Fighting paranoia

[Trinfire]

Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster. I think I get most of the lingo but not all of it so my apologies if I mess some up. My d-day was some time in 2010. Spring perhaps? That whole time is a blur. My wife had suffered several miscarriages and I couldn't relate to her. I played the strong, resilient husband when she really needed someone to cry with her. We both played a fair amount of online games (World of Warcraft in particular) and its through there that she found someone to listen.

 

At first it was nothing, he was showing her how to play better so it made sense at the two spent a lot of time in the game together. After awhile it was later nights shed spend playing that first got my hackles up. My spider-sense was blaring, I knew something was going on but I couldn't put a finger on it so I never acted.

 

She ended up chatting a lot with K. Then it moved off of just the game into emails at work, and text messages at home. She tried her best to be discreet but sitting on a different couch tapping messages madly into your phone is as indiscreet as you can get. And yet I did nothing. It was unfathomable to me that anything would happen. I had never been exposed to indiscretion - it never happened to me and my parents for all I know were faithful to each other. Her family was a different story - dad had an affair, left mom. Sister had one night stand, etc etc. this history and my spider-sense had led me to initiate conversations such as "if you ever cheated on me, I'd want to know." when discussing her family's history.

 

She had to go to work in Ktown. She had notified K that she was going to Ktown to work and he made plans (she claims surreptitiously) to surprise here there. It would have been a big surprise as he's a young guy living in New Orleans and she's a 30 year old living in British Columbia, Canada. At any rate, he surprises her, they go to the bar, have a few too many drinks, they have sex. She is immediately upset the next morning and drives home telling him never to talk to her again.

 

They fall out of touch for a few months until things start up again. He says he has feelings for her, she claims feelings for him. But she's married, etc etc.

 

She has to travel for work again to Vancouver. He plans a rendezvous flying a long ways to see her. She is once again surprised but only meets him in public where she says they can't see each other anymore. He gets angry and grabs he, she gets scared and is even more adamant that they are through. He tells her he is going to go to our house and win her from me. She returns home.

 

I was in touch with her throughout the week and noticed a very huge swing in behavior. When she returned home quite upset, that night in bed I asked her what was going on. She explained everything above in detail.

 

My word fell apart.

 

Since then we have gone to couples counseling for 6 or 7 sessions. She is definitely committed to the relationship and she voices that and her affection for me on a regular basis. The sex life is slower than normal (although was fiery for a good 6 months post d-day) partly to my own disinterest. And we continue to try and move forward with things.

 

Except for the 3rd time in 6 months, an overwhelming sense of paranoia has nearly crippled me. I have her passwords to everything but her work emails, and there is no evidence of cheating anywhere, not social media, not calendar, not gaming, nothing. And yet, my mind constructs elaborate conspiracies on how she is. For example, one of her teammates in online gaming has a picture of an airport posted on Friday, and she'll be in Vancouver for the next two weeks in training so obviously he's going to see her. She doesn't talk about me in her game, and in her instagram feed there's no pictures of me or any mention of me, so she's obviously trying to appear unattached. She was out walking around Vancouver all Saturday and I had a hard time reaching her, so she was obviously hanging out with him and didn't want him to know about me. When I as talking to her that night, she was pretending to be sick in the bathroom so she could talk on thev phone to me without him knowing who she was talking to.

 

None of this makes any logical sense, and the only precursors are that they once had a day off at the same time and were in the same public voice chat channel. That's it - that's the only evidence I have of anything.

 

Yet my brain will fill the gaps with an amazing amount of stuff. Everything she does I will find a way to build it into the narrative above. She knows my issues and she's assured me many times that she's not doing anything bad, shes patient with my paranoia and blames herself for making me feel this way.

 

I don't know how to turn off the paranoia. Sometimes it's worse than others, but in this particular instance, it's like a fire alarm. Instinctually I'm in fight mode, but logically there is no there, there.

 

Save me LS, you're my only hope.

[whichwayisup]

First things first - she has to stop traveling. She can ask for a transfer to a different job so she doesn't have to anymore, or they can get someone else to go on those work trips. That is a huge issue, as you are not there and who knows what she's up to. Or she can quit and find another job. Until this changes your trust level and concerns will be there.

 

Sorry to say this, as honest as she's been with you, and kudos to her for coming clean, I believe there's more she's not telling you. Maybe they are casually in contact, many people have a hard time letting go and contact is broken, one or both cave. Now that doesn't mean the A is going to start up again, but it isn't a good thing at all for them to be in contact.

 

Some BS's allow a certain amount of time for relapses, but not for long before they get fed up and walk away.

 

Trust is an issue and it will be for a long time. She needs to keep reaffirming her love for you, be a total open book and be available for you so she can ease your mind.

 

Sorry for your pain.

Edited January 28, 2013 by whichwayisup

[Trinfire]

She is absolutely in NC with the OM. His last email to her we shared and responded to jointly and in his email he talked about how they hadn't been in contact for a long time. This new paranoia is completely unrelated to the original OM and is just me filling in blanks.

 

I find it hard to believe myself, but she has been honest. Or at least there's nothing to say she hasn't been. no secret emails or phone calls, while traveling we're in constant contact. I haven't really considered asking her to cut the travel part of her job as I think aside from not being able to physically watch her like a hawk (which I don't see as a sign of trust) there really is no issue with travel.

[MissBee]

I do hope BSs who have reconciled can help you. I definitely feel your pain.

 

I am not a betrayed spouse but I am prone to catastrophic thinking . Example, once in a while in relationships if I call and it goes into voicemail or goes unanswered say twice, I immediately start thinking the person is dead in a ditch or ignoring me for clandestine purposes lol. It is really irrational and doesn't happen always, as usually good sense prevails, but I know a part of it comes from paranoia and distrust I've inherited from having a serial cheater ,who is also often unreliable, as a dad. This leads me to often distrusting what a man I'm seeing is saying and assuming the worst or trying to preempt any lies and being one step ahead of the game aka paranoia. I often don't voice these concerns but they still bother me as I go through wild scenarios that are most often false.

 

Your case is clearly different, as your wife has cheated. I can't offer advice on dealing with paranoia as you reconcile, but can only say I commiserate with you. Knowing my own background with distrust and often being hyperalert about lies and infidelity in relationships where there is no evidence of cheating, it is very hard for me to imagine how I could reconcile post an A. When the person for all lack of evidence or logic isn't cheating I can sometimes work myself up into paranoia and play out innocent scenarios into soap operas so I imagine I would be a legitimate wreck if I in fact had enough "ammo" in that they did it before. Have you expressed this to your wife? One thing that helps me when I feel distrustful in a relationship is to express it to my partner and put the crazy out there so that I can be reassured. If you're still in counseling you could also bring up these bouts of paranoia in a safe space where your wife can hear and where the counselor can give feedback and suggestions to both of you.

[Trinfire]

Thanks MissBee, you voice exactly my problems! Hyper alertness.

 

I feel a lot of it stems from the affair and noticing things but not acting on them. My brain is pattern matching and trying to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I voiced much of this tonight on the phone with her. She knows that she 'broke' me and is open to anything that could help me. I may have made a breakthrough in just writing all that story down at the top. It's not things or events that are my triggers, it's relationships. If she has to spend time with a male coworker, my brain goes into overdrive and I concoct exactly what you said, soap operas. Once I got to know him, it doesn't register a beep.

 

Ive asked her if there's anything she can do about letting me into the circles of 'relationships' she has. Won't know anything until tomorrow.

[BetrayedH]

I don't want to go too far here but you sound a lot like me (almost verbatim) before I discovered 7 months into reconciling that my wife was still lying.

 

I recommend you re-read WWIU's post. It's solid counsel.

 

The technical term for what you're experiencing is hypervigilance. I would advise you not to call it paranoia. Your fears are not irrational. You say you're completely confident she's not in contact with the OM but that's obviously untrue or you wouldn't be here expressing those exact concerns. In fact, your fears are a completely legitimate and normal response to an enormous betrayal perpetrated by your wife.

 

By the way, it is not irrational to think that your WW and OM may have completely orchestrated both his email to your wife and your "joint" response to it or to think that they are meeting up for sex on these trips. This is not an uncommon tactic employed to take the affair further underground. Because this type of behavior is a distinct possibility, your fears of it are not irrational and it's not paranoia. It's a legitimate trust issue. WWIU is correct that your wife should transfer or find a new job.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I'm sorry to be blunt. It's awful. But you need to stop considering that you are the problem, that you are broken, or that you have mental issues. Your wife's behaviors were and are the problem and there is still work to be done for her to restore trust. This IS a trust issue and it is because of her affair.

[waterwoman]

And yet I did nothing. It was unfathomable to me that anything would happen. I had never been exposed to indiscretion - it never happened to me and my parents for all I know were faithful to each other.

 

Hi Trin, the quoted really resonates with me. I think those who are familiar with infidelity through family or friends, find it impossible to understand the complete innocence of those of us who aren't. Infidelity was not an option. Ever. It just wouldn't happen. It blew me away when all of a sudden it did. And I wonder if it makes it harder for us to feel safe again - if you really really didn't see it coming or suspect it, how the jeff are we going to see it next time?

 

In my case I am 99% sure that H is NC with OW, regrets the affair and wants to reconcile but sometimes I get gripped by such utter panic I feel sick and can't breathe. H wasn't my entire world before the A, he isn't now, but I guess I relied and trusted him way more than I understood and i've lost that stability.

[Trinfire]

Hmmm I feel the need to adjust the scope of the advice I'm looking for a little bit, as silly as it sounds. In terms of the original OM, I am 99% certain he is no longer an issue. I say only 99% because there is no way anyone can be 100% certain of anything nowadays. I don't lose any sleep over that and it's not been a concern for a long time now that he's in the picture. NC in this case would have been tremendously easy as I said in my original post because of limited resources and living on the other side of the continent. I suppose virtual contact could be maintained but I see no evidence of that, nor behaviors in her that would justify those thoughts.

 

My issue is hyper vigilance around potential new situations, new people. I do appreciate the concept of hyper-vigilance though; that at least provides a less victim centric view of what is going on in my head.

[whichwayisup]

Has your wife started going to counseling? on her own and with you (Marriage counseling)? She has issues (parents cheating, stuff from childhood) needs to learn boundries etc, so until she changes her own self inside and learns how to not choose to cheat or let any man close to her like she did once before, trust will be an issue for you. Yes you love her, you want to believe her that they are in total NC - Maybe they are! but as you say, it's not knowing what she is doing, maybe flirting or getting to know someone else, putting herself in situations that could lead to other things, that is worrisome for you.

 

do talk to her about the trips. Are they really necessary? Is she willing to give them up for the sake and sanity of you and your marriage?

[BetrayedH]

I still think that this has far more to do with her rebuilding trust that what you think but I also understand where your mind is at. So be it. Nobody could talk me out of it either.

 

If you want to work on this as if you are the problem, look up hypervigilance and PTSD.

[Trinfire]

It's totally with her rebuilding trust, and she's made a strong effort to do so; I honestly can't fault her for that. But trust is a two way street; she can rebuild trust but am I prepared to trust again?

 

I have improved, don't get me wrong. I don't feel 'panic' all the time as I used to. And it seems these hypervigilism episodes come less and less often; this is the second time in 6 months from what I can remember.

 

Thanks for the PTSD idea; I hadn't considered it - the popular perception of PTSD being after a violent episode but emotional violence cuts just as deep.

[BetrayedH]

You're right about it being a two-way thing. Very true. Reconciliation requires a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. The remorse has to come before you can decide if you can truly forgive. Conventional estimates place the process at somewhere between 2-5 years. You're in that range (Dday was in 2010, right?) so it's fair to be asking. To be honest, I see the onus on the wayward to make it shorter rather than longer. The biggest impact comes from seeing her consistent actions over time (a four-letter word). These trips make you vulnerable; they are an obvious and justifed trigger. I would focus much more on those (she should be voluntarily giving them up) much moreso than focusing on how you can choke down another shi t sandwich. From what I have seen, there's very little the BS can do to speed up the process. In fact, that pressure can slow things down whether if comes from you or your spouse. What I learned is that fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

As for you forgiving, I highly recommend reading a lot of the beyondaffairs.com website. That site, the author's book (mostly her perspective) and their monthly support groups for BSs did the most help for me on that subject.

 

Good luck.

[Trinfire]

Thanks BH, very insightful. I've haunted the beyondaffairs.com a fair bit but I've found that the discourse here is a little coarser which is more my style.

 

The trips are typically okay. She doesn't travel much and it's always within a couple hours of home, maybe once or twice every 2-3 months and typically for short periods of time. This time it's 2-3 weeks for project work and that made me hyper-sensitive. We are unaccustomed to being apart for long periods of time; not having kids (And not being able to have kids), and being relatively young, we've become really accustomed to having each other at arms length at all times.

 

We spent a lot of time on the phone last night going over exactly how I feel. She apologized for being the cause, apologized for the past, asked how she could help, reiterated that she's not doing anything, told me she loves me and she missed me and she wants to come home. I'm going out there for a weekend trip on Friday to break up the monotony a little bit. She has turned down trips a lot; this one was basically a 'have to do'. We're off to Vegas together in April and then are doing a hiking trip together at the end of June. After that, she has no trips for 18 months.

 

At the end of the day, I'm in a committed relationship that my own sense of security isn't committing to just yet. My heart is in it; my heart has always been in it - but the heart loves easily. The head is a stubborn bastard.

[turnera]

So she got scared straight with NO guy, but she continues to game with OTHER guys? And you allow it...why?

[Trinfire]

She did quit for a year at my request. It's only been 6-8 months that she's been playing again as part of my give-and-take that I trust her again. It's been a very slow process and maybe I have to put on the brakes and back it up a little bit. I'm not 100% okay with that - simply because I think that I'm being the problem here more than anything else.

 

As an update, last night in an epic stream of texts I did tell her I was triggering off interactions she's had with Tri. She's been in meetings this morning but she's read it all and has promised to get back to me when she gets a spare moment.

[Spark1111]

My H had an almost 2 year affair with a co-worker, and work remains my trigger too.

 

Gaming, trips, work will probably remain your triggers. that's normal.

 

You need to devise a plan, both of you, that will give reassurances.

 

We have carte blanch to visit each other at each other's offices; for lunch, for a hello, for whatever it takes to restore trust.

 

Why don't you and she game together? have a one-player interchangeable password? that way, if someone becomes inappropriate, thinking it is a she, you can voice those concerns to her.

 

Two to five years it can take to restore trust. Be kinder to yourself.

[Trinfire]

My H had an almost 2 year affair with a co-worker, and work remains my trigger too.

 

Gaming, trips, work will probably remain your triggers. that's normal.

 

You need to devise a plan, both of you, that will give reassurances.

 

We have carte blanch to visit each other at each other's offices; for lunch, for a hello, for whatever it takes to restore trust.

 

Why don't you and she game together? have a one-player interchangeable password? that way, if someone becomes inappropriate, thinking it is a she, you can voice those concerns to her.

 

Two to five years it can take to restore trust. Be kinder to yourself.

 

Thanks Spark, we do game together. Actually it was my original interest that got her interested in the first place. Oops! That's why the one-player interchangeable doesn't work. We wouldn't be able to play concurrently.

 

The plan for her travel includes daily calls, video chats, fairly constant texts; basically reassurance that nothing under-handed is going on. Unfortunately on Friday she went out for a long walk, taking pictures of downtown Vancouver and didn't text me until her walk back. She's apologized for not texting during but just found the walk relaxing and an opportunity to get away from work (Work phone, always buzzing or chirping). Before she left, we didn't reiterate the plan though, and that was my fault. I felt good about the travel, just sad about the length so I didn't push the plan as much as I 'should' have.

[Spark1111]

Well, it's okay to push for as long as you need to. And a supportive spouse will give you all you need to heal, even if it sounds crazy to you to even ask for it.

[Trinfire]

I put out all my crazy last night. We'll see what she responds with. I feel selfish sometimes; it's all about placating me and my fears. Many here would say "You're damn right, she should cater to that." and I don't disagree in principle, but in practice I don't want to be the guy who is "You had an affair 3 years ago, that means I can treat you like dirt forever!"

[aed]

I put out all my crazy last night. We'll see what she responds with. I feel selfish sometimes; it's all about placating me and my fears. Many here would say "You're damn right, she should cater to that." and I don't disagree in principle, but in practice I don't want to be the guy who is "You had an affair 3 years ago, that means I can treat you like dirt forever!"

 

You have every right to distrust your spouse. She was the one that betrayed you not the other way around!

 

You are not being selfish, you are being honest and open about what you feel!

You even take responsibility for your wifes cheating. (That you where not the man she needed at that moment).

 

Was she the woman you needed at that time, Is she the woman you need now? Has she always been the kind of woman you need?

 

If you want to forgive your wife, first start 'forgiving yourself' and accept that this is not on you. Allot of BS say that the WS needs to start being completely open and transparent, I think this also counts for the BS.

 

Some people here say it takes around 3 till 5 years too fully recover from an affair.

[turnera]

Did I misread something? Didn't you say that you think she's meeting up with one of her gamer friends on her travel?

[Trinfire]

Did I misread something? Didn't you say that you think she's meeting up with one of her gamer friends on her travel?

 

No, my paranoia has put together a circumstance where it's possible she could be meeting him, based on a photograph on his Instagram of him being at the airport delayed.

 

She's probably flabbergasted I've even constructed this elaborate situation.

[Trinfire]

You have every right to distrust your spouse. She was the one that betrayed you not the other way around!

 

You are not being selfish, you are being honest and open about what you feel!

You even take responsibility for your wifes cheating. (That you where not the man she needed at that moment).

 

Was she the woman you needed at that time, Is she the woman you need now? Has she always been the kind of woman you need?

 

If you want to forgive your wife, first start 'forgiving yourself' and accept that this is not on you. Allot of BS say that the WS needs to start being completely open and transparent, I think this also counts for the BS.

 

Some people here say it takes around 3 till 5 years too fully recover from an affair.

 

At that time, it was hard. We had 3 miscarriages in a row, dealing with the possibility of never having kids (now confirmed) and I was not equipped to deal with that kind of emotional trauma. I shut down without providing the kind of support that a husband should provide. Young and dumb - not able to communicate my feelings. That doesn't excuse anything in any way, but part of my healing process is determining "why".

 

Is she the kind of woman I need now? My wife is a shining star in my life. Some days it's just normal, but most days it's fantastic. I'm always amazed that I found someone that I have clicked with as much as her. Even 10 years of living together, and she's still the person I want to spend my time with. Our friends complain about our obvious affection for each other and I had one coworker comment that it's obvious how much I care for my wife.

 

Sometimes I think I'm naive; I had never planned on being married so I didn't subscribe too much to long term relationships. She was my first serious relationship - and then that was it, I was hooked.

 

 

I've contemplated revenge affairs and I just couldn't do it. After the pain I've gone through, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone else, especially her.

[Bryanp]

I have three quick questions.

1. Have you both been checked for STD's?

2. What allowed her internally to think it was acceptable to have sex with this OM and threaten your marriage. Would she have felt it was acceptable if the roles were reversed? Is it possible that she she thought that you were such a nice guy that no consequences would happen anyway and you would simply forgive her?

3. What has been the consequences to her actions?

[Trinfire]

1. After she woke up that next morning after their one sexual encounter, she went to the clinic to be checked for STDs. I found out 6 months later and did the same. I'm clean! WOO!

 

2. She's not a terribly confident person. Low self-esteem. So when a young guy who she shared a common interest started complimenting her, telling her she was unappreciated, sending her flowers, etc. and only being able to interact over email, text, it was easy to stay in control. When he showed up out of the blue in Kelowna when she was on business, the introduction of excessive alcohol into the situation knocked down any other barriers. She would tell me that she had considered herself "date raped" after having saying "no" at the beginning, but I've dismissed this as buyers remorse. That is cold and cruel of me. One sexual encounter and then 2 months of NC, where they started chatting again and he started the same cycle of compliments, 'your husband doesn't appreciate you', 'you should leave your husband'. I've asked if the roles were reversed and she says that she would hope I would stay to work it out.

 

3. She deleted all of her online characters, deleted the game, got rid of the iPod that she communicated to him with, gave me all of her passwords to every email account, Facebook account, twitter, etc. that she ever had. She had to call her parents to tell them what she did. I left for a couple days to stay with my parents where her did called and counselled me. I love her dad so I appreciated the effort he put into it.

 

And then she had to put up with my distrust and anger, mixed with fear and loathing for a year or so. We did 3 months of marriage counselling which we both found some benefit to and she's offered to go to it again, or to support me going to IC.

 

Other than that, I'm not sure what other consequences she could have.