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Apologizing (again) after 5 months separation


maxposte

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Dear community,

 

5 months ago, I was on this forum seeking advice about how to win my ex-fiance back. I was involved in a 3 month affair last year, which I ended in order to commit to my partner of 10 years. I was so happy with the decision to end the affair and to be fully committed to my relationship, but was a coward and did not come clean about the affair. The affair was revealed 6 months after it had ended (the other man's ex wife forwarded intimate messages to my partner.) After weeks of begging forgiveness, and expressing my willingness to do whatever it would take to reconcile (counseling, changing jobs, controlled separation, etc.) my fiance decided that the affair was a deal-breaker, and that he could not trust me again.

 

For the past 5 months, I have been working hard to gain perspective on the pain that I have caused others as well as the unhealthy life choices that I made to lead to my heinous acts. I have worked been working with a new therapist who has helped me to adopt a lifestyle that allows me to be happy and healthy. I have made a wonderful group of women friends (something I had not had since college) and left a job that was making me miserable and where I had really terrible co-workers who claimed to be my "family" but never had my best interest in mind. I have cut back on the amount of work that I do in general (I had been working 2 jobs and going to grad. school.) I have taken a 'man-batical' no dating, flirting, sex...nothing...no rebounds...not that it really crossed my mind. Many parts of my life have improved, although I live with the guilt over what I have done and the pain of what I have lost every day.

 

I still see my ex each weekend when I go pick up our dog for visits. I update him on what is going on with my life, and he updates me a little...although these conversations are fairly short and only polite and lite.

 

Last week was the Jewish holy days that concluded in the day of atonement. I am not very religious, but I did think that the ritual was an important one this year (I certainly had some atoning to do.) I spent the week taking an inventory of every person I have hurt, and contacted each one in order to apologize. I apologized to my affair partner for hurting him when I ended the affair, because, even though I still maintain that it was the right decision, I know that I hurt him. This apology revealed a lot, because when we had the affair, i was under the impression that his wife had left him and that they had been separated and discussing divorce...this was not the case...he had left his wife and they had been discussing possible reconciliation. He also revealed that he did not tell her, when she found our emails, that I had been out of his life completely for 6 months. I wrote a letter of apology to his ex wife apologizing for hurting her. After spending the week reflecting and apologizing, I fasted for a day.

 

I told my ex fiance about my week of reflection, and that I would like to also apologize to him. He suggested meeting this coming Saturday (since he worked last weekend.) I am very nervous about this meeting. While I already apologized to him, this took place in the midst of his shock, and my feeling the need to make a plea for saving our relationship. Now I want to apologize as someone who has stepped away, an apology with no expectation for reconciliation (even though I would still love for that to happen...I know I cannot expect that, and I don't want that to be my motivation for the apology.) I am not expecting forgiveness, nor am I expecting him to take me back...I fear that as much as I expect this, it will be devastating to hear him say that he still feels the same way about ending the relationship...but that does not change the fact that I owe him the apology and want to give it.

 

I would love some advice on the things that I should and shouldn't say. Should I re-hash specific actions or things that I am sorry for? Should I talk about the work I have been doing to improve myself and to atone? Should I try to explain what I have learned about myself and my surroundings that led me to commit the act? Should I explain to him, again, that I was not in love in any way with the OM...the relief and joy I felt when I ended the affair and decided to commit to him? Or should I just stick to a blanket apology for all of the hurt that I caused? I want him to know that, whether or not I like it, I understand why he chose to separate from me, and that I am sorry for everything...

 

I don't want this apology to cause him more pain...I told him that this is something i wanted to do, but did not push him to meet with me. I want to express my sincerity and remorse. I truly don't have any ulterior motives...I want to be with him, but understand that that is an unlikely scenario... Still, I hope that my apology can heal both of us in some way.

 

Thanks,

 

Maxine

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I love the work you've been doing to learn about yourself - how you participated - and to change your behavior in many areas of your life!

 

It's a very good sign that he's willing to meet with you.

 

Remember, the idea about apologizing him isn't to hurt him, in fact, it's to put his mind at rest and to have neutral energy after the apology.

 

You are best if you hand him some peace of mind.

 

I wouldn't give details to him, I wouldn't use a lot of words to explain. I would apologize, own your behavior and apologize for the hurt and pain that you caused.

 

Then offer him an opportunity to ask you questions - which you must answer honestly. Only answer what he asks. Do not make promises... That never helps.

 

I think you're on the right path.

 

He may not be super receptive at first - but you should at least give him things to think about and consider for later - he may need time to process whether its genuine - after all, he was very hurt.

 

Keep in mind respecting and honoring him. Think of how HE feels, not how you feel.

 

I do a lot of this work with many - I think you're going to do great.

 

I like that you are focusing on having female friends that's a good way to find friends to have fun with.

 

Keep us posted!

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I would love some advice on the things that I should and shouldn't say. Should I re-hash specific actions or things that I am sorry for? Should I talk about the work I have been doing to improve myself and to atone? Should I try to explain what I have learned about myself and my surroundings that led me to commit the act? Should I explain to him, again, that I was not in love in any way with the OM...the relief and joy I felt when I ended the affair and decided to commit to him? Or should I just stick to a blanket apology for all of the hurt that I caused? I want him to know that, whether or not I like it, I understand why he chose to separate from me, and that I am sorry for everything...

 

I don't want this apology to cause him more pain...I told him that this is something i wanted to do, but did not push him to meet with me. I want to express my sincerity and remorse. I truly don't have any ulterior motives...I want to be with him, but understand that that is an unlikely scenario... Still, I hope that my apology can heal both of us in some way.

 

Thanks,

 

Maxine

 

My two cents - just the bolded stuff above and forget the other stuff.

 

Also men like to be involved in fixing things, so you might simply given him an opening at the end, like "I have been working on xyz to improve myself, a make amends to my friends and loved ones, but I wonder what more I can do to be better? Maybe I should abc or def?" Don't make it about fixing you for him but about your life in general. If he gives some advice say "Ya your right, I should do ABCDEF, it was great seeing you, you always know whats best, talk to you in a few day". If you leave him feeling empowered that is a great gift for someone who has been betrayed.

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"I want to be with him"

 

do not go on about therapy, it sounds like you are still screwed up or what ever, therapy should be/is more in your past, just say you had a good look at yourself, and wanted to change so you have

 

healing? idk, at some point you must get back to being happy couple so do not turn up looking and/or talking like a pained saddo, lead the talk to a higher note, avoid therapy-style misery, okay therapy-seriousness, some, just a bit

 

who knows? love might start to fall back into place, I guess if the Almighty wants this, well, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, wait and see

Edited by darkmoon
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Dear community,I would love some advice on the things that I should and shouldn't say. Should I re-hash specific actions or things that I am sorry for? Should I talk about the work I have been doing to improve myself and to atone? Should I try to explain what I have learned about myself and my surroundings that led me to commit the act? Should I explain to him, again, that I was not in love in any way with the OM...the relief and joy I felt when I ended the affair and decided to commit to him? Or should I just stick to a blanket apology for all of the hurt that I caused?
I can tell you this...it's not about whether or not you were in love with OM. Either way, you betrayed your fiance's trust. By telling him that you cheated on him for an OM you didn't even love, that's like saying "I threw away my loyalty to you for a cheap thrill".

 

You might want to consider moving on and letting your ex-fiance move on. Give him space. Stop trying to convince him to take you back. Respect his decision to move on.

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You're going to do just fine. It doesn't have to be perfect. Your heartfelt apology is more than some of us ever get. He'll value it.

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I was cheated before by two different women. It was a deal breaker, no matter how they begged for forgiveness and reconciliation, it's all over for me. I forgave them though after so many months when the wound in my heart completely healed but the scar will always be there no matter what. So reconciliation is not remotely possible and never crossed in my mind.

 

It's been 5 years since I finally found someone and we are happy together. Although I'm making sure right now not to make the same mistake by trusting everybody completely with all your heart. She knows about my sad experiences and told her if you do the same thing for me, I will never hesitate to drop her like a hot potato. I also warned her if she cheats I have many ways to catch her no matter how careful she is. I told these to her from the beginning of our relationship.

Edited by happysong
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I was cheated before by two different women. It was a deal breaker, no matter how they begged for forgiveness and reconciliation, it's all over for me. I forgave them though after so many months when the wound in my heart completely healed but the scar will always be there no matter what. So reconciliation is not remotely possible and never crossed in my mind.

 

It's been 5 years since I finally found someone and we are happy together. Although I'm making sure right now not to make the same mistake by trusting everybody completely with all your heart. She knows about my sad experiences and told her if you do the same thing for me, I will never hesitate to drop her like a hot potato. I also warned her if she cheats I have many ways to catch her no matter how careful she is. I told these to her from the beginning of our relationship.

 

Homie don't play that :)

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Homie don't play that :)

Well sometimes you need to be firmed and frank on your new partner for a new relationship to work. They should know the real possibility of getting caught if they cheat and the nasty consequences of their action. By doing this, it will serve as warning not to think about cheating or putting themselves in a tempting situation.

Edited by happysong
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I don't want this apology to cause him more pain...

You run the risk of this being the case and him feeling that the apology, like the affair, is all about you - so you can feel better, get some closure, etc. I'm not questioning your motives as, as others have noted, your post sounds sincerely remorseful. I'm just speculating it's one of many reactions that he might have, thinking you've decided his angst in reliving the memories is worth your checking off your list. If it had to be done, perhaps email or a letter would be a more appropriate format?

 

As you said, you see him every weekend. Were there something he wanted to say to or ask of you, he has plenty of opportunity. Perhaps you might show the greatest amount of grace and humility by honoring his wishes to allow him to move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I am very impressed with your post. It is clear to me that you really get it. Most cheaters never really get it. I am impressed also with the work you are doing on yourself. I truly believe that you will find happiness in your future and will be a much better human being. I wish you luck.

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You run the risk of this being the case and him feeling that the apology, like the affair, is all about you - so you can feel better, get some closure, etc. I'm not questioning your motives as, as others have noted, your post sounds sincerely remorseful. I'm just speculating it's one of many reactions that he might have, thinking you've decided his angst in reliving the memories is worth your checking off your list. If it had to be done, perhaps email or a letter would be a more appropriate format?

 

As you said, you see him every weekend. Were there something he wanted to say to or ask of you, he has plenty of opportunity. Perhaps you might show the greatest amount of grace and humility by honoring his wishes to allow him to move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Thank you, Mr. Lucky,

 

This is a big fear! To me, Confronting someone is a much more effective and sincere way to apologize. I tried very hard not to push the matter, though, and to let him decide if speaking in person would be appropriate. I said to him ' I have been making apologies all week, and at some point I would like to speak with you.' I left it at that. He, pretty much immediately, said that he was too tired that weekend, but suggested the following Saturday. I took the fact that he pinpointed a date as a good sign that he was open to the idea of hearing my apology in person.

 

Now, I just want to make sure that I cover all necessary topics and really address what I did to wrong him, but in the least painful way for him. I am therefore less concerned with the actual in person meeting and more with how specific I should be about things I am apologizing for. Saying 'I am sorry for everything I did to hurt you' seems a bit like a lame apology...I want him to know that I have been thinking about each thing, the acts of the affair, the lies, the failure to care for him during that time in our relationship, the failure to communicate what was going on with me, the failure to ask for help, the failure to reveal what I had done after the fact...etc... These details, however, are a lot to dredge up and I don't want them to resurface if he has been able to leave some of them behind. I also want him to know that it was me that was screwed up and that he or the ways that he acted in our relationship are not to blame for my acts. I am sure that he and his support network have tried to impress this upon his mind, but I think it will help if he hears it from me.

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Thanks to everyone for the support and well wishes. I have been extremely nervous and upset with myself since this meeting was set. I am fairly certain that Saturday will be the day when I have to give up any lingering hope of reconciliation and move forward with my life, try to forgive myself for my terrible mistakes, and understand that this experience will, at the very least, make me a better partner in any future relationships.

 

I appreciate your assurances that I will find happiness in my future, because sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I am scared that I had the ability to let my unhappiness and insecurity get so bad that I caused so much hurt and cannot imagine being in a place where I can put anyone at risk again. I am sorry to all of you betrayed spouses who have been hurt by someone like me, and especially sorry if your partners do not realize the immense gravity of their offenses.

 

I will let you all know how my meeting goes, and what I decide to say.

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If you can lay out your truth for him - without any expectations from him - it's better that way - so you don't feel disappointed if he decides he can't try again.

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Your apology needs to be 100% about HIM. How you now see what you've done to him, how you now know he has to carry around the scar of wondering if he can trust again, how you feel bad that if he doesn't want you back that he may feel he wasted 10 years of his life on you. That you hope he at least can walk away from it (if he so chooses) feeling like he learned a lot in those 10 years that can help him for the rest of his life.

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TiredFamilyGuy

Don't make it all about you and your grand program of general atonement to everyone about everything. Great you are doing that, btw. But this is about him.

 

Avoid "I felt this, I felt that". Instead, state you were deceitful and cowardly. Admit you weren't about to be honest with him, but got caught. You and he know this already but you stating it, will likely help him.

 

Ask him if there are any loose ends he wants to know about. Then move on and good luck with the rest of your life.

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Just as your relationship was always about the two of you, bringing another man into it caused it's final destruction. The same about your apology, it should only include the two of you. Then let him lead. Tell him the truth when he asks you questions no matter how much it hurts or how bad it makes you look, this is about helping him heal.

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Hi everyone,

 

Well... Mission unsuccessful. My ex postponed Saturday's meeting until Sunday (he had an event going on Saturday evening for work that he had to prepare for.) Then he postponed today's meeting until next Saturday because he said he was too exhausted and wanted to be awake enough to listen to what I had to say. We will see what happens next.

 

In the meantime, I am worried that my affair partner got the wrong idea by my apology. I told him that I was sorry for hurting him, but I think he took it as an invitation to reconnect our friendship or more. He texted me last night. I wouldn't have responded except that he has a new number and I didn't know who he was. When he told me who he was and asked how I was, I responded 'I'm ok, tired, going to sleep.' that's it. Today I sent this text to him: "

 

So, I am trying very hard to forgive u, which as it turns out is a bit harder for me than I thought it would be. It was a big shock that you admitted that you could have been more clear and careful to possibly mitigate some of the miserable occurrences that I have experienced. I believe one of two things: that you either didn't give a **** about me ever, or that you did but that you just didn't act like a friend...a person, who in my opinion, should always consider others equally or more than themselves. We all experience times when we act like ****ty friends... These are mistakes that we learn from throughout our lives. In some cases, when the friendship has a long history, the mistake can be forgiven and the friendship can continue. In others, while the mistake might be forgiven, the friendship is just over. You and I had a short history... I believe that the repercussions from your mistake have exceeded the benefits of any friendship we have ever had. While I will forgive you, though it may take more time than I originally anticipated, I don't believe that I can reserve any energy or time in my life for a friendship with you. I will treat you with politeness when I see you, but I don't want to communicate with you beyond that. I don't want to be a pillar of support for you nor do I have any desire for you to serve that role for me. I hope that we both find a way to make peace with our circumstances, but my peace will not come by talking to you. I hope that you can respect my wishes to not hear from you. I have tried to be polite in my responses, but to convey the impression that we aren't friends... But you continue to send me messages at random and I think that you should know outright that these messages are not met with a 'happy to hear from you' mentality. Please let me know that you understand this.*

Best wishes,*"

 

I hope I was clear. I hope that I get to give my apology... I am trying to be understanding about whether or not my ex wants to meet me. I know I have no right to be hurt or angry that he cancels twice on me, but I am upset that I spent so much of my week thinking about this and cleared my weekend and he dismissed it as if it weren't a very important event. Oh well... I'll try again next weekend.

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Hello,

 

"I am upset that I spent so much of my week thinking about this and cleared my weekend and he dismissed it as if it weren't a very important event".

 

I do not interpret this the way you did. I see a man who is terribly hurt and in a great deal of pain. He sounds like a man who is feeling very raw right now and it is eating him up. This is a man who was getting ready to marry you and it exploded in the worst way possible in his face. You are upset because you cleared your weekend for nothing? I am sorry but you do not have anything to be upset about except that you should be very upset about what you have done to this man. I think his reply to you was very respectful. How can you not read between the lines and see how much pain he is in?

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I don't think dumpers/cheaters will ever understand how a dumpee/BS feels. Some dumpers seem to think that the dumpee should always be at their beck and call. I agree with Bryanp.

 

How would you feel if the tables were turned? I would give it until next week and just let it go if he cancels again. Send him a text like you did your AP and move on. There's no need to torture yourself.

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Thanks! I agree completely...I am trying to be understanding...and I am, for the most part...I do not want to push a meeting upon him, and want him to be ready to speak to me.

 

My post was as honest as possible...that I am disappointed...not about time wasted...just that I had really spent so much time thinking about what I was going to say...reflecting...and being really happy at the prospect of him being so open to a conversation. I am not angry at him for cancelling, for realizing that he isn't ready, but just feeling kinda bummed that I felt like I was coming close to being able to give the apology that I would so like to give, and having it not happen.

 

I also know that what I did and caused gives me no right to make requests of my ex about conversations or anything, but I am not going to lie about it being painful to run into the walls that I have caused to be put up.

 

I am biding my time until he is willing to give me a chance to apologize properly.

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I am biding my time until he is willing to give me a chance to apologize properly.

To put it in the simplest terms, I think you're way over-estimating the value of whatever you have to say, both for you and especially for him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I don't mean this to be harsh (and I support your efforts to apologize). But...

 

You screwed up his life. If you're really remorseful, shut up about how it impacts your week.

 

As for the OM, no more contact. No excuses.

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