Young couple corrupted through cheating, Need ...

[PJcheats]

Hi all...

 

Here is our back story: I am 24 years old, she is 20 years old. We are about two years and a half into our marriage. We both work retail 40 hr week jobs currently, and I go to school. As you can imagine, our relationship has had some hard times with the amount of work we are putting into our lives. One thing to note is that we both are non-drinkers, non-smokers, so this is key for the story.

 

This brings me to the problem: Roughly 6 months ago, she started to have serious problems. She needed comfort, mental or emotional comfort. With me stressing through work 45+ hours a week and school I was not always able to be there for her. At last, she gave into temptation. She found a guy at work who took her out for drinks (she actually got drunk with him... something she's never done in front of me) and as you may have guessed.. ****ed him. She had an emotional and physical affair for the past 5 months. She told me that he said he was 'in love with her' about 4 weeks ago.

 

She told me all this this past week. I completely am in shock and torment. My stomach is completely twisted, it's hard to breathe at times, it's all thats been on my mind. I DONT know what to do or how to proceed. I have trouble talking to anyone about it because I have no one and I don't want to talk about it to work mates.

 

I've talked to her many times, I've threatened to kick her out/leave her, I've told her as far as im concerned we are currently over, and that unless she makes some drastic changes we will be officially over. I told her she needs to earn everything back... but I dont know if that will even work.

 

She claims shes ****ed this guy 7 times while drinking with him at his house. I don't know if I can get over this.

 

When I asked her what the situation was right now she claims that they don't really talk at the moment and it's kinda 'not a big deal.' I flipped out, asking her what the **** was her plan when she confessed all this, asking her what she is going to do with this guy that she now brought into my life. She didn't have an answer.

 

I had to spell it out for her.

 

Told her I did not want this guy a part of her or my life ever again. I told her to eliminate contact with him. So far, she's been slow to do it in my eyes. I DONT like how she has responded to the problems and my questions. She responds what seems to be truthful answers, but half ass answers.

 

I don't want to leave her and kick her.. truth be told. I honestly need her to learn her lesson and change, which she hasn't been able to do for the past year.

 

I feel that she has been blaming me the entire time of the affair, saying I haven't been here for her while I work for a roof over the top of our heads and pay for her f***ing another guy...

 

The good news is that she has made some minor changes in the past two days. Visibly, I can see she is somewhat remorseful at least. She claims to want to change, she claims to love me, she claims that she will end all connections and allow me to enter her social life. She has cleaned the house finally, done dishes, set me up with a few surprise breakfasts.

 

Im torn. I can easily end this tonight by telling her I don't ever want to see her again. I would almost feel good doing this. Feel good that its off my plate and done with, and just... move on...

 

But, that's not what my heart wants. My heart wants her, i love her, and I want her to change and be honest and just... learn...

 

I want to believe that it was the drinks combined with the anti-depressants that she had been taking during those months that contributed to her downfall and not the fact that she needed another man.

 

I know that I will heal immediately faster if I ended our relationship, but I worry about ending it too soon without really fighting.

 

 

It hurts so much, more than I've ever been hurt and I am not sure how to proceed, whats your suggestion??

[TiredFamilyGuy]

It is not too late for your self respect. Leave and do not look back.

[Coolit]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. And yes the cheating is all on her. But anti depressants and alcohal don't mix. She needs some serious help.

 

You can't change her. Only she can. Read around here and see the signs of a remorseful spouse. Listen to advice offered.

 

But leaving won't mean you will be better. It might be the choice you need to make but in reality, it will still hurt. That is why youvare a victim. Nothing can change what has happened.

 

I would get into a good individual counsellor who specializes in ptsd.

[PJcheats]

Counseling for me is not an option. I am mentally strong and will be able to take whatever decision that I decide over a few months. The problem is making the decision and making sure she understands how bad I've been hurt by this.

 

TiredFamilyGuy, I must say, your advice is strong. Half of me is telling me that this is the only option and that I need to go through with that....

 

But is there really no hope? :/

[atreides]

She told me that he said he was 'in love with her' about 4 weeks ago.

 

Translation, she is in love with him.

 

She told me all this this past week.

 

Because she wants out and to live the "short-lived" fantasy of being with the OM.

 

I've talked to her many times, I've threatened to kick her out

 

Do so, not the latter where you stated you would leave, she leaves. She already has really.

 

She didn't have an answer.

 

Because she is on the high of the OM.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't want to leave her and kick her.. truth be told. I honestly need her to learn her lesson and change

 

You cant make her learn anything, she needs to do that on her own, but don't waste your time waiting... move on.. please before you have kids or even larger assets to worry about.

 

I feel that she has been blaming me the entire time of the affair, saying I haven't been here for her while I work for a roof over the top of our heads and pay for her f***ing another guy...

 

Yep, it sucks but move on.

 

The good news is that she has made some minor changes in the past two days. Visibly, I can see she is somewhat remorseful at least. She claims to want to change, she claims to love me, she claims that she will end all connections and allow me to enter her social life. She has cleaned the house finally, done dishes, set me up with a few surprise breakfasts.

 

Until she goes for the 8th time with the OM.

 

 

I know that I will heal immediately faster if I ended our relationship, but I worry about ending it too soon without really fighting.

 

 

Done, you already know your answer, you just want to teach her a lesson, again.. you can't do that and she will just manipulate you and you will waste time with frustration. That's the closure you want, but it's better to let go now.

[Grumpybutfun]

PJcheats:

No one can tell you what you need to do in a situation like this. While leaving is reactionary, it is understandable that you need closure and to see if this marriage can be salvaged. It is prudent to take into account that many people here honestly want to help you, but may be unwittingly projecting their own pain and anger at their unfaithful partner to be able to do so objectively.

I would only point out a couple of things that stands out to me. I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge) yet I know that a part of healing would be that my partner had to be devastated by their betrayal and would do whatever it took to rectify the situation. Your wife sounds kinda sorta sorry and isn't jumping through whatever hoops you need her to undo some of the sting of her betrayal. In other words, if I put myself in her shoes and I wanted to keep you in my life and wanted a healthy, happy lifetime partnership, I would make a plan to figure out the alcohol and hormones right away. You say she is 20 years old, so I have to wonder if she didn't get to "sow" her wild oats before marrying you so she is now doing her teenage, young adult partying now. Also, life has lots of challenges that are way more harrowing than a hormonal issue and a lack of companionship, so is she being immature when she runs to the first man who pays her attention to assuage her discomfort at not being the center of your universe? I know, 20 years old is very young, but marriage isn't for children and if she was mature enough to promise fidelity and forever, she should be mature enough to keep her promises. Excuses are just excuses for momentary pleasure. Values and commitment are forever.

The other thing that stood out to me was that you need her to learn her lesson...well, the lesson, even if learned, was paid at a very high cost. One, you may never be able to trust her again, and two, you are going to require a spouse, a partner for life, not another child you have to teach lessons to or parent. Just a thought for you to ruminate on.

You did nothing wrong so you don't really have to fight for this relationship...the ball is in her court, so to speak. If she can get her act together and go to counseling for emotional/hormonal issues and alcohol bingeing, completely be transparent with all of her contact with the outside world, give up the boyfriend, give you reasons other than "I was lonely because of you being at fault", then you may have a chance. If she cannot do anything but blame you for her actions (your inactions do not have any bearing on her reactions if you are not apprised of the pain she feels) and she continues to evade your questions and does not beg you for forgiveness with contrition and a plan of action for healing your marriage, then you can leave without feeling anything other than joy that you dodged a bullet of staying with someone who isn't as invested in your marriage as you are.

As men, we want to "fix" things. We want them to learn their lessons and never hurt us again. Yet, this isn't about you having to fix anything or to teach her anything. This is about what she is willing to do and what she is willing to be vulnerable about in order to show you that she wants what you want...a marriage built on trust and fidelity. If she shows the least bit of resistance to counseling (which she needs desperately) or tries to continue to blame this on you, alcohol, hormones, the job you have to work in order for her to live comfortably, then you need to understand that she is a cheater and you need to move on or be repeatedly hurt.

Good Luck,

Grumps

Edited September 18, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Alcohol had to do with it one time (maybe). The other six were a conscious decision to go to his house and have sex.

 

You sound a little delusional when you talk about getting her to change. You can't change her. You can't make her change. You are in for a long, tough road with a big disappointment at the end if you are going to think this way. This is what I call "magical" thinking. "I used to love her the way she was, I wish she would just go back to being that way." Or "I wish we could just act like nothing happened." Sorry, people change. They very rarely change back.

This is part of her life, part of her experience, and she doesn't seem all too broke up about it.

 

Wow, she cleaned the house, did the dishes, cooked you breakfast. Either she really is sorry and loves you a lot, or she still needs a place to sleep.

 

You know, both of you working and you going to school on top of that may sound like a lot to you, and maybe for your age and your background it is, but trust me once kids come along, parents' health starts to have problems, you or she or kids have health problems, you lose a job, etc., this time of your life will seem like a picnic. There is no great stress that made her cheat. So what you work long hours. You come home every night. She knows why you are doing it.

 

She had the affair because she wanted to. Even if you give her the first time as a mistake, which I don't, she still carried this on for at least five months and seven times.

 

The guy didn't start saying he loved her without getting a lot of encouragement from her. She had a full out emotional, romantic, sexual relationship with this guy - on BOTH of their ends. She loves him, too. She loves you but is not "in love" with you. Ask her.

 

If she wanted to keep you, she would have broken it off with this guy before she even told you about it.

 

Why did she tell you? Personally, I think she's conflicted about whether to stay with you or go with him. I wouldn't try to apply logic to any of her actions right now.

 

From my point of view, you are young, you have a bright future, and she is not worth the trouble. You always will remember her cheating, it will never go away, though it could fade IF she is remorseful. If I were in your shoes, I'd just divorce her and move on and be thankful it happened while you had no kids and no major assets to divide up.

 

If you are going to consider staying with her, she would have to show you that she really wants it, like quitting her job immediately, cutting off all contact immediately, deleting her facebook and email, giving up her cell phone, at least for a few months until you feel safe and re-build some trust.

 

What is she doing now to make you trust her?

[NotCamelot]

2 1/2 years she does this.....then she blames it on meds and alcohol......hmmmm.

 

While it's true that the stuff lowers inhibitions and messes with judgement.....your biggest problem is that she went out with him at all---BEFORE she got alcohol into her system!!!! That is where it was her judgement and decision making that was WRONG. She knew at that point, before the alcohol, that what she was doing was cheating....she actively knew that.

 

Until she accepts that she knew what she was doing, admits it, and makes up for that, you can't have a truly regretful and remorseful partner there.

 

I am very sorry for what you are going through. You are in a place where most of us have felt the same feelings you currently are......and it does indeed suck. Lots of advice here - listen closely.

 

You cannot be a doormat. If you do, you give her the freedom to do it again.

 

It ain't easy. But, don't let her off the hook becuase of her excuse. She willfully and knowingly went out with someone who was not her spouse and she knew damn well where it could/would lead.

 

You both need counseling if you are to work it out.

 

But, after what I've been through, I think if I were your age, I'd get out. Find someone who knew how to behave.

 

You have a long life ahead of you, most likely 40+ more years. AND, you will NEVER forget what whe did.

Edited September 18, 2013 by NotCamelot

[Chi townD]

One time might be a drunken mistake. Seven times is a choice. She chose to sleep with him. And the fact that she's trying to write it off as "No big deal" is a slap in the face to you.

 

 

Sorry dude, she's not remorseful. She just wants her extracurricular activities to end and go back to the status quo.

[2sunny]

One time might be a drunken mistake. Seven times is a choice. She chose to sleep with him. And the fact that she's trying to write it off as "No big deal" is a slap in the face to you.

 

 

Sorry dude, she's not remorseful. She just wants her extracurricular activities to end and go back to the status quo.

 

This^^^

 

Cleaning the house and making you breakfast is her manipulation - in hopes that you'll overlook her bad behavior.

 

She cheated because SHE is broken - that isn't for you to fix.

 

Unless SHE gets counseling and finds out what is broken/damaged deep inside her soul - and does the hard work to repair her broken self - there's nothing to consider - as her broken self will cheat again when "you're not paying her enough attention" (her excuse makes me want to throw up).

 

She made decisions to hurt you - she may have to live with the consequences of you thinking this isn't enough for a happy marriage.

 

IF you decide to stay - counseling and immediately quitting the job is in order - to begin earning your trust back. If she's working around him, seeing him at all or communicating with him at all - she doesn't intend to focus healing energy on rebuilding the marriage.

 

Lay down your boundaries - see IF she's willing to repair the damage SHE has caused.

[Jonah]

You have to close the door, but do it with kindness, knowing that she is one sick girl. If you want could have the heart to open the door again for her, you could tell her that you will be open to talking with her after she cleans herself up, gets well, has the OM completely out of her life. But you must cut all contact with her for a while. You can't help her in this current mode. Your absence will open her eyes... she either self destruct or she will get better. If she gets better and comes back your way she may be worth something to you. Have compassion.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Some great comments here particularly from Grumpy Mickey and NotCamelot.

 

You have the clearest of possible signals that you cannot trust her, particularly as there are rationalizations after the fact: "sounds kinda sorta sorry" is it?

 

You want her to "learn her lesson". She will, and if you leave, it will be the right lesson. If you stay, the wrong one.

 

Not to be done lightly - but you are so young, and there are no kids - I'd say it really is a no-brainer. Leave!

[Darren Steez]

Counseling for me is not an option. I am mentally strong and will be able to take whatever decision that I decide over a few months. The problem is making the decision and making sure she understands how bad I've been hurt by this.

 

TiredFamilyGuy, I must say, your advice is strong. Half of me is telling me that this is the only option and that I need to go through with that....

 

But is there really no hope? :/

 

This directly contradicts your actions. You wanted to tell her to leave, you told her you were effectively over but you were clearly not.

You have no intention of kicking her out or ending it.

 

So in addition to this woman totally countermanding your value system, there are zero consequences initiated by you besides some very weak talk.

 

You're asking rhetorical questions like "is there any hope?" Hope is for the fairies, what you hope for and what is reality are two different things.

 

You think you're mentally strong, but your post suggests otherwise. p.s Your partner is in charge, not you.

[aliveagain]

In the end it is your decision but when infidelity happens this early in a marriage the chances of it making it are very slim. Just under 20% of your marriage she's been emotionally involved and banging another guy, time she freely gave of her own will to a predator. If she's cheating on you while your still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, what's she going to do to you in year twelve when the excitement has cooled down? You have no children with her, there will never be a easier or cheaper time to end it. Be very careful, don't have unprotected sex with her, not just because of STD's but it happens often that a wayward wife will become pregnant to keep a betrayed spouse from leaving. Get tested immediately(both of you), tell your doctor why so he knows what STD's to test for. The humiliation she will feel will act as a future deterrent. Expose the Other Man if he is in a relationship, his spouse needs to know what he is really up to. If they work together that ends now, she will have to quit her job immediately. Help her write a no contact letter to O/M and send it to him. If she refuses any of these things, waste no more time, kick her ass out, tell her family to come and get her and tell them all why. The affaire has nothing to do with you, she is broken and needs professional help. You need to decide if you want to stick around for the 2-5 years it typically takes to get over an affair.

 

Whatever number she told you she slept with him, double it. They lie to minimize and they lie about using protection.

Edited September 18, 2013 by aliveagain

[Bryanp]

She seems clearly very immature. She admits at the very least going over to his home and having sex with him at least 7 different times putting your health at risk for STD's. They may have been times that you were intimate with her after she has been with him. She then tells you its no big deal?

 

Get tested for STD's

See a lawyer.

 

If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have thought it was no big deal. Clearly she has very little respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[ChooseTruth]

You married an 18yr old? or even 17?

 

I wouldn't have children with someone who cheated. You are young, lots of time left to find someone else.

 

I think other people have said some good things, I just wanted to add that little bit.

[PJcheats]

Everyone,

 

Your words of advice hit home with me. Set me on the right track. More talks are to come with me and the 'wife.' I plan to continue searching her true motives and having a harder stance.

 

I'm not sure how I am going to do it... but I need to find a way to divorce/kick her out.

 

Strength...

Thanks.

[PJcheats]

What is she doing now to make you trust her?

 

I posed this question to her last night. I told her she needed to make drastic changes immediately.

 

So far, I've not seen major developments, but it's early Tonight will be our first night where we are together for a few hours (conflicting work schedules). We will see how our chats/actions develop.

[PJcheats]

Grumps -- I wanted to especially shout out you for your comments. However so, they managed to brighten up my mood (ever slightly) and allow me to think more clearly.

 

Really, all of you have.

[PJcheats]

Guys...

 

I know a lot has been said to leave her immediately and start fresh. This line of thought has all the cards right now. It is the factual, logical thing to do.

 

But what is the other possibility? Let's make no mistakes about it, it's clear in my words here that I... really want her. I know that this is going directly against facts/logic which is why my stomach has been churning for the past few days. But what is the steps towards success? What if she were to come home to me today telling me how remorseful she is, and how she has finally ended contact with him. Is that the start I am looking for?

 

I am so messed up because I don't even know the steps I am looking for... the idea of kicking her out becomes more and more obvious each time. I am tormented.

 

Should I have her quit her job? Even tho if we were to stick together the financial burden on us would be difficult, but manageable?

 

Should I have her shut away her cell phone, even tho she may need it for her current job?

 

What happens when I shut off her cell phone, delete facebook, make her quit her job and end all her contact with people? Isn't this a recipe for disaster for her? She will go insane. But if it doesn't happen, will I go insane???

 

It is correct that I am ****ed up for the past few days. All I can think about our shattered memories, wondering what percentage of her words are true and what to believe. Obviously, the part of me that wants to give her the benefit of the doubt see's her when she cries and tells me that she wants me and is in love with me, but the logical part of me (which is a big portion of me, I am 95% logic based and 5% emotion) tells me that is impossible.

 

 

Edit: Another note.

 

In my posts here we've seen the person that I've described as a child, immature, bratty, spoiled, delusional and filled with problems. This is a true side of her.

 

But, she is capable of being a good person. No one has giving me the care she gave me or love. Her dreams involve having kids, having her own recycling business, the type of 'saving the world' mentality that she has had in the past. It is almost as if there is two completely different sides of the coin -- a depressed young child looking for the teen party style and attention and then the other side being a good, caring & loving women. Obviously, I was in love with the latter, but does this change any opinions on the matter?

 

Does the fact that she is capable of being someone like that mean anything? That is what I am holding on to. I feel if she can learn from this, see her pain, she can be set on the right track and something positive can be made out of it. Together we are powerful, a lone we are just a tiny force to be reckoned with in the world...

Edited September 18, 2013 by PJcheats

[Coolit]

You married an 18yr old? or even 17?

 

I wouldn't have children with someone who cheated. You are young, lots of time left to find someone else.

 

I think other people have said some good things, I just wanted to add that little bit.

 

I just reread it an saw the age too. So young. When people used to marry that young they were already working hard in the home with lots of responsibilities. And women were groomed to be married because that was what was done. The modern teen is usually not ready to step into a lifelong commitment.

[ChooseTruth]

Guys...

 

I know a lot has been said to leave her immediately and start fresh. This line of thought has all the cards right now. It is the factual, logical thing to do.

 

But what is the other possibility? Let's make no mistakes about it, it's clear in my words here that I... really want her. I know that this is going directly against facts/logic which is why my stomach has been churning for the past few days. But what is the steps towards success? What if she were to come home to me today telling me how remorseful she is, and how she has finally ended contact with him. Is that the start I am looking for?

 

I am so messed up because I don't even know the steps I am looking for... the idea of kicking her out becomes more and more obvious each time. I am tormented.

 

Should I have her quit her job? Even tho if we were to stick together the financial burden on us would be difficult, but manageable?

 

Should I have her shut away her cell phone, even tho she may need it for her current job?

 

What happens when I shut off her cell phone, delete facebook, make her quit her job and end all her contact with people? Isn't this a recipe for disaster for her? She will go insane. But if it doesn't happen, will I go insane???

 

It is correct that I am ****ed up for the past few days. All I can think about our shattered memories, wondering what percentage of her words are true and what to believe. Obviously, the part of me that wants to give her the benefit of the doubt see's her when she cries and tells me that she wants me and is in love with me, but the logical part of me (which is a big portion of me, I am 95% logic based and 5% emotion) tells me that is impossible.

 

 

Edit: Another note.

 

In my posts here we've seen the person that I've described as a child, immature, bratty, spoiled, delusional and filled with problems. This is a true side of her.

 

But, she is capable of being a good person. No one has giving me the care she gave me or love. Her dreams involve having kids, having her own recycling business, the type of 'saving the world' mentality that she has had in the past. It is almost as if there is two completely different sides of the coin -- a depressed young child looking for the teen party style and attention and then the other side being a good, caring & loving women. Obviously, I was in love with the latter, but does this change any opinions on the matter?

 

Does the fact that she is capable of being someone like that mean anything? That is what I am holding on to. I feel if she can learn from this, see her pain, she can be set on the right track and something positive can be made out of it. Together we are powerful, a lone we are just a tiny force to be reckoned with in the world...

I totally get it. You are in hellish unbelievable crippling pain. I've been there. It truly sucks and is not easy to get through. Two different times I took a full week off from work just to deal with my insanity and unending tears and pain. This isn't what you expected and cannot accept this happening.

 

The thing is I got married at the same age you did. I had much much less warning. She never cheated on me before marriage, or even in the first 6 years. Now I'm paying alimony and child support to an unfaithful exwife and we share custody of an 11 yr old girl. Find someone else you have better chances with. Infidelity is a real thing that happens all the time and it destroys families. This is serious business. You don't want to ignore the signs. It's not too late.

 

But yes take time and get through your grief. Take care of yourself. Go work out at the gym. Or I could give the unconventional and corrupt advice my manager gave me, go eat a really big sundae, it'll make you feel sooo good. lol. I've worked out a lot to get through this, but I do admit to gorging on some good old ice cream during the worst bouts of grief during that initial week I took off from work.

[aliveagain]

Just a question, how did you discover her 5 month affair? Did she confess or did you find out? If she confessed, why did she confess, was she about to be outed? What did she tell you about using protection?

[bubbaganoosh]

I think what you should do is re read your thread at the beginning and you may find your answer.

 

First she had an affair that lasted five months and had sex with another man seven times and then has the audacity to say "It's not a big deal" and doesn't seem to have the willingness to put a honest effort into at least trying to repair the damaged she caused.

 

When you told her to end it and now, she really hasn't put forth any effort to tell the OM that it's over.

 

She cleaned the house finally and did the dishes. Now I don't know what part of the world where your from, but I think if you ask anyone if that is a effort to make up for screwing another guy seven time and being in an affair for five months, I think they would tell you that these sort of things she's doing is what most people do in their day to day lives and their not having affairs or screwing another person. It's half a$$.

 

She doesn't seem to have any guilt or remorse for what she has done not unless you call putting the dishes away.

 

Here's a biggie. She has a serious problem mixing alcohol and medication. She will need help but you can't twist her arm. She has to do it on her own with your backing.

 

When you told her that she needs to earn your trust back, your right with that but you can't force her to do it. She has to want to do it on her own. If she loves you then she will but you have to understand there is no guarantee that she will or if she will do this again.

 

Basically this. Take a very hard look at her and only you can make the choice. With what she has done and looking at the way that she is reluctant to make any positive steps to show remorse should tell you if this is worth saving. When you look at her, look from the neck up and keep you eyes there. Leave the intimate part of your marriage out of it because it will take you off track. Sex with her is not going to be a cure all. When you finally take a hard look, ask yourself if you would want to be in a marriage where your always looking over your shoulder wondering if she is where she says she is. Doing what she says she's doing. Is with who she says she's with. I feel bad for you friend and you have a lot on your plate but you just might not be able to fix what is unfixable. You deserve a better life so think hard and I wish you the best, as all of us do.

[PJcheats]

Once again, Thanks guys. Here's some responses that I have and some new information from our current talk that happened over the past hour.

 

Just a question, how did you discover her 5 month affair? Did she confess or did you find out? If she confessed, why did she confess, was she about to be outed? What did she tell you about using protection?

 

She confessed to me. There were many signs of it that I was too gullible to understand prior, but she confesses. She felt guilty, I think. She claimed she used protection however she had gotten checked for STD's and the like and has none. Thankfully.

 

Basically this. Take a very hard look at her and only you can make the choice. With what she has done and looking at the way that she is reluctant to make any positive steps to show remorse should tell you if this is worth saving. When you look at her, look from the neck up and keep you eyes there. Leave the intimate part of your marriage out of it because it will take you off track. Sex with her is not going to be a cure all. When you finally take a hard look, ask yourself if you would want to be in a marriage where your always looking over your shoulder wondering if she is where she says she is. Doing what she says she's doing. Is with who she says she's with. I feel bad for you friend and you have a lot on your plate but you just might not be able to fix what is unfixable. You deserve a better life so think hard and I wish you the best, as all of us do.

 

Understood. Thanks for the words.

 

 

Guys, over the past hour I've had a really compelling conversation with her. I finall felt the remorse from her. She called the other guy in front of me and told him that it was over/not going to see each other anymore/no longer friends. The other guy was, to be honest, quite nonchalant about it like 'whatever.' This made me feel comfortable knowing that it seems like he doesnt really care all too much. Player.. I guess.

 

We had a great conversation about what had truly happened, drinking...she gave into temptation... she was upset with our relationship and how lonely she was. And I do understand this -- we have no one, there's no family for either of us, no friends for either of us. And I was consumed with work and missed her birthdays/anniversary. I understand her point of being lonely, but of course this is no excuse and I made sure to tell her that.

 

She cried and cried, and I let out many emotions. I am not sure how how it will be possible to get over the fact that she ****ed a guy 7 times and im supposed to be sexual with her in the future. OR how I can possibly trust her again. These things have hurt our relationship for the next 5-10+ years.

 

BUT I think I can finally confirm that she DOES indeed want to change and DOES love me and want me back. I dont know.. maybe I am a gullible sucker, but... from this past conversation, things are breaking loose... I finally want to help her. I want to be her teammate...

 

I still dont know how to approach the work situation, it's kinda... messed up, I'd rather her transfer to a different store and just start fresh... but we will see what comes up in the next days.

 

Regardless of what happens, you guys have played a more important role than you know. I've been able to ask her questions based off your feedback and the questions have streamlined this process forward.