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Signs of Remorse


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th February 2013, 9:08 PM   #1
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Signs of Remorse

Hi Everyone:

Anyone that knows me, knows I am an impatient soul. It has been four days since I told my WH to move out and I filed for divorce. I'm not sure if I would ever entertain the idea of taking him back, but I would like to see some remorse for his actions either way. He is the father of my kids, and I hope he has some sort of conscience.

So for those of you who cheated and moved out, when did you start to question your actions? When did you start to realize the OW or OM wasn't all he/she cracked up to be? Or for those BS, when did you start to see real remorse?

I know all situations are different, but there might be some similarities. Thanks all!!
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Old 5th February 2013, 9:21 PM   #2
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When he backed off making excuses and actually apologized for putting our family in jepordy. When he cried before I did while talking about the affair. When he deactivated his facebook without me asking. When I said to change all passwords so I couldn't snoop anymore and he left them the same. When he asks me to go to bed with him even if I am not tired. When he texts me to say he loves me and checks to make sure I am safe coming home. When he puts up with my bitchyness because I am triggering and does not take offense. The list goes on and on.

Each person is different and their way of dealing is different, but I hope that helps.
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Old 5th February 2013, 9:29 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused3232 View Post
Hi Everyone:

Anyone that knows me, knows I am an impatient soul. It has been four days since I told my WH to move out and I filed for divorce. I'm not sure if I would ever entertain the idea of taking him back, but I would like to see some remorse for his actions either way. He is the father of my kids, and I hope he has some sort of conscience.

So for those of you who cheated and moved out, when did you start to question your actions? When did you start to realize the OW or OM wasn't all he/she cracked up to be? Or for those BS, when did you start to see real remorse?

I know all situations are different, but there might be some similarities. Thanks all!!
I didn't see real and true remorse in her face until MONTHS later.

Some may figure it sooner - others later. Sounds like your stbxh is the "later" type.

So here's what you do: live. your. life.

Heal. IC. Wrap yourself with friends and family. Move forward exactly as you are doing - I wouldn't suggest waiting for him to change though.

And maybe, when reality REALLY hits him (he has to cook his own meals, iron his own shirts and the OW has flaws just like you)...he might begin to see things differently. Maybe. No guarantees.

So keep the D moving forward.
Speak only of kids and finances.
IF he comes back...you can then decide what to do.

Stop worrying about what MIGHT happen - he and the OW haven't made a real go of it yet - its still too new and now they can bone like teenagers at his place. That has to die first before anything really. Be patient.

Reality ALWAYS comes a knocking.

I know its not what you want to hear - but its what happened to me. And when my xWW truly tried to come back some months later (after life with OM fizzled - (turns out he was more interested in horizontal activity than handling my kids))- I had moved on, learned and grown. I didn't want her back. So I said no.
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Old 5th February 2013, 10:02 PM   #4
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Divorced October 2011 and I moved out of house January 2012. ExH would not let me stay in house to make payments while it sold and I was unable to stay there while he dated. I just could not do it. We are being foreclosed on because he would not pay his half. He then proceeded to move his hiney to where his gf lived, 4 hours away, coming back only every now and then, always with her. In the year that I have been gone, he has never asked me if I needed one thing. He doesn't help son. He has never asked about the dogs. Last week, his sister called and while talking, told me that he and gf were not getting along and they were fighting all of the time. She has been married 3 times and he is a cheater - go figure, right?

Lo and behold - he texts me yesterday. He is moving back down here this weekend. He wanted to know if he could see the dogs and did I have the taxes for 2011, which were sitting right on the library bookcase when I left, as I copied them for myself. Wtf? I told him I was busy and our son could take the dogs over there when he was home and I scanned the taxes and emailed them to him. I was cooperative, not friendly. I know what is coming. He is alone, just broken up with gf or something like that ? and my guess is he will find some remorse in him for what he has done. I don't trust that it would be real remorse. I don't think he has the character for that, but even so, while it would provide some peace in my heart and perhaps help with his relationship with our son, it is too late for us.

Move on with your life. Your H does not seem like he will be finding his conscience any time soon and waiting for it is just an exercise in futility and will lead to heartbreak. I don't believe that all people find remorse in their souls. Sometimes it is just they are alone now and afraid of their future without someone to lean on.

I agree with jwi71. I have learned so much in the last three years and they were lessons I did not want to learn. Life happens, it sometimes sucks and yet we persevere. Don't wait for him - go out there and enjoy life.

My 2 cents
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Old 6th February 2013, 7:35 AM   #5
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Thanks everyone. I have been slipping a little (not with him though). This is insanely hard and I give all of you credit for walking in these shoes before me. I just wish my life was different right now. It will get easier, I'm just hoping that comes sooner than later.
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Old 6th February 2013, 8:27 AM   #6
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Steen,
With the hell that man put you through for all of those years, I hope he does come to you asking for another chance or something. Then you can give him a big ol' one finger salute.

And as far as the dogs go, send him over a fresh steaming pile. Let him know that's all he gets to see of the dogs.
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Old 6th February 2013, 8:34 AM   #7
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I saw a lot of signs of remorse - that she wasn't a better liar.
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Old 6th February 2013, 10:36 AM   #8
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confused, initially he WILL miss mommy cooking and ironing and generally making his life easier.

Don't fall for that trap.

Then he will miss your kind friendship because I bet the OW is either really scared about whatever consequences you may rain down on her head and has tucked tail for awhile.

don't fall for that either.

You don't want to be his Plan B, default choice, soft-landing because SHE is not available as much anymore.

You don't want a man who returns for his children only, because trust me on this, you will resent it and always suspect he is searching again for someone new.

You want a man who loves you, cherishes you, pursues you, fights for you and cannot imagine a life without you and your love in it.

you want a man so abjectly remorseful of the actions he took in secret that EVEN HE cannot believe what he did and why he did it.

And until you see that partner, keep your distance and keep focusing on you and a strong, healthy future for you. Envision the life you DESERVE.

And if you ever start to see THAT man, the one remorseful and crazy in love with you, you will know it when you feel it.

ONLY then, could it be time for a cup of coffee.
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Old 6th February 2013, 3:24 PM   #9
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Confused, has he shown any remorse at all?
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Old 6th February 2013, 4:49 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by 96nole View Post
Steen,
With the hell that man put you through for all of those years, I hope he does come to you asking for another chance or something. Then you can give him a big ol' one finger salute.

And as far as the dogs go, send him over a fresh steaming pile. Let him know that's all he gets to see of the dogs.
LOL, 96. Yeah, he told me the dogs ages in his text and I thought, well, yeah, I am the one paying the vet bills, tooth removals, heartguard, etc. I think I know how old they are! His way of "chatting", I guess. What a piece of work!

I won't be going back to him!
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Old 7th February 2013, 9:06 AM   #11
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Confused, has he shown any remorse at all?
I've gotten the token "I'm sorry about all of this" but that's about it. He is usually angry more than anything else, which is confusing considering I didn't do a thing.
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Old 7th February 2013, 9:26 AM   #12
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I had an interesting day yesterday. I went to IC with our MC. So, she knows my H and our relationship. She wasn't surprised at all that he was still cheating all along, even though he sat there and lied to both of us.

The counselor is a phd and has been doing this for a very long time. She feels that it is odd for a man not to return to his roots especially given our situation of having two babies and only being married for 4 years. She also feels the level of betrayal is so bad (you all don't know the half of it) that she hasn't ever seen a case to this level. She feels that this will be a pattern throughout his life. He WILL cheat on the OW if she doesn't dump him first or if he gets tired of her. She said he will try and return, but I should not take him back because he will cheat again.

She also said he is the type of person who can categorize things, he has his outside persona and his hidden persona (the OW falls in this category). I
That is why he has not shown remorse because he does not feel guilty about either. This makes sense because he is so worried about his image in the community....I am the perfect wife, we have beautiful baby girls, we are successful, blah blah blah.
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Old 7th February 2013, 10:11 AM   #13
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I won't be going back to him!
I would drive up there and kick your ass, myself! Or burn your couch or something.
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Old 7th February 2013, 10:21 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Confused3232 View Post
I had an interesting day yesterday. I went to IC with our MC. So, she knows my H and our relationship. She wasn't surprised at all that he was still cheating all along, even though he sat there and lied to both of us.

The counselor is a phd and has been doing this for a very long time. She feels that it is odd for a man not to return to his roots especially given our situation of having two babies and only being married for 4 years. She also feels the level of betrayal is so bad (you all don't know the half of it) that she hasn't ever seen a case to this level. She feels that this will be a pattern throughout his life. He WILL cheat on the OW if she doesn't dump him first or if he gets tired of her. She said he will try and return, but I should not take him back because he will cheat again.

She also said he is the type of person who can categorize things, he has his outside persona and his hidden persona (the OW falls in this category). I
That is why he has not shown remorse because he does not feel guilty about either. This makes sense because he is so worried about his image in the community....I am the perfect wife, we have beautiful baby girls, we are successful, blah blah blah.
It's encouraging to know that your WH would have to go through your MC before he got to you.
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Old 7th February 2013, 10:33 AM   #15
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It's encouraging to know that your WH would have to go through your MC before he got to you.
Huh? Come again?
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