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All are welcome RE: evidence


losingmyground

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losingmyground

Background:

Me BS 34

SO WH 37

her MOW 34

 

EA online via facebook, videos, pics and emails. Lasting a total of 1 yr. With multiple attempts to go NC prior to being caught. I found all evidence about 8 months after the last conversation. WH's Dday was a little over two months ago.

 

I have confronted my WH. We are reconciling. I cannot find any contact between him the the OW since 09/11. I have talked with the OW's BS and so has my WH. Lots of information was gathered and all of it sorted through. Here is where you guys come in, both BS and WS. I have been asked by OW's BH to delete all the videos and pics she sent him. There are multiple videos of her masturbating. The pics are of breasts and Vjay with toys. All confirmed by her BH to be her body parts. I have placed them in a folder to never be accessed unless they break NC. I did tell her that I will use them to my advantage should she ever call, text or email my WH again.

 

So do I delete as requested or keep them until I feel we are beyond the affair?

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Keep them.

Tell him they're more a bartering tool rather than Blackmail.

You won't use them in any way shape or form other than as previously cited - you at least have honour and honesty, unlike your respective spouses - but you will only delete them when you are absolutely 100% sure that there is never ever going to be any further contact between them, of any kind, ever again, 100% guaranteed...

 

And if he says, "I hope so.. but life has no guarantees...."

 

Or words to that effect - then you can reply,

 

"Then you will understand why I cannot comply with your request."

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losingmyground

The thing is he is a nice guy. He even stated that if the evidence was ever used, it would just hurt him. I guess that says a lot about the state of mind his WW is in.

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Nope, I wouldn't delete them either.

 

If it were your HUSBAND asking you to delete them, you'd have some responsibility to consider his request.

 

But from OW's H? No, sorry.

 

I would explain to him that they are in a safe place and you would never make them public or share them with someone else unless she breaks NC, but that you need to keep yourself protected.

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The thing is he is a nice guy. He even stated that if the evidence was ever used, it would just hurt him. I guess that says a lot about the state of mind his WW is in.

 

How would videos of his wife masturbating hurt him?

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Indignity by association.....I would guess....

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losingmyground

He has a really big family....I threatened to post them all over facebook for all to see. Then I would put frames all over their neighborhood. I think it would embarress him, because then everyone would know that she has had multiple EAs/PAs. She is quite damaged if her husband is telling the truth.

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losingmyground

To be honest...it is just a safety measure. A bluff if you will. If it keeps her from talking with my husband. So be it.

 

Being that we are only 2 months out....I am thinking it will be awhile before I feel right again. My WH has been doing really good. I am watching his email and texts. I tend to know where he is. He is very sorry and emotional about the whole thing. Needless to say so am I. He also realizes that this is his one and only chance. If it happens again...it is over.

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He has a really big family....I threatened to post them all over facebook for all to see. Then I would put frames all over their neighborhood. I think it would embarress him, because then everyone would know that she has had multiple EAs/PAs. She is quite damaged if her husband is telling the truth.

 

Two questions: do you think people would wonder why you have those videos and why you are posting them? Also, what punishment has your husband received?

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losingmyground

Two questions: do you think people would wonder why you have those videos and why you are posting them?

 

I am sure people would wonder why....that is why you have an explanation with each and everyone.

 

Also, what punishment has your husband received?

 

Not only has he witnessed me have a nervous breakdown, but he has been yelled, slept on the couch and swatted away more times than I can remember since I found out. He has also had to stand up to my interrigation as well as spoke with her BH on numerous occasions. I also believe he has suffered emotionally himself (ie shame and guilt).

Edited by losingmyground
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Background:

Me BS 34

SO WH 37

her MOW 34

 

EA online via facebook, videos, pics and emails. Lasting a total of 1 yr. With multiple attempts to go NC prior to being caught. I found all evidence about 8 months after the last conversation. WH's Dday was a little over two months ago.

 

I have confronted my WH. We are reconciling. I cannot find any contact between him the the OW since 09/11. I have talked with the OW's BS and

so has my WH. Lots of information was gathered and all of it sorted through. Here is where you guys come in, both BS and WS. I have been asked by OW's BH to delete all the videos and pics she sent him. There are multiple videos of

her masturbating. The pics are of breasts and Vjay with toys. All confirmed by her BH to be her body parts. I have placed them in a folder to never be accessed unless they break NC. I did tell her that I will use them to my advantage should she ever call, text or email my WH again.

 

So do I delete as requested or keep them until I feel we are beyond the affair?

 

 

 

LMG

 

It's only been 2 months from your d-day, for myself being at the 1 year mark from d-day, I can barely remember the first few months as i was not

sleeping and my emotions were all over the map.

 

I don't think you should decide to either delete the evidence or not at this time because you still need to process what the hell happened to your life and if it makes you feel empowered and safer to keep the evidence then I say keep and do not feel pressured by anyone to the contrary.

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He doesn't get to watch them anymore.

 

I think that's probably the least of his concerns right now.

I suspect seeing them now would have the complete reverse effect, too.....

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I would 1) burn it all to disc, 2) make 2 copies, 3) mail each copy separately to myself so that they would be date verifible, 4) place one in my safe deposit box at bank, 5) give one copy to my lawyer to keep, 6) tell everyone what I had done.

 

Then, as far as I was concerned, it would never be an issue unless someone had lied to me about NC - ever!

 

Call me vindictive, call me spiteful,.....but.....call me safe!

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Ninja'sHusband

Don't make threats, but keep them. If you find you need them later on, man you'll regret having tossed them.

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Forgive me if someone has said this already as I haven't yet read the whole thread.

 

While you are in the midst of reconciling, you have to realize that you may need this proof in the event that you divorce.

 

Several months into reconciliation, I destroyed my folder at the behest of my wife. She appeared completely remorseful. She was nervous I would do something crazy with it. I had used it to expose the A to the OMW in what was somewhat of a nervous breakdown at the time. Since I had already exposed the A, I went ahead and complied.

 

Fast forward to 7 months and I discovered more crazy crap that ultimately led to our divorce. Now I sure as hell wish I had kept it all. All I have is the last thing I found. Fortunately, it's a doozy.

 

Even though my state is "no fault," judges can still make decisions on alimony and child custody based on infidelity. It sure seemed right at the time but I sure as hell wish I had all of that stuff now.

 

The fact is that most people I see here that have successfully reconciled turned a corner around 4 years. You are at 2 months.

 

Explain that you arr keeping this evidence in the event of a divorce and stop making any kind of blackmail threats (especially documented ones). The threat is already implied so drop that angle. You need it for your potential divorce. Period.

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BH is right, keep it in case you need evidence for a divorce.

 

I live in one of the 13 states in the US that are fault states. The judges use all evidence presented when deciding how the assets/money/etc will be divided.

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If the situation were reversed and the BH had videos of your husband masturbating what would you want him to do with the evidence?

 

Maybe that's what you should do out of kindness to him as he is also an innocent party to this?

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Former investigative journalist here.....

 

NEVER throw out the evidence....NEVER.

 

You NEVER have to admit you NEVER threw it out, but DON't DO IT.

 

If wondering what you have or do not have keeps NC in place for life, let them all wonder.

 

Her BS is an innocent. I understand why a kind person would consider his request. He didn't masturbate and send pics and video to a MM. I get it.

 

But their marriage is their business. Your marriage is your business.

 

Tell him you never intend to use it as long as there is NC between them and you decide to keep reconciling, which after two months, you very well may be unsure of.

 

BUT NO, you are not throwing it out. Store it in a very safe spot. Tell no one.

 

Protect yourself first, your marriage second, your divorce third.

 

It IS all about you now and your future.

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How would videos of his wife masturbating hurt him?

 

Because at the time she was doing it for another man. She sent them to the OM.

 

As far as the pictures, txts and videos go, I would keep them...forever.

NotCamelot gave you good advice on that.

 

I also suggest you make a spare copy and put it some place safe where your H cant get ahold of them by accident. Dont tell him about the spare copy. If you want to hid the content in case it is accidentally found you can zip all those files into one file and use zip or pae file compression software to encrypt and password protect them. Only the person with the PW will be able to uncompress the files to view them.

 

And FYI, I think your husband got off easy. I would have told his family about this at the very least. Seems you really didnt show him any consequences. Im sure he just wants you to believe he is hurt by this to get some pity out of you so you dont do anything with real consequences.

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...

 

Depending on your plans it might be illegal and could actually get you in trouble instead of being an issue for her. ...

 

... Blackmail is a relly slippery slope and can have some ugly results.

 

My advice is to keep them.

 

I'm in a similar situation in that I discovered some "rude" photos of the OW only a few weeks ago, even though d-day was nearly 4 years ago. The photos were sent by the OW to my fWH.

 

While there are ways to use the photos for blackmail or other unlawful purposes, there are also other ways in which they can serve as insurance/revenge/evidence/proof or whatever you might "need" them for.

 

My advice is don't even consider using them unlawfully (eg pay me money or I publish) but retain them and just use them lawfully if NC is broken by her or if something else occurs where it might be expected that you use them.

 

Explain this gently to the other BS. For all you know his WW could be up to her tricks again with another A and could be putting pressure on her BH to get you to destroy them.

Edited by SidLyon
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whichwayisup
Background:

Me BS 34

SO WH 37

her MOW 34

 

EA online via facebook, videos, pics and emails. Lasting a total of 1 yr. With multiple attempts to go NC prior to being caught. I found all evidence about 8 months after the last conversation. WH's Dday was a little over two months ago.

 

I have confronted my WH. We are reconciling. I cannot find any contact between him the the OW since 09/11. I have talked with the OW's BS and so has my WH. Lots of information was gathered and all of it sorted through. Here is where you guys come in, both BS and WS. I have been asked by OW's BH to delete all the videos and pics she sent him. There are multiple videos of her masturbating. The pics are of breasts and Vjay with toys. All confirmed by her BH to be her body parts. I have placed them in a folder to never be accessed unless they break NC. I did tell her that I will use them to my advantage should she ever call, text or email my WH again.

 

So do I delete as requested or keep them until I feel we are beyond the affair?

 

Does exMW aka OW understand the consquences? How did she react?

Did she promise never to contact your h?

 

Keep, just in case she has the nerve to reach out to your H.

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Assuming the OW sent them - they now belong to your H.

 

If it were me - I keep them - but I'd place them on a memory stick and delete them from my computer.

 

How would you know your H isn't viewing them when he misses her?

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Oh, you cannot use them.....you cannot blackmail or threaten or hold them over anyone's head....

 

You keep them for you....and either they will cease to have any effect on you if you successfully reconcile...in about four to five years...actually, they will someday make you laugh when you realize the adolescent stupidity of them..

 

OR...they will reinforce your decision to divorce if you decide to.

 

They are for you. Keep them and over time you will know what to do with them.

 

Take your time before making any decisions regarding them.

 

Do NOT throw out the evidence. Trust me on this.

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Oh, you cannot use them.....you cannot blackmail or threaten or hold them over anyone's head....

 

You keep them for you....and either they will cease to have any effect on you if you successfully reconcile...in about four to five years...actually, they will someday make you laugh when you realize the adolescent stupidity of them..

 

OR...they will reinforce your decision to divorce if you decide to.

 

They are for you. Keep them and over time you will know what to do with them.

 

Take your time before making any decisions regarding them.

 

Do NOT throw out the evidence. Trust me on this.

 

I agree. Don't ever say to her if you do/don't do "whatever" then I will expose them. If they are pornographic then you must also comply with whatever the anti-dissemination of pornography laws are, in your jurisdiction.

 

If they are not pornographic (merely embarrassing) then you can decide to use them if "whatever" actually happens but still don't threaten her with this. If "whatever" happens then distribute them as you see fit.

 

In my case the photos are rude but not obscene or pornographic. I have already used them "against" the OW.

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losingmyground

If I am being completely honest.....I told her I would use them against her with I was still very angry. I am still amazed that I keep so calm while talking with her. I didn't yell or cry. Just stated the facts, asked my questions and hung up. I would actually never use them against her. It was a scare tactic. I am keeping them for future proof if needed. As far as telling his family...his sister pulled the same stuff, just to a higher level. They accepted the OM with open arms. The are the "as long as they are happy" type. My mom is the complete opposite....she would have never let it go. Not a good thing if we stay together. I guess the general answer is to keep just in case.

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