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Can't Move Past My Guilt


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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  • 1 Post By BetrayedH
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Old 14th November 2012, 1:45 PM   #1
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Can't Move Past My Guilt

I understand this is a section for infidelity in marriage, but I hope this still applies here as it's about someone I plan on marrying and I really could use some help with this one.

My girlfriend and I have been together since high school and we both just graduated college. I was an idiot for a very long time and cheated on her when we were still in high school. Nothing ever led to sex (although oral was involved with two of them), but it was about 5 girls and mostly hooking up. There was never anything longstanding with them and only two happened more than once. After high school, I drunkenly kissed two girls and continued to talk to some, but it essentially stopped.

I kept this from my girlfriend at first because I just didn't want to get caught. It sounds unbelievable probably, but I still loved her and didn't do this because the relationship meant nothing. At least that was my thinking at the time. Then it changed years later and I began to feel the crushing weight of the things I had done.

At that point I still kept it from her because I knew I wasn't going to do it again and I had read in places it was better to not tell as I would only be saying it to make myself feel better about confessing. I thought it would achieve nothing, but hurt her and relieve my burden. Well I finally couldn't take it and told her each of the girls I had hooked up with and we are thankfully still together.

It made me feel better that she knew I was unfaithful and we made it through, but now I still feel guilty because I left out the oral. didn't include one girl I saw topless, and didn't say how I kept talking to them (although she knew I would talk to them occasionally). I left out those details so I wouldn't hurt her any more than I had to.

Is it worth telling her that? Am I just suffering from the guilt of my actions and thinking letting that out will make me feel better when it won't? I sometimes think I don't deserve her because I was so stupid and if she had known everything I would've lost her. What should I be doing here?

For those of you who have cheated does it ever get better? Did I doom my relationship that many years ago? I want to marry this girl she is everything I want in life and I wish I had known enough then to not be so stupid. I'm not the same person as I was then and hate who I used to be.

Sorry for such a long post, but I have been barely eating lately and I feel terrible. It haunts me nonstop and makes me sick. Thank you for those of you who have taken the time to read this and I hope you can give me some guidance here.
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Old 14th November 2012, 1:54 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LAWoeMan View Post
It made me feel better that she knew I was unfaithful and we made it through, but now I still feel guilty because I left out the oral. didn't include one girl I saw topless, and didn't say how I kept talking to them (although she knew I would talk to them occasionally). I left out those details so I wouldn't hurt her any more than I had to.
If you left out any of the facts regarding the sexual contact, what did you tell her happened ???

I won't offer an opinion as to whether one should confess past transgressions. However, I will observe that if your goal was to confess, sounds like you fell short...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th November 2012, 2:11 PM   #3
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She must know you lack character and values ... My question is - why would she stay when you disrespect her on such a huge level over an extended period of time?

She must not think highly of herself. She's settling.

She deserves better.
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Old 14th November 2012, 2:24 PM   #4
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She must not think highly of herself. She's settling.

She deserves better.
Sorry 2Sunny, disagree with you here. I can't say high schoolers are the beacon of wise choices and emotional maturity. To say he is not worth being and that she has self-esteem issues is counter-productive. Nature arms teens with genitalia, then forgets to include the warning level.

What is important is that he has come clean(ish) and she is willing to move forward. And much like the mistakes we make in high school, he still ahs more to learn from this one.

LaWoeMan, does this need more confession? How did you confess? I don't advocate the lie, but if you confess further, even if you confess everything down to which nipple you liked better, she won't believe thats all; it will seem like thats just all you are brave enough to tell her.

If you minimized the whole confession to ensure the best outcome for yourself, well then you aren't done confessing, and probably shouldn't keep the rest from her. Otherwise you are building your future of a foundation of a bigger lie. You will be taking credit for being man enough to come clean, when you only lied more.

The answer to those questions will decide whether you work on the future with your girl and move forward from your past, or admit to everything and put your fate in her hands. We weren't there, so it isn't our choice to make for you
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Old 14th November 2012, 2:40 PM   #5
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To base a standard on immaturity and untruths is very unwise.
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Old 14th November 2012, 2:42 PM   #6
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You have been doing what is known as, "trickle-truthing" your GF. It's so common we even abbreviate as TT here. It's a common trip hazard.

It you want any hope if a truly intimate relationship with this girl that is going to last a lifetime, you can't have these kinds of secrets between you. She also deserves to know the truth so she can make an informed decision about how to mov forward with her life. Your lies are tremendously disrespectful to a girl that has stayed with you even through unfaithfulness.

What should you do? You should get into individual therapy for yourself and to give your GF some hope that you will legitmately change your ways. Learn to live an authentic life. This includes coming COMPLETELY clean with her; you have a screwed this up once and you're now going to have to start over with her at square one.

From what I have seen, TT after an affair is the final nail in the coffin more often than the affairs themselves. By continuing to lie, you teach them that you can NEVER be trusted and that is a far bigger issue than your mistakes from years ago that you're trying to admit and correct.

Your only other choices here are to take your lies to the grave or to leave her.
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Old 14th November 2012, 3:13 PM   #7
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I think you might feel better and be able to forgive yourself if you cut ALL contact off with those girls. Why keep in touch? They aren't friends..Not real or true friends to you. Those girls aren't important in your life so cut them out. Ego feed is why I could see you having them around.

I feel, and I could be wrong, you not admitting the oral, was more to protect yourself and the fallout/reaction of your gf than anything else. Maybe back then if she knew the FULL truth instead of just filtered truths that you gave her, she may have walked away and ended it with you. Oral is personal and intimate.... I really hope too, you had an STD check done (herpes). God forbid you gf gets something..
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