Jump to content

twenty years down the drain


screwedovertwenty

Recommended Posts

screwedovertwenty

I met my husband twenty years ago. We married three years later. He had three dui's in a year. He showed up to the hospital with his drinking buddy the night I had our son. This was all within the first few years of marriage. One of the dui's was on his way to pick up our babies when one was only three weeks old. I was back at work as a waitress already, trying to pay for the lawyer for his first dui. I stuck through all of that for the sake of the kids. God how I wish I hadn't now. I drove him around for five years.

 

In 2006, I found an inappropriate card in the car that we shared from a female coworker. I was devistated. He assured me it was just flirting. I was completely devistated and came very close to starting an inappropriate relationship of my own, but didn't want to hurt the other person and stopped it before it started.

 

Things have never really been great since. Our relationship somehow turned into only a sexual one. That's the only thing he ever wanted from me. I began being less and less interested in sex. It became a chore to me. I have been considering for some time how I could get out of the relationship. We have three great kids though and I would do nothing to mess up their lives. In the back of my mind, I planned that when the kids were all done with school, we could just move on. I have avoided starting any extra marital relationships with anyone, even if the attention feels good. I am a waitress and have had plenty of invitations. All I have turned down. Not neccessarily for the fact that I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to be the one to screw things up and hurt the kids.

 

I actually hoped that he would do something to screw up so that I could get out of this loveless marriage. Unfortunately I had no idea it would devistate me when it actually happened. We have six years before the youngest graduates.

 

My world fell apart on Tuesday. I caught him in a lie. I decided to look up phone records and found out that he has had another innappropriate relationship with someone for two years! He says she is a lesbian. I actually believe that there probably wasn't any sex and that is how he justified keeping her a secret from me. I am devistated by the secret. I am devistated by the fact that he talked to her and all he did with me was have sex. They talked and texted several times a day for two years and I knew nothing. We just celebrated our seventeen year anniversary and he called and texted her several times that day but never called me.

 

I wanted this to end, so I do not know why it hurts so bad. I haven't eaten since tuesday and I am too skinny as it is. I have been in the fetal possition for days. The only reason I got out of bed yesterday was to pick my daughter up from school.

 

He apparently had no idea that what he was doing was wrong. He is sorry sorry sorry. He told the girl they couldn't be friends anymore. I told him that he is going to need a friend and he should keep her. I told him I am done and have nothing left to give. I want to just never have to see his face again.

 

Unfortunately the kids no absolutely nothing about this. They think their parents are normal. This would ruin them. Financially I am screwed without him. He says I don't have to do anything. He will do all of the work. I told him that I am just going to avoid him at all costs. I just don't know what to do. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hugs. Please see an attorney to know what your rights are to proceed with divorce.

 

Go to an al-anon meeting ASAP.

 

You need counseling to sift through your pain.

 

Best wishes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick

Why file for divorce now after you've put up with so much for so long? What's the rush? Why not get all your ducks in a row first and then file when you are set and ready?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This isn't just about him cheating . It's about all of the other betrayals, like the alcoholism, and the idea that you put up with it and he still doesn't appreciate you. Maybe you are frightened and confused because now, this time, you know you have to make the big changes you have been wanting and fearing.

 

Act.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
screwedovertwenty
Hugs. Please see an attorney to know what your rights are to proceed with divorce.

 

Go to an al-anon meeting ASAP.

 

You need counseling to sift through your pain.

 

Best wishes.

 

I forgot to mention that he quit drinking and has been sober for fourteen years. I never did go to an alanon meeting. I know I should have. I don't think he ever really did the twelve steps because I do not remember a heartfelt apology for everything that I went through.

 

I told myself that I would not go to marriage counceling. I am not the one who needs it. Maybe I do need alanon. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
screwedovertwenty
Why file for divorce now after you've put up with so much for so long? What's the rush? Why not get all your ducks in a row first and then file when you are set and ready?

 

I am in no way ready to be on my own with three kids and a housefull of pets. I told him last night that he could stay, but that we were going to lead separate lives. I said that we will keep on pretending to the kids. There will be no sex. There will be no touching. I said I would be free to do what I want and he would be free to do what he wants. He agreed and asked if, in a few months, he could ask me out on a date. I told him I don't know.

 

I am afraid that is my only choice for right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
screwedovertwenty
This isn't just about him cheating . It's about all of the other betrayals, like the alcoholism, and the idea that you put up with it and he still doesn't appreciate you. Maybe you are frightened and confused because now, this time, you know you have to make the big changes you have been wanting and fearing.

 

Act.

 

It is about everything all rolled up into one! I think you really nailed this. I think I feel worse now than I did every other time. I feel like the last two years have been a lie. Everything.

 

I am humiliated that I have forgiven him again and again and again. I don't forgive anyone! I hold grudges forever!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
screwedovertwenty

I am honestly considering going to his job (he is a cook), sitting down at the bar, getting drunk and leaving with some random dude, right in front of him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am honestly considering going to his job (he is a cook), sitting down at the bar, getting drunk and leaving with some random dude, right in front of him.

 

I don't recommend making matters worse by stooping to or below his level.

 

Please seek counseling to find out why you don't require more respect for/from yourself.

 

Don't add more negativity to the already massive amounts you're trying to handle.

 

I'd say divorce him - get support money to help you move forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
screwedovertwenty

He admitted to everything. There was sex one time and then they continued to fool around and sext. I didn't think I could hurt any worse, but I am beyond anything I have ever felt in my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...