Summerlove Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color] I'm 25 years old, and have been with my husband since I was 18. I have been married 4 1/2 years, and with him for a total of 7. Last year, I had a short affair. I admitted to it, mainly due to guilt, and promised that it wouldn't happen again. The problem is that it has. I really do love my husband, but I don't think that I am in love with him. And the truth is, I'm falling for the man I'm having an affair with. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, generous, loving, and supportive. He tells me that I am his Angel and the love of his life. I do believe him, but I am beginning to drift farther and farther away. At some point, I think I just changed and we grew apart. I'm afraid of losing him, but am also afraid of losing out if I give up my affair. I have told my husband that I want to work on things, and he is trying, but deep down I don't think I want to work things out. I got married young and am grateful for the time we've had together, but I am mostly afraid to hurt him. I want to explore what else is out there because I know I have missed out on a lot. I don't think it's fair to him, or to me. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am hurting him by not being faithful, and hurting myself for not sharing my true feelings and allowing myself to be happy again. I'm falling for this new man and have no idea what to do. I'm considering separation, but I think divorce is inevitable. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 Well, here's a clue. Working on your marriage works a heck of a lot better if you are not having an affair at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I think marriage counseling is your best bet if you are having such mixed feelings. The passionate 'in love' feeling lasts, on average (according to researchers) only a short time. Maybe a few years....maybe a little longer. Then you move into a different stage where the love feels different. That's normal. If you leave your husband for a new relationship, chances are over time the passion will burn itself out and you will be left in the same boat. What is it that's missing from your relationship? Maybe you two are not having enough emotional contact, day to day. Maybe things have gotten a little stale. You can work on that. It's worth seeing if you can recover some of what was lost before trashing a 7 year relationship. There are a lot of lonely people out there who would love a 'loving, supportive' partner like your husband. Sometimes we dont' realize what we have until it's gone. I'd strongly advise you to seek the advice of a third party. Link to post Share on other sites
from ND Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 why did you cheat on him to begin with???? If you are confused about who you wannt to be with, you should be by yourself, not play games with people, I think its COOL, that you were honest with him, but if you feel unsure about the marriage, you need to take his feelings into consideration, be real with him or get out. Link to post Share on other sites
2alone Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 First you need to decide what you or who you want. but please have enough respect for your husband to let him know what is going on. I don't feel anything can be worked out {no matter what the 2 of you decide}if he is in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I have told my husband that I want to work on things, and he is trying, but deep down I don't think I want to work things out. I got married young and am grateful for the time we've had together, but I am mostly afraid to hurt him. I want to explore what else is out there because I know I have missed out on a lot. I don't think it's fair to him, or to me. The deception goes from bad to worse. You have lied to your husband about your concealed affair and you have lied to him about the sincerity of your intentions and motives to, as you say, "work on things." Some relationships can tolerate more lies than others. I don't believe that yours is one of them. You've already passed sentence on your marriage. It's time to pull the switch. If not for you, then for your poor deceived spouse. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
kim654321 Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by Summerlove [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color] I'm 25 years old, and have been with my husband since I was 18. I have been married 4 1/2 years, and with him for a total of 7. Last year, I had a short affair. I admitted to it, mainly due to guilt, and promised that it wouldn't happen again. The problem is that it has. I really do love my husband, but I don't think that I am in love with him. And the truth is, I'm falling for the man I'm having an affair with. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, generous, loving, and supportive. He tells me that I am his Angel and the love of his life. I do believe him, but I am beginning to drift farther and farther away. At some point, I think I just changed and we grew apart. I'm afraid of losing him, but am also afraid of losing out if I give up my affair. I have told my husband that I want to work on things, and he is trying, but deep down I don't think I want to work things out. I got married young and am grateful for the time we've had together, but I am mostly afraid to hurt him. I want to explore what else is out there because I know I have missed out on a lot. I don't think it's fair to him, or to me. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am hurting him by not being faithful, and hurting myself for not sharing my true feelings and allowing myself to be happy again. I'm falling for this new man and have no idea what to do. I'm considering separation, but I think divorce is inevitable. Any suggestions? Well im in the exact same boatas u and do not know what to do plz email me. Thanks Kim x Link to post Share on other sites
man_with_no_plan Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I am kind of in the same boat. Difference is that I have not committed the act yet. My wife and I have been together for four years and I love her but I there is no energy between us. One day I feel like if she wasn’t mind I’d die and then one day I feel as unhappy as unhappy can be. To make matters worse, a colleague of mine and I have expressed GREAT interest in one-another. Problems are many but biggest ones are that 1) she is also married, and 2) she has two kids, contrary to us having none. Thing is that there is this CRAZY sexual energy between me and this colleague that it is just unreal. I have to literally pull myself away to avoid doing something I regret. She is worse than me! She is crazy about me and she can’t stop talking about getting together. I am so confused. I want the colleague as there is this UNBELIEVABLE chemistry between us. But I don’t want to do my wife wrong either. I couldn’t live with myself. I know if I get a divorce I will never get married again. I won’t be “that guy.” My wife and I will NEVER have that energy, never had and never will. Do I break her heart and break it off, do I have an affair quietly and feel like an ass, or do I go jump off a cliff?! Link to post Share on other sites
Summerlove Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I understand that you're in the same position I am in. If you would ever like to talk, just become a member so that we can email one another. Good luck and please don't lose hope. Summerlove Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 oh my gosh, i am dying each day because i am in a similiar boat... want to chat? Well im in the exact same boatas u and do not know what to do plz email me. Thanks Kim x Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 wow, for a man to admit this, i give you so much credit. i am a female, but respect what you have shared. i am in the same situation so if you ever want to talk. here is my email [email protected]. hope all works out... I am kind of in the same boat. Difference is that I have not committed the act yet. My wife and I have been together for four years and I love her but I there is no energy between us. One day I feel like if she wasn’t mind I’d die and then one day I feel as unhappy as unhappy can be. To make matters worse, a colleague of mine and I have expressed GREAT interest in one-another. Problems are many but biggest ones are that 1) she is also married, and 2) she has two kids, contrary to us having none. Thing is that there is this CRAZY sexual energy between me and this colleague that it is just unreal. I have to literally pull myself away to avoid doing something I regret. She is worse than me! She is crazy about me and she can’t stop talking about getting together. I am so confused. I want the colleague as there is this UNBELIEVABLE chemistry between us. But I don’t want to do my wife wrong either. I couldn’t live with myself. I know if I get a divorce I will never get married again. I won’t be “that guy.” My wife and I will NEVER have that energy, never had and never will. Do I break her heart and break it off, do I have an affair quietly and feel like an ass, or do I go jump off a cliff?! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 After reading all these replies of people who are going through the same thing, I am beginning to really understand more and more that humans are not monogamous by nature. It's unbelievable how many people out there are unable to understand what their feeling really are, and are not able to control them. I really think there are a very select few of us that can maintain monogamy, and we somehow have evolved further mentally and emotionally than people who drift easily out of commitment. Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 Hello, It is extremely unfair what you are doing to your husband. You cheated time and again and put your husband's health at risk for STD's. You admitted the affair to your husband (which I commend you on) and vowed to work on your marriage. He forgave you and now you continue to have sex with your lover. You say you don't want to lose your husband but also do not want to lose your lover....Oh Please! I guess it is acceptable to you to continue to disrespect and humiliate your husband. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? I think you need to be honest with your husband and allow him again to make a decision if he wishes to stay with you or find someone else in his life who will truly love and respect him since you seem incapable of doing this. By the way you better think long and hard about your OM. Apparently it does not bother him in the least to continue to have sex with a married woman behind her husband's back. He sounds like a really prize to me (sic). Remember the old saying: If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Again you need to be honest with you husband again. If you do not do this then you are clearly using him as a safety net. Allow him to make a choice in his life about whether to continue to stay in a marriage with a wife who has no problem continuing to humiliate and disrespect a husband who truly loves her. Do the right thing and tell him again. It is the very least he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 This is an old thread, Guest. The last entry was March 2004. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 This is an old thread, Guest. The last entry was March 2004. LOL I did'nt even catch that. D'oh! Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted December 3, 2006 Share Posted December 3, 2006 Well, either way, no matter the time of the post, Divorce your husband, don't string him along anymore, don't take him for anything, let him move on. Link to post Share on other sites
annee Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Hello guest. I am female and having the same prob. I didnt realise it was an old thread either. We can exchange e-mails if you want. will help to discuss it with someone who's in there. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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