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This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair  -  111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

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Hmmmm.

 

How Cheaters and The Other Woman/Man Copes | Samusings

 

The cheater who has a split-self affair is someone who separates rationality from their emotions. Rationally, they want to do the right thing because that is what they were taught to do, even if it means sacrificing their own emotional desires, wants, and needs. As these individuals get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep their emotional (and even sexual) needs at bay. These people are usually very successful in every way – they are educated, have great careers, and are extremely bright and ambitious, but they may have had to keep their emotions at bay growing up…because that’s just what you do, you do the “right thing” for your mother, for your family, for society, for your wife/husband. In their mind, they don’t know how to combine the thing that they think is the right thing with their emotional needs, thus, an affair ends up being the result because one person takes care of the rational part(s) of their mind, and the other person takes care of the emotional (and/or sexual) needs they have. The partner/spouse is usually representative of the mother or father whom they had to either please (or do what the parent felt was right for them), while either stifling their emotions and/or denying themselves some of the things they may have wanted and/or needed. And this is how a cheater (in a split-self affair) copes – this person NEEDS the affair. Until they learn how to combine what they believe is right with what they need emotionally, they will continue to fall into this pattern. While I was doing this research, I found it fascinating that all of the therapists insist that the spouse/partner in the affair should NOT end the affair! If the spouse in this situation has knowledge of the affair, this is the biggest obstacle they must overcome; they have to allow their partner to continue the connection because it is beneficial to their partner…if they truly love them. The rationale behind this is that the affair partner has invested in the third party person emotionally and is now bonded to them, so to ask them to break that bond would be too devastating; it is, after all, a relationship that they have been needing and wanting since childhood but are either too afraid to have or convince themselves that it doesn’t have as much value as the “right thing”. The bottom line of how this particular cheater copes…having the affair is exactly how they cope!

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
Hmmmm.

 

How Cheaters and The Other Woman/Man Copes | Samusings

 

The cheater who has a split-self affair is someone who separates rationality from their emotions. Rationally, they want to do the right thing because that is what they were taught to do, even if it means sacrificing their own emotional desires, wants, and needs. As these individuals get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep their emotional (and even sexual) needs at bay. These people are usually very successful in every way – they are educated, have great careers, and are extremely bright and ambitious, but they may have had to keep their emotions at bay growing up…because that’s just what you do, you do the “right thing” for your mother, for your family, for society, for your wife/husband. In their mind, they don’t know how to combine the thing that they think is the right thing with their emotional needs, thus, an affair ends up being the result because one person takes care of the rational part(s) of their mind, and the other person takes care of the emotional (and/or sexual) needs they have. The partner/spouse is usually representative of the mother or father whom they had to either please (or do what the parent felt was right for them), while either stifling their emotions and/or denying themselves some of the things they may have wanted and/or needed. And this is how a cheater (in a split-self affair) copes – this person NEEDS the affair. Until they learn how to combine what they believe is right with what they need emotionally, they will continue to fall into this pattern. While I was doing this research, I found it fascinating that all of the therapists insist that the spouse/partner in the affair should NOT end the affair! If the spouse in this situation has knowledge of the affair, this is the biggest obstacle they must overcome; they have to allow their partner to continue the connection because it is beneficial to their partner…if they truly love them. The rationale behind this is that the affair partner has invested in the third party person emotionally and is now bonded to them, so to ask them to break that bond would be too devastating; it is, after all, a relationship that they have been needing and wanting since childhood but are either too afraid to have or convince themselves that it doesn’t have as much value as the “right thing”. The bottom line of how this particular cheater copes…having the affair is exactly how they cope!

 

Why can't the guy just divorce his wife and pursue his true love afterwards?

 

Why did the guy marry the poor woman to begin with if he didn't really love her?

 

Why does the wife have to let him have an affair? Because it is good for him?

 

What about the wife's feelings? Don't they matter at all?

 

I feel bad that this poor guy made all these sacrifices for everyone else, but when it comes to marrying his wife, it was his own doing, wasn't it?

 

First he lied to her about really being in love with her when he got married, now he gets to lie to her again and it's OK because "he needs it"?

 

And if she does find out, she's supposed to just sit back and wait for the cheating to be over because that's what she would do "if she truly loved him"? Just because he had a screwed up childhood, his wife has to suffer while he cheats? Shouldn't the betrayed wife be counseled to leave this guy because he's so messed up that he'll never be able to commit to a single person?

 

Shouldn't the guy just be honest with his wife and divorce her if he never really loved her?

 

And here I was thinking that these cheaters are all pretty selfish. Come to find out that I have it all backwards, they're actually mostly all pretty selfless, always making sacrifices for everybody else. Who knew?

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Hmmmm.

 

How Cheaters and The Other Woman/Man Copes | Samusings

 

The cheater who has a split-self affair is someone who separates rationality from their emotions. Rationally, they want to do the right thing because that is what they were taught to do, even if it means sacrificing their own emotional desires, wants, and needs. As these individuals get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep their emotional (and even sexual) needs at bay. These people are usually very successful in every way – they are educated, have great careers, and are extremely bright and ambitious, but they may have had to keep their emotions at bay growing up…because that’s just what you do, you do the “right thing” for your mother, for your family, for society, for your wife/husband. In their mind, they don’t know how to combine the thing that they think is the right thing with their emotional needs, thus, an affair ends up being the result because one person takes care of the rational part(s) of their mind, and the other person takes care of the emotional (and/or sexual) needs they have. The partner/spouse is usually representative of the mother or father whom they had to either please (or do what the parent felt was right for them), while either stifling their emotions and/or denying themselves some of the things they may have wanted and/or needed. And this is how a cheater (in a split-self affair) copes – this person NEEDS the affair. Until they learn how to combine what they believe is right with what they need emotionally, they will continue to fall into this pattern. While I was doing this research, I found it fascinating that all of the therapists insist that the spouse/partner in the affair should NOT end the affair! If the spouse in this situation has knowledge of the affair, this is the biggest obstacle they must overcome; they have to allow their partner to continue the connection because it is beneficial to their partner…if they truly love them. The rationale behind this is that the affair partner has invested in the third party person emotionally and is now bonded to them, so to ask them to break that bond would be too devastating; it is, after all, a relationship that they have been needing and wanting since childhood but are either too afraid to have or convince themselves that it doesn’t have as much value as the “right thing”. The bottom line of how this particular cheater copes…having the affair is exactly how they cope!

 

absolutely ridiculous. but should make cheaters feel better about what they're doing. all of a sudden, every one of them is in split-self affair :rolleyes:

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Oh your poor love :( How tragic your life has been....

 

 

;)

 

Guess what! That is what life is like. We sacrifice things that we want to do for things that we have to do. It's called being a grown up. And they are choices we make freely. All normal mature human beings do it. I have done it all my life, most of us have.What is this phenomenon I read about here all the time - the poor WS/would be WS who things that because they have been 'good' all these years they have earned the right to behave badly? It's self-serving rubbish. Do what you want. Leave your wife if you want. Ask for an open marriage...... make your choice but don't pretend it's anything special and that you are being in some way noble because you've been good all these years.

 

Do you know the most selfish thing you have done. Married a woman you didn't really love and stayed married to her while bored/stifled/miserable. I'd love to know what she thinks of it all. Do you think she is having a ball? I'll bet she isn't.

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Sorry moper - didn't mean to sound harsh. It's just hard hearing all these sob stories from WH.

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absolutely ridiculous. but should make cheaters feel better about what they're doing. all of a sudden, every one of them is in split-self affair :rolleyes:

 

It isn't that simple. It isn't that easy. It isn't that conscious.

 

Would have, should have, could have. If only.

 

I have something that isn't in the articles: you just wake up one day and your whole world is different. Then what?

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Finally Settled

I do not necessarily believe totally in the split self affair, but I do believe there are some components that are valid. I come from a generation where duty and doing the right thing are paramount. It was engrained in me as a child and part of who I was throughout my entire life. My exwife was brought up the same and her sense of duty was as strong as mine.

 

I discovered after many years of marriage that we had more of an obligation to remain married than a desire to. I expressed many times that I thought we were lacking in our relationship and several times suggested marriage counselling. Each time it was brought up she kindly, but adamantly, refused. I never challenged her right to refuse and we never further discussed things that had come up in the initial conversations.

 

It was my duty to remain a loyal husband and father. It was hers to remain a loyal wife and mother. I wanted us both to enjoy our relationship again, rather than endure it. We never were able to do that and someone came into my life that made me realize what my exwife and I had let slip away. For several years after I met this other woman, and before we crossed any boundaries at all, I did my best to have my exwife once again become a willing participant in our marriage. I eventually gave up and allowed myself to start a relationship with my other woman.

 

I have said many times that I was neither happy nor unhappy in my marriage. If I hadn't met someone who sparked emotion in me I would have remained married to my exwife for all of my days. My sense of duty to my family kept me from leaving before the affair started and my exwife firmly believed it would keep me in the marriage forever. We both shared that belief actually. Even when my other woman ended our relationship my exwife never feared that I would leave her, and I was reasonably certain she would never leave me.

 

I do not believe that a betrayed spouse should remain in such a marriage to somehow support their wayward spouse. I no longer believe that duty is a replacement for love, but one should enhance the other. Being in the position to look back at my situation and actions I see the selfishness, but when I was living it day to day I was torn and thought I was making the best of it. Looking back at the devastation I see the enormity of my misjudgement.

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I do not necessarily believe totally in the split self affair, but I do believe there are some components that are valid. I come from a generation where duty and doing the right thing are paramount. It was engrained in me as a child and part of who I was throughout my entire life. My exwife was brought up the same and her sense of duty was as strong as mine.

 

I discovered after many years of marriage that we had more of an obligation to remain married than a desire to. I expressed many times that I thought we were lacking in our relationship and several times suggested marriage counselling. Each time it was brought up she kindly, but adamantly, refused. I never challenged her right to refuse and we never further discussed things that had come up in the initial conversations.

 

It was my duty to remain a loyal husband and father. It was hers to remain a loyal wife and mother. I wanted us both to enjoy our relationship again, rather than endure it. We never were able to do that and someone came into my life that made me realize what my exwife and I had let slip away. For several years after I met this other woman, and before we crossed any boundaries at all, I did my best to have my exwife once again become a willing participant in our marriage. I eventually gave up and allowed myself to start a relationship with my other woman.

 

I have said many times that I was neither happy nor unhappy in my marriage. If I hadn't met someone who sparked emotion in me I would have remained married to my exwife for all of my days. My sense of duty to my family kept me from leaving before the affair started and my exwife firmly believed it would keep me in the marriage forever. We both shared that belief actually. Even when my other woman ended our relationship my exwife never feared that I would leave her, and I was reasonably certain she would never leave me.

 

I do not believe that a betrayed spouse should remain in such a marriage to somehow support their wayward spouse. I no longer believe that duty is a replacement for love, but one should enhance the other. Being in the position to look back at my situation and actions I see the selfishness, but when I was living it day to day I was torn and thought I was making the best of it. Looking back at the devastation I see the enormity of my misjudgement.

 

Again, me to a T. Sounds like you too fit the profile.

 

So which part of the split self theory do you not buy into?

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absolutely ridiculous. but should make cheaters feel better about what they're doing. all of a sudden, every one of them is in split-self affair :rolleyes:

 

Not at all. It is excruciating.

 

It makes me feel better, though, that I found it articulated this way.

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Betrayed&Stayed
This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

I read the article and my opinion is it's an over-intellectualized description of a cake-eater: "I know it's wrong but I want to do it anyways."

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Betterthanthis13
This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

This article has nothing to do with cheating, but it is my rebuttal to your articles, and I'd like to know if you can think of a way to apply its message to your analyzation of your prior actions, and your quest for self awareness and future happiness.

 

The Prime Belief

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I'm a FWS, and I'm not buying. It's basically just called ignoring your values. Yes, the needs we have/had can be very valid. BUT we chose to get what we needed in a way that was wrong. In real life we ALL struggle with what life has become and what we wish it was and what we want/need versus what seems to be happening.

 

Heck, I was manic during my first affair....but you know what? My MANIA didn't cheat. I did.

 

We live in a label and disorder obsessed society. I think our first order of business should ALWAYS be to take full responsibility for our actions instead of finding some really good reason "we couldn't help it." Personally, I don't want to live my life as if I am at the mercy of a "disorder."

 

I cheated because.....I chose to cheat. Yeah, I was miserable and lonely and invisible. BUT it was still a choice I made.

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I agree with the above post.

Yes, life is hard and a lot of people struggle in relationships and actually feel lonelier in them than they would be if they were single.

 

I just recently went through a break up.

Things were bad, there was distance and I actually felt lonely for the first time in a really long time (and that was after we moved in together)

 

But I didn't use that to justify cheating on him.

Instead we broke up, we ended it in the most honest way we can.

 

Yeah life sucks and things are hard for people, but to actually go on and try to find something to justifies the cheating so that you can still be noble is really reaching.

 

I don't think that people who cheat are necessarily bad people, but cheating is a bad thing - and there really are no 2 ways about it.

 

I was involved in cheating before (I was cheating with a guy that had a gf - long story). I could argue that I was going through a tough time, I had a bad childhood, I was vulnerable and he manipulated me (you know what, some of that may be true) - but it doesn't change the fact that I felt conflicted throughout, I always knew throughout this whole thing that what I was doing was terrible. I loved him, but I knew I was doing wrong and there really isn't anything that can change the fact that I CHOSE to do wrong.

 

 

It was my duty to remain a loyal husband and father.

 

I love that quote.

Yeah, it was my duty to be loyal...until someone walked into the picture that made it ok to forget about that duty.

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I don't read the articles, or myself, seeking to justify or rationalize the affair or myself. I own it and that, as I understand it, does not disqualify me in any way.

 

I have denied a very important part of me for a long time. I could do that for the rest of my life. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And keep in mind too that my wife is equally deprived.

 

Call me.a.cake eater if you wish. I have backed away from cake eating while I try to come to grips with and understand myself. This theory in my mind explains something. I don't see any excusing.

 

Figuring this out takes time. Acting on it to do what I need to do is not something I will rush no matter how wrong I was. My action was a statement from my subconscious. That is not an excuse.

Edited by Moper
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Hey betterthan, I like that much more. Best summarised as 'put up or shut up!' Easier said than done of course.

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This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

I certainly see a lot of similarities with the above article and myself. Thanks for posting it.

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So happy together

Who cares? Affairs are affairs. What you do with it is what matters. If you leave and are alone, that is what you need. If you stay and make your marriage work, that matters. If you leave and stay with your AP, that is what matters. I think we put too much into it. It just is what it is and you know what it is.

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Who cares? Affairs are affairs. What you do with it is what matters. If you leave and are alone, that is what you need. If you stay and make your marriage work, that matters. If you leave and stay with your AP, that is what matters. I think we put too much into it. It just is what it is and you know what it is.

 

No offense, but I think that is an overly-simplistic view. There are a lot of different factors that go into people making the decision to have an affair, and it is not as black and white as many people like to think it is.

 

The reason there is a label for this type of affair is because a pattern has been established through research.

 

Someone earlier stated something about it being an 'over-intellectualized description of a cake eater'. Gaining an intellectual understanding of a subject is not a bad thing. Too often we as humans love to try and place people into a label so that all of our pre-conceived notions allow us to make all sorts of easy judgments about that person.

 

I fully understand that many BS's prefer to look at these things very simply as right or wrong, but this is an attempt to shield themselves from facing some very legitimate underlying issues.

Edited by Realist3
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ladydesigner
having the affair is exactly how they cope!

 

Well duh :p

 

This is the reason my WH cheated and HE needs to figure it out or I am getting a divorce. It is a coping mechanism I am not willing to tolerate ever again. I just have no more sympathy for cheaters and I am a fMOW.

 

Seriously Moper I don't know one person that wants to see the one they love loving someone else. It's as simple as that. For me anyway.

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ladydesigner
Who cares? Affairs are affairs. What you do with it is what matters. If you leave and are alone, that is what you need. If you stay and make your marriage work, that matters. If you leave and stay with your AP, that is what matters. I think we put too much into it. It just is what it is and you know what it is.

 

I guess I wouldn't say "eh who cares" to a situation that creates such devastation. While many may think who cares your WH had an A, he's with you now get over it. In the meantime what about all the trust issues I have now or anxiety. I have PTSD too from the trauma. Infidelity is considered one of the most traumatic events in a person's life. I don't think it is a "eh who cares" type of situation.

 

What I do agree with is the bolded and I am a big believer in turning your pain around and becoming something stronger and better. I'm living it right now and it's only getting better ;)

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I guess I wouldn't say "eh who cares" to a situation that creates such devastation. While many may think who cares your WH had an A, he's with you now get over it. In the meantime what about all the trust issues I have now or anxiety. I have PTSD too from the trauma. Infidelity is considered one of the most traumatic events in a person's life. I don't think it is a "eh who cares" type of situation.

 

What I do agree with is the bolded and I am a big believer in turning your pain around and becoming something stronger and better. I'm living it right now and it's only getting better ;)

 

 

I actually don't think So Happy meant "who cares" in a dismissive way of feelings and the impact of affairs but rather in the "who cares" about trying to find a reason as that is not so much the issue when compared to how you then deal with it i.e. sort things out one way or another.

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ladydesigner
I actually don't think So Happy meant "who cares" in a dismissive way of feelings and the impact of affairs but rather in the "who cares" about trying to find a reason as that is not so much the issue when compared to how you then deal with it i.e. sort things out one way or another.

 

Oh I see. Gotcha:cool:

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findingnemo
This describes me almost to a T:

 

A Comprehensive Examination of the "Split-Self" Affair* - *111 Quimby Street, Westfield NJ 908.403.9300

 

"This pair lost the very essence of who they are in their efforts to 'do right' and they have to find themselves and determine their own definition of 'what's right for them' -- and that process of discovery may result in parting ways."

 

Anyone else see themselves here?

 

Oh...this is bad. It is depressing to me. I have seen some posters disagree with this analysis and I guess it doesn't make sense to them. Well, it makes sense to me. For some people duty trumps everything. The sad thing is that everybody involved is unhappy as a result unless they figure out what's happening.

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