd September 2013, 9:47 AM   #29
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Fred.

It doesn't matter if she was totally naked or if she just pulled her pants down. The guy still saw what he wasn't supposed to see and it doesn't matter if he was the one who initiated it. She still has a voice box and could have said no.

I think your right. You just want to believe it. Be careful. It could lead you down a very bumpy dead end road

WW's lie. That is why you can not trust or believe her she has said happened during her affair. This is why you must. Not should. You must schedule a polygraph test to get the whole truth.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 10:16 AM   #30
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I am as certain as I can be that she is very regretful and wish it never happened. ... I feel that my marriage is a complete pile of horse crap ... I have told my wife that I would stay with her but I want a divorce as I no longer respect the ideals or values marriage is supposed to represent. My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go. ... I guess, though, our children will not like it but it shouldn't matter, nothing changes for them.
You've both made changes and she's contrite - two good signs that your marriage is still more than "a pile of horse crap." The institution of marriage isn't the problem - the disconnect between you and your wife is. As for your children, do you really want to send them the message that marriage doesn't mean anything? And they WILL be affected. They'll be confused - why does Dad want to divorce but not leave? If Dad is so miserable and unhappy that he'll create a divorce and all the emotional turmoil that goes with it, then why would he still stay with Mom? If your marriage is that bad, get a divorce and move out. If the relationship can be saved, save it, stay, and stay married. The relationship between you and your wife and between you and your kids is what's important here. This is not the time to make statements about what the marital institution means or doesn't mean.
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