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husband contacted his ex again


purplesoul

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for those that want the full story, please read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421891-im-falling-apart .

 

the short version is essentially, ive been married around 2 years,last year has been very hard, i went thro depression and sex life suffered. anyway, during this period, previously 'moral' husband contacted ex (i knew), but he continued to see her in secret( EA). after all this, we reconciled, he swore he never would. apparently it was residual bla bla. naturally it's hard to trust but we were working on it and that was that.

 

SOOOOOOOOO..today, my friend contacts me and says she saw my husband at a hospital. bear in mind, i knew she was in hopstial, as i have her on whatsapp and it was her status. however, he swore up and down, he delelted her number.

 

PLEASE bear in mind through all this i have of course asked for so much validation and chats from him which were perhaps wearing him down. anyway, i called him and said where u in hosptial. and he confessed and said yes, i went to drop off chocolate for 'the ex' because she was in hosptial.

 

I LOST IT. i started shouting and said how dare u lie to me, eseentially hysterical. he got defensive, said he wasn't lying, that she's human and he saw her status on whatsapp after 'readding her number as he was curious'. f**k this. we made a promise to be transparent from now on...

 

now, he's msging me saying he's sorry he hurt me, but she's human after all, and he just dropped chocolate bla bla bla. my thing is WHY get in contact or even do that when she has her OWN boyfriend, and friends and family?1 they havent even been part of eachother's life for 6 yrs....

 

i naturally flipped. he cant understand why im upset and is very defensive and says he cant live with me breathing down his neck and its suffocating and that he's sorry he hurt me but he felt chocolate were the right thing to do...

 

i dont know what to do. the usual me would be crazy dialing him now. but im not. i dont know. my heart hurts. help

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Your H shouldn't be "curious", at least not to the point of Adding her Back to "check her out".

I'm sorry you are hurting but this will NEVER heal unless You leave and / or Your H Never "omits", lies, sneaks around again.

 

Second chances are a show of Grace. Third chances or four or five... are a show of, well, that he's Not going to change and you are willing to put up w/it. :(

 

ExOW is human, but she should have Absolutely Nothing to do w/Your H. Ever.

 

Then there's the fact that He is putting His actions Onto You!! That's bull! :mad:

If he can't stand you "breathing dwn his neck" and filled w/mistrust, He shouldn't have cheated (ea or pa).

 

And by the way, Rome was not built in a day and trust is the same way. It can take years to re build, especially After an A.

 

Since you are still young in the M, is it worth all of this w/him?

 

What are you going to do?

 

I'm praying some peace on you today*

CIH

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thank you so much.

i dont know what i;m going to do.

 

i can't stay here with him. i dont want to cry anymore. it's all i seem to do. a part of me just wants to go away and take myself somewhere else for a few days to clear my mind. i'm actually on the flight website haha.

 

i'm in such pain. i love him so much. i can't imagine loosing him...I don't think he imagines i'll ever leave. he jsut calls me hysterical and im 'so emotional'......

 

i havent spoken to him in several hours...he'll be home soon.

 

i don't know what to do..

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Want to save your marriage?

 

Pack his things and tell him to go to the other woman. See an attorney and file for divorce. If you decide that you see true remorse, you can always halt the proceedings. If not, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

It's apparent that out of the two women in your husband's life, you come second. Is that ok with you?

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i just booked a trip for myself for 5 days. i need space to think. i can't live like this anymore. everything has an excuse. so what if she's in hospital, he claims they didn't speak:/ and he only dropped chocolate off. bulls*it. i don't have evergy to think or even cry. i booked my ticket and hotel with my hands shaking as i cant take this.

 

i'm so scared though. maybe it makes me weak but i can't imagine i may have to leave him? he makes it seem like it's just him being 'courteous'

 

i want him to know that i wont always be home crying cause of this. i don't have a job so am reliant on him too, but that doesn't matter. i want to take this trip alone to make myself stronger and really think, do i deserve this?

 

i do i make him see how it's HIS FAULT?1 not mine. not because im emotional.

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You have every right to think and feel everything that you are. Always trust your gut. He needs to know that you are not going to be a doormat. I made that mistake for way too long. My xwh had an A with an exgf who was actually a part of our lives. I was dumb and naïve for a long time. After the A was found out we tried for a while to R. The trust was gone even though I know they stopped seeing each other. I actually got to the point that I didn't care anymore if it was still going on or not. I let it consume to much of my life and so did she. She spent years playing games with me trying to get me to think the A was still going on. Half of the time she insinuated they talked or were together he was actually with me. My point is just trust your gut, know that what you are feeling is normal, and stand your ground. Take the time away and decide what you will and won't put up with. Best of luck to you

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Once a cheater...

Twice a cheater...

How many times are you going to take him back?

He has no respect for you or your marriage.

Divorce. Now.

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he's not home from work yet and we haven't spoken in the past few hours.

 

he keeps telling me it's nothing, that i'm over-reacting. that it's because of MY over-reaction he didn't tell me he was going to get her chocolate BUT YES, he would have told me when he got home. he says that it was nothing, he was just concerned. that's it. he's sorry he hurt me but giving her chocolates was the 'right thing' to do.

 

god. i don't know where to look or face or who to talk to or anything.

 

i'm so scared. i don't want our marriage to end. but what is this?! am i over-reacting? i was hytserical on the phone but it's all because he is LYING to me, he says he isn;t...he said it's only because she's in hospital.

 

my heart is in so much pain. i dont know at all what i can do. i've never even traveled alone before but i'm going tomorrow

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You ARE NOT over reacting. Who cares why he brought her chocolate, the point is he did it knowing full well that you don't like their relationship. EA or PA it bothers you and shouldn't be going on anymore. He needs to understand that and have NC with her or you are always going to feel like this.

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it's not that he dropped off chocolates.....IT is that he intended to keep it secret from you that is the betrayal.

 

And then he minimized your pain by calling you emotional and defended himself as courteous only.

 

That's a whole bunch of bull crap. he knew how much this has hurt you, and still he has continued lying and sneaking to see her.

 

he is still having his side of an emotional affair and he intends to keep secrets from you. that's very bad.

 

You cannot have a truly intimate relationship with someone who does not put your feelings first and who keeps secrets from you.

 

time to get away, wish them well and stop talking about it with him. Time to tell trusted others that my H will NOT stop talking to his old gf even though I have told him how much it hurts me for him to do so. He even brought her chocolates in the hospital without telling me he did so.

 

You are the hurt and grieving wife. Stop competing with the fantasy of her. You cannot win.

 

read up on the 180. start executing it. Stay calm, but firm. either he ends all contact with her and re-commits to the marriage, or the marriage must end because YOU deserve a man who talks to you kindly all day long.

 

Good luck.

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:( He shouldn't be doing that. You're not crazy. Unfortunately BetrayedH is probably right...and that's a really hard thing to face as a BS if you still want to work things out. I know, I totally didn't do that and ended up in a worse mess trying to "fix things" and control her.

 

You can't control him, the more you try the worse it gets. You have to be willing to walk away and mean it. For real. You don't need that. You don't need to have children with someone who will betray you later on down the line. It's a tragic mess.

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As Spark said, you need to read up on the 180 and start practicing it. I think this trip is a good time to get yourself transitioned. Your husband taking chocolates to an ex-girlfriend with whom he's already had an EA should not be acceptable to you. I also think you're being gaslighted.

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As a betraying partner who has been hoping for reconciliation but has not had the generosity that you gave your H, I can honestly say that my mind has never been curious about my AP. As soon as I decided to fight for my relationship (before my partner found out about the affair) I imposed a strict no contact policy with the AP. this was not at all hard.. In fact, it was an extreme relief to be so sure about and happy with my decision to be in my relationship 100%. I know that my AP took it very hard, and I felt bad for him, but for me there was no curiosity or desire for contact of any kind. Even after my partner found out about the affair and left me, I knew that I had no desire to reconnect with my AP... Not because he is bad, but because fighting for my relationship means leaving the past behind for good!

 

Each situation is different, but I know that if I had wondered about my AP after recommitting to my relationship that would have been a sign to me and to my partner that I wasn't ready to fight.

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This trip 'might' be the wake-up call that he needs. What I think you need to consider are much more serious ultimatums. But as ChooseTruth mentioned, you have to be willing to back them up. Sometimes seeing serious consequences will wake-up a wayward spouse. Sometimes they don't. You need to know what your dealbreakers are and what exactly you'll do if they aren't kept. Unfortunately, it's difficult to make these kinds of decisions when you're emotional. I also took a soft approach. It didn't work. This is a time to make decisions with your head, rather than your heart.

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thanks guys. you can't understand how much all this support means to me.

 

i leave tomorrow morning, it's scary but i know i need to do this.

 

i had a chance to read on 180, thus far i have no called or msged or anything. he called me asking when i was leaving and for how long ( i used our mutual credit card to buy ticket). i was normal on the phone and then said bye.

 

he's be coming home shortly, no doubt to 'talk' about it. but i just don't want to. i'm so tired and so so heart broken.

 

i don't know what to feel or think. i'm so scared that it could be over, that he won't care enough. he's so used to seeing me hysterical (when this happened before), i don't want to give him the pleasure of it again.

 

i think after reading all these messages that the problem also is he never had to 'face the consequences' of what he did. i was still running after him, asking for validation.

 

i want him to feel the pain of what he did to me. my sister thinks he has the inability to even recognise this is a big deal. i don't know. regardless, i don't want to go through my life with a man who cannot recognise boundaries.

 

i can't tell you how much this hurts( probably dont need to as most of you have been through this or something like it). i never EVER thought this would happen. i cant imagine life without him, but yet i cannot imagine living like this either. he needs to know the severity of what he did and i really want to.

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This trip 'might' be the wake-up call that he needs. What I think you need to consider are much more serious ultimatums. But as ChooseTruth mentioned, you have to be willing to back them up. Sometimes seeing serious consequences will wake-up a wayward spouse. Sometimes they don't. You need to know what your dealbreakers are and what exactly you'll do if they aren't kept. Unfortunately, it's difficult to make these kinds of decisions when you're emotional. I also took a soft approach. It didn't work. This is a time to make decisions with your head, rather than your heart.

 

that's what i did last time this happened even though he claims this was different as they didn't see eachother and it was out of 'concern'. i cant think with my heart anymore, and that's so painful. i'm scared to think with my head because what if after all this, he lets this go. i can't be scared of that. i deserve more.

 

he's so used to be being 'understanding' etc, all i did was cry. i cant anymore

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He already promised not to speak to her again - yet he has.

 

And your prior post shows you run away on vacation when you're angry.

 

It may be time to stay home this time and state how much his keeps hurting you - that you're unwilling to tolerate the contact he has with her - and that he needs to move today.

 

Running away isn't solving a thing. Stay and face the situation - and get some resolve based on your boundary he keeps disrespecting.

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One VERY good book to read is, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

 

If you read it, you'll be much better equipped to handle his nonsense arguments about this OW being no big deal. It's a huge deal and a big threat to your marriage.

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that's what i did last time this happened even though he claims this was different as they didn't see eachother and it was out of 'concern'. i cant think with my heart anymore, and that's so painful. i'm scared to think with my head because what if after all this, he lets this go. i can't be scared of that. i deserve more.

 

he's so used to be being 'understanding' etc, all i did was cry. i cant anymore

 

I disagree... His level of 'understanding' causes you pain and heartache - which is a crappy excuse.

 

He's chosen her over you - that's all I'd need to know. He risked 'understanding' for her - at the cost of losing you.

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He already promised not to speak to her again - yet he has.

 

And your prior post shows you run away on vacation when you're angry.

 

It may be time to stay home this time and state how much his keeps hurting you - that you're unwilling to tolerate the contact he has with her - and that he needs to move today.

 

Running away isn't solving a thing. Stay and face the situation - and get some resolve based on your boundary he keeps disrespecting.

 

hey sorry, it was a typo. what i did before is STAY at home and cry and beg and want to 'talk' it out. want explanations, follow him around.

 

this time i refuse to do that because thats what he expects. he thinks ill grovel, he thinks ill cry and be hysterical (which i was this morning)

 

he doesnt want to talk, at least this morning. he BLAMED me for being over dramatic, he said that he's sorry it hurt me but giving her chocolate was the 'right thing to do'

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hey sorry, it was a typo. what i did before is STAY at home and cry and beg and want to 'talk' it out. want explanations, follow him around.

 

this time i refuse to do that because thats what he expects. he thinks ill grovel, he thinks ill cry and be hysterical (which i was this morning)

 

he doesnt want to talk, at least this morning. he BLAMED me for being over dramatic, he said that he's sorry it hurt me but giving her chocolate was the 'right thing to do'

 

Giving her chocolates was the RIGHT thing to do?

 

Get on the phone with a divorce lawyer now. Its time to play hardball with your Husband as he is showing zero respect for you!

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hey sorry, it was a typo. what i did before is STAY at home and cry and beg and want to 'talk' it out. want explanations, follow him around.

 

this time i refuse to do that because thats what he expects. he thinks ill grovel, he thinks ill cry and be hysterical (which i was this morning)

 

he doesnt want to talk, at least this morning. he BLAMED me for being over dramatic, he said that he's sorry it hurt me but giving her chocolate was the 'right thing to do'

 

You know what cheaters do? They lie, deny, minimize, blameshift, gaslight, and lie some more. The pattern is so common that we say it's straight out of cheater's handbook.

 

My hope is that some distance from this will help give you some clarity. Educate yourself. Find the strength to not accept unacceptable behavior. Then come home and lay down your expectations with confidence and resolve.

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he just came walk, and walked into the guest bedroom. at this point, id generally be running around crying asking him why. i'm not doing that. i leave in 8 hours.

 

how should i be rest of evening if he talks to me? i don't want to discuss this, what's the point?

 

i'm so weak, and feel he has upper hand. what if he doesn't GET what he did was wrong?! i know SO pathetic to ask but im just so weak

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hey sorry, it was a typo. what i did before is STAY at home and cry and beg and want to 'talk' it out. want explanations, follow him around.

 

this time i refuse to do that because thats what he expects. he thinks ill grovel, he thinks ill cry and be hysterical (which i was this morning)

 

he doesnt want to talk, at least this morning. he BLAMED me for being over dramatic, he said that he's sorry it hurt me but giving her chocolate was the 'right thing to do'

 

Asking you if both you and he should drop off chocolates TOGETHER is the right thing to do. If and when you most likely said absolutely not, or you have got to be kidding me, should have ended it....IF he respected your feelings more than her admiration of him for being a nice and thoughtful guy. She should only know how upset you are at Mr. Courteous. Does she? Maybe call her too.

 

You are getting smarter.

 

When he comes home tell him you are going away to clear your head and remain unsure when you will return. Tickets can always be amended, right?

 

Tell him you deserve a man who is 100 percent invested emotionally into you, and while you have loved him (past tense), and wished it could be him...it doesn't have to be.

 

No MORE crying, screaming, begging. No contact with him while away. Have some fun fercryin'outloud!

 

Take yourself out of the triangle dynamic. As long as you are acting like the evil, nagging or needy, sobbing persecutor, her friendly, NO DEMANDS halo shines brighter and brighter.

 

 

You are right! This is NO WAY to live, so start living better, whether with him, or without him.

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