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my husband and his first love


goldencloud

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hi,

 

this is bit of a strange story so i hope you can bear with me. i married my husband nearly 3 years ago. i can honestly say in our relationship before marriage, i had never been happier.

 

however upon marriage, i fell into a deep depression(im diagnosed bipolar), and things just didn't seem as wonderful as i once thought. i do believe a lot of this stemmed from the fact that we had A LOT of issues, not between us so much but circumstancial i.e family, finances, we were young when we married. i struggled alot and to be honest, he was always there for me and we managed to work our way out. i too supported him greatly.

 

i always entertained ideas of another man and another existence but somehow could never get myself to do anything about it, that and i was 100 percent committed to him and knew these feelings of 'grass is greener on other side' were illusory as i left my ex bf for these reasons and regretted it for years afterward. i didn't want to repeat the same mistakes.

 

however about 2 years into our marriage, my husband started working very long hours (not an excuse for my upcoming behaviour). at this point, i fell into one of the worst episodes of depression i have ever had. i was seeing a psychiatrist, and was put on very heavy drugs that in retrospect i feel were not the right ones. i drank extremely heavily, and pretty much became a party animal, always out, always drinking, always spending etc.

 

one night in the midst of my insane drinking, i slept with another married man who is a friend of mine. worst part, i know his wife. my initial reaction after it happened was shock. while it was happening the night before, i didn't care at all, nor do i remember much of the encounter.

 

following this i continued to go out mroe and more, drink more and more, fall deeper and deeper into depression(mixing drink and my perscription drugs). my husband never questioned me, but i could tell it affected him. we always had fights about my drinking etc, but i told him that my life was my life and thats it. i didn't care AT ALL what he thought, i couldnt even FEEL him as a person.

 

i slept with 4 other men, most of them married. i didn't care at all what i was doing. i gained alot of weight and nothing stopped. until one day i realised how deeply unhappy i was in life, and what i was doing.

 

i told my husband to leave me alone( he found some of my msges to a friend stating how miserable i was). he left. i thought this was what i wanted and i started to rebuild my life. we started attending counseling. my poor husband regardless of how much i put him through still wanted to work at our marriage (he never found out about my infidelities).

 

this was all 4 months ago, we did counseling, we worked out where we went wrong in marriage. i got a new psychiatrist who put me on different meds and its been a work in progress since but i stopped ALL my self destructive behaviour. i realised the DEPTH to which i screwed up. how i almost lost this most amazing man.

 

anyways first forward, 1 month ago, my husband announces that he wants to get in contact with his ex( his first love). i said, that cool. they met and he said it was great to catch up after 6 years and to make ammends for the horrible way they ended. they always shared a good friendship but their harsh end ruined any friendship.

 

anyway, he had said he d never see her again( i never told him what to do, under the light of all ive done, who am i to advise). i had a feeling they were still meeting and turns out i was right. he confessed that meeting her brought back feelings but more so made him realise how ****ty our marriage had been.

 

i guess it all caught up with him. he never ever told me he was unhappy before, even when i pushed him. suddenly he was.

 

this went on for a week, and i went bat sh*t crazy as i felt SO HORRIBLY INSECURE AND SCARED i would loose this man. believe me, i KNOW how much i screwed up. i also know how hypocritical it is of me to even feel the way i did. however the difference is, these men never meant anything to me. and also no matter how much i begged he stopped seeing her he wouldnt. it was an emotional conenction, nothing physcial happened. of this im sure, so please don't ask how i know but trust i do.

 

after a week of this, he told me he needed several hours to really think whether our relationship was what he wanted. i knew he needed this but it didnt take away the pain. ive never felt that way, how could i have ever ever pushed this man away? what was i THINKING when i screwed up SO SO SO BADLY?! i know some of u might resent me for not coming clean about my own affairs, but honestly i would never do it again. i dont even RECOGNISE myself from that time. my own brother didn't even recognise me, i was a crazy mess.

however i will accept the anger some of you may express, i know i deserve it.

 

so, after the several hours, he called and said he was coming home. he knew i was the love of his lfie, and whilst residual feelings came back for his ex, he believed they were triggers to what we we going through and also a reminder of how easy it was with her.

 

he cut all contact with her. however i cant stop thinking about it. im so insecure one day he'll leave again. she was the greatest love of his life before me. he says he adores me, wants only me, that these things happen. he says he just wants our marriage. i blamed everything on myself, even tho he doesnt know about my horrible affairs, i still blamed myself and alleviated his guilt.

 

im sorry if this msg is all over the place. i guess what im trying to ask is, how do i stop this insecurity he'll leave? i finally realise how much i LOVE HIM, love him to the depth and core of my bones. it makes me feel so vulnerable, and idea id lose him would kill me. he's sick of discuss my constant 'feelings' and wants to drop this whole topic. it isn't easy living with a bipolar spouse.

 

i've done everything to redeem myself(short of telling the truth). how do i learn to believe him? any advise will do, even harsh. i just want to wake up. things have been SO GOOD BETWEEN us for the past while. im scared

Edited by goldencloud
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also, most of my old 'lovers' don't live in this country. they travel through. they email me, i dont respond. however im scared to tell them its over. it is, but i feel an 'obligation'? i guess because in my insanity i told him my marriage is over, how unhappy i am, we commiserated over our miserable marriages etc.

 

why do i feel an obligation and where is this fear coming from? its so stupid, but as long am im already here, figure i might as well ask.

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Philosoraptor

First you tell him the truth. Your relationship is a lie right now and until all the cards are on the table, this will not be a healthy relationship. Because of your infidelity and issues he emotionally distanced himself a bit.

 

You also are "scared" to tell these other men it's over. The only person you owe any alliegance to is your husband. I offer you no anger, but pity for both you and your husband. What a sad situation you have created here. A relationship with a fake foundation is one that will continue to be full of insecurity and lies. It won't be until you come clean that the two of you will have any opportunity to salvage anything. Until then the trust in this relationship will be broken and you'll both be living a lie.

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Speakingofwhich
also, most of my old 'lovers' don't live in this country. they travel through. they email me, i dont respond. however im scared to tell them its over. it is, but i feel an 'obligation'? i guess because in my insanity i told him my marriage is over, how unhappy i am, we commiserated over our miserable marriages etc.

 

why do i feel an obligation and where is this fear coming from? its so stupid, but as long am im already here, figure i might as well ask.

 

Tell any/all of your old lovers it's over. You have no obligation to them. Block them from your email account and from your phone. You are with the man of your dreams and the only obligation(s) you have are to him.

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i thank you for your response. i know its hard to understand, but no good would come at all from telling him. i know he would leave me. no doubt about it. that and the 'rules' for where i live are very different and where this to come into light, it might become a criminal issues.

 

however, more than that, i honestly won't tell him. i cant expect anyone to understand( heck, i wouldnt understand myself either), but what happened those months is totally separate from who i am now (now that ive myself again). i was smashed in every way possible, and suicidal most of the time.

 

thankfully with the help of God and a good psychiatrist, ive become better. i still suffer from deep depression but far FAR better than where i was.

 

before all this, i did tell my husband that i did things i was not proud of and were not how a wife should be. however before i could continue, he told me he did not want to know and wanted to wipe the slate clean.

 

the question is, how do i rise above it? how do i BELIEVE my husband loves only me? he says he will always care about his ex. this makes me so insecure. i know he has every right to. i still care about my ex too. however id never watch my husband cry and tell me to stop talking to him and still do it ( even though he did cut it). i know i sound all shades of hypocrticial. i really am not. i screwed up. i screwed up badly with my husband, my friends, family and life. i want to redeem. i have been given a chance, but how do i believe he wont do this again? i realise how much i love him, it scares me to death. also i want the strength to not feel 'bad' for cutting these men out. i feel weak.

Edited by goldencloud
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Don't you think he has a right to know?

You claim to love him but you can't even be honest with him.

You're living a lie.

No wonder you don't trust him, if this is your yardstick for reasonable, rational and respectable behaviour. You treat him like a piece of sh*t, therefore you assume he is treating you the same.

 

If you can't tell him then just give him his freedom. He deserves better than to be lied to again and again and again every day for the rest of his life. Just say you don't think the marriage can work and it's over.

Edited by PegNosePete
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i thank you for your response. i know its hard to understand, but no good would come at all from telling him. i know he would leave me. no doubt about it. that and the 'rules' for where i live are very different and where this to come into light, it might become a criminal issues.

 

however, more than that, i honestly won't tell him. i cant expect anyone to understand( heck, i wouldnt understand myself either), but what happened those months is totally separate from who i am now (now that ive myself again). i was smashed in every way possible, and suicidal most of the time.

 

thankfully with the help of God and a good psychiatrist, ive become better. i still suffer from deep depression but far FAR better than where i was.

 

before all this, i did tell my husband that i did things i was not proud of and were not how a wife should be. however before i could continue, he told me he did not want to know and wanted to wipe the slate clean.

 

the question is, how do i rise above it? how do i BELIEVE my husband loves only me? he says he will always care about his ex. this makes me so insecure. i know he has every right to. i still care about my ex too. however id never watch my husband cry and tell me to stop talking to him and still do it ( even though he did cut it). i know i sound all shades of hypocrticial. i really am not. i screwed up. i screwed up badly with my husband, my friends, family and life. i want to redeem. i have been given a chance, but how do i believe he wont do this again? i realise how much i love him, it scares me to death. also i want the strength to not feel 'bad' for cutting these men out. i feel weak.

 

OK...so making amends, being honest about what you did doesn't matter...but you want to know how to deal with how your husband hurt you?

 

Non-sequiter.

 

You probably need to take this to professional counseling. The advice you get here is just going to be more of the same as what you've already received and discarded.

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very valid points. all of them. i pormise you, im not discarding any advise. ive taken everything on board. you cant imagine how terrible i was to him. however, and perhaps this is VERY difficult to understand, i do believe there are times that is is not necessary to disclose just for the sake of disclosure even it it makes 'logical' sense. i love my husband, beyond words. i messed up, and ill spend my entire life atoning for it. i had asked him in an hypothetical sphere what he thought of this situation(with all details included but in a 'hypothethical' world). i asked him if he'd want to know if he was the husband. he said no. he said as long as it was in past, and she deeply remorseful, he wouldnt want to know.

 

i know how crazy that must sound to most of you, but different people, different cultures and perspectives. i seriously am not trying to excuse myself for my horrendous actions, i live with them everyday and i AM HAPPY to attone for them because i deserve all this guilt.

 

i guess this question doesnt make sense anymore. i just was scared id lose him.

 

on a side note, all this advise and thoughts are helping me!

Edited by goldencloud
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Betrayed&Stayed
i thank you for your response. i know its hard to understand, but no good would come at all from telling him. i know he would leave me. no doubt about it. that and the 'rules' for where i live are very different and where this to come into light, it might become a criminal issues.

 

however, more than that, i honestly won't tell him. i cant expect anyone to understand( heck, i wouldnt understand myself either), but what happened those months is totally separate from who i am now (now that ive myself again).

 

It's all about you, isn't it? If you refuse to tell him the truth, then the very least you can do is divorce him and let him find a woman that will love him and treat him with respect. As it stands, your marriage is an illusion. Your marriage will continue to be built on a house of cards until this is all out in the open between you and your husband. The foundation of your marriage is based on lies, distrust, insecurities, multiple sex partners, substance abuse, and manipulation.

 

So far very decision you've made is about what is best for you and you only. If he leaves you, then that is his decision. He has the right to know who he is married to.

 

You really want redemption? There is NO redemption without honesty, truth, and humility. Without the truth, your "redemption" will only be cheap redemption (which is not redemption at all, but another lie you'll keep telling yourself).

 

i love my husband, beyond words. i messed up, and ill spend my entire life atoning for it.

 

You keep saying how much you love your husband; I don't believe you. Your ACTIONS say otherwise. Your actions indicate that you only love yourself. Your self-preservation is much more important than your husband.

 

You sound very remorseful. Because of that, I don't think you will ever have any peace until you disclose all of this to your husband. The guilt will only eat you up. Most people believe that confession is a prerequisite for atonement, otherwise it really isn't atonement. It's still shrouded in deception and lies, and that's not how atonement works.

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M8, if you don't cut out the whinging and flapping, well, change the subjects, pronto, all too self-absorbed, look, he's your partner, not your shrink, plan a happy tomorrow, now, please, you messed up, but -

 

confession would pain him, destructive unkindness, then, plan a happy tomorrow instead :)

Edited by darkmoon
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By refusing to tell your husband ( and thinking that you have made amends without actually telling him is ridiculous ) you have shown that you really don't respect your husband at all.

 

 

This poor man.... what have you put him through.... and its STILL all about you.

Edited by Keenly
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I think right now you need to focus on you and being the best, healthiest partner you can be.

 

Would you date you today? would you marry you today?

 

If you offered the truth and he wants to move forward, then move forward with you! get strong, get right.

 

There are NO guarantees. he made a choice to stay with you so make every day count.

 

What do you bring to the table? Are you easy and fun to be with? Easy to talk to? partners have to make efforts to keep a relationship alive and exciting.

 

Get healthy please for you and for him and for the relationship.

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Hey

Thanks all for your responses. I appreciate you taking time to respond to a perfect stranger. I know I messed up but maybe its me but I dont think a persln can be defined by several axtions or horrible mistakes as I did. Saying I dont respect and love him now is wrong. As all good ppl arent the same, neither are cheaters.

I moved across the world for this man, I gave up a great career to go to a city where I was not only without work and family and friends. He never forced me to do thia, I did it because I love him. I stood by him through family crisis, through him leaving a very lucrative career and leaving us now in financial insecurity. I never made him feel bad and did nothing but support him. I messed up. Good ppl mess up sometimes. I know it but I also know telling him would do nothing but shatter something v good we had before I screwed up royally.

I love this man more than anything. I know this soinds crazy to many of u. I respect and adore him and will spend every day of my life trying to make him happy. I guess if there is anything to take from my post, whether or not u agree, is that cheaters arent all one shade of black.

And as for telling the truth, yes id agree if I didnt know to the extent that im sorry and horribly emorseful of what I did. Frankly if I left him id have all the sipport in the world and alot of financial stability cause of my family. I dont want to. I chose him and only him. There is a difference between not telling the truth and returning to a love I take for granted and a love that means more to me (now that I see) than anything else.

Agajn thank u thank u

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Just know that when it finally does come out the damage will be 10x worse because you didn't come forward. Much harder to regain trust at that point.

 

You will never truly be connected with him because of this secret. You won't feel he loves the real you, he doesn't even know who that is. You've tricked him.

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Regardless of your change in meds, you haven't gotten any better. You're still a liar.

 

You do not "know" that your husband would leave you. Are you aware that statistically over 80% of men will initially stay after infidelity? Did you know that you literally double your chances of reconciliation when you voluntarily disclose your affair rather than having it discovered? By the way, I noticed that your husband sounds like one of the forgiving ones.

 

Everyone wants to think their situation is "different." We read it here everyday. News flash...they're almost all the same. Cheaters everywhere use almost exactly the same rationalizations. Thinking you're the exception IS the rule. The fact is that you can either keep digging further into the rabbit hole or you can start digging your way out.

 

You'll know that your wayward behavior is coming to an end when you start embracing an honest and authentic life. Until then, you're lying to yourself and to your husband. Your marriage will remain a sham and you can expect your anxiety to continue because you haven't solved the underlying problem.

Edited by BetrayedH
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First, I would go for a psych evaluation and ask to be evaluated for Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder is commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar, and many people have both (comorbid).

 

The reason I say this is because your extreme "I will die without him" feelings when he communicated with an old lover ignited a "fear of abandonment" in you that is a common Borderline symptom. You did not care about him when you were lost in yourself, but now him leaving will kill you. You also have self destructive behavior, substance abuse issues, etc. Many Borderlines are incorrectly diagnosed with Bipolar and some medications can actually make things worse.

 

Regardless of whether you are Bipolar or BPD or both, you need to get your medication and treatment plan in order, or else you will never have the capacity to be a good partner to your husband. Don't get treatment just to prove yourself to him- do it for yourself.

 

I also agree that if you genuinely want a real, intimate, honest relationship with your husband, then you should tell him the truth. All of it.

 

However, it sounds to me like you are not really interested in having a true honest bond with him- your main concern is getting him to stay. So I think you will keep your secrets, as your fear of abandonment is too strong for you to risk honesty.

 

I think you need to get healthy. Your poor husband has been there for you while you acted out. He supported you through your mental illness & depression. He tried to get you to stop drinking. I'm sure he had many sleepless nights worrying about you. This instability becomes "normal" for partners of bipolar or borderlines.

 

Now that your husband has corresponded with this woman, he is likely thinking, "Our marriage is not normal or healthy". He is seeing you and your relationship through a different lens. He realizes now that he doesn't have to tolerate this kind of behavior.

 

All of the begging and promising to change isn't going to mean a thing if you don't get the right treatment for yourself going forward. You have to continue the treatment, as well. You can't just stop when you feel better (hopefully you already know this).

Edited by Quiet Storm
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You need to tell him about the other men. Personally, I've never really cared much about most of the possible reasons for confessing infidelity, because they focus too much on the cheater or on other things/people that should be secondary in consideration to one very important person: the one that's been betrayed.

 

It's quite simple. You need to tell him because HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.

 

More specifically, he has a right to make decisions about the course of HIS life armed with all of the relevant information. Right now, you're keeping critical information from him, and thereby continuing to be dishonest and deceitful towards him, for your own selfish reasons ("he'll leave me", etc.). In short, you're making decisions about his life that are NOT YOURS TO MAKE.

 

It's certainly highly unfortunate that the "relevant information" you're keeping from him is the fact that you cheated on him with multiple men. The fact that you were very psychologically messed up when it happened can be seen as a mitigating factor. But again, whether or not it mitigates the damage enough to save the marriage is HIS DECISION. Not yours.

 

The longer you go on without telling him, the longer you're allowing and perpetrating the existence of a false marriage based on lies. And if you never tell him, that's all you'll ever have.

 

Your marriage may end, no doubt about it. There's no way to be sure it won't. But at least you'll be able to start off on the next segment of your life's journey, whatever that may be, without being burdened by ongoing deceit.

 

I wish you the best, and I hope you'll do the right thing.

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I agree with everyone advising you to come clean to your husband, and the sooner the better. He may divorce you or he may decide to give you another chance but either way it's for him to decide, not you.

 

You talk about the overwhelming, intense fear you have that if you tell him he will leave you and then ask us how to get over it. Well, when someone hides a secret this wrong, this devastating from their spouse the intense guilt is going to come out in different ways. Irrational fears, panic attacks, over-eating, depression - you name it. This is what keeping a betrayal of this magnitude from your husband is doing and will continue to do to you. You are not going to get off scot-free.

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It would be most helpful if you would find peace within yourself. All of this external distraction with what your husband is doing doesn't matter. Being all needy and frazzled from these meaningless events is keeping you from being a healthy person, someone that your H can depend on to be ok enough to be able to help him. He may need someone to pick him up when he gets weak and cannot stand on his own. Could he then depend on you to be strong?

 

Work on peace within yourself, in the meantime fake it until you make it that you are ok and standing strong in your own right. Work closely with your doctors to make sure the meds aren't causing more trouble than they are solving. Use self help groups for strength and resolve. Be kind to yourself, be grateful for each hour that you don't have to drink. Leave all the past behind, start from where you are. That distraction on telling your H or not, you made your decision so leave that distraction in the past too. You can always change your mind later but for now the important thing is to make sure that your body is as clear of toxins as possible so you can feel ok and think. Get some exercise, do healthy, kind things for yourself and your H, and always love thyself. You need that before you can love your husband.

 

Jonah

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thanks everyone for all your words. i know many of you are on the train of thought that unless i confess, it's a life and love of lies and a true relationship will never be regained. i respectfully disagree. reason being, one of many, i think this is more a cultural difference(perhaps a more so 'confess everything' contemporary mentality). the way i see it, i could have been a ever faithful wife, yet in an unsatisfying marriage and just gone on with it, without expressing my thoughts or dissatisfaction. or in my case, i could be a wife who genuinely adored her husband, did everything to make him happy, messed up GREATLY during a particular period, realised her err and knew she d never do anything of this kind. in my relationship before, and now, everything i do, i do with him in mind, yes i messed up, but can those mistakes(ok fine maybe not mistakes as no one pushed me on any penis) detract from all the love and support i gave him before?

 

im not trying to think simplistically and assume there are only two options ie unsatisifed faithful wife vs very happy yet messed up wife. i know there are many marriages in which both parties are wonderful people, very happy and none of this drudgery ever occurs.

 

what i'm trying to say is that we are all human, we mess up. sin is great. i dont mean this from a religious perspective but moreso a human one. i know ill probably get blasted for even saying this because its 'all about me and im not seeing what i did to my poor husband' bla bla. i do, i do realise how greatly i f**ked up. however i also know that without me he would NOT be where he is today. i gave up everything (and gladly so) to support him and love him so that he could realise his dreams and i take not resentment or anything to assuming to just because i sinned(erred/messed up INTENTIONALLY...i will not lie, all along i knew it was wrong, just didnt seem to care), as meaning that everything else meant nothing.

 

on same note, i guess, perhaps in my case, because my cheating was with several ppl, i can see why many would disagree. i guess what im trying to say is..if there is anything to get from my post is, people really should (when i say ppl i say more so in the north american/western world) stop rushing ppl to just 'confess' even when the mistake was a one time HORRENDOUS mistake just for the sake of confessing. we all make mistakes in life whether relationship, family, career etc and whilst i believe NO ONE should ever lead a fake existance, i do believe, that a confession must have the right PURPOSE and post intention.

 

even in love, we are not infallible. i know i f**cked up. believe me i do. i have a lot of work to do with myself, and im on way to achieve that. however, i do wish i never knew about my husband and his ex. even without my infidelities, i would have said the same. reason being, we are all human, we err, however its the action we take after that counts.

 

he wanted us, me. even though i messed up so bad. but we're only human.

 

i can already see myself getting attacked for this post lol and thats fine. if there is anything to gauge it's that, do not rush to one size fits all solutions. regardless of any issues i have, my husband is the one i love. even if it seems strange because in my insane hours i f**cked other men. he's the one i loved all these years, supported, pepp-ed talked etc and im the woman he tells everyone he'd never be half the man he was today without me.

 

and yes, i may have outwardly sinned but there are many things he did too. and im not trying to say one idiot move justifies another. im just saying, for anyone, forget mine, please be careful when you implore words like 'CONFESS ALLL!!! CONFESS NOW!!!'....

 

tales are different.

Edited by goldencloud
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it's only going to be matter of before H learns of your affairs if he hasn't already. Soon his ex is going to be enabling him to leave you. Support to leave fostered by outsiders will likely lead in a separation of some kind. Better tell him before he learns of the affair.

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thanks everyone for all your words. ALLL!!! CONFESS NOW!!!'....

 

tales are different.

 

Oh my, all the confusion! All of that is an illusion, you're not going to figure it out so stop trying. Stick to working on the health of your body and mind. Keep it simple, do the next right thing. One year from now you may have the mental fortitude to make a decision. Till then just let it go and stop thinking about all that meaningless drama.

 

Some person that lived in the past had some sex. What does that have to do with right now other than your letting it cloud your mind? Where do these events exist except in your mind? It almost seems like you are taking some pleasure in all the drama. But if your not then by all means it didn't happen. You are who you are today. You are not who you were yesterday. Stand tall with your head held high.

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  • 1 year later...
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Just an update for anyone that's interested PLUS it might help any wayward spouses that planned on keeping their infidelity secret.

 

We just divorced this week. You were right, the lies started to eat me alive. Beyond the lies, the deep deep guilt. I'd look at him and guilt would just overtake me. I disconnected even more from him and as a result our marriage suffered. Intimacy became nothing because it was no longer intimate as I had been with others behind his back. So, we disconnected.

 

I started to judge him and compare him but yet I was too selfish to just leave him. I was scared to be alone and I felt he was 'perfect', why would I leave? Intrinsically I was only thinking of myself. What I did then was sort myself out ( thank you to the posters that recommended I get psychologically on my feet before decision), that took me about 6 months. At this point I realised, I could either tell him the truth or I would leave him. I chose to leave him. I screwed up so badly, and our relationship wasn't good and it was painful.

 

I told him I needed to leave because we weren't working ( we really weren't for a long time), that it wasn't him, that it was me and I couldn't stay in this marriage. That I know I hurt him, and did things I'm not proud about and I can't stay. He was in disbelief. We eventually divorced but the lesson is all this is, no matter how 'bad' things could have been between us, he NEVER deserved what I did. Yes, I never told him so I felt I had no choice but to leave him. Believe me, for anyone doing what I did ( or even a version of it), it WILL come back to haunt you. I WAS a bad person, and no matter what issues I had, he ( NOBODY) deserves what I did to him.

 

I told him I wanted nothing from him. I left him the house/car/and at court stated I wanted absolutely nothing from him ( we have a cojoined business). It's really hard now but I need to start from scratch and I'd rather shoot myself than hurt him more.

 

I only pray I can forgive myself and I sincerely hope he goes on to find a deserving love and happiness.

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Just an update for anyone that's interested PLUS it might help any wayward spouses that planned on keeping their infidelity secret.

 

We just divorced this week. You were right, the lies started to eat me alive. Beyond the lies, the deep deep guilt. I'd look at him and guilt would just overtake me. I disconnected even more from him and as a result our marriage suffered. Intimacy became nothing because it was no longer intimate as I had been with others behind his back. So, we disconnected.

 

I started to judge him and compare him but yet I was too selfish to just leave him. I was scared to be alone and I felt he was 'perfect', why would I leave? Intrinsically I was only thinking of myself. What I did then was sort myself out ( thank you to the posters that recommended I get psychologically on my feet before decision), that took me about 6 months. At this point I realised, I could either tell him the truth or I would leave him. I chose to leave him. I screwed up so badly, and our relationship wasn't good and it was painful.

 

I told him I needed to leave because we weren't working ( we really weren't for a long time), that it wasn't him, that it was me and I couldn't stay in this marriage. That I know I hurt him, and did things I'm not proud about and I can't stay. He was in disbelief. We eventually divorced but the lesson is all this is, no matter how 'bad' things could have been between us, he NEVER deserved what I did. Yes, I never told him so I felt I had no choice but to leave him. Believe me, for anyone doing what I did ( or even a version of it), it WILL come back to haunt you. I WAS a bad person, and no matter what issues I had, he ( NOBODY) deserves what I did to him.

 

I told him I wanted nothing from him. I left him the house/car/and at court stated I wanted absolutely nothing from him ( we have a cojoined business). It's really hard now but I need to start from scratch and I'd rather shoot myself than hurt him more.

 

I only pray I can forgive myself and I sincerely hope he goes on to find a deserving love and happiness.

 

This is messed up on so many levels, you were selfish right to the end. So instead of telling him you walked away leaving him to believe that HE failed.

 

All that shoot yourself stuff is crap. You simply can't face what you did, and ran away like a coward.

 

And I'm fWW

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