MM in 6th Year of LT Affair

[Sauron]

All:

 

Been reading these forums for about a year. I have emapathy for those of you that are unhappy, misreable and bitter. My OW and I are both over 50 and I have a great realtionship, excellent sex life and generally have a great time together. I help out finacially when she needs and make life generally comfortable for both of us. I am fortunate that I can do it. We see each other 2 to 3 times a week and do some traveling together. She has been married before and it never worked out. I make it point to be there on all important milestones and most holidays, except XMAS and Thanksgiving. We just celebrate early or later. She knew I was married and I never hid it. She seems happy about it all and I check to make sure she is. Our deal is that when either one of us need to move on, it will be done with no drama and will end friendly.

 

I have been in an average to sub-par marriage for 30 plus. My wife was a different person before marriage and changed within the first months after marriage to A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT person, I felt a bit of bait and switch from her so she could get a ring. I have been a serial cheater. She caught me once as I banged her best friend who told her husband who told my wife, I felt a little remorse but not much. Thought she might have left, but she didn't. Thought about ending it over the years but the kids were small, now highly educated functional adults and I was determined to be there for them. They often remark how unusal their life was compared to their peer group as they had an intact normal functioning family unit.

 

I stay for financial reasons mostly, we are very comfortable. My wife has a life style that I enable and that she couldn't acheive on her own. We have a decent sex life lately, however it is defined by her and perhaps if this would have been more aligned things might be different today. She was tainted by religion and a dominant Father to believe that some sex was abnormal and disgusting, her terms not mine. She has totally let herself go physically now to tthe point where she has some signifcant health issues on the horizon if she doesn't make drastic changes. I am no spring chicken but have always kept myself fit. You could say we are both much happier w OW in the picture, since she meets the needs my wife won't or can't, so we don't fight about sex issues anymore.

 

If/when a D day comes, if my wife leaves she will get half which she mostly deserves. I am hoping after its all over and done, we can be friends some day. Not sure if she will go though. I wonder if she has had her own OM, which I would be cool with if she was discreet and safe.

 

I will never marry again, and that includes OW or any woman. It ruins to many realtionships. I post this to say that while the majority of these posts are emotional and some what bitter, to date my story seems positive. Am I arrogant, yes, am I selfish, yes, am I happier, yes. Will my wife have a different story, yes, it is just the way humans are, in my opinion, if not I guess this forum wouldn't exist.

 

Thank you for reading my post. I wish all of you the very best of luck and hope that you find happiness and meaningful, fullfilling relationships in whatever form they come to you in.

[canuckprincess]

Thank you for your open and honest post, if your a serial cheater I'll say I'm sure your wife knows about your girlfriend. What is most important is you all seem happy with your arrangements. Do you love your ow, and do you feel closer to her then your wife of 30 plus years? Also are you always 100% honest with your ow, it's quite obvious your not honest with your wife. I wish you all the happiness and it's ok to be selfish most men are lol. Do you ever feel bad for hiding this from your wife? Also after your former ow's husband told your wife what bull**** stories did you tell her so she would think you ended the affairs and was now faithful?

Edited August 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spelling and conforming to topic

[Emme]

Sauron, your situation is the perfect example of people who do have affairs and it benefits the marriage (in your eyes). It's sad your wife doesn't know but I know many of my who do it and their lives are much easier. Since you are so open minded you should consider talking with your wife about an open marriage. For all you know she might know what you've been doing and she is ok with it. Giving that she remains the wife. Think about it.

[woinlove]

Sauron, your situation is the perfect example of people who do have affairs and it benefits the marriage (in your eyes). It's sad your wife doesn't know but I know many of my who do it and their lives are much easier. Since you are so open minded you should consider talking with your wife about an open marriage. For all you know she might know what you've been doing and she is ok with it. Giving that she remains the wife. Think about it.

 

Do you know anyone who has gone from serial cheating to open M successfully? I don't even know anyone who has gone from cheating once to open M successfully, although I know a few who failed. An open M is basically agreeing to different conditions than a conventional M and it only works if both agree to the conditions, there is honesty and trust, and each person honors the conditions. If one has already not honored the current agreement (conventional monogamous M) it seems that one of these links will almost certainly break down (agreement, honesty, trust, honoring the conditions) unless the person really changes.

 

Sauron, I only jumped in because I am in an open M and know they require at least as much, if not more, trust and commitment than a conventional M, to endure and thrive. From what you write, I would not recommend that route for you.

 

I like to be honest and open in my M and with people I am close to - basically letting them know the real me, weaknesses, warts and all - so can't really offer much feedback to someone who likes to be a serial cheater, as you describe yourself. But, you sound pretty satisfied and don't give any indication that you've hurt any OW (lots of hurt OW have posted here) or that your W isn't satisfied too, so I guess it is working for you and others so far. I usually can't help advocating for honesty because I know I'd be unhappy being continually dishonest, for me it feels great to be open and honest and intimate with my spouse, and I've seen deception in affairs hurt a lot of people, but I can see you like things the way you have them. So best of luck to you.

Edited August 19, 2012 by woinlove

[eleanorrigby]

She caught me once as I banged her best friend

 

smdh and *sigh*.

[Got it]

Welcome Sauron and thank you for telling your story.

[Emme]

Do you know anyone who has gone from serial cheating to open M successfully? I don't even know anyone who has gone from cheating once to open M successfully, although I know a few who failed. An open M is basically agreeing to different conditions than a conventional M and it only works if both agree to the conditions, there is honesty and trust, and each person honors the conditions. If one has already not honored the current agreement (conventional monogamous M) it seems that one of these links will almost certainly break down (agreement, honesty, trust, honoring the conditions) unless the person really changes.

 

 

Can't say that I do. I see your point about the factors needed for an open marriage. The suggestion was made because he stated he would be ok with her having a lover. He wouldn't mind if rules were in place. In the end it doesn't hurt to try. Both of them in a sense could be free and still be together.

[woinlove]

Can't say that I do. I see your point about the factors needed for an open marriage. The suggestion was made because he stated he would be ok with her having a lover. He wouldn't mind if rules were in place. In the end it doesn't hurt to try. Both of them in a sense could be free and still be together.

 

I can understand your point too, but BS's often write that trickle-truth is the real killer and the most hurtful, and I can't believe that his wife would get anything but some partial truth at best, even if they were to talk about an open M. Sauron has described himself as arrogant and selfish, he has been dishonest for decades, he didn't even respect his wife's best friendship, and who knows whether his wife would want to stay married if she knew the whole truth, but he has decided he wants to keep her deceived and married for financial reasons. [sorry, sounds bad, but I'm just summarizing parts of the OP.] I can't see all that changing if he decides to discuss an open M. I think a new arrangement entered into falsely could hurt. A lot.

 

Sauron, thanks for your interesting perspective.

[pie2]

Do you think you would be a better father if you were monogamous (serious question)? Or if you were up front about everything, do you think that would change your relationship with your children (ie they would view you differently leading to different interaction)?

Edited August 20, 2012 by pie2

[William]

I'm moving this to infidelity as the thread starter is the one who is married and having an affair and comments are welcomed, including those which disagree with his choices, as long as they conform to the community guidelines. As the member is new, if I don't see any further activity from him within 24 hours of the original post, I'll close the thread to comments until alerted to his continued participation.

 

Did a minor cleanup, editing and/or deleting a few posts, but no need for a Stage 1 yet. Continue the discussion.

Edited August 20, 2012 by William
Thread cleanup

[Sauron]

Interesting and predictable comments. I felt a some guilt over the years, but rationlized it away. It wasn't like I didn't tell my wife what I needed. I finally realized she could never provide it, and that you can't change a person. If it all came out my adult children would still have a realtionship with me, they wouldn't like it, they would never cut me out of there lives (kinda hate the sin but love the sinner). I feel and have felt love for all the women in my life, including my wife. As I mentioned I never lied to my OW about my martial status. And yes I am staying for the material elements, but am prepared for the consequences of my behavior. Why blow everything up now? Not to mention I am good at managing the details of my all my relationships.

[frozensprouts]

It sounds like you really aren't cut out to be monogamous. Seems some just aren't...maybe they/you just aren't "wired" that way. It may well be that no matter what your wife did/didn't do, you would have cheated anyway.

 

I know that maintaining the status quo may seem like the path of least resistance for you, but by lying to your wife and hiding your relationships with other women, you take away her ability to make informed choices about her life. Maybe she isn't okay with sharing her husband with other women, maybe she is just fine with it ( don't ask/don't tell) Until you actually talk with her about it, you really don't know.

 

Have you ever sat down with her, explained the reality of your situation, and see if she would be amenable to renegotiating what your marriage will look like? ( i.e.- discussed the possibility of an open marriage with her)? That way, she won't be in the dark about what you are doing, and she'll be able to make informed choices about her life. You'll be able to have honesty in that area of your life.

 

if she asks you to stop cheating , or wants a divorce if you won't, then at least you'll have been honest with her, and in the long run, you may end up happier on your own anyway.

 

Do you really feel good about being dishonest with her? What has she really done that was bad enough to deserve you lying to her for all these years? If you look deep down and see that the answer is nothing, then what does that tell you?

[Got it]

Sauron,

 

I was a MOW and divorced for many of the reasons that you stated one of the main ones being sexual incompatibility.

 

To me, keeping the affair and marriage going, is a bit like Russian roulette. At some point you wont get an empty chamber.

 

You know I did look at things thinking that all my needs were being met and I had told my ex, over and over again, what I needed and wanted and never anything back but lip service. But what stopped me from maintaining the two together for more than a couple weeks was the fact that I actually did still like my ex and did respect him. And while I realized and knew he was not the one for me, I didn't want to add salt to the wounds by the hit to his ego and self esteem (further) by exposure of an affair when thing eventually were exposed.

 

For me, being able to sleep/love someone else was the bell that could not be unrung and I needed to cut ties then. I had no desire to further hurt my ex by staying with him but maintaining an affair. Plus, at least for me, it was hard to keep on a facade at home! I was done with him and couldn't fend interest at all any more.

 

We did not have kids so I know that makes things much harder, my dMM stayed as long as he did because of the kids. In his case she had had an affair a few years back so for him the emotionally separation was already there, they were like roommates, and almost a "she will understand" mentality. I can't tell you how wrong that assumption was when dday did hit.

 

I don't doubt your kids love you and I don't doubt that you have had some good reasons for staying, but looking at the big picture, you will have a multi-year affair that would be exposed, years of living a second life from your family and friends, that will cause reactions that you may not expect. And any legitimate reasons you have for unhappiness with your wife, valid reasons, will be forgotten under the explosion of the affair. Any footing you would have had is gone.

 

I have found therapy to be very helpful to figure out what I wanted in my life and how to reconcile through supporting myself and supporting others. Maybe it would help you as well. If not, it sounds like there is an amicable status quo right now for you. Just prepare that after dday you do lose your control over the information.

 

I guess I look at it, to some degree, the best defense is a good offense. Waiting for life to make decisions can come with some very painful consequences.

[j'adore]

thank you for posting this, this is exactly how my MM felt before d DAY i am sure of it, in fact I almost thought it was him

 

It has been a week since and things seem just the same. I think somehow he managed to wriggle out of it. I am miserable though, there is always someone who suffers. Can't think his W is that happy either but i guess i was propping their marriage up too.

[stillafool]

Sauron if your wife changed after the first few months of marriage why didn't you get out of the marriage then? Good for you that you are selfish and you get everything you want. You have kept your OW's heart on hold for you for all these years when you could have let her go so she could have a real man love her the right way. Also you have kept your wife in the dark all these years not knowing what kind of man she is married to. If only she knew who she lived under the roof with she may have had a chance to leave and really be loved by a decent man who would not sleep with her best friend. So basically you are here to brag about ruining two peoples lives. Do you feel good now?

[woinlove]

Sauron if your wife changed after the first few months of marriage why didn't you get out of the marriage then? Good for you that you are selfish and you get everything you want. You have kept your OW's heart on hold for you for all these years when you could have let her go so she could have a real man love her the right way. Also you have kept your wife in the dark all these years not knowing what kind of man she is married to. If only she knew who she lived under the roof with she may have had a chance to leave and really be loved by a decent man who would not sleep with her best friend. So basically you are here to brag about ruining two peoples lives. Do you feel good now?

 

His wife is being kept in the dark, so you are correct that she might make different choices if she knew the truth, and he is not treating her with respect. However, from what Sauron posts about the OW, it is not clear that she wants to be anywhere else other than where she is. He says they have a deal if either wants to end the A it will be drama free and friendly. Sounds like they both know it is just an A. One can't conclude that Sauron is ruining OW's life, if this is the life she wants and knowingly chooses.

[Sauron]

Thank you all for your comments. I will say that every woman I find attractive, I would sleep with given the opportunity (I am a male). And if a connection develops great. However, at my age it's not something I pursue like I used too. Hard enough keeping up with 2.

 

And to Duck, with my OW there was never an ask from her and we were into the relationship before the financial resources started, probably 2 years. Love is a complicated thing, but really boils down to endocrinology.

 

I don't tell my wife because I don't want to hurt her, that's why I keep it secret and it why most married people that have affairs don't talk. Having the cake and eating it to. I know its selfish and I freely admitted to being selfish in my first post. Nothing has changed in her life, she often tells me that she is happier the last few years since we don't have the sex issues and fights we had. Why should I destroy her world, and if she finds out she will have had quite a few years of tranquility.

 

I compartmentalize my life and have embraced the duality of it. If I get tired of it, I will disengage without blowing up everything. It's working and so far we are all happy.

 

I found this place because I was interested in my OW's mental well being of being the OW. We really didn't start out to establish a relationship, it just turned into one. OW is happy with everything today, and we discuss it every so often. At this point, I don't see it changing anytime soon, 7th anniversary on the horizon.

 

I posted because most everybody here seemed upset and unhappy, and I get it I am not a stupid man. Maybe I will be to some day, but right now things are great.

[Furious]

Thank you all for your comments. I will say that every woman I find attractive, I would sleep with given the opportunity (I am a male). And if a connection develops great. However, at my age it's not something I pursue like I used too. Hard enough keeping up with 2.

 

And to Duck, with my OW there was never an ask from her and we were into the relationship before the financial resources started, probably 2 years. Love is a complicated thing, but really boils down to endocrinology.

 

I don't tell my wife because I don't want to hurt her, that's why I keep it secret and it why most married people that have affairs don't talk. Having the cake and eating it to. I know its selfish and I freely admitted to being selfish in my first post. Nothing has changed in her life, she often tells me that she is happier the last few years since we don't have the sex issues and fights we had. Why should I destroy her world, and if she finds out she will have had

quite a few years of tranquility.

 

I compartmentalize my life and have embraced the duality of it. If I get tired of it, I will disengage without blowing up everything. It's working and so far we are all happy.

 

I found this place because I was interested in my OW's mental well being of

being the OW. We really didn't start out to establish a relationship, it just turned into one. OW is happy with everything today, and we discuss it every so often. At this point, I don't see it changing anytime soon, 7th anniversary on the horizon.

 

I posted because most everybody here seemed upset and unhappy, and I get

it I am not a stupid man. Maybe I will be to some day, but right now things are great.

 

 

Have you been faithful to your Other Woman, or have there been other women you've cheated on while with her?

[beenburned]

Sauron,

 

Great for you and the OW but not the wife! As others have said, if she had the truth, she would have left a long time ago.

 

You are getting all the perks of being married to someone who would not do anything for you if she knew how you had USED her all these years!!

[2long]

Can't think his W is that happy either but i guess i was propping their marriage up too.

 

Don't flatter yourself. Think about that statement, as objectively as you can... How could an affairee possibly "prop up the marriage" by interfering with it?

 

 

-ol' 2long

[Sauron]

Have you been faithful to your Other Woman, or have there been other women you've cheated on while with her?

 

No I have not. But I did tell her that I was a serial cheater.

[jwi71]

Interesting.

 

What are you looking for?

 

You say you are worried about your OW's mental health?

 

Why?

 

And how do you reconcile worrying about her mental health and having others that your primary OW does not know of.

 

There seems to be a disconnect between your actions and your goals...

[stillafool]

 

 

I found this place because I was interested in my OW's mental well being of being the OW. We really didn't start out to establish a relationship, it just turned into one. OW is happy with everything today, and we discuss it every so often. At this point, I don't see it changing anytime soon, 7th anniversary on the horizon.

 

 

Why are you interested in your OW's mental health? Isn't she blissfully happy like your wife? Why then wouldn't you also be interested in your wife's mental health?

[stillafool]

Thank you all for your comments. I will say that every woman I find attractive, I would sleep with given the opportunity (I am a male).

 

I don't think being a male has anything to do with it. If you don't believe me ask all of these female teachers who ride around having sex with young boys. I think it is a choice.

[Sauron]

Interesting.

 

What are you looking for?

 

You say you are worried about your OW's mental health?

 

Why?

 

And how do you reconcile worrying about her mental health and having others that your primary OW does not know of.

 

There seems to be a disconnect between your actions and your goals...

 

 

Just looking to be happy and satisfied like anybody.

 

I have an emotional connection to OW. I read all these posts on here by OW about how terrible they feel, how much angst they have, so on and so forth, how they wasted time, been lied too, etc. So I talk to my OW from time to time to see how she feels and she always tells me she is happy, never expects me to leave, never pressures me to leave and appreciates and values our relationship and the time we have together.

 

I don't see a disconnect at all. I had an old GF surface awhile back but it was only sex and no connection. She wanted to keep it going but I was not interested. It takes a lot of time managing 2 realtionships. Plus as I get older, gratuitous sex is not as interesting as it once was.