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How long does it take to get over betrayal?


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It's been many months since the DDay and since he stopped cheating. I haven't been able to get over it, even now that I left him. How long does it take? I feel like I'm ****ed, like not only do I have to deal with our break up, but I still have issues with being cheated on and I have to work through all of it alone.

 

Any suggestions on how to manage this time of healing? And how long should it take?

 

I know go to the gym stay busy make new friends blah blah blah, I'm doing all of that and more, my question is more about how to steer the thoughts in my head to a healthy direction.... What are the thoughts that are going to help me get through all this?

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It will sound like an echo, but everyone takes a different amount of time to heal from infidelity than others.

 

I'm 8 months since my wife finally came clean about her affair. And it's still not easy. Especially to keep my mind in a healthy state.

 

It sucks, it sucks even more since we're doing R. As I have to balance my emotions with hers, so we simply do not implode.

 

I've had a few buddies that have finished their divorces (for various reasons) and they all found that getting back out there and meeting people seems to be the key. But, more specifically, meeting new people in the same boat as you, that just want a night of fun and someone to relate to, has helped them greatly.

 

Again, everyone is different. I focus all my negative thoughts ( as much as I can ), into my job, so the anger of what my wife and the OM did to me, helps me push that much harder when I really need it. Channel all that negative crap into something positive.

 

It's a hard time you're going through, and we've all been there in one way or another.

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There is no one definite answer. It is different for all. I am just over 9 months past D-day. I/we are in a pretty good place now. (A lot changed in my head in the last few weeks.)

 

But, if I had separated from my W, I think the quickest way to get over it would have been to start dating....and I know that is not the answer for most.

 

But as the old saying goes: The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone! No offense intended..... just saying.... a new "love" will quickly make you feel better.

 

And I know for almost all of us, we only want our old life back the way it was before betrayal. But that ain't ever going to happen.

 

STAY BUSY......... that's the key. Be the best you that you can be.

 

And the best revenge against the cheater is just that. Let your former love find that you are happy......you win!

 

Good people here on LS. There will be lots of good and some bad advice here. Pick out what works for you.

 

I wish you the best!

Edited by NotCamelot
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A part of me wishes I just stayed in the R and tried harder to work it out, but I didn't. I put him through hell for months with my up and down emotional roller coaster. Now I've moved out and he is just as disgusted with me as I am with him.

 

I've been staying with a friend the past 2 weeks, finally got my own place and am starting to move things tonight. But that means physically going back to our house to get my stuff this week, I am dreading it. And he is being very cold to me. I don't expect him to be nice or anything. I just want to make it through this week.

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The general range that is quoted is 2-5 years.

 

It takes a long time- but the time, and the work to get there, is worth the effort.

 

And this may not be helpful- but I found that the hardest part of all of this crap hit in the second year after finding out. The first year was full of different emotions and ups and down. But year two was when the digging in and healing myself got really hard.

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A part of me wishes I just stayed in the R and tried harder to work it out, but I didn't. I put him through hell for months with my up and down emotional roller coaster. Now I've moved out and he is just as disgusted with me as I am with him.

 

I've been staying with a friend the past 2 weeks, finally got my own place and am starting to move things tonight. But that means physically going back to our house to get my stuff this week, I am dreading it. And he is being very cold to me. I don't expect him to be nice or anything. I just want to make it through this week.

 

The less contact you have with him- the better you will feel. Can you arrange for your friend to contact him and have him be gone when you retrieve your things? Or failing that, can your friend retrieve your things?

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Decorative, (or anyone) do you have any examples of some breakthroughs you went through in the process? Like some ah-ha moments that you recall where you knew you were making progress?

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The up and down emotions are normal for people that have been betrayed. He has no right to be 'disgusted' with you.

 

He was the one who brought the turmoil into the relationship in the first place. NEVER apologize for the emotions you had following his disgusting life choice.

 

Keep yourself busy, work on yourself and show the POS how much better you are without him.

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Decorative, (or anyone) do you have any examples of some breakthroughs you went through in the process? Like some ah-ha moments that you recall where you knew you were making progress?

 

There was no breakthough "moment". But there were days when, from out of nowhere, I thought, Wow I have not thought about that today. But then I'd feel good because of that.

 

But it has been extremely slow. Though I can imagine it probably is harder if you separate and don't have your partner.

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Thanks smoke rat, that's the plan.

 

Yes I emailed him and requested he not be there when I'm there getting my things. He says no, he will maybe be there maybe not, he doesn't care and I should just get my stuff whenever. Then went on to tell me about a female friend of his who is apparently nice as pie and bought him an expensive gift.

 

It's just going to be a rough week. I am planning however to take as few things as possible and just leave the rest, no sense spending any more time there than necessary.

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That's great for him, let him run around with his little tramps. I've already been warned a few times by the Mods about some of the language and 'lack of civility' I show towards people who cheat, so I'll keep it PG to apease the Moderator Gods.

 

Have someone go with you to get the things, preferable a nice, strong, young male. Go by your local firehall and get someone who's off shift and tempt them with ice cream and fatty foods. We love ice cream and fatty foods. I'm joking of course, but you get the point.

 

Do not go over there yourself. He's trying to get under your skin and make you regret your choice to leave him. He's playing the old 'Oh, look at me. I have a shiny new play thing. See how fast I could find a shiny new play thing." card. That's great, until that shiny new play thing learns how much a douchestick he is.

 

Bring a friend, do not even look at him. Do not acknowledge him. Get your things and leave. Go no contact with him, unless it's do or die.

 

Give it another 6 months or so, and he'll be sending you messages of regret. I think there are posters on here that have had WS's do that.

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What are the thoughts that are going to help me get through all this?

 

Time....you need time to heal. They say that time heals all wounds. Well, that's not always true. The wound heals up, but a scar can remain. And that scar will always remind us of where we've been and what we went through.

 

So, you never truely get over being betrayed. That scar will always be there. And you can trigger and the most insane times and for insane reasons. It could be months from now and you're feeling pretty good. Then, you'll see a commerical on auto insurance and one of the people in the commercial is holding a post card, and that post card has a picture of a Palm Tree on it. And then you'll remember the trip you and your Ex took to Florida and then you'll start thinking about your Ex. Now, you're in a bad mood all because of an auto insurance commerical. Sometimes, your brain isn't your friend.

 

What you need to do is remind yourself that you do have self worth and this isn't going to bring you down. That there's a guy out there that is everything you've ever wanted in a man (and don't tell me that your Ex was it, because I'm sure you never wanted to be betrayed. So he isn't it.). This guy isn't going to put you on a pedstal, but treat you like a partner. HIS partner in life and his equal. His better half! :cool:

 

I truely believe that he's out there, and he's looking for you. He just hasn't found you yet. So, it's important to put yourself out there. Explore new things and meet new people. I supect that you'll meet this guy when you least expect it!

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Feelin Frisky

Betrayal is always going to scar. It never goes away entirely. What helps most is new enthusiasm that leads to fuller life where this doesn't reside as such a crushing blow. Resolve to get over it and start moving new positives into your future. Best of luck.

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Thanks smoke rat, that's the plan.

 

Yes I emailed him and requested he not be there when I'm there getting my things. He says no, he will maybe be there maybe not, he doesn't care and I should just get my stuff whenever. Then went on to tell me about a female friend of his who is apparently nice as pie and bought him an expensive gift.

 

It's just going to be a rough week. I am planning however to take as few things as possible and just leave the rest, no sense spending any more time there than necessary.

 

Wow! that's passive aggressive. he is angry that you are still angry but has to let you know someone thinks he is a fine person.

 

Tell him he didn't cheat on his female friend, so she may very well find him wonderful.

 

Whether you reconcile or divorce, the stages of healing after infidelity mimic closely. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and can last for two to five years.

 

Google it.

 

Also google the 180 . it will give you tools to not deal with him, not deal with any attempts to hook you into arguments or conversations about the relationship.

 

Remember, if he wasn't remorseful, transparent, and was taking every step to help you heal through the betrayal he caused, this was never going to work. Not wonder you were screaming, maybe more than the rest of us.

 

Put the focus on you! get busy with you, your life, your friends, family, job. take classes. feed and exhaust yourself on new, positive experiences.

 

Get to counseling and enjoy a neutral, third-person to vent upon and get some coping tips.

 

Mr. Empathy, he is not. The more distance you get from him, the better you will feel, the more you will realize how sick he was and how sick you were with him.

 

Good luck to you.

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Ninja'sHusband

I found out near the end of October in 2011. Soo...what is that? Almost a year and a half I guess.

 

I'm still pretty angsty. 6 months of trying to reconcile. Failed. I lived with her for 2 months after that. yuck... Now we are ~8 months separated and still trying to finalize the divorce. She handed me a bigger set of interrogatories than my lawyer has ever seen... After taking 4 months to complete the smaller set we sent them. I just want this over, it drags me back down into the abyss. I'm really down on marriage right now. I don't know how I could ever have another relationship with my current mindset. I just heard that if you marry someone who has kids, then even if you split quickly you are still responsible for those kids!? DUde forget that! What if I get married and she cheats 6 months in? F-that.

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Wow all these replies are so helpful, thank you so much. I got 2 carloads of stuff from our house last night without any problem.

 

A few late night texts telling me that I was the abuser in this relationship because I didn't leave sooner and put him through so much by leaving and trying to reconcile then leaving again. Seriously wtf. I mean he has a point, I should have come to my senses much earlier and left him, but I was confused and torn the past few months. I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean I am abusive, however. I would postulate that telling someone you love them, and then sleeping with other women and lying about it is closer to abusive behavior than being upset about said behavior, even if I was upset for (in his mind) too long and I should have gotten over it already.

 

No worries, today is a new day, ill be all moved in to my new place by the weekend.

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If he wanted you to get over it sooner than the 2 to 5 years it takes most of us, than either he is stupid, refuses to educate himself, still abusive and I can say with certainty, will cheat on you again as he has learned nothing.

 

Good riddance....and good luck to you.

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I found out July 2010. Her affair was for one year. We are still together but for me it's still very tough. All her lies still come to mind several times daily. MC stopped because we would argue after most sessions. We would argue because she wasn't telling the truth to the mc. One session the mc asked her didn't you realize the consequences? She says she was so caught up in the affair that she wasn't aware. On DD she told me that he asked what would I do if I caught them, to me that makes her aware. That was the last time she would come to MC. I didn't want to stop going.

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