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Newlywed and in an affair


Iris_88

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My story is an EXTREMELY long and complicated one. I will try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

My now husband and I have been together since HS. We dated for 10 years before finally getting married a year ago. He is an incredible person and family man. No vices, very sweet... just "perfect".

 

We never truly had that chemistry that so many romantic novels talk about. Looking back over the years, we were just best friends that could pass as brother and sister. Yes, the sex was there but it was never earth shattering.

 

2 years ago, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer- she passed away a month after. It was a total shock and the family was shaken and destroyed. She was in her mid 50s. Because of my extensive legal background, I was able to provide the family with ALL of the help they needed. Financial even. We were "family" so what would be the problem right? I would stay with their mother overnight in the hospital ... really going out of my way.

 

Long story short, his siblings recent me for that. They were hardly around during that time and relied on me for everything. Since she passed away, they have hated me as if I was the one that took her away.

 

A year later, we get married. They were cruel to me during the entire process. To the point where they said I was no longer welcomed in their home. At this time, my husband and I decided to attend counseling. I feel like we were broken apart before what should have been a very joyful moment. We got married- argued during the wedding- because his sisters decided to show up in bridesmaids dresses to mock me. He did nothing about it.

 

Since then, I have been disrespected by his family. We no longer speak to them but things are not easier.

 

I lost something in my heart for him because of that and now I am spiralling out of control.

 

Before the wedding, we fought a lot- mainly because he would flat out refuse to give me my place. It was my birthday and he did not attend my party even. It was that night that changed everything.

 

We are a small group of very close knit friends. Again, long story short, I ended up dancing with one of our male friends there, he took me home and I kissed him. It has now been over a year since that day and I am unable to shake him off. I am starting to think that I love him. Which is crazy but I cant break it off. We sneak away to be together whenever we get a chase. The sex is so amazing and intimate- that scares me.

 

I never thought that I would be the one saying that I am having an affair because my husband doesnt care for me, we dont have sex, we are roommates, we dont talk ... but I am that person now.

 

My heart literally leaps when I think of him. We talk all of the time and have a lot in common. I am afraid as this is beyond just a physical affair- it is emotional. My BFF is the only one that knows of the affair. She refuses to help me as it is her brother in law. The only thing she says to me is that she has never seen be so happy as I am when I am with the other person. But she feels terrible knowing and would rather me not tell her anything else.

 

I am spiraling and I dont know what to do. This other person is single.

 

I have begun therapy for myself as well. I am so happy with this other person but it might also be because of the years of resentment I have for my husband that are making me feel this way.:(

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Sounds like this marriage isn't going to work out. Probably not worth it to continue. If the inlaws were wrong about you before, it doesn't matter now. The inlaw's feelings are now justified. If I were talking to him, I'd recommend he leave. You can't risk being marred to someone who cheats when there's trouble. If his family and you don't mix, that's going to make for a very rough marriage even without the unfaithfulness. i think the right thing is to split now. Whatever you do DON'T get pregnant! Then it will be much worse and harder to fix this.

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Thank you.

 

I am becoming someone I do not recognize. I came from a broken family where as the eldest, I saw first hand what my fayher's years of infodelity caused my mother. It isn't fair to anyone involved.

 

I have tried ending the affair numerous times but my heart is speaking for me now. I feel so naive and stupid.

 

His family has never had any justification for treating me the way they have but now I feel like I am no one to prove otherwise to them. My BFF tells me that we should try or end things now that we are friends and have no children. He deserves to be loved by someone as he should as a man.

 

But I don't know if losing him would just be the biggest mistake of my life. I am so confused.

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It's obvious you're not happy at all so do the counseling to help you figure out stuff. In the meantime, back off of the OM. If you two are meant to be, he'll allow you space to deal with your husband and possible divorce. Don't lead on this single man - It isn't fair to him to have him on the side and then continue living at home and staying married.

 

Anyway, there's a lot of confusion and pain surrounding his mother's death, I really don't understand why his siblings have turned on you and also your H hasn't treated you very well either at times. I can understand your detachment and resentment that started to build, but cheating is not the answer, if anything (as you probably know now) it's just made a messy situation worse.

 

I usually don't advocate divorce so quickly, but in your situation the passion isn't there, sexual lust and desire isn't there and neither of you truly seem "in love". You got married because of obligations so it seems and also because you've been together for so long, you know one another.

 

Maybe separation is a good idea instead of just divorcing. This way you can be on your own (and that means NO OM either) and figure out if being on your own makes you happier. Don't end your marriage in hopes to start a new R with the other guy.

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Charlie Harper

Divorce. your H doe not deserve to be the receiver of his family wrongdoings, and he will NEVER give you your proper place.

 

Try to be happy with someone else.

 

my 2 cents

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I don't care what my inlaws think. No really... Who cares? My w cares... I try and try to explain that they can't help it that they are stupid. Anyway... Yes after all those years things can get stale. And the best way to kill passion is to get into a steamy affair with someone new behind your spouses back. Yes most are hot like that, yours is nothing unique in that respect. your husband likely senses your withdrawal from the marriage and he too is pulling back too. You are in a negative reinforcing loop.

 

Focus on your counseling. Give yourself a little more slack. set a goal of when you will have to decide on what to do and stick with it.

 

By the way.... You lose your h, you will see him in an entirely different light. Be prepared to be kicking yourself in the ass for the rest of your life.

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Iris,

 

You are going to get slammed a plenty in this thread so you are likely going to have to ignore most of the BS. Just look for the solutions that make sense for you and dismiss the rest a garbage.

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i'm a bit confused..... you say this OM is your bff's BIL? doesn't that mean he is married to her sister?

 

 

btw, what you two are doing is pretty sh*tty, no matter how you want to paint this fantasy you're in.

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Whatever your reason you should not cheat or betray someone in a relationship. Cheating is like sentencing the BS to life imprisonment and feeding him with life wrecking negative emotions.

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i'm a bit confused..... you say this OM is your bff's BIL? doesn't that mean he is married to her sister?

He is probably her bff's H's Brother. Forget about that kind of brother in law?

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Whatever your reason you should not cheat or betray someone in a relationship. Cheating is like sentencing the BS to life imprisonment and feeding him with life wrecking negative emotions.

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People in affairs (women especially) tend to rewrite history to justify their cheating. The sad part is they start to believe their revisions

 

Very untrue and sexist statement. I have not experienced a higher rate of females rewritting history than males. In fact, my xMM rewrote our history and wrote his own responsibility.

 

I wouldn't say this is necessarily a case of rewritten history. Everything she shared may be true. But cheating was a very poor decision to make. There were a lot better ways for her to handle it.

 

Right now she isn't being true to her husband, her OM or herself. She has created a really big mess out of an already messy situation.

 

And I echo others. DON't GET PREGNANT! It isn't fair to bring a baby into this drama.

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So you cheated on your husband before the marriage. I think you are not telling whole story that your husband's family knew about your affair. No wonder they gave you a cold treatment.



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Must confess to your BH.

 

You kiddin? That ain't gonna happen. Nah, I see this playing out that she'll want a divorce stating that she just can't get over his family not liking her and it's too much. She'll tell him that it's his fault that they live more like roommates....blah...blah...

 

And then he'll blame himself AND his family for her leaving him; thus, causing a rift with him and his immediate family...blah...blah....

 

No way she's gonna make herself the bad guy in this.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
My now husband and I have been together since HS. We dated for 10 years before finally getting married a year ago.

 

2 years ago, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer- she passed away a month after. It was a total shock and the family was shaken and destroyed. She was in her mid 50s. Because of my extensive legal background, I was able to provide the family with ALL of the help they needed. Financial even. We were "family" so what would be the problem right? I would stay with their mother overnight in the hospital ... really going out of my way.

 

Long story short, his siblings recent me for that. They were hardly around during that time and relied on me for everything. Since she passed away, they have hated me as if I was the one that took her away.

 

You met in high school, married 10 years later, making you between 24 and 28 years old. Under 30? What is your "extensive" legal background. I am 52 and know many lawyers my age, and I'm not too certain they consider themselves to have an "extensive" legal background outside of their specialty.

 

Were there money issues regarding his mother's estate?

 

Please explain a little more about the source of this whole "family not liking you" thing.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
A year later, we get married. They were cruel to me during the entire process. To the point where they said I was no longer welcomed in their home. At this time, my husband and I decided to attend counseling. I feel like we were broken apart before what should have been a very joyful moment. We got married- argued during the wedding- because his sisters decided to show up in bridesmaids dresses to mock me. He did nothing about it.

 

Since then, I have been disrespected by his family. We no longer speak to them but things are not easier.

 

I lost something in my heart for him because of that and now I am spiralling out of control.

 

Before the wedding, we fought a lot- mainly because he would flat out refuse to give me my place. It was my birthday and he did not attend my party even. It was that night that changed everything.

 

Can you explain a little more about the bolded parts?

 

About showing up in bridesmaids dresses, I've never heard anything like that before. I guess I would think they did it to try to upset you also, but as an impartial observer, I would think THEY were the ones who looked stupid and childish, not you. What kind of message were they trying to send by doing this? I agree they probably did this to upset you, but I cannot see the reasoning behind it. No normal person would think bad about you because of something like this, but would think his sisters were off their rockers.

 

What did you expect your husband to do about it? Tell his sisters they were not allowed to attend the wedding or reception? I think I would have expected this, as well, but I think maybe he might have been blindsided by this as well and not quite certain what to do, so let it slide. Did you ask him to take any particular action or discuss it with him?

 

What does it mean when you say you fought a lot because he flat out refused to give you your place? Sorry if I seem out of touch. I am not familiar with that phrase.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
We never truly had that chemistry that so many romantic novels talk about. Looking back over the years, we were just best friends that could pass as brother and sister. Yes, the sex was there but it was never earth shattering.

 

Before the wedding, we fought a lot- mainly because he would flat out refuse to give me my place. It was my birthday and he did not attend my party even. It was that night that changed everything.

 

It has now been over a year since that day and I am unable to shake him off. I am starting to think that I love him. Which is crazy but I cant break it off. We sneak away to be together whenever we get a chase. The sex is so amazing and intimate- that scares me.

 

my husband doesnt care for me, we dont have sex, we are roommates, we dont talk.

 

My heart literally leaps when I think of him. We talk all of the time and have a lot in common. I am afraid as this is beyond just a physical affair- it is emotional. My BFF says to me that she has never seen be so happy as I am when I am with the other person.

 

I am so happy with this other person but it might also be because of the years of resentment I have for my husband that are making me feel this way.

 

You are only married a year and you don't have kids. It sounds like you should never have gotten married in the first place. No doubt your husband has his share of flaws, but it is not right for you to marry him if you don't feel the chemistry, if you think of him as a roommate, and if you are cheating on him. These are things that YOU should have discussed with him before you got married. Your resentment for whatever wrongs he committed is no excuse. You not only hurt him by marrying him, but you hurt yourself.

 

So, no kids, short marriage, you still both are young, and you made some mistakes and some bad decisions. I think it probably would be best for you to tell your husband the truth, file for divorce, and all three of you can move on with your lives. It will be painful for your husband, but it is for the best for him. He deserves to find the type of love you have found.

 

As for you, how could you ever go back to your husband, who you consider a roommate, who you resent, who you have no sexual feelings for, or romantic feelings, while you think you have found a guy who is all of that and more? I don't see you ever being happy going back to your husband, you always will wonder what would have been. This marriage has been good for neither of you.

 

The cheating and lying will hurt your husband the most. In the future, when you have problems with your new soul mate, please discuss the problems with him, don't let it turn into resentment and cheating.

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I would say end it. You are not happy and he is not man enough to put you first.

 

I had, past tense a similar situation only with the in-laws part, my parents that is in how they treated my wife.

 

They my parents were extreme bigots IE my wife is of a different culture and they wanted no part of her and she endured and i put my parents in their place. I think that is where the real difference is. He is not acting as a husband should. As far as my parents, they apologized over the years and now we see them every weekend with the kids. They even defend my wife against me sometimes.... lmao!

 

You still violated your relationship, you should of just bailed before deciding to have an A. But you are grown up enough to know what you want to do and don’t need a lesson in morality.

 

However and this in the end should not matter but it may to you, so prepare for if he finds out about the A as much the family hates you now, they will feel vindicated in their eyes that you are truly “a bad person” and that their hate is founded.

 

Best of luck, but get out now before you invest anything more into the relationship.

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Speakingofwhich

Sounds as if you're married to a wonderful man you're no longer interested in. Had you not had an A I would encourage you to stay in the marriage and get some MC.

 

Since you have had an A you have lost something with your H that will take a lot of effort to regain, if it can even happen.

 

You need to tell your H so he can decide if he wants to stay married with you. You may decide, yourself, while in IC that you want a D. It sure seems as if that might be best.

 

In any event, stop spending time with OM. If you won't do that, then go ahead and get a D.

 

Whatever you do, don't get pg, with either man. Take double, triple, precautions.

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For the entire time you have been married to your husband you've been cheating with your best friend's brother in-law and she hasn't exposed you? You have to know that when the sh*t hits the fan the fact that she knows about your affair and is withholding that information she will have to defend herself to her family and to your husband? Too many people know about your infidelity, the chances are high you will be discovered. If you are not willing to put the work into making you marriage work, end it. How do you think your husband will feel knowing that during the period of his mothers illness you were banging another man? Bringing a third person into your relationship is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Choose one or the other but choose, you need to end this charade, your selfish behavior is putting too many relationships at risk.

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For the entire time you have been married to your husband you've been cheating with your best friend's brother in-law and she hasn't exposed you?

 

I missed that part and had to re-read the original post. I originally thought she cheated post the marriage. I must say why in the hell did the OP get married already having cheated? Did i understand that correctly? Wow!!! That takes a special breed of thought.

 

To the OP leave now, whether the family treated you like crap is irrelevant honestly. No one deserves to be treated badly by the in-laws but you entered into a relationship broke it, then doubled down by getting married.

 

Do him and his family a favor and just get out, you all will be happier for it.

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