Breaking NC

[Coolit]

So ow/bw wants some answers from me. Husband is okay with it and following the whole conversation. But i don't know what to tell her. She basically told me.

 

1. She has nothing to forgive her h for because he had her permission and she knew everything.

2. She will not believe me because I lied to her.

3. Her H does not remember the last physical contact we had together because he was too drunk. And that I somehow took advantage of him and the situation. Basically, i threw myself at him and he was too drunk to resist.

 

But she wanted me to tell her. If she isn't going to believe what I have to say what is the point? I know this situation is not the usual but I hoped some BSs would have some insight in what she is looking for.

 

I told her when we had sex. I told her things we did I thought she didn't know. And I apologized for my behaviour.

 

What i didn't tell her was two days after the time he doesn't remember we talked mutually about what happened. I didn't tell her that when I told

Him I was going to confess to my H he begged me not to because she would find out. And then he told me he would deny the whole thing. I didn't tell her that H was present right after we had sex and could vouch that he was not that drunk.

 

Should i just lay it out? Even though she will not believe me. If you, as a bs, are convinced that the ow is nothing but a liar who will do anything to ruin your marriage, what would be believable to you?

 

I don't need her to believe me to live my life. But i do question whether I should just say it all and at least one of us isn't lying to her.

 

I really did doubt she viewed herself as a betrayed spouse or aknowledged her H and i did have a secret affair. And now i know. She thinks that i read into his actions too much and persued him. Gad, he is a slime ball and the fact that I had sex with him really makes me feel dirty.

[Zenstudent]

Assuming you have chosen the authentic life moving forward, I don't quite understand your uncertainty.

 

I see two options. One is to say "Ok, I'll answer all questions you may have" and answer truthfully. The other option is to say "I don't think this would be beneficial to either of us, I for one don't want to get any more hurt than I already am from my own actions and choices".

 

I suspect she wouldn't understand the latter very well, so my vote is on option one.

[twosadthings]

Is this contact the outcome of you and your husband recently seeing them at a social affair?

 

I understood, perhaps mistakenly, that it was you that wanted the no contact. If that's the case you owe no one any answers and in fact should avoid this couple because if you don't you're just perpetuating the affair, if only mentally.

 

This couple didn't care for or respect you, your husband or your marriage so why would you allow them to control your life by demanding answers?

 

Get them out of your lives once and for all.

 

Twosadthings

[whatatangledweb]

You have already told her everything she needs to know. She does not believe you. I would not just meet so she can pour her anger, hate, etc on you. It's done. Go NC with her.

[harrybrown]

keep telling her the truth. Have your husband tell her he was not that drunk.

[compulsivedancer]

All of the responses so far have been pretty good.

 

Either tell her the truth or tell her that you don't want to talk to her any more. Or have your husband talk to her (after all, he just reopened this bag of worms). But you get to decide. If telling the truth won't make a difference to her, then don't get drawn into her bs. If you think telling the truth WILL make a difference, then do it. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

[Coolit]

She actually never allowed me to tell her anything. I apologized for lying to her about the sex because i thought she already knew only to find out she didn't. So i think i will tell her simply.

 

You can believe me or not but your H was not so drunk that he couldn't "give exact walk-thru of the evening." and he remembered it will enough several days later when we talked about it as well as a few weeks later when he was worried me confessing would cause you to find out."

 

They left the party early which caused a lot pf speculation which in turn i think may have brought up some things.

[ChooseTruth]

She actually never allowed me to tell her anything. I apologized for lying to her about the sex because i thought she already knew only to find out she didn't. So i think i will tell her simply.

 

You can believe me or not but your H was not so drunk that he couldn't "give exact walk-thru of the evening." and he remembered it will enough several days later when we talked about it as well as a few weeks later when he was worried me confessing would cause you to find out."

 

They left the party early which caused a lot pf speculation which in turn i think may have brought up some things.

I'd just ignore the whole "I can't trust you" thing. I got that a lot from my ex when trying to reconcile. She felt she didn't need to try to communicate since I had no trust anyway. You aren't trying to rebuild trust here...but still I think you should just be politely as truthful as possible. If she wants to hear from you, that's the main point. Give her what she really wants, which is the truth.

 

Also if you set it up as a conflict, it's more likely to be received badly. Try to picture yourself saying whatever it is you say in a sweet voice and put things in more positive terms.

 

My attempt at rephrasing a little:

"Oh, <AP name> had good recollection several days later when we talked about it. He also seemed clear a few weeks later when he was worried me confessing would cause you to find out."

I took out the bit about "not being so drunk", but if you put it back in you could say he was "sober enough". Small things, but might make it less confrontational.

[Spark1111]

She actually never allowed me to tell her anything. I apologized for lying to her about the sex because i thought she already knew only to find out she didn't. So i think i will tell her simply.

 

You can believe me or not but your H was not so drunk that he couldn't "give exact walk-thru of the evening." and he remembered it will enough several days later when we talked about it as well as a few weeks later when he was worried me confessing would cause you to find out."

 

They left the party early which caused a lot pf speculation which in turn i think may have brought up some things.

 

lay it all out on the table Coolit. Whether she believes you or not, tell the unequivocal, unabashed, unvarnished version of events as you remember them.

 

Then hold your head up high because you told the truth.

 

Tell her, you do not care whether she believes you or not. Your husband knows all and yes, you did lie but are not lying anymore to anyone.

 

You are moving on. Ask her if she has any other questions because this WILL BE your last conversation about it with her.

 

Stay calm, confident, do not get baited......and then MOVE ON.

 

Who cares if she believes you or not? As long as your H does and YOU KNOW it's the truth, really, who cares?

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can not say what he remembered or not, you are not him.

 

You can say that you talked to him about what happened. Without your opinion of how much he remembers or not.

[BetrayedH]

As usual, I'm with Spark.

 

Give her the complete truth. Make it clear that this is a one-time offer to get the absolute truth because after this, you want to have no contact with them as you work on restoring your marriage.

 

After that, be done with them. If it gets nasty instead of productive, let her know that this conversation is about to end.

[Coolit]

So, i did it. I told her why I believe and know opposite of what her husband is saying. I gave her details on the stuff he denied and told her about certain conversations. I also gave her his secret email account and told her he has a hidden area on his phone. I knew I wa wasting my breath when it came to her believing me over her wanting to believe her H was innocent of cheatin on her... Again. But it felt good to have it said. And H and I agreed should any rumours get back to us we will put them down with the truth. And the truth is far more believable than his story.

 

But, i think she believes me even if she won't admit it. She turned nasty and replied with some purposefully hurtful comments. But I know the truth. And I know the comments were just her lashing out in pain. I gave her the truth and now it is up to her to accept it or ignore it.

 

So that is my update.

[BetrayedH]

So, i did it. I told her why I believe and know opposite of what her husband is saying. I gave her details on the stuff he denied and told her about certain conversations. I also gave her his secret email account and told her he has a hidden area on his phone. I knew I wa wasting my breath when it came to her believing me over her wanting to believe her H was innocent of cheatin on her... Again. But it felt good to have it said. And H and I agreed should any rumours get back to us we will put them down with the truth. And the truth is far more believable than his story.

 

But, i think she believes me even if she won't admit it. She turned nasty and replied with some purposefully hurtful comments. But I know the truth. And I know the comments were just her lashing out in pain. I gave her the truth and now it is up to her to accept it or ignore it.

 

So that is my update.

 

You absolutely did the right thing. And I think your decision to confront future lies with the truth is also a good one.

 

Well done.