Not confronting the WS

[virmo]

If you were given a heads up on your WS infidelity (with proof), what would your reason be for not confronting?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I think I would confront them, but if I opted not to, at first?

 

I'd say it's because I'd be afraid to find out it was true. Eventually though, my need for closure would cause me to ask them about it, and I'd want to know as much as possible, in order to gain an understanding as to why it happened.

[Owl]

Or...gathering more intel. A "heads up" may well not be enough "proof" to confront with.

[virmo]

Or...gathering more intel. A "heads up" may well not be enough "proof" to confront with.

 

If the heads up included proof..pictures, etc.

[dichotomy]

If the heads up included proof..pictures, etc.

 

 

Edited.

 

I suppose I might delay confronting, if only to decide a course of action. But yes eventually I would confront and likely 90% that confrontation would be divorce papers, but 100% the marriage would be over as it had been.

Edited June 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[PhoenixRise]

Virmo

 

Did you out your affair partner to his/her spouse and now wondering why nothing has happened yet?

 

Maybe the spouse is gathering more evidence.

Maybe the spouse is getting duck in a row for divorce

Maybe the spouse doesn't care about the affair

Maybe it is not the WS first affair.

Maybe they have an open marriage and you don't know their arrangement.

[ver13]

If the heads up included proof..pictures, etc.

 

If you have all of this what would not confronting your partner get you but more of the same.

[virmo]

Virmo

 

Did you out your affair partner to his/her spouse and now wondering why nothing has happened yet?

 

Maybe the spouse is gathering more evidence.

Maybe the spouse is getting duck in a row for divorce

Maybe the spouse doesn't care about the affair

Maybe it is not the WS first affair.

Maybe they have an open marriage and you don't know their arrangement.

 

Absolutely not. I don't have an AP. If it must be known, a mom in playgroup I'm not close with is in this situation. Instead of talking about it with others in the group, I just thought I'd come for a non-baised opinion and thoughts.

[Snowflower]

Absolutely not. I don't have an AP. If it must be known, a mom in playgroup I'm not close with is in this situation. Instead of talking about it with others in the group, I just thought I'd come for a non-baised opinion and thoughts.

 

Interesting. So you want to avoid gossip?

 

If you don't know her well, why are you concerned? I don't mean that to sound snarky, its hard to convey in words? It's her business and everyone handles these types of things differently.

 

Okay, so I'm thinking about this and once upon a time years ago when my daughter was little, I hung around with a group of play group moms. They were nice women but I never became close friends with any of them, not really. Really, we bonded through our kids. If my H had cheated at that point in my life, I would not have disclosed any details to them. I simply wasn't close enough to those women to divulge such a deep, painful trauma.

 

Make sense?

 

So, perhaps she is doing something about it but has decided not to share what she is doing about it with the playground moms. It is her personal business about her marriage and husband. Maybe she feels no need to share because she doesn't want to be the subject of gossip.

[virmo]

Interesting. So you want to avoid gossip?

 

If you don't know her well, why are you concerned? I don't mean that to sound snarky, its hard to convey in words? It's her business and everyone handles these types of things differently.

 

Okay, so I'm thinking about this and once upon a time years ago when my daughter was little, I hung around with a group of play group moms. They were nice women but I never became close friends with any of them, not really. Really, we bonded through our kids. If my H had cheated at that point in my life, I would not have disclosed any details to them. I simply wasn't close enough to those women to divulge such a deep, painful trauma.

 

Make sense?

 

So, perhaps she is doing something about it but has decided not to share what she is doing about it with the playground moms. It is her personal business about her marriage and husband. Maybe she feels no need to share because she doesn't want to be the subject of gossip.

 

Thank you for your response. However, I came here to ask a question I was curious about, not to be berated as to why. Aren't you ever curious about a topic/subject you overhead and you would like to discuss it amongst others you aren't associated with? It is sad posters have to more or less explain their reasoning for their question(s) so were categorized not an "outing AP":o. Isn't the purpose of message boards and forums to ask questions? Why the bias on the boards? Would people be treated differently if they said "oh, I'm just wondering?" or no matter what, would assumptions be made as to their purpose?

 

 

Back to my original question, any other opinions?

[underwater2010]

My first thought was that the BS was gathering more evidence. But know that I heard the term play date....I think toddler or kindergarten. Which means the spouse might be afraid of losing their family should they confront.

 

Either way....if it doesn't affect you, I would not worry about. I am curious as to whether the parent in this play group is the WS or BS.

[virmo]

My first thought was that the BS was gathering more evidence. But know that I heard the term play date....I think toddler or kindergarten. Which means the spouse might be afraid of losing their family should they confront.

 

Either way....if it doesn't affect you, I would not worry about. I am curious as to whether the parent in this play group is the WS or BS.

 

Thank you for your answer. It isn't as if I'm losing sleep over it, just a curious question.

 

To answer your question, she's a BS.

[underwater2010]

Then my guess is fear of the outcome. She will figure it out.

[virmo]

I guess (this is all coming down the grapevine from some moms in the group) she gave him opportunities to fess up and he didn't.

[Snowflower]

Thank you for your response. However, I came here to ask a question I was curious about, not to be berated as to why. Aren't you ever curious about a topic/subject you overhead and you would like to discuss it amongst others you aren't associated with?

 

I thought that is what everyone was doing on this thread by just sharing their viewpoints. Sorry that appears biased. (shrug)

 

I explained that perhaps she felt uncomfortable divulging what she was doing about her husband's affair. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps she has talked to him about it even if it doesn't seem obvious to the outside world.

 

What do you feel she should be doing?

[janedoe67]

After reading a lot on forums, if I was the BS, the thing that would likely cause me to delay would be gathering more info, taking time to protect myself legally and financially, possibly getting together a list of people to expose the affair to, etc.

 

However, I am in favor of a BS confronting a WS 100% of the time. The WS doesn't need to get away with it.

[virmo]

I thought that is what everyone was doing on this thread by just sharing their viewpoints. Sorry that appears biased. (shrug)

 

I explained that perhaps she felt uncomfortable divulging what she was doing about her husband's affair. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps she has talked to him about it even if it doesn't seem obvious to the outside world.

 

What do you feel she should be doing?

 

My plan isn't to gossip amongst them as we're supposed to be there for the children. That is why I came to the board to ask my question/get insight. I am merely just curious and don't want to ask questions with the other moms.

 

If she doesn't want to divulge it, so be it. I don't know what happened, but all I was just wondering why not confront? I had to explain myself and why I want to know as I'm apparently an "outing AP" if I post a questions I'm curious about.

 

I wouldn't wait 3+ weeks and not say anything. As much as it would hurt, I would want to know answers and not sit on it.

[virmo]

After reading a lot on forums, if I was the BS, the thing that would likely cause me to delay would be gathering more info, taking time to protect myself legally and financially, possibly getting together a list of people to expose the affair to, etc.

 

However, I am in favor of a BS confronting a WS 100% of the time. The WS doesn't need to get away with it.

 

I agree. He may find that his wife not saying anything is grounds to keep continuing.

[Snowflower]

I guess (this is all coming down the grapevine from some moms in the group) she gave him opportunities to fess up and he didn't.

 

My plan isn't to gossip amongst them as we're supposed to be there for the children. That is why I came to the board to ask my question/get insight. I am merely just curious and don't want to ask questions with the other moms.

 

If she doesn't want to divulge it, so be it. I don't know what happened, but all I was just wondering why not confront? I had to explain myself and why I want to know as I'm apparently an "outing AP" if I post a questions I'm curious about.

 

I wouldn't wait 3+ weeks and not say anything. As much as it would hurt, I would want to know answers and not sit on it.

 

I totally respect you not wanting to gossip with the other moms.

 

Looking at your two quotes...she was hoping he would fess up but didn't. Perhaps she is giving him just enough rope to hang himself with?

 

Perhaps he doesn't know that she knows. Most cheating spouses think they won't get caught. Maybe he has no idea that she was shown pictures and stuff?

[virmo]

I am thinking the latter. From the sounds of it, she is continuing on as if nothing happened.

[MissBee]

If you were given a heads up on your WS infidelity (with proof), what would your reason be for not confronting?

 

It's one of those things where I'd need to really be in the situation to know specifics like: what kind of proof, when did I find out, who told me, did I suspect it before and is this just the final nail, or did I not have any clue and this person simply popped up with proof etc. All those factors would determine when and how I'd confront them. Knowing myself though, if it was irrefutable proof and if I suspected it before, I'd get my own ducks in a row before dropping the bomb on them in a most understated, yet dramatic fashion. I would not however simply ignore it.

[Artie Lang]

like another poster pointed out, i say she's afraid of the outcome. her world, as she knows it, will come to an end.

 

probably still in the denial stage.

[SidLyon]

If you were given a heads up on your WS infidelity (with proof), what would your reason be for not confronting?

 

If the heads up included proof..pictures, etc.

 

Absolutely not. I don't have an AP. If it must be known, a mom in playgroup I'm not close with is in this situation. Instead of talking about it with others in the group, I just thought I'd come for a non-baised opinion and thoughts.

 

Thank you for your response. However, I came here to ask a question I was curious about, not to be berated as to why. Aren't you ever curious about a topic/subject you overhead and you would like to discuss it amongst others you aren't associated with? It is sad posters have to more or less explain their reasoning for their question(s) so were categorized not an "outing AP":o. Isn't the purpose of message boards and forums to ask questions? Why the bias on the boards? Would people be treated differently if they said "oh, I'm just wondering?" or no matter what, would assumptions be made as to their purpose?

 

 

Back to my original question, any other opinions?

 

Thank you for your answer. It isn't as if I'm losing sleep over it, just a curious question.

 

To answer your question, she's a BS.

 

I guess (this is all coming down the grapevine from some moms in the group) she gave him opportunities to fess up and he didn't.

 

My plan isn't to gossip amongst them as we're supposed to be there for the children. That is why I came to the board to ask my question/get insight. I am merely just curious and don't want to ask questions with the other moms.

 

If she doesn't want to divulge it, so be it. I don't know what happened, but all I was just wondering why not confront? I had to explain myself and why I want to know as I'm apparently an "outing AP" if I post a questions I'm curious about.

 

I wouldn't wait 3+ weeks and not say anything. As much as it would hurt, I would want to know answers and not sit on it.

 

I agree. He may find that his wife not saying anything is grounds to keep continuing.

 

I am thinking the latter. From the sounds of it, she is continuing on as if nothing happened.

 

First of all, here on LS we have had all sorts of posters "just asking curious questions". Unsurprisingly several have turned out to be not what they seem. We often get OW here "just asking" and occasionally we have had OW posing as BW and vice versa.

 

Of course this is an anonymous board and people can say whatever they want. Not everybody wants to reveal every last detail about their situation and this is OK.

 

However some people want to know more about the circumstances before they respond.

 

To be honest your question has been one that has been asked many times in one form or another, especially by OW in an A with a MM, which is why posters are questioning you.

 

You have received several good answers.

 

You seem to know an awful lot about what she is thinking/doing/not doing from merely overhearing snippets of conversation from a group of mums.

 

Who is it that has provided the "proof" to this BW, is it her H, the OW or some other person? Who is telling you that she hasn't confronted her H, and is acting like nothing has happened at home with her H.

 

You have asked for any other opinions (bolded above) so I'll give you mine:

 

The MM is having an A with an OW who just happens to be one of the playgroup mums.

 

Either:

 

(a) Somebody (could be another mum in playgroup, the OW, her BH or someone else) has outed the MM to his BW and so she is acting normal around playgroup mums; or

 

(b) the MM is spinning the OW a line (along the lines of my wife knows and doesn't care); however the BW doesn't know which is why things appear normal;

 

What I notice is that for an apparently uninterested observer you seem to know a lot about what is going on inside their marriage. You also seem 100% sure that her H is having an A and yet you seem quite unsympathetic to her plight, yet defensive about your posts here. Is she your friend?

Edited June 26, 2013 by SidLyon

[BetrayedH]

She may be asking herself what point there is in confronting. He's had opportunities to come clean. He's still lying. Does she need to convince him that he's cheating?

 

If she's smart, his confrontation will come via divorce papers at work and discovering his stuff on the front lawn.