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Exposure vs keeping affair a secret


Cheetahs

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I exposed my affair to my wife who hates me right now. However now I'm rethinking if I did the right thing. If I would've kept it a secret we would still be together and she wouldn't be so upset with me. Did I do the right thing? I'm starting to regret telling her.

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Of course you did the right thing by being honest with her. Men who actually care about their wife and her feelings do not continue to lie, deceive and hurt her by staying in an affair. Now she will actually have a choice in how to live her life, rather than having that choice taken away from her. I mean, how cruel is it to rob someone of their life, pretending to be a faithful husband, taking away her choices, and forcing her to stay in a fake marriage by deceiving her. You did the right thing by telling her the truth.

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I exposed my affair to my wife who hates me right now. However now I'm rethinking if I did the right thing. If I would've kept it a secret we would still be together and she wouldn't be so upset with me. Did I do the right thing? I'm starting to regret telling her.

 

You did the right thing. You allowed HER to make a decision - To either forgive you and give you a second chance to fix yourself and make the marriage better and strong (together) or divorce.

 

Her anger and devastation is to be expected. You turned her world upside down. All that blind faith and trust, love and respect she's had for you as her husband has been shattered and torn apart. Put yourself in her shoes and show her compassion and understanding.

 

You are regretting telling her maybe because you're afraid now of facing the consquences of your actions.

 

Well, kudos to you for confessing, that took courage and guts.

 

For now, you need to apologize, genuinally feel it and mean it, and let her know that you will do ANYTHING she asks you to do to make things right again. Do counseling. On your own and together. Fix "you" and try to understand what parts of you are broken that made you betray and lie to her day in and day out by having an affair. Figure out why you chose to take a big gamble and possibly lose your marriage.. all for what? Was it worth it?

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The important thing to remember is that it isn't your confession that has hurt her - it is the CHEATING that has hurt her.

 

What people who say they don't want to tell/don't think others should tell don;t seem to get is that it isn't the TRUTH that is the hurtful part - it is the CHEATING.

 

Cheating and then allowing the BS to unknowingly live a lie is just adding insult to injury.

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The important thing to remember is that it isn't your confession that has hurt her - it is the CHEATING that has hurt her.

 

What people who say they don't want to tell/don't think others should tell don;t seem to get is that it isn't the TRUTH that is the hurtful part - it is the CHEATING.

 

Cheating and then allowing the BS to unknowingly live a lie is just adding insult to injury.

Excellent post. And when you lie, you just add to the hurt and destroy trust. It may keep peace in the meantime but unpredictably things get worse suddenly, like when my wife got pregnant and miscarried.

 

If you do reconcile, you'll have a greater chance now because you told. If not, well you've wasted less years of her life.

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You did the right thing. You allowed HER to make a decision - To either forgive you and give you a second chance to fix yourself and make the marriage better and strong (together) or divorce.

 

Her anger and devastation is to be expected. You turned her world upside down. All that blind faith and trust, love and respect she's had for you as her husband has been shattered and torn apart. Put yourself in her shoes and show her compassion and understanding.

 

You are regretting telling her maybe because you're afraid now of facing the consquences of your actions.

 

Well, kudos to you for confessing, that took courage and guts.

 

For now, you need to apologize, genuinally feel it and mean it, and let her know that you will do ANYTHING she asks you to do to make things right again. Do counseling. On your own and together. Fix "you" and try to understand what parts of you are broken that made you betray and lie to her day in and day out by having an affair. Figure out why you chose to take a big gamble and possibly lose your marriage.. all for what? Was it worth it?

 

I'm regretting telling her because I lost everything. My wife hates me and she is trying to take our children away from me. She kicked me out of the house and we are currently living apart. If I didn't tell her we would still be living together and things would be okay. I'm thinking I made the wrong choice. If I would've never told her she would've never found out. I'm trying to fix the damage I've caused but its hard.

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You would have always known. And therefore you would have to remain conscience free for life. And as long as the ow is alive there is always a chance of discovery.

 

He can't take the kids unless you let her.

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The important thing to remember is that it isn't your confession that has hurt her - it is the CHEATING that has hurt her.

 

What people who say they don't want to tell/don't think others should tell don;t seem to get is that it isn't the TRUTH that is the hurtful part - it is the CHEATING.

 

Cheating and then allowing the BS to unknowingly live a lie is just adding insult to injury.

But if I didn't tell her she wouldn't hate me right now. I do regret the affair. I wished it would've never happened. I love my wife and kids more than anything and now it's all gone due to my selfishness.

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Think about how much more upset she would be if she somehow found out about it later on...

 

Are you kidding me? Now we have measures on degrees of upsettedness?

 

 

A lot of people make that argument, I think it is full of crap.

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I'm regretting telling her because I lost everything. My wife hates me and she is trying to take our children away from me. She kicked me out of the house and we are currently living apart. If I didn't tell her we would still be living together and things would be okay. I'm thinking I made the wrong choice. If I would've never told her she would've never found out. I'm trying to fix the damage I've caused but its hard.

 

You made a terrible choice twice, first to cheat and then to fess up.

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Are you kidding me? Now we have measures on degrees of upsettedness?

 

 

A lot of people make that argument, I think it is full of crap.

 

Realist, you have got to be the most unrealistic person on here. My h was way less upsey with me coming clean then if he had caught me. By discovering it he would have always wondered how I could have not only made the terrible choice to cheat but then continued on in our marriage like i did nothing wrong.

 

Cheetah, you are still just thinking about yourself. You regret telling because now she hates you. So you'd rather she love you based on lie? Thinking you are a faithful husband when you weren't? No, it is always better to tell. It is the only way to be an authentic person.

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Cheetahs, I confessed my first affair as well. I was just not wired to keep something like that from my husband for life. And even with all the difficulty and consequences and roller coaster that came afterward.....I am GLAD I am not wired to keep something like that a secret for life.

 

Think about it - you confessed because your conscience and sense of right and wrong is sensitive enough that you COULDN'T mislead your wife, even if she didn't know she was being misled. That is a good thing.

 

Sadly, in my case, my first A was not my last A. And I can say with certainty that my husband finding out rather than me confessing out of true remorse made it much more difficult. At least with confession he knew that I understood and was truly remorseful. Being caught, he wonders if I would have kept going had he not found out.

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I think what it shows is that you have respect for your wife. She should and she will appreciate that in the end, no matter how hurt she is and acts right now, and no matter what she decides for her life right now. You showed her respect, and you didn't cover your own rear end. Most people think that if someone confesses to a betrayal, it's because they want to rid themselves of the guilt. It's not true IMO. People who don't confess want to lead a double life, are cowards, CLAIM that they don't want to hurt their SO, but in reality they're just not brave enough to bear the consequences of their own messed up choices. You're not that person, and the confession may lead to something you never wanted, which is a divorce, but it may be a chance to achieve something bigger: a life of truth and honesty, with or without your wife, a stronger foundation, and a man who knows that he's a good person, not a cheater.....just a person who made the wrong choices, but who's ready to take a hard look at himself and change his flaws into something bigger and better.

 

You put your W's needs and dignity above your own, and I respect that. Most people don't have that in them.

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Realist, you have got to be the most unrealistic person on here. My h was way less upsey with me coming clean then if he had caught me. By discovering it he would have always wondered how I could have not only made the terrible choice to cheat but then continued on in our marriage like i did nothing wrong.

 

 

And you know this how? The fact is ya don't. Just because you come clean and tell someone you have been lying to them for a period of time does not change the fact that you did for a good while lie to them, which in itself is the original wrong. How they find out about that wrong is immaterial.

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Realist: Absolutely wrong. If you've been betraying your spouse's trust and you try to make it right by owning it actively, which means you take responsibility and actually do something to correct a mistake proactively, this will be WAY better and show WAY more sincerity and integrity than simply getting found out and trying to clean up that mess because now you simply have to. You don't want to. You HAVE to.

 

What's left if you are found out rather than confessing is simply your trying to weasel yourself out of it. It does make a difference. Trust me. Your pov is skewed anyways, and because you're one of those guys who aren't brave enough to man up and face the music, which equals the fact that you want your cake on the side, while your W can't have any, because you would be jealous, and which equals the fact that you aren't strong enough to have a well-balanced, fair R with equal rights, you will always be a hypocrite holding your partner to high standards and morals, which you yourself are lacking entirely. Fair? No. Hypocritical? Absolutely. Manly? No. Conflict-avoidant? Totally. No hard feelings. No offense. But that's the brutal truth.....and we both know it. You're not protecting anybody but yourself. Not cool.

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Realist: Absolutely wrong. If you've been betraying your spouse's trust and you try to make it right by owning it actively, which means you take responsibility and actually do something to correct a mistake proactively, this will be WAY better and show WAY more sincerity and integrity than simply getting found out and trying to clean up that mess because now you simply have to. You don't want to. You HAVE to.

 

What's left if you are found out rather than confessing is simply your trying to weasel yourself out of it. It does make a difference. Trust me. Your pov is skewed anyways, and because you're one of those guys who aren't brave enough to man up and face the music, which equals the fact that you want your cake on the side, while your W can't have any, because you would be jealous, and which equals the fact that you aren't strong enough to have a well-balanced, fair R with equal rights, you will always be a hypocrite holding your partner to high standards and morals, which you yourself are lacking entirely. Fair? No. Hypocritical? Absolutely. Manly? No. Conflict-avoidant? Totally. No hard feelings. No offense. But that's the brutal truth.....and we both know it. You're not protecting anybody but yourself. Not cool.

 

 

You are completely mistaken about me, and my situation.

 

There is an original wrong that that is the whole ball of wax and that is the betrayal. Whether one finds out about it through confession or through other means of discovery does nothing to change the basic fundamental of the original wrong.

 

Some people might like to pretend that it does, but it doesn't. At the end of the day the little brownie points earned for confessing aren't going to mean squat when hours and hours of discussion take place talking about all of the particulars of the affair.

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Look, you can try to twist it any way you want to. Fact is: yes - the initial betrayal is wrong. I give you that. no need to discuss the wrongness of cheating, lying and humiliating a loved one by disrespecting their feelings and sneaking around with someone else. But further lying or not telling the truth or omitting it is worse. It's like trying to continue the betrayal forever. It's like continuing the humiliation. It's your choice if you want to give a betrayed spouse the respect they deserve by doing the right thing and giving them the honest truth about who they've been really married to. Most don't if they're not forced to. We know that. But that doesn't make it right. You don't need to twist my words. I'm not saying that the initial betrayal is less hurtful by confessing. All I'm saying is this: giving your spouse the respect they deserve by being honest for once, after being dishonest for so long, is the least you can do, IF they mean that much to you. If they don't, they don't. Then you'll probably forever take advantage of them. But don't say you love them and they have a priority in your life, if they aren't even worth the truth and your honesty and your trying to change. If they're not worth that simple little thing, then you only love them as long as they're convenient to you. As long as they don't question you. As long as they keep on going, oblivious and deprived of their dignity.

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Telling the truth....should not be about "brownie points".

 

Making yourself accountable...is what its about. Its about holding yourself to a standard that you expect from others. Its about self respect, integrity, and change.

 

Changing the mode you used to betray, removing the lies...stopping the lies...change.

 

Can only occur from within...not outside.

 

To the OP, the truth....is..you did not value your family. Affairs end marriages, break up families...its what they are designed to do. It was a choice that you made. One that you will have to live with.

 

Handing your wife back her reality is treating her with respect.

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I'm not twisting your words at all.

 

All I am saying is some of you like to make this false case that somehow if one confesses it makes the situation 'better', it doesn't. A shiat sandwich is a shiat sandwich. Telling someone, "At least I told you you were eating a shiat sandwich,(insert a huge smile) instead of you finding out on your own.", makes not one lick of difference.

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Confessing an affair and expressing true remorse goes a long way to repairing a relationship. It's a lot more conducive to a path to forgiveness than if the cheater were discovered after many months or years of betrayal with the intent to keeping the SO in the dark. That's not to say that the affair itself will sting less if confessed to, but to be duped and lied to for months or years, and having to be discovered, rather than a remorseful spouse showing the willingness to be honest by confessing the wrong, will be much more damaging in the long run and much harder to recover from. Women are a lot more likely to forgive a repentant remorseful spouse than one who continues to deceive for months or years with no intent to ever come clean.

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I'm not twisting your words at all.

 

All I am saying is some of you like to make this false case that somehow if one confesses it makes the situation 'better', it doesn't. A shiat sandwich is a shiat sandwich. Telling someone, "At least I told you you were eating a shiat sandwich,(insert a huge smile) instead of you finding out on your own.", makes not one lick of difference.

 

But if there was poo in my sandwich I would want the sandwich maker to tell me so I could go throw up.

 

And yes I do know thanks to a grasp of reality and common sense that it was better for me to confess. For the reasons i said and because everyone who caught there spouse on here says they wish they would have confessed and no one who was told says they wish their spouse hadn't told them.

 

But I didn't confess because of exposure. I confessed for a lot of reasons but the one that made me finally do it was I love my husband and i wanted him to know the truth so he could choose.

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