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Broken hearted cheated on :( This sucks


LOLAGIRL13

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Hi there, Well I never thought I would be joining such a forum but yes here I am...Here's my story I have been married for 14 years to a man in which was so wonderful in my eyes. We have 2 beautiful kids together so I thought we had this cool familly life. Until of couse I was hit with the shock that he cheated on me. We did have or ups and downs through our marriage like any other married couple but for the most part I thought we had a pretty good relationship. There was no lack of sex or emotional,phyical issues that I was aware of. Until recently I felt something wasn't right in my bones.. I guess it is true when they say to trust your instincts. So I put on my little detective hat on and did some work. And yes to my surprise I found several text going to the same phone #. I never had any trust issue with my husband so I never before looked @ his phone or didn't trust him to do things on his own. I always figured he loved me too much. So to make a long story short yes I called the phone # and yes it was a female that answered. I won't go into detail on every word I had with her but from what she said she met him @ a bar and they have been texting eachother for 3 weeks. She did mention that she met with him on one ocassion but all they did was make out. I was so raged that I confronted the bastard lol and of course at first he denied it but then knew he was busted. I always said I would dump a fool that would do that but now actually going through it .. It is harder than I think to just drop him :( I just don't know what to do can trust ever be rebuilt in a realtionship?? Sorry for the long rant

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At least he didn't have sex with her.

 

that she knows of. What's to say the other woman was telling the truth? She is certainly not going to get it from the husband right now.

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Yea I know that is the first thing I asked her because honestly if that would of happened I don't know if I could go back. I did find out about the affair pretty early so who knows how far it would have went :(. I am just concern because I know before I met my husband he didn't have a lot of woman. So

It concerns me that him being a man he wants to maybe experiment more with other woman

At least he didn't have sex with her.
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Yea I know that is the first thing I asked her because honestly if that would of happened I don't know if I could go back. I did find out about the affair pretty early so who knows how far it would have went :(. I am just concern because I know before I met my husband he didn't have a lot of woman. So

It concerns me that him being a man he wants to maybe experiment more with other woman

 

What was your husband doing in a bar, where did he tell you he was that night he was out?

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I always trusted my husband I never had a issue with him hanging out with his friends. I knew he was out but I never thought cheating on me would cross his mind :( Is it wrong of me to allow him his space to go out?? I don't like when people tell me I can't do something so I feel I don't have the right to do the same

 

What was your husband doing in a bar, where did he tell you he was that night he was out?
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todreaminblue

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."

- William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

 

 

To recover you have to allow yourself to feel the grief and when you can feel you know you are going to recover......its the absence of emotions that you don't feel when you should worry....that can be a bitch....and surgery would be required.....be good to yourself you have a right to be adn you deserve to take as much time as you need to make a decision that is right for you....who is checking the clock ...no-one you wont be late....i wish you well....good luck...deb

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whichwayisup

He needs to end this with her and tell her goodbye. And of course go no contact.

 

He needs to go to counselling on his own and also go with you (marriage counseling - Use the same person for both).

 

Is he remorseful? Or is he doing damage control and secretly still in touch with the OW?

 

Fact is, if you hadn't busted him, this very well could have gone to the next level. That is, if she was telling the truth. Some OW protect their MM and lie to the betrayed spouse or they make up lies to interfer in the marriage, in hopes it'll cause more strife and he'll leave/divorce.

 

No matter what he says, it's his ACTIONS now that count.

 

He's a real shi.t to do this to you and your family. Selfish man and right now he is NOT the man you married, the man you thought you could trust fully. He is in a fog and that high he got, that rush of excitement and drama is gone so he will go through withdrawal.. Be tough and don't let him manipulate you. No decision has to made now (divorce) but what you CAN do is let him know you'll be speaking to a lawyer in the meantime (even if you don't, let him think you are, it might make him realize wtf he's about to lose.) He needs to show you in actions that he is willing to change, take FULL responsibility for his choice to cheat on you, betray you so deeply and cause you awful pain. HE did this, not you. Do NOT allow him to put blame on you because he chose to go outside of the marriage.

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Thanks!! That is some great advice I am going through so many emotions I feel like I'm losing my mind. I experienced hurt, anger, betrayal, worthlessness etc. He swears up and down he wouldn't do it again. But it always crosses my mind once a cheater always a cheater. I do want to believe him but the trust is going to be so hard so me to rebuild. I don't want to have to worry and fell that I have to watch him like a hawk. I am so insecure now that I find myself digging for more stuff and I know that isn't healthy :( I still love him very much I know it sounds cheesy and I sound like a fool.

 

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."

- William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth

 

 

To recover you have to allow yourself to feel the grief and when you can feel you know you are going to recover......its the absence of emotions that you don't feel when you should worry....that can be a bitch....and surgery would be required.....be good to yourself you have a right to be adn you deserve to take as much time as you need to make a decision that is right for you....who is checking the clock ...no-one you wont be late....i wish you well....good luck...deb

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I'm sorry to say it but you need to accept the reality that he may have had sex with this woman. And there may very well be others. We see this here all the time.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

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whichwayisup
Thanks!! That is some great advice I am going through so many emotions I feel like I'm losing my mind. I experienced hurt, anger, betrayal, worthlessness etc. He swears up and down he wouldn't do it again. But it always crosses my mind once a cheater always a cheater. I do want to believe him but the trust is going to be so hard so me to rebuild. I don't want to have to worry and fell that I have to watch him like a hawk. I am so insecure now that I find myself digging for more stuff and I know that isn't healthy :( I still love him very much I know it sounds cheesy and I sound like a fool.

 

Tell him this! That the blind faith and trust you once had in him is GONE thanks to his selfishless and decision to cheat on you. That will it take a long time before you begin to trust him again. If he IS willing to do ALL that you ask of him and is willing to work his ass off to prove to you he is worthy of a chance - Do it. Do counselling and allow him to earn your trust again. Why should you throw the towel in if you don't want to.

 

BUT.. Make sure HE understands that if he cheats on you again, he's out. The marriage is over and a divorce will happen. That you will NOT tolerate cheating and that he's damn lucky that you are a loving, kind and special person who has a big heart to work through this.

 

People deserve second changes as long as they are worthy of it.

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When talking to her she said she had no idea he was maaried. And that she wasn't that kind of woman if he was. She said he tild her he was divorced yea what a lower blow. I believe there is no more contact from what I know so hopefully it is true. But you are correct who knows how far this would have went if I didn't bite it in the you know what so soon. I had him leave the house for a few monts because I couldn't even stand to look at him. He seems remorseful because he kept begging me to allow him to come back home. Since he has been back we really don't talk about what happend which I know is not good.

 

 

 

He needs to end this with her and tell her goodbye. And of course go no contact.

 

He needs to go to counselling on his own and also go with you (marriage counseling - Use the same person for both).

 

Is he remorseful? Or is he doing damage control and secretly still in touch with the OW?

 

Fact is, if you hadn't busted him, this very well could have gone to the next level. That is, if she was telling the truth. Some OW protect their MM and lie to the betrayed spouse or they make up lies to interfer in the marriage, in hopes it'll cause more strife and he'll leave/divorce.

 

No matter what he says, it's his ACTIONS now that count.

 

He's a real shi.t to do this to you and your family. Selfish man and right now he is NOT the man you married, the man you thought you could trust fully. He is in a fog and that high he got, that rush of excitement and drama is gone so he will go through withdrawal.. Be tough and don't let him manipulate you. No decision has to made now (divorce) but what you CAN do is let him know you'll be speaking to a lawyer in the meantime (even if you don't, let him think you are, it might make him realize wtf he's about to lose.) He needs to show you in actions that he is willing to change, take FULL responsibility for his choice to cheat on you, betray you so deeply and cause you awful pain. HE did this, not you. Do NOT allow him to put blame on you because he chose to go outside of the marriage.

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I always trusted my husband I never had a issue with him hanging out with his friends. I knew he was out but I never thought cheating on me would cross his mind :( Is it wrong of me to allow him his space to go out?? I don't like when people tell me I can't do something so I feel I don't have the right to do the same

 

Trust..you trusted him....you didn't deny him personal space to hang out with his buddies...you respected him and he used your trust and that is the most valuable tool a cheater uses for their own agenda.

 

His buddies are probably cheaters also, they lie to their wives or girlfriends and it's accepted as the status quo.

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todreaminblue
Thanks!! That is some great advice I am going through so many emotions I feel like I'm losing my mind. I experienced hurt, anger, betrayal, worthlessness etc. He swears up and down he wouldn't do it again. But it always crosses my mind once a cheater always a cheater. I do want to believe him but the trust is going to be so hard so me to rebuild. I don't want to have to worry and fell that I have to watch him like a hawk. I am so insecure now that I find myself digging for more stuff and I know that isn't healthy :( I still love him very much I know it sounds cheesy and I sound like a fool.

 

 

everyone does experience everything that you are feeling in their life time....some more than others....some recover quickly, others cant...some give up..sometimes helping others is way for you to help yourself....in recovery move among the crowds you dont have to stand out just be part of it.....

here is something might brighten your day.....

you never know who might come your way,

just one walk down a street you don't know,

a wind of change for you might just blow .....possibility is just future reality...i wrote that for you...you thanked me already..good luck and i am happy i could have bought a smile to your face......best wishes....deb

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His buddies are probably cheaters also, they lie to their wives or girlfriends and it's accepted as the status quo.

 

Where's the clues in the story to suggest this please? I didn't see them and the OP has enough going on without us blowing it up even bigger.

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I know I feel like such a fool I trusted this man with all my life. And you are correct his friends are that way but I am not married to them so it didn't bother me about what they did in their lives but he does have friends that are single. This isn't the man I married I think some demon took over his body ( it is called lust or mid life crisis :(

 

Trust..you trusted him....you didn't deny him personal space to hang out with his buddies...you respected him and he used your trust and that is the most valuable tool a cheater uses for their own agenda.

 

His buddies are probably cheaters also, they lie to their wives or girlfriends and it's accepted as the status quo.

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I know I feel like such a fool I trusted this man with all my life. And you are correct his friends are that way but I am not married to them so it didn't bother me about what they did in their lives but he does have friends that are single. This isn't the man I married I think some demon took over his body ( it is called lust or mid life crisis :(

 

You're saying Furious is right and his friends are all cheaters - you must have an awareness that friends are a good barometer of standards and behaviour. Most of us wouldn't choose to hang out with people whose behaviour we disapprove of. :(

 

So I think you're wrong in that 'a demon took over his body'.

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Well she is not completely right he has some friends that are single, some that are happily married and maybe one that I know of that cheated on their partners. To me that is regardless my husand is his own person and should be responsible for his own actions. I have friends that do things I disaprove of but just because they do doesn't mean I would do the same.. I jsut don't believe in that sorry

 

You're saying Furious is right and his friends are all cheaters - you must have an awareness that friends are a good barometer of standards and behaviour. Most of us wouldn't choose to hang out with people whose behaviour we disapprove of. :(

 

So I think you're wrong in that 'a demon took over his body'.

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I know I feel like such a fool I trusted this man with all my life. And you are correct his friends are that way but I am not married to them so it didn't bother me about what they did in their lives but he does have friends that are single. This isn't the man I married I think some demon took over his body ( it is called lust or mid life crisis :(

 

You are not a fool for having trusted your husband. A happy marriage includes spending time out with friends and you respected that.

 

Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't go out with your girlfriends and he can't hang out with his buddies.

 

The fact your husband picked up a woman in a bar, his friends would have been aware of that..... and your husband felt comfortable enough to chat up this women with his buddies there says a lot about the people he's hanging with.

 

In the end the blame is his own, he chose to cheat.

 

How many men complain that their wife keeps them on a leash, and here you were trusting him and wanting him to be happy, glad that he could spend time with friends. He abused your trust, and you have every right to be angry that this has happened.

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Just_A_Poster

Would I tell a woman - who was able to find my phone number and probably with a little more effort could find out where I live - that I'd had sex with her husband if she called me, clearly distraught and looking for answers?

 

Oh HELL NO, I sure wouldn't.

 

I would totally lie and minimize the truth out of fear of getting my ass kicked by the distraught wife on the phone, as well as try to protect my married man 'friend' from having to deal with D-Day fall-out at home.

 

Therefore OP, I would NOT take this woman's word - that they didn't have sex - as gospel. Sorry.

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Your story sounds similar to mine. I trusted my husband completely and was shocked to find out he was hanging around another woman. He Deny's doing anything to this day but he was hiding down stairs calling her. In my opinion if you are not doing anything wrong you would not have to hide. Well with that being said I know how you feel. This is going to take time to heal and earning your trust back is a hard one. Going to counseling will help you both so consider that. He needs to be an open book by letting you see his phone calls and letting you know what he is doing for a while. He can not twist this around and put it back on you it will cause resentment.

Most of all this can never happen again. My husband was

going through Mid life crisis and still is so I studied about it. Wow crazy stuff but does happen. I wish you the best and hope you come out with a stronger marriage. Big Hugs

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The questions that need to be answered are:

 

Why did he need her attention?

What is missing in him (NOT YOU) that he tried to fulfill?

Why does he think adding another woman to his life will bring him happiness?

 

The truths that he has now exposed are for you to integrate into your overall understanding of him:

 

He IS lacking something in his character

He can lie to you for his own benefit (the very definition of cheating)

He somehow rationalizes that he deserves it, even at the expense of the family

 

That is why some of the other posters above have suggested counciling. You may be great at whatever profession you have chosen. BUT, when it comes to this kind of stuff, it is all way beyond our pay grade.

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Infidelity does not happen by mistake or on accident.

 

He met this woman, liked her, got her number, communicated with her, lied to her, and started making a plan. That's the problem...he was shopping. With intent.

 

Those things you know. Maybe they had sex, you don't know. Maybe she is also married, you don't know. Maybe he has done this before, you don't know.

 

You only know that he made a plan to betray you and carried it through. At what point in the plan you discovered it, makes no difference.

 

Not talking about it is not good, no. Not doing something about it, while both of you sort out your feelings, is worse.

 

His methods of communication have to be completely open and transparent to you because he screwed up, he betrayed you, and now you have to figure out what's going on in your life and cannot at the moment count on him to Look out for your best interests.

 

You would be in complete denial not to get an std test.

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Ninja'sHusband
Thanks!! That is some great advice I am going through so many emotions I feel like I'm losing my mind. I experienced hurt, anger, betrayal, worthlessness etc. He swears up and down he wouldn't do it again. But it always crosses my mind once a cheater always a cheater. I do want to believe him but the trust is going to be so hard so me to rebuild. I don't want to have to worry and fell that I have to watch him like a hawk. I am so insecure now that I find myself digging for more stuff and I know that isn't healthy :( I still love him very much I know it sounds cheesy and I sound like a fool.

This is SOOOO normal. Do not beat yourself up for it. People have crazy rollercoaster emotions right after D-Day(discovery day) and for months after that at least. Wanting to check up like crazy is actually normal...and I think a good thing. Cheaters lie, like yours did. They might finally admit to something, but it's usually only because you proved that much to be true. You need verification. Online phone records, email, I found directions to a hotel in the car, facebook messages, etc. IT sounds insane but I wish I had snooped better at first. It would have saved 3 months of wasted therapy with my wife just sitting in the office lying to both me and the therapist.

 

Also I think my wife's affair took about a 4 weeks to go from kissing to the point of full intercourse. You might be lucky that you caught it early enough...that is if you can trust what you are told. My conversations with the "other man"(OM) and my wife ended up pointless at first. They managed to work out a story even though I was trying to prevent that. She used hysteria to thwart my efforts...meh probably shouldn't go into more detail.

 

For me the big reveal was facebook messages. You can load all the old chat messages in their account. Scroll to the top and it loads older messages, then scroll up again. Stupid technical detail made me not see an entire conversation at first.

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