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Mistake vs. accident


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I see on here and other sites people seem to confuse the two terms. Someone jumps all over the person when they claim their affair was a "mistake". For clarity I do believe I made a mistake. A huge mistake. (n. and action or judgment that is misguided or wrong).

 

My affair was not an accident. I really doubt any affair is an accident. At some point you choose to do what you do.

 

Just thought I'd put that out there. You can't really argue with the dictionary. I understand that some think it is to light of a word to use but it doesn't change the fact for me it was a mistake.

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The real problem with that definition is when so many people follow it up with, "It just happened."

 

That's what most 'jumpers' object to.

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The real problem with that definition is when so many people follow it up with, "It just happened."

 

That's what most 'jumpers' object to.

 

I understand that and don't object to people who take issue with that. I just read where someone was jumped on for using the word mistake and te examples of "mistake" given were actually examples of "accident". So I think people may be confusing the term. I actually think if a ww didn't think their affair was a mistake then they would be saying it should have happened and they don't regret it.

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I agree. Later, after the fact, it can be classified as a mistake. But, at the moment it's happening, it's a choice.

 

 

Funny how people tend to repeat a "mistake" over and over and over again.

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The definitions of the words from the dictionary don't mean as much to most people as the connotation of them. Both "accident" and "mistake" usually mean the same thing to me when I read them on this forum. They are both often used as excuses for the WS's behavior. You statement is crisp and clear and doesn't feel to me as if you are excusing your behavior and are taking personal responsibility for the actual cheating. Looking back you see it was a mistake but you are not using that word as an excuse.

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It-is-what-it-is.

CHOICE

 

I am on a path, I choose to go left or I choose to go right.

 

 

ACCIDENT

 

I am on a path I fall in a hole.

 

 

MISTAKE

 

I am on a path, I choose to go left, but realize I should have gone right. I chose, the path. The path I chose was wrong. I think BS want the words wrong because mistake is close to accident.

 

As in. Accident oops=mistake oops my bad.

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I see on here and other sites people seem to confuse the two terms. Someone jumps all over the person when they claim their affair was a "mistake". For clarity I do believe I made a mistake. A huge mistake. (n. and action or judgment that is misguided or wrong).

 

My affair was not an accident. I really doubt any affair is an accident. At some point you choose to do what you do.

 

Just thought I'd put that out there. You can't really argue with the dictionary. I understand that some think it is to light of a word to use but it doesn't change the fact for me it was a mistake.

 

Yep.

 

Mistakes require volition....doing something quite consciously but you're using defective judgment, misinformation or misconception etc.

 

An accident is unplanned and unforeseen and often happens to you.

 

People use them interchangeably in common speaking, hence the confusion probably, but they in fact denote different things.

 

But in light of their actual meaning, an affair cannot be an accident, but a mistake.

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But in light of their actual meaning, an affair cannot be an accident, but a mistake.

 

But how can an affair be a mistake if they enter into it willingly? KNOWING what's at stake if they're caught!

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I used the term 'mistake' to describe my H's choice to have an A in my early days here on LS. I got raked over for my use of that term! :p

 

But honestly, I still really don't have an issue with the term "mistake" with regards to an affair, provided the WS demonstrates personal responsibility for their choice.

 

I get why people get riled up about the term 'mistake' because it can imply, "oops, my bad, didn't mean to cheat on you. Sorry, it was a mistake."

 

But, WS can also say that their choice to have an affair was a mistake that hurt a lot of people, cost them dearly, regretted their mistake/choice, etc.

 

But I know I have made mistakes--some huge decisions/choces that took a lot of careful deliberation and planning--and they still seem like mistakes later.

 

Because, to come right down to it, mistakes are choices. Even those mistakes that seem minor. I remember one of those posters who got onto me about using the word "mistake" said something like, "a mistake is when you put your white shirt in the wash with dark clothes. An affair is not like that."

 

No, they are both choices. After all, one could choose to sort their laundry more carefully and spend extra time checking their wash load beforehand. They simply chose not to be that careful. Therefore, it is still a choice while also a mistake.

 

Sort of like an affair. It is a choice a person makes. But that doesn't mean that they can't decide it was a mistake later.

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The thing is, it's always a mistake to enter into an A. It is NEVER an accident, regarless of the circumstances. One always knows that at least one of you is married and, therefore, it is wrong. So, it cannot be an accident.

 

I really despise the "it wasn't planned" statement. It is amazing at the amount of planning that goes into an A. Secret texts, emails, phone calls, meetings, all require a lot of thought processes to keep them hidden from the BS. Don't tell me it was not planned. You don't meet someone that is not your spouse at a predetermined hotel room and NOT plan to have sex. Give me a break!

 

No one ever accidentally has sex with someone, even with their spouse.

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Betterthanthis13

A person can think cheating is a good idea for themself at some point in time for x reason, make a choice to do it, and then realize at some point it was NOT a good idea, stops cheating, is sorry for the poor choice, and does not repeat the choice.

 

I think that scenario could be considered a mistake.

 

Cheating is always a deliberate choice

Sometimes a mistake

Sometimes not a mistake, and

Never an accident.

 

Same scenario as above but NOT a mistake:

 

person thinks cheating is a good idea for themself at some point in time for x reason, make a choice to do it, gets caught, says it was a mistake, manipulates everyone involved into believing they are sorry, and goes back to doing it.

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Southern Cal Dude

Accident/mistake is synymous. If I knock something off a shelf, step on my dog's paw, rear end the person driving in front of me; those would be accidents/mistakes.

 

If I'm in a relationship and I cheat and sleep with someone else, that's a conscious decision on my part. I know what's at stake and still go through with it. No one held a gun to my head. Poor judgment does not automatically equally an accident or a mistake.

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But how can an affair be a mistake if they enter into it willingly? KNOWING what's at stake if they're caught!

 

Did you read what I said? A mistake requires volition, choice, choosing to do something against one's better judgment. That's more relevant to affairs, in that you willingly choose it, against your better judgment, whereas an accident is often not willing but something which happens to you which is unforeseen. Hence, one can't have an accidental affair, but one can have an affair and later deem it a mistake on your part.

 

Definition of a mistake is:

 

mistake [mɪˈsteɪk]

n

1. an error or blunder in action, opinion, or judgment

 

1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.

 

Those types of things are apparent in many affairs. even knowing the consequences and still doing it, can still be a mistake, as knowing and doing something risky can reflect defective judgment and carelessness.

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It-is-what-it-is.

I do get the sensitivity because if the words. But it's about accountability though isn't it?

 

Like, for example,

 

WS says "I take full accountability for my actions, and I am working on determining what my marriage lacked that led to my affair".

 

BS think- oh hell no.

 

WS think - but I took accountability?

 

Same with this.

 

WS says "it was a mistake! I shouldn't have done it."

 

BS thinks -you did not accidentally do this you made those choices.

 

WS thinks -but I said it was a mistake.

 

Ultimately it's about not qualifying the accountability with a BUT statement. You know...like when you get an apology that is followed by a but statement it erases the apology?

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For me as a fWS? It was no accident; it was intentional.

 

but it was a big Mistake to solve my personal and marital issues by involving a third person and hurting everyone impacted by my triangulation. A stupid mistake as I couldn't see what was wrong in me, didn't understand why I needed it or wanted it, and didn't know how or where to find answers. All my "looking" had not helped at that point, unfortunately.

 

Once you know your Why's, you don't ever see it as accidental again. You realize it served a foggy, dysfunctional need at the time and it was no accident. But that's also when you clearly see it as a mistake, a mistaken belief that these actions would help you and not harm others. You really believe that at first, because you are putting a salve on an unknown pain, a pain you didn't even admit you had. And it seems so . . . okay. The cost/benefit at that time tells you it will be ok, not great or perfect or even right. And then you get to know why you needed this and think, "It was such a mistake to try to heal my hurts and needs with something so harmful and unkind." A true mistake, yes. No accident.

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JustAReformedGirl
I see on here and other sites people seem to confuse the two terms. Someone jumps all over the person when they claim their affair was a "mistake". For clarity I do believe I made a mistake. A huge mistake. (n. and action or judgment that is misguided or wrong).

 

My affair was not an accident. I really doubt any affair is an accident. At some point you choose to do what you do.

 

Just thought I'd put that out there. You can't really argue with the dictionary. I understand that some think it is to light of a word to use but it doesn't change the fact for me it was a mistake.

 

Agreed. I'd never say, "It was an accident, I fell on his penis!" What I will say is, "It was a mistake to engage in an affair with AP. Not because he's a mistake, but because I shouldn't have done anything with him while still in a relationship".

 

Others still will argue it ceases to be a mistake when one continues to do it, over and over. While in a fog, they may not see it as wrong, or they may find ways to justify it. There are a lot of grey areas; nothing is ever as simple as people try to make it out to be.

 

Would I do it again, if I had the chance? No. It's caused a great deal of chaos, emotionally. By that same token though, I don't regret what I had with AP. I only regret that it was infidelity.

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HopingAgain

I think anyone could agree that, for those who are remorseful, an affair was an error in judgement. Something one chose to do but later looking back realized it was not the best choice to make.

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As a fBS I fine both terms way too euphemistic and woefully minimizing.

 

Knocking into the wall and causing the mirror to crash is an accident.

 

Forgetting to pick up the milk as promised is an accidental mistake.

 

Saying an unkind word is a mistake.

 

The planning, prepping, lying, deceiving necessary to conduct a secret affair over months and years is oh, so, much more calculated to me.

 

Who chooses to make a mistake with every text, sext, email, cell call and sex hook-up?

 

I prefer devastating betrayal, or lying scumbag personally.

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I would add this: my personal experience is that a WS is "out of the marriage" to do this. Still love their BS when it happens? Yes, of course, as any other family member. But not as their partner. No, the bond is broken for a real A (not a ONS) to occur. I was done with my M before and during the A. I just didn't have the guts to admit it. My AP was very disconnected from his W, too, but he loved her and his kids and their life. We both needed to find our way back into our marriages by staying apart. Emotionally we were gone, that's the only way for an A to stay alive.

 

love is a choice, and we chose to put it back where it belonged.

that was no mistake. Or accident.

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Recently I was applying for jobs, and I mixed up two numbers on one of my references' phone numbers. When I was making cookies awhile back I used a tablespoon of vanilla instead of a teaspoon.

 

Those are mistakes.

 

Becoming intimate with someone other than my spouse, betraying the most basic of vows by getting naked and exchanging bodily fluids with them and keeping it from my husband was not a "mistake."

 

It was a betrayal, a horrible choice, a hurtful decision, a selfish act......

 

But mistake? That's what I draw a red circle around on someone's English paper.

 

That is like calling someone whose entire face has been peeled off an "abrasion." Yeah, if they slid over pavement, I guess it's technically correct. But anyone with a true understanding of the extent of such an injury wouldn't call it that.

 

Honestly, I chose to hurt my husband in the deepest, most personal way. If he doesn't like the word mistake, my humble response should be not to use it. Period.

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Betterthanthis13

With virtually no knowledge of the dynamics of cheating, when I first heard "I made a mistake", from my cheater, I took it at face value. Then the mistake idea didnt sit right with me and I analyzed it, and came to the conclusion that cheating was NEVER a mistake. It's always simply a choice, intentional. All cheaters must know what they are doing, those rotten no good jerks.

 

Now with more analysis I have softened up a bit. I still think MY cheater knew what he was doing, and I don't think he can call anything he did a "mistake". But I can imagine, and have read about scenarios where I feel that the WS really did just make a mistake, even in a long term affair.

 

Reason being- sometimes people think that something they know logically is bad for them or will hurt someone they love, will work as a solution to their problem. Then it doesn't and afterward they feel terrible and look back on it and say, "what was I thinking??" And do everything in their power to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Not just with cheating, with a lot of things. Revenge, excess drinking, having a baby to save a bad marriage, etc etc. Anyone can have a lapse in judgement and apply illogical reasoning skills to a life decision. We are human. Humans make mistakes.

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Betterthanthis13
Recently I was applying for jobs, and I mixed up two numbers on one of my references' phone numbers. When I was making cookies awhile back I used a tablespoon of vanilla instead of a teaspoon.

 

Those are mistakes.

 

Becoming intimate with someone other than my spouse, betraying the most basic of vows by getting naked and exchanging bodily fluids with them and keeping it from my husband was not a "mistake."

 

It was a betrayal, a horrible choice, a hurtful decision, a selfish act......

 

But mistake? That's what I draw a red circle around on someone's English paper.

 

That is like calling someone whose entire face has been peeled off an "abrasion." Yeah, if they slid over pavement, I guess it's technically correct. But anyone with a true understanding of the extent of such an injury wouldn't call it that.

 

Honestly, I chose to hurt my husband in the deepest, most personal way. If he doesn't like the word mistake, my humble response should be not to use it. Period.

 

That last sentence I totally agree with- if he has a problem with it, best to never, ever call it a mistake. It's all just semantics anyway.

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That, Betterthanthis, is exactly correct. And why waywards apologize and see the whole thing as a mistake.

 

Was it selfish, hurtful, damaging? Well, yes. If you still want your M (I didn't) or think you'll get caught (most don't). People break rules all of the time, they even break laws. Most times they only do these things if they think they will not be caught. Petty theft, speeding, internet use during company time, playing hooky from work, overcharging clients, stealing office supplies. It's simply human nature to be selfish when no one is looking, and for many in an affair, this is their faulty, pained thought process. (Not me. I was in an exit affair so felt I was moving toward D, but my AP was using "No cameras so who will know" thinking. It bugged me. He never wanted the A to end, so I had to point blank say, "Your kids will hate you" to make him realize he would be caught and punished.) I'm not saying I did it because I didn't. I always had guilt and awareness. But I learned from my AP's comments. He was taking a little extra from life, never from his BS, and who would notice or care?

 

Wanting to keep your M but having an affair? I cannot relate. That was not me.

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  • 1 month later...
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I know I'm coming into this late, but here it goes.

 

The idea that it was a "mistake" is, IMO, an attempt to sugarcoat it. As if it could happen to anyone, therefore mercy must be taken.

 

And in any case once you make the mistake, it ceases to be one if you do it over and over of your own free will.

 

I guess the problem for us BS/fBS is that when someone tries to make us think we need to lighten up because they made a "mistake", sorry, I think it tends to piss us off.

 

Someone doesn't get to cheat on me, then say, "it was nothing more than a huge mistake" as if I am not entitled to be angry and leave them.

I agree if the person is using mistake likely then that is another sign of being unremorsful. When I made this post is when I saw people using the word mistake and then being jumped on and treated like they said accident. An accident.

 

I still stand by the fact that my A was the biggest MISTAKE of my life. And if I didn't think it was a mistake I think my H would have issue with that.

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