How much do I want to know?

[photogirl2006]

I've asked my husband a lot about his affair, but what I can't bring myself to ask him about is the sex. He claims (bull****) that it was one time only but the affair itself, which involved text messages, calls and gifts for the woman and her children (please don't ask) went on 10 months. We are trying to reconcile and work through all this. Do I really want to know the details?

 

I've already been tested for STDS because she is a whore (no...really..she's slept with tons of men, which is one reason she and my husband broke up 15 years ago) so that isn't my concern. My concern is how did they get to that point. Did he suggest it...did she....how did this all happen?

 

I don't want to know....but yet I do. It makes me all sick.

 

My husband has been in a very bad place for over a year since losing his grandfather last year to cancer. his grandfather was essentially his father. He came from an abusive home, etc. I am so angry and sad and hurt by it all and he says to ask him whatever i want, but I really don't know if I want to ask hm about this because I think he may actually tell me..even though he's lied about so much else.

[Coolit]

I'd have to know a lot. But, personally I wouldn't have to know tiny details spelled out like reading erotica. I told my husband everything important but he didn't want any details (postions for instance) he took the whole... We got into bed and shagged as enough facts.

[photogirl2006]

I'd have to know a lot. But, personally I wouldn't have to know tiny details spelled out like reading erotica. I told my husband everything important but he didn't want any details (postions for instance) he took the whole... We got into bed and shagged as enough facts.

I want to know what led to it. Who suggested it. After 15 years of him and I being together and them not was it like "Hey, let's see if we still have something" or "let's do it again to pay our spouses back" (in my case I did nothing so I have no idea what the hell that would have been about) or ... what the hell was it? I am obsessed and it is ripping me apart. It is the main thing, besides some lies that he just confessed this week, that is keeping me from just moving forward and trying to save this.

[ChooseTruth]

Yup, for me figuring out those whs (who/why/when/where/how) it started was the biggest thing...and that's what she lied to me so much about. I had to snoop her facebook messages, and politely confront the OMM to get the real truth. You might want to know how often, where else, and who knows as well.

 

I read a lot that how much people want to know is an extremely personal thing. Some people may want a lot of detail, some may not. I'd say there's no right or wrong answer. What you need is what you need, and the more crucial thing is your WS gives you what you ask for without withholding. To me it's one of the most crucial parts of rebuilding trust. Most books\articles advise not to go overboard with useless detail that will only make you sick, it sounds like you are not wanting that much detail anyway.

[dichotomy]

I want to know what led to it. Who suggested it. After 15 years of him and I being together and them not was it like "Hey, let's see if we still have something" .

 

The following story was told to me by my therapist when I was trying to figure out why my ex-wife did the things she did - or sometimes why I did things in my life.

 

"Three guys are lost in the desert, they are thirsty, burning up, when suddenly they see a cactus. One of the guys smiles funny and runs up and throws himself on the cactus...and screams in agony. The other guys rush up and pull him off ...bloodied. They ask "why in the hell did you do that????!!!" and the guy says "I dunno – it seemed like a good idea at the time"

[Betterthanthis13]

My situation is different than yours but I wanted to know everything except sex details...mostly I wanted to know how someone could go do all of what my xbf was doing, say in an afternoon, and then come home and act normal.

 

Like, at what point after he left in the morning and we already had sex did he decide to contact someone? Or did they contact him? 10am? After lunch? When I called to say hi, how's your day going and find out where he wanted to go for dinner in the middle of his afternoon sexting with some nasty MOW, what was he thinking? When I looked at the phone logs, many times he was texting me or making calls to me in the middle of communicating with these women. How is that possible without having a stroke or heart attack from the stress? Things like that

 

I never got any real answers but I drove myself nuts with this for a long time. I hope you get the answers you are looking for

[RightThere]

Just be careful what you ask for. Knowing a lot of the details can help you make more sense about situations in the past where you thought something was funny, but couldn't figure out why.

 

But if you ask for too many details, the answer may make you feel worse instead of better.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've asked my husband a lot about his affair, but what I can't bring myself to ask him about is the sex. He claims (bull****) that it was one time only but the affair itself, which involved text messages, calls and gifts for the woman and her children (please don't ask) went on 10 months. We are trying to reconcile and work through all this. Do I really want to know the details?

 

I've already been tested for STDS because she is a whore (no...really..she's slept with tons of men, which is one reason she and my husband broke up 15 years ago) so that isn't my concern. My concern is how did they get to that point. Did he suggest it...did she....how did this all happen?

 

I don't want to know....but yet I do. It makes me all sick.

 

My husband has been in a very bad place for over a year since losing his grandfather last year to cancer. his grandfather was essentially his father. He came from an abusive home, etc. I am so angry and sad and hurt by it all and he says to ask him whatever i want, but I really don't know if I want to ask hm about this because I think he may actually tell me..even though he's lied about so much else.

 

 

 

Do we get to learn why this has become so important after fifteen years?

 

The kinds of sex they had back then probably can't even result in pregnancy today!

 

Or are you trying to say that the affair itself was both more recent, and was him getting back together with an ex?

 

 

Try to figure out what you think you want to know about the sex... and the answer to that will determine whether you should pursue it.

 

 

I think that the base of your interest lies in your sincerely wanting to give your all toward getting past this, in your relationship and that your over-dissecting of his affair represents only ways that you can study intently the details of how to get to a better place from here.

 

 

I mean, if from somewhere you were instructed to make a potion which would better your relationship, you might find yourself seeking eye of newt, frog legs, and dog legs (or whatever) just as a way of actively wanting to 'help' your cause rather than letting time pass and seeming/feeling as if you're doing nothing.

[photogirl2006]

Clarifying...the sleeping with her part allegedly happened seven months ago. I found out about the affair a little over a month ago. They originally dated 15 years ago and she cheated on him and he dumped her. They were very young at the time. The buying her **** has been going on since after they slept together from what I can tell. His first **** story was that he did it because he didn't want her to tell me. His second **** story was that it was to help out her kids whose dad is a jackass. The latest story is "I don't know why I did it..I don't know." The therapist's theory is that it was a way for him to get attention because he could afford to buy her nice stuff and she was eating it up. Yeah, she was eating it up...she sits on her ass and begs for things from a married man who recently inherited quite a bit of money from his grandfather.

[photogirl2006]

Do we get to learn why this has become so important after fifteen years?

 

The kinds of sex they had back then probably can't even result in pregnancy today!

 

Or are you trying to say that the affair itself was both more recent, and was him getting back together with an ex?

 

 

Try to figure out what you think you want to know about the sex... and the answer to that will determine whether you should pursue it.

 

 

I think that the base of your interest lies in your sincerely wanting to give your all toward getting past this, in your relationship and that your over-dissecting of his affair represents only ways that you can study intently the details of how to get to a better place from here.

 

 

I mean, if from somewhere you were instructed to make a potion which would better your relationship, you might find yourself seeking eye of newt, frog legs, and dog legs (or whatever) just as a way of actively wanting to 'help' your cause rather than letting time pass and seeming/feeling as if you're doing nothing.

 

This right here...is it.....I think that the base of your interest lies in your sincerely wanting to give your all toward getting past this, in your relationship and that your over-dissecting of his affair represents only ways that you can study intently the details of how to get to a better place from here.

 

what I want to know is if there was something sexual or otherwise she offered him that either I can or can not do and if I can't then I need to know now and cut ties .. if it is something I can improve upon without changing who I am then I want to improve.

 

No, I don't want details on how they did it or if it was from behind for her or all that crap....in fact right now I am shaking and sick because if you knew how long I have asked him to stop talking to her and how I told him I knew he was going to cheat on me with that piece of ****. I kept saying I was worried about this and I used to tell him I was having nightmares about him cheating on me with her. He'd laugh at me..just laugh. I was having these nightmares because it was true and I couldn't admit it.

[road]

photogirl, the BS always get to control the level of detail that they need.

 

Caution: before you ask a question remember you can never un hear the answer.

 

So best advice is to ask carefully. You will know when you need to stop digging deeper.

[ComingInHot]

I'm so sorry you are dealing w/this! I remember thinking death would be SO much easier and better because then I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Worse than loosing a family member, worse than losing a job, worse than being forced by someone (as in w/out my consent)...

 

What I did need to know in order to allow him back into our M and home to consider R was;

-Did he tell her ILY

-How long was the A

-What were His excuses for justifying the A

-Why did he lie ABOUT ME to her

-How many times

-Where did it take place

-How much of OUR money did he spend on her and when were the kds and I going to get that back and How

[Coolit]

Does she live in a different town? Because i so then the 1 time sex is believable. But if he is in the same area or travels lots then one time over seven months (with the one time at the beginning) i very hard to believe.

[photogirl2006]

These are the things I wanted to. He lied about a lot of it. He says one time sex. I have written proof he told her he loved her ad the affair was at least 10 months. He had sex in her trailer (AAAAAAAAARRRGH!) He spent at least $5000 on her and her children.

 

And yes, she is married

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing w/this! I remember thinking death would be SO much easier and better because then I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Worse than loosing a family member, worse than losing a job, worse than being forced by someone (as in w/out my consent)...

 

What I did need to know in order to allow him back into our M and home to consider R was;

-Did he tell her ILY

-How long was the A

-What were His excuses for justifying the A

-Why did he lie ABOUT ME to her

-How many times

-Where did it take place

-How much of OUR money did he spend on her and when were the kds and I going to get that back and How

[photogirl2006]

Does she live in a different town? Because i so then the 1 time sex is believable. But if he is in the same area or travels lots then one time over seven months (with the one time at the beginning) i very hard to believe.

 

 

She was living about ten to fifteen minutes away at the time. She has since moved to Florida. I find it very hard to believe as well...but my husband is a sex camel. He's also not considerate in the bedroom and maybe she wouldn't do it again. :/

[compulsivedancer]

My situation is different than yours but I wanted to know everything except sex details...mostly I wanted to know how someone could go do all of what my xbf was doing, say in an afternoon, and then come home and act normal.

 

Like, at what point after he left in the morning and we already had sex did he decide to contact someone? Or did they contact him? 10am? After lunch? When I called to say hi, how's your day going and find out where he wanted to go for dinner in the middle of his afternoon sexting with some nasty MOW, what was he thinking? When I looked at the phone logs, many times he was texting me or making calls to me in the middle of communicating with these women. How is that possible without having a stroke or heart attack from the stress? Things like that

 

I never got any real answers but I drove myself nuts with this for a long time. I hope you get the answers you are looking for

 

OM would text me and his GF at the same time. He enjoyed it. I think it was the ultimate feeling of "being a man" for someone who hasn't been with a lot of women. The idea that he could get two women to sext him at the same time. He loved anything that involved both of us. Of everything, this specifically was the thing that H found most disgusting about the whole A.

 

I think that if you are trying to figure out what he was thinking going into it, you'll only be able to figure it out so much. Trying to even place myself in my own shoes from the A is difficult now, and it's only been about a year since things started. It's very muddy. There were so many different things that went into it, and I thought so many different things at some many different times, and sometimes those things conflicted.

[ComingInHot]

As awful as this may sound to you, I took what my H said then told her. She was a little "off" in her state of mind at that time so I had to pick apart & piece together what SHE TOLD me (after I weeded out les & half truths as best I could).

 

I got what I needed. Kickes H's butt out and told him to G.O. to her. Never went but did everything he could to come home to me... I gave him, us another chance.

That was Three years ago* . (Sometimes I still wonder what if I hadn't R'd... hmmmmm*)

[Snowflower]

photogirl, the BS always get to control the level of detail that they need.

 

Caution: before you ask a question remember you can never un hear the answer.

 

So best advice is to ask carefully. You will know when you need to stop digging deeper.

 

Good advice^^^

 

Let's assume your H will be truthful with you about the sexual details. Do you really want to know all the dirty details? Who said what? Who initiated? Did he initially resist but then she wore him down so he gave in? Or was he the one who notched it up and made the sexual comments? What was their actual sex really like?

 

Be careful here. Think carefully about what you want to know before asking. Like Road said, you can never unhear the answer and the answer may not make you feel better, but worse, and may not ultimately solve the issue anyway.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

what I want to know is if there was something sexual or otherwise she offered him that either I can or can not do and if I can't then I need to know now and cut ties .. if it is something I can improve upon without changing who I am then I want to improve.

 

 

 

 

I found myself first responding aloud, in an empty room:

 

Noooo-ooooooooooo, gawd...

 

 

Even IF she were Nadia Comaneci, who somehow crosses gymnastic capabilities with (what is now) a huge bosom, there would be exactly nothing in your cited category worth understanding about their sex.

 

What she had on you, was planted long ago, in the way of an early investment which always maintained some amount of value.

 

When you get married to (anybody), you just can't really see or measure their personal regard for investments made long ago, and/or their will to afford you the decency of dropping everything at all related and putting every emotional dollar they own into your stock.

 

People such as your husband aren't... usually... plotting from day one to take-up with said woman again. Yet like a cancer of a sort there were seeds there which never went away. When the seeming romantic stock buy-out happened, your husband, for his own sake, and not yours, should have converted every ounce of emotional/personal stock IN HER... to emotional stock in you.

 

(*** and that holds true even IF his ex were the Queen of Sheba, and you were Little Miss Muffet)

 

IF for some stupid reason he though her stock was worth $4.6 emotionally for every $1 of emotional stock he thought you to be worth (or vice versa) HE still needed to sell ALL of hers, and buy as much of yours as his funds could afford (I.E. 'go all-in' ) for his own best possible outcome.

 

So no, don't let yourself think that she knew some sexual secret that you need to know...

[photogirl2006]

I love this....thank you....he seems to be realizing this and seems to be trying to buy stock in me right now but we will see how this all goes. This is so true and right on. Thank you so much.

 

I found myself first responding aloud, in an empty room:

 

Noooo-ooooooooooo, gawd...

 

 

Even IF she were Nadia Comaneci, who somehow crosses gymnastic capabilities with (what is now) a huge bosom, there would be exactly nothing in your cited category worth understanding about their sex.

 

What she had on you, was planted long ago, in the way of an early investment which always maintained some amount of value.

 

When you get married to (anybody), you just can't really see or measure their personal regard for investments made long ago, and/or their will to afford you the decency of dropping everything at all related and putting every emotional dollar they own into your stock.

 

People such as your husband aren't... usually... plotting from day one to take-up with said woman again. Yet like a cancer of a sort there were seeds there which never went away. When the seeming romantic stock buy-out happened, your husband, for his own sake, and not yours, should have converted every ounce of emotional/personal stock IN HER... to emotional stock in you.

 

(*** and that holds true even IF his ex were the Queen of Sheba, and you were Little Miss Muffet)

 

IF for some stupid reason he though her stock was worth $4.6 emotionally for every $1 of emotional stock he thought you to be worth (or vice versa) HE still needed to sell ALL of hers, and buy as much of yours as his funds could afford (I.E. 'go all-in' ) for his own best possible outcome.

 

So no, don't let yourself think that she knew some sexual secret that you need to know...

[pinkstraws]

I think information can be good and freeing in the end. The facts are probably nothing near as bad as your imagination and in every instance where I have insisted on knowing more, I was glad in the end and also, really felt that knowing the facts contributed to my ability to understand, forgive and move on.

 

The bad news is the pain of knowing can be almost unbearable.

 

I compare it to a fire that with the information you allow to flare up to a wild height just when you feel like it is about to consume you - finally - it will die down leaving nothing but ashes where once was a really potent emotion/pain.

 

Alternatively, letting your imagination fill in the details is like having a small, burning fire causing you a little bit of pain every minute of every day for years and years until it finally goes out on its own (if it ever does).

 

I prefer to get to the facts, let it do its damage and then - I feel a sense of having overcome it. It makes me feel more in control and less powerless. This is definitely a personal preference thing, though.

[photogirl2006]

I'm afraid to ask. Just finding out yesterday he used to call her "my angel" completely ruined my birthday today. I've been bawling all day long while he tried to make my day better. I couldn't even enjoy his attention because all I could think and wonder was how much attention he used to pay her (I don't believe it was as much as I think...I do think it was a one night stand for the most part, but it was still an emotional affair). I seriously need some help or something.

 

I think information can be good and freeing in the end. The facts are probably nothing near as bad as your imagination and in every instance where I have insisted on knowing more, I was glad in the end and also, really felt that knowing the facts contributed to my ability to understand, forgive and move on.

 

The bad news is the pain of knowing can be almost unbearable.

 

I compare it to a fire that with the information you allow to flare up to a wild height just when you feel like it is about to consume you - finally - it will die down leaving nothing but ashes where once was a really potent emotion/pain.

 

Alternatively, letting your imagination fill in the details is like having a small, burning fire causing you a little bit of pain every minute of every day for years and years until it finally goes out on its own (if it ever does).

 

I prefer to get to the facts, let it do its damage and then - I feel a sense of having overcome it. It makes me feel more in control and less powerless. This is definitely a personal preference thing, though.

[photogirl2006]

The more I think about this the more I think the whole subject is painful for my husband. He looks like he is in physical pain when I even mention it. He's cried a lot and asked for my forgiveness 20 some times just today. I can see he is clearly in remorse, but I can't seem to let it go. At some point this is my problem and not necessarily his..the obsessing that is. I don't know. I just have to go to bed. My 36th birthday has sucked ****