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Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband


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Old 8th May 2013, 7:11 PM   #226
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Originally Posted by BryanP37 View Post
I had a long conversation with my wife. She is pleading with me to reconsider. She wants a chance to prove herself worthy to me. My fury after I confronted her really surprised her. She was shocked I came to this conclusion so quickly and am carrying it out exactly as I said I would. She is panicked and rightfully so. There will be no turning back.

The way I see it, why should I alter my life to attempt to reconcile with a cheater. Could easily be a waste of time and she may do it again at a much less convienent time. Would prefer meeting someone on my own and expend that effort developing a new relationship rather than try to clean up the train wreck. My head and heart are in this. Time to move in the right direction.

BryanP37, I will say that again.... you are doing the right thing by divorcing your wife!

I have a friend whose wife had a year long affair with a married guy from their social circle about a decade ago. After the affair was exposed, and that was a really humiliating experience for all parties involved, he decided to give her another chance. She has been truly a dream wife since then, just like before the affair, but the emotional pain of her betrayal and deception has never gone away. Actually, it has been gradually getting worse and worse and there is no single day in his life now that he wouldn't blame himself for taking her back. He is utterly despised with himself for doing it.

Today, about ten years later, he doesn't want to be a bad guy and divorce her - after all, she has been doing everything what so called "remorseful" cheating wife should be doing and she is genuinly sorry for what she has done - but he isn't sure how much longer he can last like that.... the pain is just so hard to endure.

It is lkely that you BIL is going through something similiar.... he might have forgiven your sister but he hasn't forgotten what she had done.
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Old 8th May 2013, 10:35 PM   #227
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BryanP37, I will say that again.... you are doing the right thing by divorcing your wife!

I have a friend whose wife had a year long affair with a married guy from their social circle about a decade ago. After the affair was exposed, and that was a really humiliating experience for all parties involved, he decided to give her another chance. She has been truly a dream wife since then, just like before the affair, but the emotional pain of her betrayal and deception has never gone away. Actually, it has been gradually getting worse and worse and there is no single day in his life now that he wouldn't blame himself for taking her back. He is utterly despised with himself for doing it.

Today, about ten years later, he doesn't want to be a bad guy and divorce her - after all, she has been doing everything what so called "remorseful" cheating wife should be doing and she is genuinly sorry for what she has done - but he isn't sure how much longer he can last like that.... the pain is just so hard to endure.

It is lkely that you BIL is going through something similiar.... he might have forgiven your sister but he hasn't forgotten what she had done.
I think you are right about my BIL. Once my sisters affair was discovered, she ended it and that was that to her. Nothing really was done except some adjustments in behavior and a change of scenery. They uprooted and moved to a new city away from any reminder. Class rug sweep. To top it off, they had their third child a year later with the idea it would bring them back together. All it really did was distract their attention. All that changed when my life imploded and both saw my reaction. It sickened my sister after she saw what cheating did to me. She finally got to see what kind of pain she inflicted on her husband. I know he regrets staying with her. I also cannot say my sister has been a dream wife since her affair ended. Only now does she realize she's treated my BIL disgracefully since discovery and appears she is finally trying to make amends after all these years. They've begun counciling.

As for my discovery, testosterone kicked in in a big way. My reaction to being completely emasculated and played for a fool. My ego was not going to allow me to accept her back. I cannot imagine any scenario where she could possibly make this better for me. It wasn't even worth trying. I briefly entertained some thoughts of seeing where this could go, but after pouring through many of the infidelity threads and seeing what other men and women who've been cheated on are trying to work through, I saw there's no way my personality type could handle trying to reconcile. All of the scenarios I read were unacceptable to me. The only solution is to end the marriage and start over wiser. Less downside to me ending now than giving it 2-3 years and realizing you can't get the graphic images out of your head. Or it looks promising, then she does it again and all of that hard work wasted. Even worse I we had kids.

With that, I do NOT want to be like your friend or my BIL. Life is too short. Even if my wife turned out to be a "dream wife" like your friends and did all of the right things, the fact that she cheated will define her forever to me. Not fair to me, but really not fair to her if in the back of my mind I despise her for what she did and you spend the rest of your life regretting. Best for all to make a clean break an move forward in a positive way.
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Old 8th May 2013, 11:26 PM   #228
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Originally Posted by BryanP37 View Post
She was shocked I came to this conclusion so quickly
LOL what was she expecting. By the way, does she know that you know about all the other affairs she hasn't confessed?

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why should I alter my life to attempt to reconcile with a cheater
You shouldn't if you don't want to

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In a way, I was done a huge favor.
That's exactly how I see it. Thank the Lord you found out about it and didn't have to continue living a lie

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Originally Posted by troubadour View Post
Today, about ten years later, he doesn't want to be a bad guy and divorce her - after all, she has been doing everything what so called "remorseful" cheating wife should be doing and she is genuinly sorry for what she has done - but he isn't sure how much longer he can last like that.... the pain is just so hard to endure.
This guy never truly got over the affair. He tried to sweep it under the rug...most likely because he was too weak to leave her.

He was too weak to say "Yeah she's remorseful, but her remorse is not enough. I have my own principles and my own ego. My trust has been violated and I won't invest it in a cheater."

Remember, remorse only makes reconciliation possible, it doesn't guarantee reconciliation will work.

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I also cannot say my sister has been a dream wife since her affair ended. Only now does she realize she's treated my BIL disgracefully since discovery
Unfortunately your bro in law is partially to blame for this. He likely let her off too easy. She didn't have to work hard to regain his trust.

In his shoes, I would've walked away immediately. If she doesn't show remorse of her own volition, she obviously doesn't value our relationship as much as she should. I'm not going to waste time trying to make her feel remorse (something she should feel without prompting)
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Old 9th May 2013, 3:28 PM   #229
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I think you are right about my BIL. Once my sisters affair was discovered, she ended it and that was that to her. Nothing really was done except some adjustments in behavior and a change of scenery. They uprooted and moved to a new city away from any reminder. Class rug sweep. To top it off, they had their third child a year later with the idea it would bring them back together. All it really did was distract their attention. All that changed when my life imploded and both saw my reaction. It sickened my sister after she saw what cheating did to me. She finally got to see what kind of pain she inflicted on her husband. I know he regrets staying with her. I also cannot say my sister has been a dream wife since her affair ended. Only now does she realize she's treated my BIL disgracefully since discovery and appears she is finally trying to make amends after all these years. They've begun counciling.

In my friend's case the huge issue is that initially, after the affair was discovered and exposed, he managed to successfully convince himself that his wife was a victim who was manipulated and taken advantage by OM. A few year later, when the emotions significantly cooled down, he accidentally run into OM's wife and they talked about the affair again. He learned that it was his wife who wanted it and actually went after the OM. The OM's wife had forwarded him a pile of old emails and it was clear that his wife was the pursuer. The OM was a willing participant from the very beginning but he didn't initiate the affair. For him it was like a new D-day.

Of course, the main issue seems to be that she has never been able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the damage she has done. She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she will regret it until the day she dies but when it really mattered she was just selfish and entitled.

I like her as a person but sometimes I wonder.... what does she really think about my friend? Does she respect him as man? After all, this is a guy she cheated on for a year and despite all that he took her back. I can bet this is something what also lingers in your sister's mind from time to time. Does she look at your BIL as a romantic partner or just a provider and safety net?

You are right that your wife's chating will define her as a person but she won't suffer any long term consequences of her actions. If she is as attractive as you say there will be no shortage of men interested in her and they won't be interested why she is divorced. Actually, an attractive thirty-something woman with no children will be considered to be a great catch. I know it isn't fair but life isn't fair.
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Old 9th May 2013, 8:22 PM   #230
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That might be true for another decade or so. But after that, then what? She'll be a lonely, miserable elderly woman.

-ol' 2long
I was thinking the same thing. She still is very attractive. But like you say, give it 10 years and we'll see if she's still a catch as far as looks go. She looks remarkably like her mom when she was her age. By mid 40s her mom had put on between 30-40 lbs. I can tell my wife has slowly put weight on since I kicked her out after almost a month of living with her parents. Add to that, she's giving up smoking. Most folks I know gain weight when they quit. My guess is I won't recognize her in 6 months.

Same happened to my sister post affair. She had a kid and never shed the weight she gained. Now in her mid 40s, while still an attractive woman, she's a shadow of who she was physically when she was having an affair.

As much as I want to hate her for what she's done, I really do want her to somehow find happiness. Strange that I could feel that way about her after what's gone down.

Last edited by BryanP37; 9th May 2013 at 9:19 PM..
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Old 9th May 2013, 11:52 PM   #231
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Hey fellas!!!
I'm near/in/about that category so easy on the cougar bashing*

(Not defending a cheater) just saying that some of us ladies are aging like a fine wine, not cheeeeese.
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Old 10th May 2013, 12:27 AM   #232
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Hey fellas!!!
I'm near/in/about that category so easy on the cougar bashing*

(Not defending a cheater) just saying that some of us ladies are aging like a fine wine, not cheeeeese.
And some of us age like cheese.....

because we've had too much cheese....
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Old 10th May 2013, 1:06 AM   #233
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he managed to successfully convince himself that his wife was a victim who was manipulated and taken advantage by OM
This is the worst lie a BS can perpetuate on himself

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For him it was like a new D-day
Yeah...but your friend didn't leave his wife at that point did he? He still stayed

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She says now it was the biggest mistake of her life and she will regret it until the day she dies but when it really mattered she was just selfish and entitled.
Yet she didn't have the courage to be honest, instead she blame-shifted

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I like her as a person but sometimes I wonder.... Does she respect him as man?
Unlikely, since in her eyes, he's probably been emasculated

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Does she look at your BIL as a romantic partner or just a provider and safety net?
Provider/safety net though she'll claim otherwise
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Old 10th May 2013, 8:40 PM   #234
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I like my counciler. Third session today and I feel she has me pegged and knows how to she can help me. I had misgivings about having a woman counciler. Wondered if she would focus on something I did or didn't do to enable my wife to cheat on me. She's identified a few areas where I have vulnerability. The main one is I trusted her blindly up front and I failed to recognize her character flaws in the beginning. Looking back I missed some obvious red flags. I was young with raging hormones and my wife was gorgous. Counciler commended me on my coping ability, that I am far better off than average. The military background is an obvious asset when life falls into the toilet. Working on self esteem and beginning a new life phase.

Spending my last night in my house tonight. I'm turning it back over to my stbxw tomorrow and I will officially be roommates with my little sister. My stbxw will be in the house until it closes. Meanwhile, she has to figure out what to do with what's left. I want nothing from our marriage. None of the wedding presents, silver, china, etc. I want to eradicate all physical signs we were ever married. No pictures, possessions, nothing that came from our marriage will follow me into my new life. I hesitated trashing the wedding photos, but I will leave them for my wife to dispose as she sees fit. It was very tempting to burn them in my fire pit on my patio. I gave my sister roomate my wedding ring to melt down into something she wants. By Monday when I go back to work, no one will be able to tell I was ever married to her. No trace at my sisters, all electronic photos of her on my phone or my laptop. A clean sweep. My last move will be sending pictures of her on my desk at work through the paper shredder.

Some may think I'm off base doing that. I feel my marriage to her was a farce. Because of that, I feel all tangible traces of it must be destroyed. Life begins anew tomorrow with a new place to live and an entirely different lifestyle.

I've had to spend time with stbxw the past few days. She is major freaked out. She REALLY wants me to take a step back and give her a chance. I can't do that. I have no idea what remorse from her should look like. When you've checked out, to me there really is no turning back. What I see is she wants me to give her a chance to ease HER mind. I'm not seeing her feeling any of the pain she caused me. Everywhere I've read points to the cheater putting in the work to prove themselves worthy and making the effort to win the betrayed partner back. She's really done nothing but cry and feel sorry for herself. No attempt to help me deal with what she's done. So in my opinion, she is not and likely never will be remorseful, but I still would like to see some if she really loves me as much as she says she does. It won't bring us back together, but i still would like to see it. If I'm missing something here, someone please chime in.

Last edited by BryanP37; 10th May 2013 at 9:45 PM..
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Old 10th May 2013, 9:45 PM   #235
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Broken people are attracted to stable and trustworthy mates. The qualities you possesed are a stable foundation in which a broken person can see as a safe haven to reside in and at the same time venture out to grab the external validation they crave.


It was never about you but only about the stability you offered. These types of individuals who practice serial cheating are very insecure and yet are egotistical. Their focus is self endorsed and they truly don't understand true love and intimacy.

Your soon to be ex is sorry for herself and she cannot grasp te hurt she's caused you. She will blame shift the guilt onto you and make you out to be the one who is mean and heartless in her suffering.

Sadly, you were robbed of the years you gave her. I think that's the hardest part for you to deal with, the theft of your reality and the choices you were denied in your own life. Luckily, you are young and have many good years ahead of you. With time and giving yoursef the tools to move foward you will heal from this.

It's a cliche, but what doesn't destroy you, only makes you stronger.
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Old 11th May 2013, 7:14 AM   #236
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Originally Posted by BryanP37 View Post
I like my counciler. Third session today and I feel she has me pegged and knows how to she can help me. I had misgivings about having a woman counciler. Wondered if she would focus on something I did or didn't do to enable my wife to cheat on me. She's identified a few areas where I have vulnerability. The main one is I trusted her blindly up front and I failed to recognize her character flaws in the beginning. Looking back I missed some obvious red flags. I was young with raging hormones and my wife was gorgous. Counciler commended me on my coping ability, that I am far better off than average. The military background is an obvious asset when life falls into the toilet. Working on self esteem and beginning a new life phase.

Spending my last night in my house tonight. I'm turning it back over to my stbxw tomorrow and I will officially be roommates with my little sister. My stbxw will be in the house until it closes. Meanwhile, she has to figure out what to do with what's left. I want nothing from our marriage. None of the wedding presents, silver, china, etc. I want to eradicate all physical signs we were ever married. No pictures, possessions, nothing that came from our marriage will follow me into my new life. I hesitated trashing the wedding photos, but I will leave them for my wife to dispose as she sees fit. It was very tempting to burn them in my fire pit on my patio. I gave my sister roomate my wedding ring to melt down into something she wants. By Monday when I go back to work, no one will be able to tell I was ever married to her. No trace at my sisters, all electronic photos of her on my phone or my laptop. A clean sweep. My last move will be sending pictures of her on my desk at work through the paper shredder.

Some may think I'm off base doing that. I feel my marriage to her was a farce. Because of that, I feel all tangible traces of it must be destroyed. Life begins anew tomorrow with a new place to live and an entirely different lifestyle.

I've had to spend time with stbxw the past few days. She is major freaked out. She REALLY wants me to take a step back and give her a chance. I can't do that. I have no idea what remorse from her should look like. When you've checked out, to me there really is no turning back. What I see is she wants me to give her a chance to ease HER mind. I'm not seeing her feeling any of the pain she caused me. Everywhere I've read points to the cheater putting in the work to prove themselves worthy and making the effort to win the betrayed partner back. She's really done nothing but cry and feel sorry for herself. No attempt to help me deal with what she's done. So in my opinion, she is not and likely never will be remorseful, but I still would like to see some if she really loves me as much as she says she does. It won't bring us back together, but i still would like to see it. If I'm missing something here, someone please chime in.
I think this is really important. Most would see the crying and take that as a sign of remorse itself, most likely the knight in shining armor complex would rush to try and comfort her but the two stand out phrases were feeling sorry for herself along with she's done nothing to help you deal with what she's done.

In some ways she maybe sorry for what she did, I certainly hope so. But the realization that the gamble she took because she thought she knew you so well (i.e she could cheat and in the worst case scenario even if she got caught the marriage or her life as she lived it could somehow still be saved), has blown up in her face. She never planned for this scenario, nor did she factor in that the man she was cheating on would have the courage of his conviction and end things.
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Old 11th May 2013, 8:31 AM   #237
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You're amazing

I've only read the first page of responses, including your original post. What struck me about the situation is that you put a post it note on her car. THAT is amazing to me. So many others (not neccasarily on here) would have busted through the door of the house ready to kick butt. Me included. How you had the will power to not doing something like that is beyond me.

As for her, not only did she betray you, but she betrayed her "best friend", her family, your family, and the families of her friend and the friends husband. Four entire families shattered, because they couldn't stay out of bed.

At least no kids are in the picture. You're still young, and there is a lot of living left for you to do. Hopefully you'll be able to trust again. Good luck to you.
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Old 11th May 2013, 9:52 AM   #238
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I've only read the first page of responses, including your original post. What struck me about the situation is that you put a post it note on her car. THAT is amazing to me. So many others (not neccasarily on here) would have busted through the door of the house ready to kick butt. Me included. How you had the will power to not doing something like that is beyond me.

As for her, not only did she betray you, but she betrayed her "best friend", her family, your family, and the families of her friend and the friends husband. Four entire families shattered, because they couldn't stay out of bed.

At least no kids are in the picture. You're still young, and there is a lot of living left for you to do. Hopefully you'll be able to trust again. Good luck to you.
It was VERY difficult to not physically confront wife and AP at his house. I had the benefit of being with my dad when I was able to see from my iPhone that my wife was at her AP's house. My dad was able to calm me down and convince me to not do something stupid and end up in jail and then I would be the one that's wrong.

The post it note on the window was to shake her up, and that it did. Judging from what she was wearing, she was faking going to the gym. She didn't count on my dad feeling ill and us not playing golf. I likely broke up their hump session as she was obviously stressed when she answered the call I made when I got back to the house. I would have LOVED to see her reaction when she saw the note on her car. The drive home must have been torture wondering what would happen when she got there. She was a mess when she walked into the kitchen. Obvious she had been involved in heavy physical activity, but not at the gym. You also don't smell like wine coming from there either. Confronted her there with all of my evidence.

My dad was right, this was between her and I. If AP had been part of the confrontation, I would have made him into an example and weakened my case. Better to let him stew thinking Armageddon could happen at any time.

Last edited by BryanP37; 11th May 2013 at 9:57 AM..
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Old 11th May 2013, 10:37 AM   #239
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The more I read what you post the more impressed I am with the way you have handled this terrible situation. You have made all of us BryanP's proud.
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Old 11th May 2013, 12:31 PM   #240
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Hey fellas!!!
I'm near/in/about that category so easy on the cougar bashing*

(Not defending a cheater) just saying that some of us ladies are aging like a fine wine, not cheeeeese.
So sorry! Did not intend to bash anyone except the cheaters that flaunt their sex appeal to springboard their affairs (yes, sister dear included). Pointing out that their window of opportunity is creeping shut or has closed completely. Take away my wife's looks, and you would find she is quite ordinary. My sister, the same.

If only I could meet a lady who ages like fine wine!
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