What Am I Doing?

[ApathyEverAfter]

Married for 12 years, two kids, great life on the surface. We get along, are happy, have great friends and all that. Most would call it an enviable life.

 

But three years ago I caught my wife having an affair anyway. And during counseling, I learned that she had had another one the first year of our marriage. Neither really had anything to do with me, but with her life-long pattern of attention seeking, and never wanting anyone to think poorly of her. Even if she had to go against her own morality to keep them as a fan.

 

Ok... it was devastating at the time. We went to all the counseling, read all the books, did the work of understanding why she made such stupid choices etc. I was very proud of our marriage before I learned the truth, and even still proud of our choice to work it out, rather than split up.

 

But here's the thing... about a year ago, in a fit of anger that welled up out of nowhere, I decided that I HAD to even the score. So I did. Some random women off craigslist. Sex a few times. I even told her it was revenge for my wife's affair, and that it meant nothing to me emotionally. As you can imagine, it ran it's course quickly. So I found another. And then another. And then another. I'm currently on my 7th woman in a year. 5 were married.

 

I really had no idea finding attractive women for casual sex was this easy. I am happy at home, and we are still working on some small issues related to HER affairs, but she has no idea what I'm doing. And the problem is.. neither do I. Sure the sex with these other women is amazing (mostly) but I always drive home with the same thought running through my brain... " What Am I Doing?"

 

Really.... It's like I don't even know myself anymore.

[zsu234]

Just ask her if you can have open marriage. BTW, going against the grain here, I would prolly be doing the same thing if I was in your shoes or I would 've just DX'ed her ass from the git go.

[ApathyEverAfter]

Just ask her if you can have open marriage. BTW, going against the grain here, I would prolly be doing the same thing if I was in your shoes or I would 've just DX'ed her ass from the git go.

 

Thank you. But I don't want an open marriage. I don't want her sleeping around, and in reality, I don't really want to be sleeping around myself. I keep waiting for the scale to feel "level" again... but it never does.

[sad puppy]

Just prepared to bring home a STD or maybe, acquire HIV- AIDS. Just think of those women that you're hooking up with on Craig's list, just think how many people they're sleeeping with, and then they turn around and sleep with you.

 

I'm sure your kids will love you when you drop dead from AIDS. You're playing a very dangerous game, but, hey, you're having a good time!

 

You need to get yourself into a shrink that specializes in sex addiction to find out why you would risk so much.

 

Your "perfect" life is gonna blow up in your face. Don't say you weren't warned.

[ApathyEverAfter]

Just ask her if you can have open marriage. BTW, going against the grain here, I would prolly be doing the same thing if I was in your shoes or I would 've just DX'ed her ass from the git go.

 

Just prepared to bring home a STD or maybe, acquire HIV- AIDS. Just think of those women that you're hooking up with on Craig's list, just think how many people they're sleeeping with, and then they turn around and sleep with you.

 

I'm sure your kids will love you when you drop dead from AIDS. You're playing a very dangerous game, but, hey, you're having a good time!

 

You need to get yourself into a shrink that specializes in sex addiction to find out why you would risk so much.

 

Your "perfect" life is gonna blow up in your face. Don't say you weren't warned.

 

That's just it. I'm NOT having a good time. I mean.. I am.. but not in any lasting fulfillling way. I was never like this before. Never. I can't believe I'm doing it now. This sucks. It's like she made me crazy or something.

 

But I have to accept responsibility for what I'm doing. Has anyone else gone this crazy? Is this normal?

[Furious]

Thank you. But I don't want an open marriage. I don't want her sleeping around, and in reality, I don't really want to be sleeping around myself. I keep waiting for the scale to feel "level" again... but it never does.

 

 

It sounds like you're deeply wounded by your wife's betrayal and having that revenge to even the score has only made you hurt even more.

 

Be true to yourself, love and intimacy cannot be found with random women and casual sex. You and your wife have not truly reconciled.

 

You need to ask yourself if your marriage is worth all this pain.

Maybe a divorce, is the kinder pain than living like this.

[sad puppy]

Getting revenge, pondering revenge, not so crazy. But your behavior is excessive. Plus, it's not helping you. It's not resolving anything. Having a lot of fun but meaningless sex is soul deadening.

 

Either work diligently on the marriage or make a plan to divorce. But your present lifestyle will only create more problems.

[ApathyEverAfter]

Also... I don't think I am a sex addict. I think I might just be a revenge addict. I was happily faithful for many years, and have what I think are very normal sexual urges and desires. My "affairs" if you can call them that, are about revenge, restoring my self confidence, propping up a damaged ego, and all the rest. I know this already! Why can't I just stop and realize that no amount of new women will give what I want?!? They are all wonderfully complimentary. but it's like the compliments aren't coming from my wife so they don't count. And even when they DO come from my wife... it's like they still somehow don't count the way they used to. This is awful.

[BetrayedH]

That's just it. I'm NOT having a good time. I mean.. I am.. but not in any lasting fulfillling way. I was never like this before. Never. I can't believe I'm doing it now. This sucks. It's like she made me crazy or something.

 

But I have to accept responsibility for what I'm doing. Has anyone else gone this crazy? Is this normal?

 

For what it's worth, I've been there, done that. Well, not seven times. The temptation is normal. Being broken after infidelity is normal.

 

But blaming it on any of that won't fly here. Be prepared to be held accountable until such time as you confess to your wife. She deserves a chance to make an informed decision about the rest of her life. Whatever grace you might have been afforded as a betrayed spouse is long gone.

 

The only way to dig yourself out of this hole is to begin to live an authentic life. That begins with coming clean and facing your consequences. If you are truly remorseful and your wife is truly forgiving, perhaps you have a chance. Anything else is a sham and keeps you right where you are.

 

I wish you luck on your journey.

[Artie Lang]

your marriage is toxic.

 

i agree with the poster who suggested an "open marriage," as it seems you and your wife can't keep your pants on.

 

 

if not, just end it. get a divorce.

[Later82012]

I think every relationship is destined to go through infidelity sooner or later. Accepting that seems to be the best way to cope with it.

[road]

Thank you. But I don't want an open marriage. I don't want her sleeping around, and in reality, I don't really want to be sleeping around myself. I keep waiting for the scale to feel "level" again... but it never does.

 

 

Revenge Affairs only cause more problems. They never solve anything. The way your WW broke your ability to trust her you have now done the same.

 

No matter how many OW that you bang you can never even the score. Even if you do 20 OW to the 2 OM that your WW did.

 

No matter how many OW you do it will never undo the sex that your WW had with the OM.

 

You need to tell your WW and get your self into IC to stop this distructive behavior.

[2sure]

If its revenge your really after...you can't possibly satisfy that need until your wife finds out and is hurt, the way you were. If she doesn't ever know about it..your character and marriage will just die a slow death .

 

My exH was a serial cheater like you. He met married women on craigslist.

That's how I got my std.

[GLDheart]

Welcome to the broken club. Regardless of how you got there it's your job to put yourself back together.

 

Stop with the "balancing the scales" or "settling the score" crap. You are getting off on the rush of nailing new women. Going through what you did has left you feeling powerless. You are now trying to feel powerful with the conquest. But you see, you never lost power. What you lost when your wife cheated was innocence. Well, that's life. As for power, you have always had the power to accept things, change things, or walk away. You still do.

 

But you're not owning anything. You're blaming your wife to enable yourself to continue. Deep down you feel like $hit and are trying to fill a hole in your character... How is that any different from what your wife did? It's not.

 

Are you not learning anything from the counseling that you and your wife attend? The therapy message may be meant for her, but clearly and regardless of how you got this way, you're just the same as her.