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Having a tough night


photogirl2006

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Just having a tough night. Don't understand how my husband slept with his ex girlfriend...just don't understand how he could do this to me. Just keep thinking about it and picturing what might have happened and I iwsh I was a drinker but I'm not . I'm boring and a loser and I iwsh I could make these thoughts just stop. My husband wants to make this up to me...keeps apologizing..says it happened once. I love him and want to make this work, but I can't get it out of my mind. It's like a nightmare because these are the exact nightmares I used to have...him cheating on me with her. :( I wish I could wake up and have this all be a horrible dream. I can be fine and normal with my husband part of the day and then get hit with it all at night and be a mess again. How do I keep it together. I found out on Aug. 3 after I discovered it. It hurts so bad. We are in counseling. I am in counseling and he is looking for a counselor of his own as well. I'm so emotionally exhausted.

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You are not alone. Many of us here have carried this same burden. We experienced the sleepless nights and severe weight loss. You will get past this.

 

I think the realization that helped me most was understanding that my spouse's affair was not about me. It was about her. Having an affair is illogical, unethical, destructive, and probably against your husband's own moral standards. You didn't get a vote. There is something broken within him. And he lied to hide it from you. Don't take responsibility for his choices. You were in the same marriage and didn't cheat. His cheating is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of him. Most often, the brokenness stems back to his childhood and family of origin. Some are severely conflict avoidant. Some have an excessive need for external validation. Others have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Most have a combination. Notice that none of that has anything to do with you or the marriage. If he hadn't cheated on you, he would likely have cheated on someone else.

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His is from his childhood and the validation is mainly it. I know I have a long road ahead. Some nights it just hits me hard. My birthday is in two days. I will be 36. I wanted another baby. I wanted to have done more with my life. Instead I am left with a cheating husband, but one who is remorseful, who has lied but who agreed yesterday to go to a counselor to learn why he has to lie and what is wrong with him and how to fix it. I also have an amazing six year old little boy who is the light of my life. I know there is good...sometimes the bad just overwhelms me.

 

Three weeks ago I would have sobbed for six hours straight. Tonight it was about an hour. I guess that is progress....

 

You are not alone. Many of us here have carried this same burden. We experienced the sleepless nights and severe weight loss. You will get past this.

 

I think the realization that helped me most was understanding that my spouse's affair was not about me. It was about her. Having an affair is illogical, unethical, destructive, and probably against your husband's own moral standards. You didn't get a vote. There is something broken within him. And he lied to hide it from you. Don't take responsibility for his choices. You were in the same marriage and didn't cheat. His cheating is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of him. Most often, the brokenness stems back to his childhood and family of origin. Some are severely conflict avoidant. Some have an excessive need for external validation. Others have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. Most have a combination. Notice that none of that has anything to do with you or the marriage. If he hadn't cheated on you, he would likely have cheated on someone else.

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The first days, weeks and months after a d-day are excruciating. The shock, the roller coaster of emotions that become overwhelming as you navigate through the answers you need.

 

Listen to your gut. Try to eat and drink. Lean on close family members for emotional support. Try to rest when you can.

 

Take it one day at a time.

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