Girlfriend/pre-fiance cheated and is pregnant

[jh664322]

I've been with her for almost 3 years now and I had the ring picked out and things were moving along for us to become a stronger, married unit. I think the thing I loved most about her was her seeming purity, innocence, she wasn't loose sexually, was religious, and just didn't seem like your average 21st century MTV generation girl with a disposable mindset. So because of this I was able to appreciate her immensely even though she is older than me by 10 years and because of my maturity (says she).

 

 

I became depressed because I was basically just with her in a new location and she was very busy with work, sometimes being gone for a week at a time and on average she would be gone all day. She would come home and always be on her phone and she probably has ADHD if one was to be technical about it; its very hard to relate and feel connected to someone like that.

 

 

Our sex has always been amazing, we both agree, and she was not for want of pleasure or MY attention. However, she was very conservative with the attention I got, the respect I was given, the appreciation I received, etc. Since I met her, her family AND a member of my family said I would use her because of her career position and because of mine. Her counselor also told her she was in a toxic relationship and basically everyone told her to go, but it seems at this point, and she would agree, that she was given very misinformed, malicious, or poor advice by just about everyone. Some people did favor us and did see the ton of love we had and these are the people who matter and the ones who are most dismayed by her actions.

 

 

Yes, things for the past year have been steadily deteriorating. She became more and more inaccessible and I became more and more depressed and this was a vicious cycle. It culminated when she told me to take time away from her to 'figure out my life' at my family's residence many states away from her. I regretfully said ok and went home. While home, I stopped drinking completely which I attributed to some of our problems and agreed to counseling for myself so I could bring more to her. She routinely placed much, if not all blame, on me and did not note her involvement in our relationship and its problems because she had everyone elses opinion to rely on, her job to disappear into, and the comfort of her friends and subordinates who would probably placate her more than advise her.

 

 

She keeps men in her life from her past which has bothered me from the get go and she has always heard my arguments against it and the logical reason for her to get rid of them. Her ex husband, some guy who has wanted her sexually for years, various people from work, etc. One man, was someone she was helping with his marital problems for about the last 6 months at least. I immediately was suspicious because it wasnt help for a week or two and then a referral to couples counseling, it just kept going on and on and turned into texts and emails and whatever else. I grilled her a few times and told her this guy was trying to snake his way in but I thought honestly to be with another man for her was unthinkable for the reasons listed above and because her ex cheated on her twice, she forgave him once and the second time was the last straw.

 

 

Well, one day I walked into my living room and see she left her ipad, which is rare, but it showed text messages on it from her phone. I was horrified by what I saw. Clear evidence of her keeping her friendship (relationship??) secret from me. As I read more, I realized it was much more than that. She said she wanted the baby in her tummy to be his so she could be with his family, raise the kid together, and raise his kids for him. Marry him. Get him this ring and go on that cruise. This is not someone who could have done this so I was confused and no she wasnt on drugs like I had hoped because that would have made sense.

 

 

She never denied it when I confronted her. She actually told me she had sex with him, which I didn't see in the texts. Here's the thing. She told me she hadn't wanted to be with me anymore and decided this when she sent me home to get better but obviously didnt tell me that. She had sex with this guy within the week after I left. She is a bit naturally naive and this guy did seduce her with wining and dining, he was a coworker (IS one actually), old friends, she trusted him, and she told me she admired his career achievements, how he had children (she couldnt to her knowledge), and his success I guess (even though she herself has ALL of those things minus the kids). So it was a sporting event with a box and hotel room, he got her drunk (he wasnt), and they had a 10 minute, unprotected, finishing in her, session. She says it was lame and she didnt like it and she turned down his oral attempt and basically just laid there and let it happen after he chased her around the room while she moderately but obviously not seriously told him no; which to me would only be encouragement as there is a difference between "No, i dont want this" and "this isnt a good idea....."

 

 

I knew nothing of this event for 2 MONTHS! I came home, we had sex, things were harder than ever in our relationship but I just figured it was normal trouble that we needed to work through. When I found out about the infidelity, i saw she was in a relationship with this man for two months, since I had left and all the while I was back. She still holds to being with him only once. He does live about 2 hours away and although a coworker, they are not geographically associates and both are busy. But one sexual encounter in two months? They called, face timed, had dinner twice, he met his family and kids once or twice, she sent him non-sexual pictures of her a few times, and that is about it according to her. So, this was a full blown affair. She started it off with the sex.

 

 

She maintains she was going to break up with him because he was nothing that she loved in me. She thought she would be happier with him because he was just like her in every way and she found that he, quite ironically, was dismissive, cold, and difficult to be around; which are my gripes with her exactly. She told him to get lost in a text, blocked him, and he has only called her work number twice to get in touch.

 

 

Now, take my word, she REALLY IS not like other girls and I've been with others. This doesn't seem like her at all so I want to believe her but I find that extremely risky at this point. I've tried telling her that it cant get any worse and to just tell all and she has I suppose but I've discovered that she is very guarded emotionally, which is the main reason we were failing, and she is not honest with her feelings. So really, anything could be true now.

 

 

 

 

Here is the coup de gras. I left again after she told me of her infidelity because my condition was completely deteriorated and I needed to be with my family. While away, she told me she was pregnant. I wanted it before but now I find my feelings are all over the place. I told her I'm not coming back until she gets a paternity test, which she agreed to completely. She has been very pliable really with any request I've made for information, details, etc. It feels so low class to be a part of this and its not like her either, the entire ordeal is humiliating and everyone knows.

 

 

If it is this other guys kid (and the dates could line up that way), I have already told her I am gone. I also told her I want serious evidence of paternity that I will independently verify.

 

 

Well, I guess how I am feeling is pretty typical. But I have some questions.

 

 

This guy's marriage was already failed as far as I know but should I contact him and politely tell him to get lost? I don't want him contacting her in perpetuity. Maybe have her call him and tell him to get lost with me sitting there? She texted him and he doesn't seem to understand although she is of the mind that he didnt care much for her because he called her only twice. However, since her personal number is blocked he can only call her work so many times before arousing suspicion.

 

 

There need to be some kind of consequences but I don't know what. She told me she would be ok with me and another woman having sex if she was involved and it was 1 time but that doesn't seem like a good answer because I don't want to compromise my integrity. I guess I could withhold sex but I dont want to drive her away by withholding that.

 

 

I hate that marriage was down the road, a baby was there (which is a miracle and what she and I wanted badly), and we had zero other major issues that plague couples and now its screwed up. I still want her but I feel like if I marry her and she has a healthy child that all of this will lay only with me as an emotional burden, she already is trying to move on in a sense and I just feel bad about that, like its not fair.

 

 

She is emphatically in love with me now, like when we started. She even wants me to raise the kid even if its this other guys (which I wont). She seems to have self discovered a bunch and has agreed to couples counseling and personal counseling for herself. I think we realized how selfish she is with her feelings and emotions and how she looked elsewhere to avoid having to open up to me, which is all i ever wanted from her. Much of this has been good for us, i cant lie, but the pain and resentment is very real. Somehow I picture the physical act whenever I sit down and try to meditate or something, i picture his dna in her and wonder why she didnt say no, use protection, have him pull out, or anything else to avoid that. And instead of confessing to me immediately, why did she try to have a relationship with this person.

 

 

It sounds strange but i think she committed to this relationship thinking we were finished (unbeknownst to me) and so it wouldnt matter what she did. She was more hostile to me but never told me outright we were breaking up or that we were done.

 

Things have been very good for the past few days, very hopeful and positive, and she is regretful and upset about what she did. I just dont know how to move on. I do think I will try again with her if its my child.

 

We are scheduled for couples counseling but that wont be for a while because I refuse to see her until I know who the father is. So, in the meantime, what should I be doing and what should I NOT being doing. And what is a good punishment or consequence for her at this point? Should I not take her calls or withhold something else from her that maybe she enjoys as a given?

 

 

Thoughts?

 

-Dave

[Balzac]

Ugly mess. I'd be done and gone.

[BetrayedH]

If you stay with her, there will be plenty of natural consequences to her cheating on you. Don't impose any additional, artificial ones. Your instincts about a threesome or sex with another girl compromising your integrity are correct. It's a pretty normal thought process to entertain (revenge, that is) but it's not healthy. If you're going to reconcile, it's going to take years of hard work on her part (and yours). Don't complicate it further.

 

Read the post pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. It will give you a better idea of what true remorse and reconciliation look like.

 

Keep reading and posting.

[jh664322]

If you stay with her, there will be plenty of natural consequences to her cheating on you. Don't impose any additional, artificial ones. Your instincts about a threesome or sex with another girl compromising your integrity are correct. It's a pretty normal thought process to entertain (revenge, that is) but it's not healthy. If you're going to reconcile, it's going to take years of hard work on her part (and yours). Don't complicate it further.

 

Read the post pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know. It will give you a better idea of what true remorse and reconciliation look like.

 

Keep reading and posting.

 

Thank you.

[katielee]

if the baby isn't yours, you should run.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you.

 

You're welcome.

 

For what it's worth, it's a positive sign that she's willing to do individual and couples counseling. I also think you've done well to pause everything until you hae paternity results.

 

It's very hard to make smart decisions this early. You're doing well.

[jh664322]

You're welcome.

 

For what it's worth, it's a positive sign that she's willing to do individual and couples counseling. I also think you've done well to pause everything until you hae paternity results.

 

It's very hard to make smart decisions this early. You're doing well.

 

Things are very positive right now and like I said, a lot of good things have come from this but at a heavy cost. The link you provided is helpful and I gave it to her too. I'm the kind of person who has to know every detail and I think I do, right down to the dirty details, but the broken trust leaves me wanting more information that might not even be there. Ugh. Just staying positive and sober.

[Coolit]

I know someone who raised another man's baby, loved the baby as his own and forgave his wife. That has got to be some kind of special person to do that. His reasoning was his wife was sorry an the child innocent. I would never suggest anyone to do this.

 

But i would say don't let the child being yours make you stay. You should stay because your wife is remorseful and you want to be able to forgive her. So even if the kid is yours don't think you have to reconcile.

[Balzac]

Other men here have been on this journey. You'll find many supportive and knowledgeable people here. Keep posting.

[aliveagain]

You have other options. If the child is yours you can still be a great father without being with her. Do not reconcile for the wrong reason, you never do it because of a child, you only do it because of love. How far along is she? You need to talk to a lawyer because once you know there is a possibility that the child may not be yours and you stay with her, you could be deemed as accepting responsibility for her child.

 

The assurance of paternity is one of the core values of marriage, it is this value that bound men to parental responsibilities since antiquity. Don't give up your right to a guarantee of paternity, this is her mistake, she needs to fix it in a way acceptable to you. Please find out your rights, talk to a lawyer.

[ChooseTruth]

Hey, sorry you are going through this. For about a week I thought I was going to be in your shoes, possibly raising another man's child. Then she miscarried. And after that, we tried to work things out, but she wouldn't end all contact with the OM because they shared a martial arts class she didn't want to quit. We are now separated over a year with D finalizing...soon...I hope...

 

How long have you known about all this? For me it took a bit for me to start seeing how everything affected me. It will be especially hard when you start living with her again. How are you handling her working with this guy? Are you really going to be cool with that?

 

Personally I think it would be better to split early on, sparing your kid the drama and loss when she cheats again. She sounds like she has boundary issues. One of the most common ways to start an affair is to talk about marriage problems with a person of the opposite sex.

 

Staying for the kid is a noble idea...and I tried it too but, yuck. She's already failing the WS test. No contact is a big one. Learning boundaries, not blaming you, telling the whole truth, etc, etc.

[bubbaganoosh]

The one thing you did was put this woman on a pedestal of something close to the Virgin Mary and now your finding out that she isn't what you thought she was. I feel bad for you but you better take another good look at her and this time open your eyes.

 

She keeps other men in her life. You don't like it or want it but she does it anyhow. Ask yourself if that will stop real quick. What was once a vice is now a habit. She has an affair and is now carrying a baby that your not sure that is yours. You read the text message and she wanted the baby to be this other guys, was cheating on you for two months. You said that she's naïve but in reality your the one whose naïve. You either didn't want to know what type of person she is or she really snowballed you.

 

There is a whole lot that you have yet to uncover with her. She already told you that you can have another woman as long as she could join which tells me that she is Bi sexual. Did you know that before you got into a relationship with her? She would agree to the threesome but it's perfectly alright for her to go solo with another guy. See above NAIVE.

 

You had better sit back and think about this long and hard AND SOBER because it sounds like your in a situation where the rule is "Don't do what I do but do what I say" because so far that's the way your relationship is going. Hold off on any marriage for a while. It's bad enough that she's pregnant. What you don't need is to be saddled with someone who will do as she pleases when the time is right for her and she'll expect you to suck it up and go along with the program. Think real hard.

Edited September 19, 2013 by bubbaganoosh

[atreides]

Regardless if the baby is yours or not, do not stay with her. There are other options. As aliveagain stated you can be a great father without her. I am truly sorry this happened to you, what a mess.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Leave. I'd never trust her again. You have not met the child. Her stupid decisions made the situation. Now make a smart one and leave.

[harrybrown]

You are not married to her. Run, run, and then run. She cheated on you, and with a baby around, life will get tough. She told you she was finished with you. You will only end up with a huge mess, she can't keep these other men out of her life. Do not marry this cheating woman.

[road]

You are young. Best course of action is to stay separated until the DNA test is done when the baby is born.

 

During that time GF has to demonstrate her fixing herself. Such as IC. Transparent so you can monitor her NC.

 

If the child is yours then you can marry her or share custody. You are young. History has shown when they cheat on you when dating the odds are the will cheat on you after you marry them.

[jh664322]

Thank you fellow posters. Yesterday was going fine until she told me more of her sexual dealing with this man. I already gave her a free pass to disclose all and she didnt take it. Well, then she tells me about other dinners and being fingered a few times, stroking him, and one session where she thought they were going to have sex but then didnt because his kids came home. The REAL cool part about this is that previously I thought it was sex once while i was away and then just remote romance and nothing else, but it turns out she was doing these things while I was back for a month!

 

So I got livid of course and she was begging me and begging me and begging me to take her back and saying she wanted to wait to disclose these things face to face and/or at counseling. I called her a whore and said she was easy and some other things of that nature. And then she started on the "feeling like im gonna die" "i hate myself stuff" and I guess she started bleeding. Well at this point, she has become more enraged than iver ever seen (all of this over text) and blaming me for what she thought was a miscarriage. She went to the hospital and I think it is ok because she stabilized but im sure the fighting doesnt help. So I think maybe we should stop talking about what she did and forget it happened until in a controlled environmemt.

 

Next her sister, who has never been my fan because she is a bitch by nature, is telling her how horrible i am, manipulative, and to make me stay away from what is potentially my child.

 

Somehow, the whole thing ends up being my fault. I had the vacillation between hating her guts to loving her. The thought of being apart and having some shmuck raise my kid and **** my woman is infuriating and makes me want to break every piece of glass in my house. Who are these interlopers, her sister, her man whore, all of these negative forces, who the hell are they?

 

This is very nearly my worst nightmare EXCEPT, she does still want me. She is very well off so wont be seeking any support from me because i have none to give at all; which further complicates the issue because she is rich and i am not and I was the caretaker and homekeeper, even though im college educated. That is the plan we hatched together.

 

I think what I am having the most difficulty with is the extreme desire to make her feel terrible and awful and low, which is neither good for her or her child, so i need to find an exodus for that; this rage i feel. I dont want to hurt her but where else does the blame go.

[yessy21]

Don't stay with her Dave.

 

Shes a serial cheater. you just don't know it yet.

 

if you read your intro again you will see it hidden between your words in regards to her actions.

 

take the blindfold off my friend. She is .... UNA SUCIA.

 

And if you do stay with her because you are too afraid of being without her... then please get a paternity test. if the baby is not yours... your going to be really really embarrassed.... as everyone will realize that she is... UNA SUCIA.

[Balzac]

I'm sorry you're dealing with "trifle truth" - common behavior.

I'm confused if you two were trying to conceive? Seems to me there's more to her story.

 

Paternity can be tested during the pregnancy btw.

[yessy21]

Theyre putting the blame on you?

 

sounds like two peas that shared a pod.

[bubbaganoosh]

First thing is don't let them blame you for her affair. That's her doings and she has to take responsibility for her actions. If the child is yours, you can be a good father even though your not under the same roof with her which brings me to this.

 

Your a college educated guy. Go get a job and start supporting yourself. That's part of the problem. She's the bread winner and her actions tell me she's holding it over your head. You need a job. Go get one and find another place to live. You being there in that environment is doing you no good.

[Balzac]

She is very well off so wont be seeking any support from me because i have none to give at all; which further complicates the issue because she is rich and i am not and I was the caretaker and homekeeper, even though im college educated. That is the plan we hatched together.

 

I'm certain you're doing little else it think about your situation.

I'd suggest you direct some of that thought to developing several plans for the eventuality of becoming a father.

It seems reasonable to follow your plan to be the primary, FT, caregiver. What independent housing is available for you in close proximity to her home? You can work out a contract w her to pay expenses and compensation for you too. An attorney can assist you w this. Private school tuition, activity fees, camps, lessons, life insurance on the mother, many considerations. Providing for this child is about stability absent conflict.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she was extremely adventurous with this dude, even while you were there!

 

I hate to say it and I'm pretty sure you know it. That kid isn't yours. I would distance yourself from this girl altogether. Just wait to find out if this kid is yours. Give up the cheek swab and when you find out that it's someone else's, move on with your life.

[BetrayedH]

Trickle Truth is very common as they try to "protect" us from further hurt. Sadly for them, the truth usually comes to light and it sets bsck the recovery clock back to zero. They fail to understand that while we may be able to forgive even some of the most offensive acts, we can't dedicate our life to someone who is actively lying to our face.

 

My suggestion is that you make it clear to her that what you absolutely MUST have is complete honesty. Promise her that she can disclose anything to you with your guarantee of no yelling, no swearing, no name calling or insults. Once she's done that, there's to he no further discussion of the affair until a paternity test has been performed (and yes, they can do these before the birth and you need to know paternity before your name ends up on a birth certificate).

 

What comes next is her demonstrating true remorse. Some of the basics are no contact with the OM, full transparency, and counseling to figure out why she cheated (so that she can avoid using that coping mechanism again and you can feel less vulnerable to a repeat performance).

 

IF she is truly remorseful, then you need to decide if you have it within youto forgive her.

 

My personal opinion is that if the child is not yours, you should bail. If it is yours, and she is truly remorseful, and you think you can forgive her (a process that typically takes 2-5 years), then you can decide to make a go of it.

 

My $.02

[jh664322]

Thank you all for the continued responses. We have settled at this point on not discussing her affair without the presence of some kind of professional help, meaning not unless we are actually at a counseling session. I think the revelation process for me is too painful and thus enraging and she feels the shame, pain from hurting me, and anger at the entire situation and quickly deteriorates herself. I dont think she, or I guess any cheater, realized the magnitude of her actions....how they wouldnt get wiped away so easily.

 

I really struggle with her dealings with this other guy. I dont mind what she did with her ex, because it was all before I even knew her, but this guy was while I looked at her as mine, my woman, my body alone, my heart alone. I called her "easy" last night, which didnt help but was something of a self discovery process for myself because I recalled how I had become involved with her and the sex was upfront although we had spoken for a while prior, like she had with this guy, it did seem easy. Because I didnt have to work for it that hard and he didnt either, she was easy, and in the future there is nothing to suggest she wouldnt do it again. Dont women make you work for it anymore? I was willing to accept that she was just THAT into me so fast but its fake i think. I dont know if I mentioned that she was talking about marrying him, going on cruises, having children, joining his family, etc all in the course of the 2 months that the relationship was "hot" and not strictly friendship. I mean, that just doesnt sound like the conduct of a normal person. She wanted to marry me quickly as well. You would have to meet her to know her for real, but she is very positive (possibly artificially) and whimsical in a Disney kind of way and I am much more realistic. So I do look at her with disbelief regarding specifically her sudden plans with this guy. I dont even know where he was with it, my assessment is that he was probably using her and filling in the void left by his ex wife but wasnt trying to get married and have more kids (at 50 !?) and do the whole nine. Thats why she went for him, stable guy, money, job, kids, nice, had what she wanted. But as I mentioned she has money, job, stability, etc. and so her plan backfired.

 

To the poster who said I put her on a pedestal. You are correct, i certainly did. Thats how I treat my women but it comes with some naivety i guess. And to the other person talking about her holding breadwinning above my head, yes again, right again. She makes enough though that me working would just mess up the tax bracket if I did work (and we were married). If we had a child I would be the one involved and possibly supplement with family and/or a nanny of some sort. Me being the breadwinner or making a substantial amount of money just wasnt in the plans and because of that, and the failure of the plans, i am now highly vulnerable. I dont know how to change this but I really need to.

 

She is genuinely sorry, apologetic, and mostly patient. But she is loaded with drama, her family doesnt care for me, she listens to her family, and her character is flawed to allow this to happen. That is the bottom line. I am taking defensive and evasive action where possible to secure myself against her should it go south. She frankly has better coping mechanisms than I do and being a male, there is less sympathy for this entire ordeal because SOMEHOW, i caused the cheating and near miscarriage last night because i was angry or whatever else. Gosh, the hatred is real, especially now that my (potential) son is involved....I feel like they are all wolves.

 

She said she realized she loved me more than anything when i found out and immediately ended it, which is theoretically true. She also did kind of want to end us around the time this started up, which i know to be true now. She also didnt let him do oral on her and didnt do it on him so that to me is one thing we still have because of the intimacy in it and he never gave her an orgasm, which i guess is also a small win.

 

I am displeased she could not communicate this stuff to me BEFORE crossing the point of no return, I mean she could have sat down and said we need to go to counseling because i discovered feelings for this man, etc, etc. She didnt do that and I hate that fact because i do believe she realized at some point she had messed up, didnt know how to come back, and was feeling depressed about it. I mean she could have dumped me outright and never told me why, or made up an excuse. But she did come back and she didnt need to except perhaps if she thought the child was mine; she denies this.

 

She also curiously said that even though she isnt into this guy, he would try to be with him if it was his child as a "sacrifice." That put me off. . So you dont like him but you would sacrifice (what and for who???) and be with him? I guess for stability to raise the child?

 

She says she wants to move away from where we live, change jobs, raise our son (if its mine), and really be everything we could have been before. And this is where I say we are better than we were, because our dialogue is better and we share more and she has no guilt anymore because the secrets are known. So it is this strange dimension of total happiness and total depression, simultaneously tugging at my soul.

 

So many questions still in my mind and things i am not comfortable with and we havent been to counseling because I am away in a safe place from her.

 

How do you guys deal with the thought of a man with your woman, especially if the climax was within her. That, for some reason, just makes me crazy!!! Like what was mine was stolen.