Ended Affair with Wife's best friend Jen but still in love with her

[Inlovewithjen]

I betrayed my wife of 10 years for the last year or so by having an affair with her best friend Jen. Jen started working in my downtown office 1.5 years ago and we would spend a lot of time together. we would have lunch everyday together and we would be each other's sales partner for out of town trips. My wife knew about our hanging out and said that she was happy that Jen and I were friends. Everything started innocently but I began confiding in Jen about how my wife was not spending time with me and was taking trips to Virginia to help care for her sick brother. I understand that she needed to help her brother in VA but did she really need to go for 3-4 days? (her brother also has a wife who can take care of him). Jen would come over whenever my wife was out and sometimes cook for me and keep me company.

 

Eventually, one night a year ago, Jen and I were relaxing in our swimming pool and she just blurted out how she wishes she found an awesome husband such as me. She joked and said that she wishes that I had asked her out instead of my wife when I saw them both together at the local fair so many years ago. truth be told, i always fancied Jen and this night, I decided to finally go through with it. We kissed and eventually had sex. I felt guilty after and wanted to tell my wife Christina but Jen told me that it would only complicate things and that this was a one time mistake. However, we still continued to hang out and on our out of town trips, we would end up having sex. Each time, we felt guilter but couldn't stop. My wife eventually stopped going to Virginia but by then Jen and I had fallen in love. Jen could no longer bare to hang out with my wife so she distanced herself from Christina. A few monhts ago, Jen and I both professed our love for each other and thought that we should be together till we grow old.

 

Our plans were shattered when my wife became pregnant (Even though she had fertility problems). Although I was prepping to leave, I could not leave my child behind. My parents would never forgive me. Jen has accepted that her friendship is over with Christina and is saddened by it but thought that true love has no boundaries. She was extremely sad when I told her we had to end things two months ago and now rarely talks to me. We had sex last week when we had to make a sales trip but afterwards, she told me that this could never happen again since it is not fair to her for me to keep baiting her on. I love her and want to be with her but I can't because of my child. When my wife kisses me, I wish it was Jen and every day when I wake up and look at my wife resting beside me, I wish it was Jen.

 

How can i forget Jen? What can I do?

[GLDheart]

You can man up and make a tough choice:

 

1. Forget Jen, Focus on your marriage, hide the affair and hope Karma gives you a pass.

2. Tell your wife and hope she gives you a chance to Reconcile

3. Leave your wife, raise the child in a split family, then pursue Jen.

 

Good luck. You've made a bit of a mess.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Write a romance novel. You've got a fine start.

[GLDheart]

I feel so sorry for your wife.

 

First her sick brother, and now the Man she trusts to put a baby inside her has been nailing her best friend.

 

While your at it, you might as well tell her you've been scrubbing the toilet bowl with her tooth brush, are a closet nazi communist about to shave your head, are the one that ran her dog over when she was six, and DID GET REPLACED BY AN ALIEN BODY DOUBLE.

 

Jokes aside, your poor wife may be so upset by all of this she could possibly lose the baby.

[GLDheart]

It might make things a little easier for you if you realize that your wife was cheating on you during all those unnecessary three or four day trips away from you.

 

You're on even ground.

 

Classic Wayward Projection.

[alexandria35]

The only person I feel any sympathy for in this mess is your wife. Betrayed by her best friend and her husband and now she is being held hostage in a lie of a marriage because you don't have the integrity to be honest with her. Please don't cheat her out of anymore of her life. Tell her what you did so that she can have a choice too. If she decides she wants to stay with a man who would cheat on her with her best friend, well that's her decision to make. But right now you are playing God with her life. She is making decisions and planning her future based on who she thinks her husband is, not who he really is and that just isn't right. It's a mean and nasty thing you are doing to her.

[GLDheart]

Please, don't lay a guilt trip on him that if she has a miscarriage it's because he cheated. Lots of first pregnancies end up in miscarriages.

 

Also until they have a DNA test the OP won't know if the baby is his.

 

The "sick brother" routine sounds like a cover story for the OP's wife to go back to the wife's hometown for unnecesssary three and four day mini vacations, but while there, she was probably hooking up with an ex boyfriend from high school.

 

It sounds like OP was driven into his affair by his wife's emotional distance. If OP's wife was there for HIM rather than constantly away from home, I doubt this affair would have ever happened.

 

Abe, Your fictional fleshing out of the OP's story could in theory be right. But so could alot of other plausible scenarios. Thats like walking down the street shooting random people because they might be about to attack you first. It's kind of wacky thinking without more details from the OP to suggest it.

[GLDheart]

I think the OP can have his cake and eat it too.

 

Stay married, raise his child, and have an affair with Jen on the side. His wife can continue to absent herself from their marriage for days on end. When the child is born, a DNA test can be conducted and if turns out the child is not the OP's, they can get divorced.

 

You know Abe, as I read your posts, it actually makes alot of sense. I just need to imagine Jerry Seinfeld reading your words in his best condescending sarcastic voice.... it's perfect sense now.

[alexandria35]

I think the OP can have his cake and eat it too.

 

Stay married, raise his child, and have an affair with Jen on the side. His wife can continue to absent herself from their marriage for days on end. When the child is born, a DNA test can be conducted and if turns out the child is not the OP's, they can get divorced.

 

This is not a cheating support site. If you believe what you said above then you are probably better suited to the philanderers.com website. Furthermore the OP said nothing to suggest his wife was cheating on him and there is no reason for anyone to believe she was. People do go out of their way to care for and support someone who is sick.

[Furious]

Our plans were shattered when my wife became pregnant (Even though she had fertility problems). Although I was prepping to leave, I could not leave my child behind. My parents would never forgive me. Jen has accepted that her friendship is over with Christina and is saddened by it but thought that true love has no boundaries. She was extremely sad when I told her we had to end things two months ago and now rarely talks to me. We had sex last week when we had to make a sales trip but afterwards, she told me that this could never happen again since it is not fair to her for me to keep baiting her on.

 

How can i forget Jen? What can I do?

 

 

Well...since you had sex again with Jen just last week, I hope you didn't get her pregnant too. Perhaps you should stop thinking with your noodle and start using your brain. It's bad enough you cheated on your pregnant wife but to cheat on her with her supposedly best friend is beyond cruel.

[eeyore1981]

Okay, I'll bite.

 

Maybe Abe is right. After all, according to OP, all it takes for an intimate love affair to be righteously started is one spouse to go out of town, which equals neglect, which equals that neglectful spouse asked for it. Seems OP goes out of town A LOT...

 

So by OP's own standards, his wife is more than justified to be having relations with someone else. I would say in this case, she's more than justified to be carrying another man's child, because look how much OP goes out of town and neglects her.

 

Yet, OP refers to this pregnancy of his wife's as his child, which means, as much IN LOOOVVVEEEE as OP is with his Jen, he still has sex with his wife, which kind of seems like cheating on Jen...

 

I think a suitable time should be allowed after the birth of this child for the wife to recover, then she and Jen can deck themselves out in armor and weapons and have a fight to the death. Last one standing can claim this spectacular prize of a man. My advice to the winner would be to never, ever leave town, though, unless she enjoys arena fighting and wishes to make a career of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeez.

 

I don't have any advice for you.

 

Your wife is pregnant. You don't "love her." you are "in love with Jen."

 

My husband cheated while I was pregnant. I can barely think about the pregnancy and it was even hard for me to bond with my daughter after what he did.

Edited July 31, 2012 by dreamingoftigers
Deleting insult

[jade4071]

The OP raised a suspicion about the reason for his wife's absences. She claims it's for her sick brother and it's obvious the OP doesn't believe that.

 

Frankly I don't believe it either. (I believe the brother is sick, but I don't believe all those lengthy absences are necessary.) The only possible hidden agenda, if there is one, on the part of OP's wife is that she is going back to her home town and having an affair.

 

Obviously something in the marriage is severely lacking. The OP's wife absenting herself for several days at a time is part of that.

 

Who made you the judge and jury on whether or not lengthy absences to visit sick relatives are necessary? So if a person is gone for 3-4 days at a time it likely means they're really out screwing around with someone? GREAT analogy. BTW, 3-4 days is nowhere near a "lengthy absence."

 

Also, if one's spouse is gone for a whopping 3-4 days at a time this gives the other some sort of pass to sleep with the best friend?

 

WOW....good luck with that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Who made you the judge and jury on whether or not lengthy absences to visit sick relatives are necessary? So if a person is gone for 3-4 days at a time it likely means they're really out screwing around with someone? GREAT analogy. BTW, 3-4 days is nowhere near a "lengthy absence."

 

Also, if one's spouse is gone for a whopping 3-4 days at a time this gives the other some sort of pass to sleep with the best friend?

 

WOW....good luck with that.

 

Aw, don't take that clown seriously; he's just pulling our legs. He really doesn't believe any of the nonsense he spews so plentifully. He also realizes that "pedestal" is not a verb, ever.

[Inlovewithjen]

Jen actually bought up the fact that my wife was acting suspicious and that she may be having an affair herself. I don't know how to confront this and am thinking of getting a paternity test when my child is born. Can I get a prenatal paternity test but how would I convince her to do so?

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, jen would know when the wife is "acting suspicious."

 

Because that's not a common wayward/ow thing to act like.

 

And yeah, that'll look pretty weird to your wife.

 

Lucky, lucky wife.

[anne1707]

Jen actually bought up the fact that my wife was acting suspicious and that she may be having an affair herself. I don't know how to confront this and am thinking of getting a paternity test when my child is born. Can I get a prenatal paternity test but how would I convince her to do so?

 

That just sounds like Jen wanting you to push you into leaving your wife. She's dishing unfounded dirt to try and undermine the one person who is innocent in all this mess. Great best friend Jen has turned out to be

[woinlove]

Perhaps counselling would help you sort out what kind of person you want to be and how to become that person. Do you really want to be the man who cheats on his wife with her best friend, even cheats on her when she is pregnant? Whatever you do, I would stop taking advice and direction from Jen. Had you listened to yourself rather than to her, you would have told your W after the first time you had sex, and most likely either the affair with Jen would have ended before you distanced yourself from your W and fell in love with Jen or you would be divorced and with Jen now.

 

Instead, you listened to Jen who from everything your write has been trying to get your away from your W since the start. Maybe that is who you want to be with, although I suspect Jen will cheat on whoever she is with, as that seems to be the way she operates since she says doesn't believe in boundaries. But you may not care whether you are with a loyal and honest person. That is what you need to figure out - do you want to be the type of person you are now and are you happy to be with the type of person Jen is. If so, you should leave your W because there is no indication that she is that type of person. On the other hand, if you would prefer to be an honest and loyal person, then you have a whole lot of work ahead of you. The choice is yours.

[scatterd]

As far as the wife cheating and not really taking care of the brother is a hypothetical remark. She could have very well been doing that. You are married and even if she did, two wrongs does not make a right. You made a commitment with your wife and cheated. She trusted you with her friend and look where it got her. You need to forget about Jen and let her find someone else. Take care of the woman you married and go to counseling you are going to be a dad. What a mess you have gotten into. Jen is sure they can not be friends now and she is right. Your wifes brother was sick, then you cheated on her with her friend and she is prego. Talk about a crisisthis could do damage. Really go to counseling and try to fix this. Good Luck

[eeyore1981]

The way I see it, OP is incredibly needy. His wife goes out of town a few days a week here and there, and he can't cope unless he gets another woman. Even if he goes NC with Jen right now, what good will it do? Wife is about to have a baby, and babies require a lot of care and attention. Every minute wife is taking care of baby is going to be a minute she is not completely and 100% focused on OP, which will be a minute for OP of 'neglect'.

 

Unfortunately, there is no 'winning' for the wife with a man like this.

[CarrieT]

Can I get a prenatal paternity test but how would I convince her to do so?

 

Yes, there is a prenatal paternity test. You have to man-up and confess your affair but counter that you think it was because she was having one and you aren't convinced the baby is yours.

[stillafool]

God save us all from "best friends". OP the part about "I won't leave my kid", blah, blah, blah, "my parents would never forgive me" doesn't fly. Would they forgive you for breaking your marriage vows and having an affair with your spouses best friend? Afterall you are not leaving your child you just won't be able to live with the child on a permanent basis. The only thing you can do at this point is to have enough respect for your wife to tell her you and her so called best friend have been having an affair behind her back. Then tell her you are in love with Jen and want to be with her. Ask for a divorce, pay child support and get shared custody of your child. There's no use in trying to hide the affair because you can be sure of this - SHE WILL FIND OUT. The universe will not let her be in the dark very long about this horrible betrayal so get ready. If you try to stay for the child's sake it will not work for very long as you will still want Jen. You two have to face what you've done to your wife, tell her the truth and face the consequences. Man up and do it ASAP.

[Spark1111]

Jen actually bought up the fact that my wife was acting suspicious and that she may be having an affair herself. I don't know how to confront this and am thinking of getting a paternity test when my child is born. Can I get a prenatal paternity test but how would I convince her to do so?

 

Hmmm....is this in the OW's handbook?

 

This happened to me, and my cheating husband was buying it, which was even more delusional.

 

So, your wife goes out of town (you do too, remember? To be with Jen while on business) to help her sick brother and his family......

 

Yes, definitely, she must be cheating too!

 

I think you and Jen deserve each other. I think your wife deserves a man who loves, cherishes and respects her for who she is; a woman who ishelping her family, carrying your baby, while you and jen have sex on business trips.

 

You can still see your child, even if your wife marries a really good and kind man who treats her with respect.

 

I hope she does. With friends like jen and an H like you, your poor wife doesn't need any enemies, now does she?

[darkmoon]

fast forward to jen at sixty years of age - will you still be wanting her?

keep your family tree intact, your grandchildren are likely on the way

[nofool4u]

Our plans were shattered when my wife became pregnant (Even though she had fertility problems).

 

So let me get this straight, you are professing your love for another woman, and making plans to spend your entire life with, and the whole time you are banging your wife, and quite alot I might add if she has a fertility problem.

 

So in all of this, planning to be with this other woman, why were you still having sex with your wife?

 

 

Although I was prepping to leave, I could not leave my child behind.

 

Although you were prepping to leave, you were getting all you could out of your wife before you did.

 

 

My parents would never forgive me. Jen has accepted that her friendship is over with Christina and is saddened by it but thought that true love has no boundaries.

 

Lust and being excited by having sex with someone new, that isn't your wife, isn't love.

 

 

 

When my wife kisses me, I wish it was Jen and every day when I wake up and look at my wife resting beside me, I wish it was Jen.

 

How can i forget Jen? What can I do?

 

How can you forget Jen? Easy, man up, grow up and act like a married man. You are simply bored with married life. It happens.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart, or the fickle. Sure you think you want to spend the rest of your life with Jen, but thats because she is new and exciting. If you wound up being with her on a daily basis, you'd get bored with her too.

 

But if you don't think you will ever get over her, you will end up slipping back into an affair with her, or someone else. And your wife shouldn't have to suffer because of your selfishness.

 

So really, and I'm not saying this to be harsh, the simple answer is grow up and be a man, not a child that gets tired of his toys over a period of time and doesn't play with them anymore.