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Wife thinks I cheated


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Ok so I have been married to my wife for 4 years we have two kids together. We've had problems in the past due to me looking at porn online. We've always been able to move past it but last week. My wife found emails between me and some women online from Craigslist ads. Nothing ever happened and I've tried to explain that as stupid as it was it was just another form of porn never had any intentions of meeting with these people but obviously she doesn't believe that. I've been living at my moms for a little over a week and its been the hardest week of my life. I don't know how to at this point show her that it was just me making a stupid mistake. I keep trying to explain that this time things are different and understandably she doesn't believe me. How can I show her that this time I get how I've hurt her. I was selfish for not respecting her and I know I'm scum and don't truly deserve another chance but I can't accept that this is the end. When we split she told me she's not sure what she feels and I get that but I've been trying to give her her space per her request but its hard robot talk to her about this as this is all I can concentrate on. She's informed me she's seeking counseling for herself and she seems to intend to go to marriage counseling but not until after she's ha some single sessions with her therapist. I am so lost right now. I'm looking for any helpful advice or anyone that's been through something similar that could maybe hate what they did that helped the situation. I don't want to lose her. My life feels so empty without her. Thanks in advanced

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We've had problems in the past due to me looking at porn online. We've always been able to move past it but last week. My wife found emails between me and some women online from Craigslist ads.

 

Do you understand why your wife thinks you've cheated? You may not have physically cheated on her, but your actions have shown her that you do as please, without thinking of her and her feelings. It is betrayal, and a form of cheating by chatting with various women on craigs list. Something inside of you is broken. Fix it!

 

DO counseling on your own too and tell her you plan on going to marriage counseling with her as well.

 

She's upset, rightfully so and doesn't believe you due to your past. Time, counseling and showing her not only in words, but in actions that you are worthy of another chance. Ask her to please give you time and not to think separation or divorce. You two have children so give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

You need to figure out why you feel the need to reach out to women you don't know on or offline. Ego feed?

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It was stupid I know and I am going to counseling I have an appoint ment after holidays as that was soonest I could get an appointment. It may be an ego feed. Idk. I am aware that I've shown her ill do as I please. I'm not sure why but I never truly saw things from her perspective until now.

I feel absolutely awful and this waiting right now not with no indication of what will come of this situation I've put us in is torture.

I feel like such crap. And I know she probably feels worse and that's what's making this harder.

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Tell her this. Exactly what you said.. Because it's genuine and honest.

 

All you can do is work on you, and give her time and space, when she is ready to talk, then discuss everything.

 

It's good you are putting her feelings now first. Trying to understand what damage has been done. It can be fixed if you two are both willing to work together! Obviously you two loved each other enough to get married and have kids, so remember why you fell in love with her.

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If you are responding to ads on CL what exactly did you think you were doing? You knew damn well what you were doing, you just got busted. Seems like you have a choice to make if she gives you another chance. Stop f*cking around.

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If you are responding to ads on CL what exactly did you think you were doing? You knew damn well what you were doing, you just got busted. Seems like you have a choice to make if she gives you another chance. Stop f*cking around.

 

Stop explaining to her that nothing happened. Something did happen. This happened. It's not nothing.

 

Also stop saying you get it this time. It implies you need supervision. I'm serious.

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Agreed. Stop defending yourself. You screwed up. You're sorry. Don't minimise this... In fact stop bringing it up to make it "go away"...

 

This needs to be "integrated". That is why she is taking time to re-assess and seek counseling. She needs to find out what this means to her.

 

If you caught her reaching towards another mans zipper to pull out his junk, would it make it any less of a betrayal that you stopped her before she completed the action? Barely. The intent is there. Stop saying "nothing happened". She must want to punch you in the face every time you say that.

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OP, there's nothing stopping you from picking up the phone and making a counseling appointment for yourself to work on the porn and CL issues. Don't talk about it. Just do it. Don't be concerned with what your wife is doing in that regard. Lead. Take responsibility.

 

If you engaged in behaviors with other women which, if performed in front of your wife, she did or would disapprove of, and you hid those behaviors from her, yep, you cheated, by LS standards anyway. Direct your work in counseling to cover that issue and develop your own healthy standards wrt cheating and infidelity.

 

Welcome to LS :)

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Full transparency is your only chance, untill she understands that you did not cheat.

 

I'd also offer to take a polygraph test.

 

What kind of problems did you have in the past by looking at porn online ?

How much time did you spend on it ?

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dreamingoftigers

I found my husband doing the same thing about 4 years ago. Right when I was 8 months pregnant.

 

(Just let me get this out of my system first: Guys like you are ****ing idiots!!!!:sick:)

 

Before his issue became full-blown sexual addiction involving other things and acts etc., it started with internet porn and went into sexsearch etc. where he messaged hundreds of women and some very obvious fake profiles (LOL).

 

Some advice for you:

 

1. QUIT minimizing it. Period. You will make no friends. You will piss her off. She will think that you are lying because right now she has NO REASON WHATSOEVER TO TRUST YOU.

 

2. Don't act pissed off AT ALL with her accusations. Validate her feelings of anguish, loneliness, hurt, despair and most of all underline that it is not because SHE is not enough, it is because you have an issue. It is because somewhere IN YOU is an INTIMACY ISSUE that you want to work on because you want INTIMACY WITH HER.

 

3. Get yourself in to see a sexual addiction specialist (ASTA or CSAT) to either be diagnosed or RULE IT OUT. Don't wait on this. Don't minimize it. You have two kids and a life that you would rather be living. Sexual addicts are often emotionally immature. Get whatever help you need because if you have a form of sexual addiction, it only gets worse and more ingrained. It won't just kill this marriage, it will kill mostly every relationship you could possibly have. My father and husband are both sexual addicts. One got help. The other, luckily, is my mother's problem. They haven't been happy for an incredibly long time.

 

4. Work on it! Actually work on it. Don't just blah blah blah I love you blah blah. Attend a group if it helps. Lots of time it does. It also helps to realize you aren't the only man in the world who feels compelled to risk his marriage over a compulsion.

 

5. Take a polygraph and disclose the truth about your activities, no matter what they may be. That is likely the only way to clear yourself or come out of hiding if your wife's accusations are correct.

 

6. Stop, just stop......really, is your family worth porn and crap? Really? And frankly, from experience, you guys just don't have sex as well when you are obsessed with porn etc. You kinda just go by the motions. I had exes that were into porn and others that weren't at all (religious) and honestly, the guys that spent less time on it were much better in the sack. Since H got help (and he actually had to go into treatment because his issues progressed so far, check my threads) he's been a rock star in bed. :love:

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Thegameoflife

I know why you watch porn, and e-mail these women. In porn, women want to get guys off. They want to suck that guy off, ride his cock, and want to make that guy cum hard, wherever he wants. Reality is much different for most women. They know men will cum regardless of whether they put in any effort. The resulting focus in our societies is on giving the woman pleasure, as an orgasm is not a sure thing for many women. The result is that sex has very little focus on men anymore. Women don't try to pleasure men, but think that men just get pleasure as a result of pleasuring a woman. This is true to some extent, until sex becomes a job without reward.

 

I'm tired of hearing this load of crap from women that men shouldn't do this and that because it upsets their wife or gf. Men are quite simple ladies, they seek out what they don't get from their significant other. He wants to fantasize about women that want to pleasure him. This is much different than a 18yo guy that wants to screw every woman he can as some kind of ego trip. It's much the same as men who want to have an ongoing affair with a woman. We do this because the OW, she respects us, accepts us, and puts our happiness first over her own. This is a powerful attraction. Break down that thought process that men cheat cause we're pigs, and start realizing that we're no different than you. Everyone understands a woman cheating cause she isn't getting the attention she needs, but men are just pigs when they do the same.

 

My advice to the OP, is that you need to discuss with your wife about the sexual issues in your marriage. Help her see that men actually have needs that are important, and they need to be met. She is allowed to be upset you were doing things behind her back. Help her understand why you did these things.

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My advice to the OP, is that you need to discuss with your wife about the sexual issues in your marriage. Help her see that men actually have needs that are important, and they need to be met. She is allowed to be upset you were doing things behind her back. Help her understand why you did these things.

 

If his needs include emailing other women for planned encounters (whether he intended to follow through or not), then good luck with that discussion. And this isn't a male/female issue as very few men - me included - would be comfortable with their wife's setting up f*ck buddy appointments through Craigslist. It's not just that he's gone about this the wrong way as you're implying, it's that he's doing things that are wrong. Get the difference :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thegameoflife
If his needs include emailing other women for planned encounters (whether he intended to follow through or not), then good luck with that discussion. And this isn't a male/female issue as very few men - me included - would be comfortable with their wife's setting up f*ck buddy appointments through Craigslist. It's not just that he's gone about this the wrong way as you're implying, it's that he's doing things that are wrong. Get the difference :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The entire post was about him using porn and craigslist to fulfill a need that wasn't being met. He doesn't have a need for porn and craigslist, but rather it's his substitute for what is missing in his relationship. Peope substitute for what's missing in relationships. That's the main root of almost all infidelity.

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The entire post was about him using porn and craigslist to fulfill a need that wasn't being met. He doesn't have a need for porn and craigslist, but rather it's his substitute for what is missing in his relationship. Peope substitute for what's missing in relationships. That's the main root of almost all infidelity.

You can use that approach to justify any appropriate or destructive behavior in a relationship. When you marry, the "needs" you commit to fill are your spouses. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're simply over-thinking this. I'd hate to think you're advocating cheating or any of the other wayward paths that WS take under the guise of unmet "needs"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - The root of almost all infidelity is narcissistic, self-centered, poorly communicated, thoughtlessly executed, heartlessly conceived and deceptive behavior by unfaithful spouses.

Edited by Mr. Lucky
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shatteredspirit

First--You have to me 100% willing to do the hard work...--My husband was really good at being transparent after his full on confession of everything. I think you should ask her to a mutual place to talk. Be completely open and honest about everything. Answer any question she has openly and honestly, and be willing to be fully accountable. Get rid of internet or/and computers. If this is not a possibility have her with you while you are working online. Give her PWs to all email accts. and any other PW protected anything. allow her to check your phone everyday, and also allow her to check your phone bill. (most cell phone carriers have every number called and received). This is just a start. You should also be open to counseling if this addiction is a serious problem, and tell her that you want to be open about your problem and that you would also like her help and support in conquering it.

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shatteredspirit
The entire post was about him using porn and craigslist to fulfill a need that wasn't being met. He doesn't have a need for porn and craigslist, but rather it's his substitute for what is missing in his relationship. Peope substitute for what's missing in relationships. That's the main root of almost all infidelity.

 

I didn't see that he said he was fulfilling something that was missing...Now I am wondering if that is the case....My husband had an infatuation with sex and porn. It had nothing to do with anything that was missing, and a lot of men do have this issue.

 

"Wife thinks I cheated" guy-- was something missing from home or is this just an issue for you?????

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Thegameoflife

I don't feel passing moral judgment is helpful to the situation. Morality is simply a manufactured construct created by a long dead Greek with the idea the all actions can be classified as "Good or Bad", or "Good and Evil". The reality is that morality is based more in ideology rather than in truth. A perfect example of this is the paradox that killing is bad, but acceptable in war. Regardless of situation, killing is killing, yet people and groups have decided they are different. This is proof that all morals are subject to the ideology of an individual or group, and not based on some universal truth. Morality has been debunked for centuries that it doesn't reflect a universal truth, but is still taught and instilled in the mass populous as a means of control over the chaos of human nature. Essentially, morality uses conscience of individuals against them, by creating negative emotions as a result of self-judgment and peer judgment. Probably the number one cause of suicide in western nations.

 

I wouldn't say he did anything wrong, but his actions will definitely work against him and his wife trying to solve their issues. I don't think anyone has the life experience or understanding of humanity to pass judgment on anyone for any ideological reasons. If you're a Christian, it says in the bible that nobody should pass judgment on others, as it's pride in your own abilities to understand all. Then God sent forth his son, with this understanding, and he decided to forgive instead of judge. I guess reading comprehension has never been a strong skill of people.

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Ok so I have been married to my wife for 4 years we have two kids together. We've had problems in the past due to me looking at porn online. We've always been able to move past it but last week. My wife found emails between me and some women online from Craigslist ads. Nothing ever happened and I've tried to explain that as stupid as it was it was just another form of porn never had any intentions of meeting with these people but obviously she doesn't believe that.

 

Sorry dude, you cheated. Just because you haven't met up with anyone doesn't mean you aren't being unfaithful.

 

And you know damn well if you found yourself in a hotel room with another hundreds of miles away from your wife that your porn lovin', craiglist online sex trolling self would be doing the Humpty dance.

 

Obviously she thinks you are cheating because you ARE cheating.

 

Craigslist is about solicitation.

 

I've been living at my moms for a little over a week and its been the hardest week of my life. I don't know how to at this point show her that it was just me making a stupid mistake.

 

She caught you with porn before, she now catches you trolling for sex online later.

This isn't a stupid mistake. Its who you are. A mistake is something that happens because you didn't know the right thing to do and it happens ONCE after you find out you were wrong. You look at porn and trolled online for sex because you WANTED to.

 

I get so sick and tired of people trying to downplay their actions by illogically saying it was a mistake.

 

 

I keep trying to explain that this time things are different and understandably she doesn't believe me.

 

How is it different? Did you all of a sudden lose the desire to look for other women for sex?

 

 

How can I show her that this time I get how I've hurt her.

 

How could you have not gotten that you were hurting her before? Thats the problem. Why only NOW do you realize you hurt someone by betraying them?

 

 

I was selfish for not respecting her and I know I'm scum and don't truly deserve another chance but I can't accept that this is the end. When we split she told me she's not sure what she feels and I get that but I've been trying to give her her space per her request but its hard robot talk to her about this as this is all I can concentrate on. She's informed me she's seeking counseling for herself and she seems to intend to go to marriage counseling but not until after she's ha some single sessions with her therapist. I am so lost right now. I'm looking for any helpful advice or anyone that's been through something similar that could maybe hate what they did that helped the situation. I don't want to lose her. My life feels so empty without her. Thanks in advanced

 

If by chance she does give you another chance, you better run with it.

 

No more getting online, creating online accounts without her knowing. You give her access to your emails, passwords, etc. Those are the things that shouldn't have to be given up, but since you have proven yourself untrustworthy, you now should have to lose privacy. Because YOUR privacy is disrespectful to her.

 

She tells you to jump, you ask "how high?" This may sound controlling. Its not. You had the benefit of the doubt before. You f****d that up. Now you either do as she wants to give her peace of mind, or you don't waste any more of her time.

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Thegameoflife
You can use that approach to justify any appropriate or destructive behavior in a relationship. When you marry, the "needs" you commit to fill are your spouses. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're simply over-thinking this. I'd hate to think you're advocating cheating or any of the other wayward paths that WS take under the guise of unmet "needs"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - The root of almost all infidelity is narcissistic, self-centered, poorly communicated, thoughtlessly executed, heartlessly conceived and deceptive behavior by unfaithful spouses.

 

Actually, I haven't made an excuse or any kind of justification. You're assuming that from absolutely nothing. I think I'm simply just stating that there are causes and affects.

 

Seriously, your description of an unfaithful partner, is that they are all psychopaths. We can both see this isn't true, because we see remorse in almost all the people who have been unfaithful on this site. They don't fit your profile at all. However, it tells me that someone cheated on you, and it's made you angry and bitter. To cope with it, you've vilified them, and all unfaithful people to allow yourself to hold onto it. Judging by the pain you carry, you loved this person a lot. I'm guessing you also had kids with them, and what you thought was a loving home. And then bam, wrench in the wheels and the train came of the tracks abruptly. You've since blamed them for breaking your home. You don't like what I'm saying, because I paint a picture of misguided people, ones who make understandable mistakes. This doesn't fit your view, so there must be something wrong with me.

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Full transparency is your only chance, untill she understands that you did not cheat.

 

The day he set out the call for women on CL is the day he cheated. You don't have to do the deed to be unfaithful.

 

He knew what he was doing on CL, he just didn't have the opportunity to hook up with any of the women before his wife caught him.

 

I'd also offer to take a polygraph test.

 

Uh huh. I can see the outcome of that one.

 

Maury: "When asked did you intend to meet any of the women on Craigslist if the opportunity arose.....you said no, and the lie detector test determined.....thats a lie"

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Ok so I have been married to my wife for 4 years we have two kids together. We've had problems in the past due to me looking at porn online. We've always been able to move past it but last week. My wife found emails between me and some women online from Craigslist ads. Nothing ever happened and I've tried to explain that as stupid as it was it was just another form of porn never had any intentions of meeting with these people but obviously she doesn't believe that. I've been living at my moms for a little over a week and its been the hardest week of my life. I don't know how to at this point show her that it was just me making a stupid mistake. I keep trying to explain that this time things are different and understandably she doesn't believe me. How can I show her that this time I get how I've hurt her. I was selfish for not respecting her and I know I'm scum and don't truly deserve another chance but I can't accept that this is the end. When we split she told me she's not sure what she feels and I get that but I've been trying to give her her space per her request but its hard robot talk to her about this as this is all I can concentrate on. She's informed me she's seeking counseling for herself and she seems to intend to go to marriage counseling but not until after she's ha some single sessions with her therapist. I am so lost right now. I'm looking for any helpful advice or anyone that's been through something similar that could maybe hate what they did that helped the situation. I don't want to lose her. My life feels so empty without her. Thanks in advanced

 

What a mess you've made.

 

I do think you are taking the proper steps to correct it. But YOU don't get to make the decision - she does. And she made decide otherwise and simply file for D.

 

You have taken some proper steps - the counseling appointment, moving in with your Mom. Be fully and wholly transparent. Do NOT expect to fix this overnight. IT may take months or years to fix - IF it can be fixed.

 

I would:

give up the internet unless your W is present.

get a basic non-internet pre-paid phone

deliver all passwords to every email you have.

Put a GPS in your car

be fully accountable and reachable 24x7

...seems outrageous...read on...

 

You are essentially a cheater without having cheated. Sadly, you gave the impression and lets face it, its a reasonable one for anyone to draw. Furthermore, you have a credibility problem - namely who hits up local CL whores for coffee and a bit of naughty emails? No one. You can do that online with women and even cam shows to boot. The ONLY reason to track down local CL whores is to f_ck them.

 

I'm not vested at all in this and I don't believe you. Cant imagine what her friends and father are saying to her...and if I can think this out so can they.

 

You MUST rebuild trust.

And that means going to extremes to PROVE you CAN BE trusted.

So do my little list.

 

Its a great first step that shows just how serious you are.

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However, it tells me that someone cheated on you, and it's made you angry and bitter. To cope with it, you've vilified them, and all unfaithful people to allow yourself to hold onto it. Judging by the pain you carry, you loved this person a lot. I'm guessing you also had kids with them, and what you thought was a loving home. And then bam, wrench in the wheels and the train came of the tracks abruptly. You've since blamed them for breaking your home.

I will say without hesitation, guilty as charged except for the bitterness. I'm happily remarried and have moved on with my life.

You don't like what I'm saying, because I paint a picture of misguided people, ones who make understandable mistakes. This doesn't fit your view, so there must be something wrong with me.

Boy, can you spitshine a turd. The truth is that right and wrong do exist. That there are values that are important and obligations that honest and ethical people hold themselves to. All the sliding scales and strawmen that you can set up don't change the fact that infidelity is more than "misguided people" making "understandable mistakes". It's a betrayal at the deepest level of the one person you vowed to honor. A mistake is buying Honey Nut Cheerios when the shopping list said Multigrain. Cheating on your spouse falls into a whole different category...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thegameoflife
I will say without hesitation, guilty as charged except for the bitterness. I'm happily remarried and have moved on with my life.

 

Boy, can you spitshine a turd. The truth is that right and wrong do exist. That there are values that are important and obligations that honest and ethical people hold themselves to. All the sliding scales and strawmen that you can set up don't change the fact that infidelity is more than "misguided people" making "understandable mistakes". It's a betrayal at the deepest level of the one person you vowed to honor. A mistake is buying Honey Nut Cheerios when the shopping list said Multigrain. Cheating on your spouse falls into a whole different category...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I didn't say they don't exist, I just said we just make them up. We make up all the rules and compromises in our marriages. People shouldn't sign on to expectations taller than themselves.

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I didn't say they don't exist, I just said we just make them up. We make up all the rules and compromises in our marriages. People shouldn't sign on to expectations taller than themselves.

Thegameoflife, are you married? In a relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

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