Those awful demons of Jealousy, Fear and Sorrow

[Jonah]

For those that may have experienced something similar, please read the below text and let me know if I got it right. The work "unbreakable" is not quite right... it is something else but I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

The text: -->>

 

It was a Monday after school and I knew where you were. I was hurt and we were going to have another talk when you got home. Sick inside, I didn’t venture out. I stayed home, skipping dinner when you didn’t show, forcing myself into denial waiting up all night for you. Minutes became hours, and each hour became its own eternity… the horrible realization slowly sinking in at 3-4am. She is not coming home. She is in Tim’s bed. A cold numbness enveloped my skin as I was finally realizing that your affair with Tim was much more that I had let myself believe. Alone I faced those awful demons of Jealousy, Fear and Sorrow, who instilled into me the root of a greasy black malignancy… finding its way – worming its awful, unmerciful and unbreakable tentacles deep into my essence, my id, grotesquely deforming the sacred womb inside of me where my forces of love are conceived. I was in shock... mental and physical shock. What would be severe for a mature adult, I had to face when I had just turned 19. I had no idea of what to do.

[GLDheart]

Sadly, if you send that she will likely respond: "whatever... wacko."

 

She is CLEARLY not worried about your feelings and the last thing she wants to do is read them and give them any weight over her.

[GLDheart]

oh and by the way... instead of "unbreakable", "insideous tentacles" might be a slightly more graphic way of describing the feeling.

[Jonah]

oh and by the way... instead of "unbreakable", "insideous tentacles" might be a slightly more graphic way of describing the feeling.

 

insidious... no that's not right. Have you been there? If not then you wouldn't know.

[mercy]

We overuse so many words that it seems they lose there meaning. Sorrow in the true sense of the word.

 

I don't understand how unbreakable fits.

 

I learned after the fact. But what I did was relived those moments and compared them to what I was doing at the time. Such normal things, little did I know. I became obsessed with it for a time. Gut wrenching it was for me.

[drifter777]

For those that may have experienced something similar, please read the below text and let me know if I got it right. The work "unbreakable" is not quite right... it is something else but I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

The text: -->>

 

It was a Monday after school and I knew where you were. I was hurt and we were going to have another talk when you got home. Sick inside, I didn’t venture out. I stayed home, skipping dinner when you didn’t show, forcing myself into denial waiting up all night for you. Minutes became hours, and each hour became its own eternity… the horrible realization slowly sinking in at 3-4am. She is not coming home. She is in Tim’s bed. A cold numbness enveloped my skin as I was finally realizing that your affair with Tim was much more that I had let myself believe. Alone I faced those awful demons of Jealousy, Fear and Sorrow, who instilled into me the root of a greasy black malignancy… finding its way – worming its awful, unmerciful and unbreakable tentacles deep into my essence, my id, grotesquely deforming the sacred womb inside of me where my forces of love are conceived. I was in shock... mental and physical shock. What would be severe for a mature adult, I had to face when I had just turned 19. I had no idea of what to do.

 

Maybe relentless?

 

I've been there and your description really strikes a chord in me. I was 25, you were 19 and it's simply more difficult to deal with when you're young. Beyond the devastation you and I both felt, in my memory another word comes to mind that now helps me understand my behavior during that time; shattered. When your world is turned upside down, when up is down and black is white and the person you trusted completely betrays you, nothing makes sense anymore. I was young and had no frame of reference; no idea what to do, how to respond or how to act. Should I talk to someone? No, I'm too ashamed of my wife to let anyone in on this secret. Should I physically attack the OM? No, it's hard to blame a guy for taking pussy that is handed to him. She's to blame, not him.

 

I'll spare you the rest of the story because you seem to be sharing how you felt in the immediate wake of d-day. The state of mind that most of us BS's are in during that period is the kind of thing that leads to murder and/or suicide. Obviously, those BS's posting here on LS took another path, but thinking back frightens me because I was so close to doing something terrible.

[GLDheart]

.... Have you been there? ...

 

 

I soooooo wish I could say no to that. I sadly relate to your words way too much. "Insideous" is the word I suggested because of the way thoughts crept in, took root, haunted me, and tainted day to day living. $hit, if I had a good day, she would show up in my dreams. Damn her! Seriously.

 

I'm still "not right" and weird about so many things I once took for granted. Innocence robbed, never to return.

[g450]

Good God Jonah! Not to be cruel but you sound like a girl.

 

The most meaningful message you should give her is complete and utter silence. That will speak more than anything else.

[GLDheart]

Good God Jonah! Not to be cruel but you sound like a girl.

 

The most meaningful message you should give her is complete and utter silence. That will speak more than anything else.

 

And someday, she will respect you for your strength (even though you hid how hard it really was).

[Jonah]

Sorry I should have led in with a background:

This happened a long time ago, but it seems like yesterday and the hurt had never gone away.

I am writing this to her because just recently I once again gave her a ray of hope only to disappoint her again and now she is mad at me. She asked some questions and I feel inclined to answer. The text is just one paragraph in a long letter that I am actually enjoying writing to her. I am including every important thing that I can remember that happened to us in hopes of some understanding. I am very fond of her and the letter will be full of flattery, just as all of my letters to her have been. Am I trying to string her along again? I don’t want to do that. I didn’t ever mean to do that… I always meant it to be a happy ending.

I just want this one paragraph to be right as I want her to understand how having to live through that night and all the events of her affair really messed me up.

The sad thing is that she and I go together like bread and butter and I now regret that, for all the times that I tried, I could not find a way to let her back into my life.

Anyway, please help me get this paragraph right. Though, like the previous poster said, she may think “yeah whatever, wacko.” I think if I get it just right, and she actually reads it… The end result I am looking for is to at least part cordially rather than in anger. If we could be friends then I win. But it is all or nothing with this woman. With me, she either loves or hates… there is no medium.

-Jonah

[Jonah]

Maybe relentless?

 

thinking back frightens me because I was so close to doing something terrible.

 

It was of course good that you didn't do something terrible drifter... certainly not worth it. But I don't regret the action that I took because it gave me a better picture of what the woman that had been my soul-mate for two years was capable of:

 

That next morning after waiting up for her all night, I went to his apartment and talked my way in. He being much older than us, he didn’t seem to care. So I go in to find my girl on his couch in nothing but his shirt, her panties and a little Mona Lisa smile. I sat next to her and begged her to come home, told her I would marry her, begged her to please hold me but she just kept pushing me away. Her words then still murder me to this day: “Love is not enough” and “sleeping with a guy is different than going to bed with him”. At the door I looked back to her, begging her one last time: “please come home” With her little Mona Lisa smile being the response, I slowly closed the door… rushing to school for the technical math finals that were scheduled for that week.

-Jonah

[Jonah]

And someday, she will respect you for your strength (even though you hid how hard it really was).

 

Thank you for your thoughts GLDheart. But I think the only way that I could win any positive thoughts from her would be to dedicate the rest of my life to her. Anything less than that, then I believe that she will always see me as the weakest person in the world.

 

-Jonah

[g450]

Thank you for your thoughts GLDheart. But I think the only way that I could win any positive thoughts from her would be to dedicate the rest of my life to her. Anything less than that, then I believe that she will always see me as the weakest person in the world.

 

-Jonah

 

OMG where is my 2x4? I threw up a little in my mouth when I read this.

 

Jonah you are codependant and have low self esteem. You need to work on THIS ASAP. Leave the damn girl alone. You are right about one thing though, she DOES see you as the weakest person in the world. How could she not. You are starting to convince the rest of us of the same.

 

Seriously, are you drinking when you post this stuff??

[Darren Steez]

This guy absolutely can't be real...but if you are buddy you're leading a sorry life. Can't really understand the reason you are here though, she cheated, she left you and you're doing everything to get her back...you need advice with that? Or are you here to play weak boy and antagonize all the heartbroken posters who will inevitably scream at you for appearing to be so weak?

[GLDheart]

... The end result I am looking for is to at least part cordially rather than in anger...

 

Then simply harbor no anger. You don't need to write a letter to be "not-mad".

 

It is my impression that your real goal is to keep the lines of communication open. That is your way of keeping hope alive. But there is a problem.

 

Read nearly any/every thread in this forum. The 101 of reconciliation requires a remorseful spouse looking to rebuild the relationship that they destroyed. I do not see that in her with what you wrote. Where is it that she even wants to be with you? That she is hurt for the pain she caused you? That she has learned the carnage of her actions and vows to never repeat them?

 

Jonah, from what you have written, this girl doesn't deserve the shavings from your pencil let alone a love letter of your most intimate thoughts.

[Jonah]

iBut just one last letter. 17 pages and it's almost finished, I enjoyed writing it, its a good one and by golly I am going to send it! I'm not looking for a reply. I think with this, everything that I have meant to say will have been said. So there won't be much else to say even if she did reply. There is nothing else to say. But these things I must say.

 

She was here in the spring... Drove a thousand miles to see me. A week of romance on the beach. Very sweet... Perfect really. She is still gorgeous, my love goddess.

 

Our last hurrah? We thought that before. But this time I think it might be the last time.

 

So this one last letter... She will like it.

 

-Jonah

[Jonah]

Then simply harbor no anger. You don't need to write a letter to be "not-mad".

 

 

 

Jonah, from what you have written, this girl doesn't deserve the shavings from your pencil let alone a love letter of your most intimate thoughts.

 

Thank you for the reply's GLDheart.

 

Part of it is just that, my sharp pencil in her heart. If I can make her hurt just for a moment the way I hurt it will be worth it. But that's not all, I need to vent and I want her to be the recipient. Most of all though, I wanted to tell the lady that I loved her, love her and always will. That is the sharp pointy part of the pencil you understand.

 

Funny, what I expected from you loveshack folks was: "leave the poor lady alone!"

 

She way more than made up for it after her affair but I couldn't recover in time. If she wouldn't have been so durn sweet to me when she came back then I wouldn't have this cursed obsession! But I kept pushing her away and lost her. After that both of us with kids and everything - too many logistics kept us apart. Guess it just wasn't meant to be or whatever. Kills me constantly.

 

If you saw us together you would say, ah gee guys you two really blew it!

 

-Jonah

[Jonah]

OMG where is my 2x4? I threw up a little in my mouth when I read this.

 

Jonah you are codependant and have low self esteem. You need to work on THIS ASAP. Leave the damn girl alone. You are right about one thing though, she DOES see you as the weakest person in the world. How could she not. You are starting to convince the rest of us of the same.

 

Seriously, are you drinking when you post this stuff??

 

No no, my logic makes sense. All of the ladies that I have dated, once the "serious" line got crossed... anything less than total dedication = ZERO.

 

Do you read threads before you post or just shoot from the hip all the time?

 

Seriously, I do appreciate your feedback all the same. -Jonah

[2sure]

Change the womb part. You have to.

[Jonah]

Change the womb part. You have to.

 

Well, thanks. But gee, I failed English comp so maybe just a little more help?

 

What are the words to describe waiting up all night for a lover to come home knowing that she (or he) is with someone else? How does that change a person?

 

Womb.... I meant to describe how my love force, not just for her but for all had been damaged.

 

So when I feel love for a woman... It just hasn't been the same since that night. The best way to describe it is that I haven't been able to connect like I should. I guess you have to experience it to know what I am talking about.

 

It could be that I am just normal now, like everyone else. Love just being a word to help describe the business of being in a relationship.

 

 

-Jonah

[Jonah]

 

Do you read threads before you post or just shoot from the hip all the time?

 

Woop, didn't mean to post that. Something left in the clipboard from something else... sorry.

[Furious]

Jonah

 

It's great that you wrote 17 pages of your deepest feelings....and in a way it is beneficial to your healing. But I would advise you to not send those 17 pages to your ex.

 

Sometimes less is more, and this grand essay is way over the top.

 

Truthfully, if you want to make her understand the depth of your feelings and the hurt you've felt, it would be better to do this with no contact, not a single word.

 

Your silence, the dignity it takes to walk away is more profound. She will feel your absence and that is more telling than a 17 page essay as to what she has lost.

 

Less is more...really!