I was the perfect husband

[thefatherof1]

I thought it could never happen to me. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my wife. Weve been married for 7 years; my wife is 32 and I 42. We had a good marriage. I provided her with a house new car and we soon had a baby boy. We were so happy. I feel that our age difference is a big part of or pending divorce. The stresses of paying bills, mortgages and raising children has been too much of a burden for her. When the market crashed in 08 my business crashed as well and consequently she had to get a job to make ends meet. One she started her job things changed between us. She wanted to be out with her friends more, wanted to live life more and basically the troubles began. A few years ago she told me that she had a crush with a colleague at work. She swears there was no affair but she acted like a sick puppy in love. Counseling followed and I basically forgave and forgot. After convincing me to sell my house for a more "family friendly house" i finally agreed because all I wanted to do was make her happy. House sold and we searched for months but due to a hot market and of inability to find the right house it didn't happen. We've been living at my parents house, her parents house and living out of suitcases. About a month ago we found the perfect house. It was in a good school distirict for our 3 year old, tree lined street and kids all around. The day after we went into escrow she told me she felt trapped and wanted to run away. Then she said she may want a divorce. All that came as a shock to say the least. We became distant, she lost weight, changed her dressing habits and became very secretive. Well, my nightmare has come true and now I have proof she is having an affair. OMG! What to do? I've never cheatted on her and it has never crossed my mind. Now she seems to be a lying, unfaithful wife who can't be trusted. I still love her but I don't think she loves me. I haven't confronted her yet but divorce seems imminent. Now i have no house, part time work and a cheating wife. My life is collasping and I don't know what to do.

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bobwhite007]

Sorry this is happening to you. Dont leave your house, make her leave. I'm not much on giving advice as my world is about as screwed up as yours. Welcome to the club.

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Misfortune]

You just can't please nor satisfy some people. No matter what now much you try, some people will cheat when they get the chance to. Sorry about this. You need to prep yourself for the coming divorce. She's probably setting up a new life before she leaves you.

 

I don't think that I'll ever understand the losing respect for people when they fall on hard times. Isn't that the time that the other spouse should take charge while the other recovers. What has relationships come to that someone can't even take some time be sad, depressed or w/e? It has to be perfection 24/7/365 or bust? Smh

Edited September 11, 2013 by Misfortune

[road]

If you want to fight and kill this affair to save your marriage get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

You bought the house, your name is on the deed then you go live in your house. Do not make it easy for WW to have her affair. Also leaving the house will hurt you legally if the divorce goes through. CS, Al's Money:lmao:, custody:sick:.

[Morgoth]

Also, if you have any assets prepare to give her half, child support for another 14 years, maybe alimony, etc. People should come to sites like this one and spend a few days reading before they enter into a legal binding contract.

[Zenstudent]

Sorry you are here. I understand you haven't confronted her yet?

 

You need to prepare yourself emotionally for confrontation, be sure to have evidence, secure the evidence you have. If you're certain that you'll divorce her, it's less important unless you live somewhere where adultry influences child support, spousal support, asset division etc.

 

Prepare for the cheater script which is "Deny, deny, deny... and when you can't deny anymore; minimize, minimize, gaslight and finally blameshift".

 

If you'll try to save your marriage, there are certain things she must be willing to do in order for you to go down that route. No matter which route you choose, you need to get tested for STDs.

 

Do you have any relatives or friends you can trust and who can support you?

[96nole]

Now she seems to be a lying, unfaithful wife who can't be trusted.

Change this to: Now she IS a lying, unfaithful wife who can't be trusted.

I'm sorry but the cold hard truth is this marriage is over. She emotionally left a while ago. She feels "trapped" because she wants to live like a single person. Being married with a child can be pretty unexciting at times. But things with the OM are new and exciting and he is telling her everything she wants to hear.

 

If and when you do confront her, she will deny it. Then she will minimize it. Then she will blame you for it. Don't accept any of it. This is all on her.

 

If she thinks she wants a divorce, give it to her. Now is the time for you to be a complete and total hard ass. You have to think about you and your child. She will NOT do anything in your best interest. She is only thinking about herself. Don't talk to her about anything other than your child. Don't show her any emotion. As others have posted, look up the 180 and do it.

 

Go get a lawyer ASAP. And make sure it is one that deals with divorce. Not any lawyer will do. Find out about your rights, what to expect, and how to protect yourself and your child.

[Chi townD]

Funny thing about affairs...the dude is telling her everything she wants to hear, because to him, she's an easy piece of ass. But, if she starts talking about leaving you and bringing a kid into the picture...well, a lot of them didn't sign up for a ready made family.

 

Some WW get so far into the fog that they literally let the BS become the custodial parent because they don't want a kid cramping their single lifestyle.

 

So, considering that she may be out of the house and a possibility that since she's currently the breadwinner, she may have to pay you for support as well as child support. If she wins custody or even split custody, she can't have the single lifestyle that she wants because she's have the kid half the time.

 

Also, if you know who the guy is, you can get a RO out on the guy stating that he can't be around your kid until the divorced is finalized. It would be too confusing for the kid and I have yet to see a family court argue against this.

[turnera]

Most people shouldn't get married at 25. They will eventually find their independence and want to have fun with it.

 

That said, she made a commitment.

 

If you want to save the marriage, the first thing you have to do is tell her you want her to stop (don't give up your sources). If she refuses, the second thing you have to do is expose the affair to the people whose respect she craves and ask them to help you end the affair; tell them you'll honor her wishes if, after a period of time without a third person involved, she still wants to leave, but he is clouding her mind currently. Also find out if he's married and tell his wife and his parents so they can help end the affair on his end.

 

She'll be mad, that's good. Let her be upset about her fantasy being burst. Sit back and see if they decide to end the affair or carry on anyway.

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[turnera]

You didn't move out, did you? Or did you guys never move into the new house?

[harrybrown]

Confront her already. You need to show her that you are a man not a mouse. You are not a doormat. Have respect for yourself, she is not respecting you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most people shouldn't get married at 25. They will eventually find their independence and want to have fun with it.

Not only that but, when married, she was 25 and the OP was 35. That is normally worlds apart...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Misfortune]

"For better or for worse...." or is it "Only better or it's over"?

 

When worse comes a knocking, a lot of people take the same route as your wife; it's a sad sight and experience for the BS. You were the breadwinner, you fell on hard times, she had to step up to support the family until things get better and she decides to disrespect you because of it? Makes sense

 

Some young people want the older and more "mature"(well off in their life and seem have a "Gold Digger Needed" sign on there heads) folks, until the going gets tough and they now have to take the reigns; too much pressure for the little ones.

Edited September 11, 2013 by Misfortune

[Darren Steez]

OMG! GAD! (Get a divorce)

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thefatherof1]

I want to thank you all of you for your advice and support. I should be clear and say I don't have proof. In going on instinct and my life is falling apart as we speak. It feels like my wife is going to leave me soon. If she is cheating then I feel I have no choice. Today she was very nice to me and we we had unch together. I thought to myself that maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm risking everything on a hunch and which will will rip my family apart. Before I know it were meeting with our realtor and looking at a condo in the city. She says it's perfect for us and will be affordable. We signed papers today and went into contact. I feel like a zombie walking through life. Should i tell her my feelings? What am I doing? Am I trying to save something that is unsaveable? I don't know what to do. I haven't eaten or slept well in weeks. I can't function.

[Misfortune]

I want to thank you all of you for your advice and support. I should be clear and say I don't have proof. In going on instinct and my life is falling apart as we speak. It feels like my wife is going to leave me soon. If she is cheating then I feel I have no choice. Today she was very nice to me and we we had unch together. I thought to myself that maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I'm risking everything on a hunch and which will will rip my family apart. Before I know it were meeting with our realtor and looking at a condo in the city. She says it's perfect for us and will be affordable. We signed papers today and went into contact. I feel like a zombie walking through life. Should i tell her my feelings? What am I doing? Am I trying to save something that is unsaveable? I don't know what to do. I haven't eaten or slept well in weeks. I can't function.

 

Your proof is your gut feeling? I would hold off on getting a place with her and such until my uneasiness have eased up.

[bubbaganoosh]

Did you buy the house and buying a condo? If you are, why? I know you need a house but if she wants a divorce and your gut is telling you that she's cheating, why put yourself in more hot water? Yeah you need a place to live and if she's stepping out on you, do not leave that house. Part of her punishment if what you say is true is for her to leave. Before you confront her you better have proof. A gut feeling isn't going to hold up but your gut feeling is for the most part right.

[Dolphono]

"For better or for worse...." or is it "Only better or it's over"?

 

Got that right... "It's for better or for even MORE BETTER"...

"For worse" is "OMG" like soooo 50's... Lmao

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

She set you up to steal the new house from you. This, at least, went back to the time your wife wanted to get a bigger house.

 

Do you really think that you buying the house and her deciding to leave right afterwards is a coincidence? You've been had, man.

 

This is a good lesson for other men that are considering marriage though.

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

You need to gather proof while not tipping your hand that you suspect anything.

 

Ninety percent of the time, our gut is right and we talk ourselves out of it because we love and trust the person. We ignore our blink.

 

Don't do it.

 

if you do not have a job, or claim to have lost your job, you will not get a mortgage and that is the only reason to get out of a real estate contract. Generally, your down payment is returned.

 

Go along but make no LIFE altering decisions, and that includes home buying, while you sort out the truth of your marriage. You have suspicions? Investigate them fully before you confront anything.

 

She wants a divorce one day, but then wants to buy a condo the next?

 

Man, what are you doing?

[BeholdtheMan]

I was the perfect husband

I don't know if you've been the perfect husband, but so far, you've definitely been the perfect doormat. Yeah, I'm not here to put a salve onto your wounds, I'm giving you the truth.

 

Your behaviour so far has been screaming weakness and spinelessness to your wife. The first time she had a crush on some other guy, you forgave her just like that?

 

The message you gave her is "I have no balls, you can cheat on me and get away with barely a slap on the wrist". I say "cheat" because you don't know whether she banged the guy. She told you she didn't, but a lot of cheaters lie to minimise damage. You have no idea whether they had sex.

 

You need to man the fu** up. Grow a pair of balls. Take action. Stop with all this "Woe is me, my life is falling apart" drama queen nonsense. MAN THE FU** UP.

 

You have two choices...

 

1) Lie low, lull her into a false sense of security, snoop and gather evidence (hire a private investigator if you have to)

 

or

 

2) Confront her right now. If she is cheating, she'll deny it. The only reason you'd want to confront her right now is if you think your marriage is already dead, i.e. you don't care if she's actually cheating, you just know that her heart isn't in it (for instance, just using you for financial support)

[turnera]

If she IS cheating, you still have a chance to save the marriage - by getting proof of it, confronting her, and, if she refuses to end it, exposing it to her VIPS and his family.

[Realist3]

If you want to fight and kill this affair to save your marriage get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

You bought the house, your name is on the deed then you go live in your house. Do not make it easy for WW to have her affair. Also leaving the house will hurt you legally if the divorce goes through. CS, Al's Money:lmao:, custody:sick:.

 

 

He doesn't have a house.

[Steadfast]

I have proof she is having an affair.

 

The first thing you need to do is be consistent.

 

I should be clear and say I don't have proof

 

She's dressing sexy, being secretive, crushing on other guys and tells you she feels trapped? This started when she went back to work and now she may want a divorce? Is this really her, or more of you concise journalism?

 

Advice: if a woman tells you she might want a divorce the only course of action is to agree and give her one. No talking, pleading, hoping, buying or wishing. It will hurt. It will cause stress but any woman that says that has checked out. Love goes both ways, not one. She is gone.

 

Move on and seek happiness elsewhere. It's for the best.

[turnera]

Not necessarily. I told my DH I wanted a divorce because of the marriage as is and said if he doesn't go to therapy, I would pursue one.