Jewels Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 My husband and I moved to a new town, where his kids live with their mother (his exwife), and I have had a difficult time making friends. I am much younger than most of my work colleagues, as I graduated college early, and it has been hard for me to meet people my own age. That being said, I did meet John, with whom I began a friendship. Soon after our friendship began, my husband suddenly lost all sexual interest - he says in everyone, but I can definitely vouch for myself. (I don't think he is having an affair) As you can probably guess, (or I wouldn't be posting on this board) John and I began sleeping together. This has gone on about a year. My husband and I are currently in counselling for many other issues, including communication and control problems. John is not committed to me - his arguement is, if I was available, he would be. I really want to salvage my marriage, but if it is a lost cause, I don't want to lose John. My husband is still sexually dysfunctional - we have sex every couple of months. Obviously, I either have to end the affair, or leave my marriage. How important is sex in a marriage? Is it worth leaving over? Please don't be too mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 So, John and husband are not the same guy? Interesting how this (fact?) is obscured in your writing. Yes, damn this marriage and committment B.S. What ever happened to having your cake and eating it to? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 How important is sex in a marriage? Is it worth leaving over? Only you can make that decision. It's different for everyone. Personally, I would never give up a good guy (if that's what yours is) if he had some sort of dysfunction and was trying to work on it just to get more sex. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Hello, I assume that if the roles were reversed and you had a sexual dysfunction and were in counseling with your husband to improve your marriage; you would encourage him to be screwing another woman for an entire year and putting your health at risk while you work on your marriage? Do your husband a favor and divorce him so he can find someone in the future who actually believes in the wedding vows and believes in the concept of committment in a marriage. Let him find someone else who believes it is not acceptable to have sex for a year with another man behind his back while being married to him and humiliates and disrespects him and his marriage. Have you thought about being honest to him and tell him what you have been doing and why which would allow him to make a decision based on the facts. How pathetic that you and your husband are in marriage counseling while you are screwing your lover at the same time. The really sad thing is apparently you see nothing wrong with this. You have quite the broken moral compass. Try honesty with your husband and allow him to know the type of person he is married to and allow him to determine his future. What a selfish and self-centered individual you are. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 How important is sex in a marriage? Is it worth leaving over? Wow, nice easy question! (NOT!) Sex is hugely important. For many people, it is a powerful physical need, and for most married couples, it is an essential method of bonding. Yet, of course there are marriages where sex is rare or non-existent. It is a totally personal decision as to whether you can live without marital sex. For myself, at this time, I say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jewels Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Bryanp, I'm not exactly sure what kind of individuals you expected to find on an INFIDELITY message board .... I asked a legitimate question in the real world, where everything is not as black and white as it should be. My morals are out of whack, I agree, and I am selfish and self-centered, and everything else you probably called me but were too polite to post. However, I did not post this on a morality board, or a love and committment board, or anything else that mushy and sweet. Thanks for your opinion anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 My husband and I are currently in counselling for many other issues, including communication and control problems. Jewels, I'm assuming your therapist has been made aware of your extramarital relationship?? If so, what does he/she say in regard to how much of a role this has played in your sexual distancing and/or how much it has contributed to all your other marital problems? I ask, only because it seems the burden of blame has been shifted unfairly in your husband’s direction and I prefer to see two mature adults play “fair” when it comes to the blame game. If you haven’t disclosed this information to your therapists...than why haven't you invested whole-heartedly into your relationship recovery by being as honest and straight-forward with everyone as possible… (including yourself). Without all the facts your therapist will not be able to properly assess the situation and help either of you. It will be a complete waste of time and money for everyone involved until BOTH of you are willing to grow up and become accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Hello again, I find your comments quite interesting. You are aware of your behavior and the problems. You have the power within yourself to be any type of person you wish to be. If things are out of whack it is only because you allow and choose to have things out of whack. You and only you control your life and your destiny. It really is amazing when you think and do things for others how good you feel about yourself and your life. If you treat others the way you wish to be treated you cannot go wrong. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jewels Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Yes, my therapist knows, although I have asked him not to disclose any information on my affair to my husband. While I'm sure I'll be berrated for this comment, I just don' t think it's fair to put my husband through the pain of knowing about the affair. (And, oh I do realize it's not exactly fair to my husband to have an affair to begin with.) Personally, if he had an affair, I would rather not know unless there was some reason, like an STD, or if he was leaving, etc. (And yes, my lover and I are VERY careful.) I think telling him would absolve me of some guilt, but I honestly don't think I deserve that, and my therapist understands that viewpoint, although he doesn't agree. Anybody know a good way to end a love affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Its hardly fair. By not telling him, he doesn't know the whole story. He can't make his own informed decision about what to do.. Just because you may not want to know about an affair, doesnt mean he may not want to. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I don't know that there is any 'good' way to end a love affair - the right way is to be direct and clear, don't waffle - tell him and resist any further contact if you are serious about working on only one relationship. I agree that it would be best not to tell your husband if you are terminating your affair. Why add to your troubles? Link to post Share on other sites
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