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How do you forgive?!


ShakeyMouse

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ShakeyMouse

I've posted before. I found almost 3 months ago that my wife has been cheating on me for about 3 years...at the time I foun out we'd been married about 3.5 years. We are still together right now. Going to a therapist and trying to work it out. Although I do not think it will work out. I really don't think I can get passed it. Yesterday she asked me to forgive her. I asked her what is forgiveness and how do you do it. I'm still incredibly damaged by what she did and our attempted reconciliation has been rocky and I do doubt her true intentions regarding reconciling...I think she might be more concerned with how she will look when/if family (particularly hers) will react to us breaking up. I will say she appears to be putting forth an honest effort, but hell she was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know.

 

All that to say I am curious about forgiveness.

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Ninja'sHusband

It takes time and you have to be sure she has changed. Otherwise it's not forgiveness, it's enabling. Reconciliation often takes years. People here call quick forgiveness "cheap forgiveness" that can actually do more harm than good because the WS thinks their work is done. Us as BSs want to think we can forgive...but then we start to see the full effects the affair have had... Give yourself time.

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I've posted before. I found almost 3 months ago that my wife has been cheating on me for about 3 years...at the time I foun out we'd been married about 3.5 years. We are still together right now. Going to a therapist and trying to work it out. Although I do not think it will work out. I really don't think I can get passed it. Yesterday she asked me to forgive her. I asked her what is forgiveness and how do you do it. I'm still incredibly damaged by what she did and our attempted reconciliation has been rocky and I do doubt her true intentions regarding reconciling...I think she might be more concerned with how she will look when/if family (particularly hers) will react to us breaking up. I will say she appears to be putting forth an honest effort, but hell she was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know.

 

All that to say I am curious about forgiveness.

 

I don't think she deserves forgiveness, and I really don't think you should give it to her. Forgiveness is overrated, that is, unless you decide for some awful reason to stay with her.

 

But that is really up to you. Do you want to stay with her? I don't see how any man can have a wife that has cheated for 3 years could even stomach to look at her face after what she did...for 3 years!!!

But again, thats up to you.

 

If you decide to stay, then I suppose you have to forgive her. And if you do forgive her, then there needs to be some huge changes in the way she conducts herself, in my opinion.

 

For one, she has lost certain freedoms that are afforded to people that are worthy of trust. For instance, if she expects to be given a 2nd chance, then she should want to not do anything that is unacceptable as a proven cheater, such as going on girls nights out, going out to bars or partying without you. (not saying she has done these things, they are just examples)

 

In other words, she has f****d up certain freedoms she enjoyed in a marriage from a husband that trusted her. She either starts acting like a wife, or you should make sure she isn't one any longer.

 

But if it were me, and it was, I'd just start taking steps to get rid of someone that obviously can't be trusted and got to go out and have her little fun for 3 years behind your back, and at your expense.

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I've posted before. I found almost 3 months ago that my wife has been cheating on me for about 3 years...at the time I foun out we'd been married about 3.5 years. We are still together right now. Going to a therapist and trying to work it out. Although I do not think it will work out. I really don't think I can get passed it. Yesterday she asked me to forgive her. I asked her what is forgiveness and how do you do it. I'm still incredibly damaged by what she did and our attempted reconciliation has been rocky and I do doubt her true intentions regarding reconciling...I think she might be more concerned with how she will look when/if family (particularly hers) will react to us breaking up. I will say she appears to be putting forth an honest effort, but hell she was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know.

 

All that to say I am curious about forgiveness.

 

I hate your story because the thought of someone starting an affair 6 months into their marriage and maintaining it for years is disgusting. But, looking at it for what it is, I admire you for even attempting to reconcile with your wife. I believe you when you say it doesn't feel like it's going to work for all the reasons you list. But to get to your question regarding how to forgive, I have been recommending the book "How Can I Forgive You". In it the author takes the position that forgiveness is something a betrayer has to earn and not something that the betrayed simply grants to them in the hope it will somehow release their pain/anger/sadness. It walks you through the process and at least educates those people who are having difficulty forgiving.

 

I am quick to add that this book is no magic formula and forgiveness still requires a lot of work from both the BS and WS, but it has given me some hope that forgiveness is possible. One more thing to remember is that even if you are able to forgive your wife it doesn't mean that reconciliation is possible or even right for you.

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Basically, she lied to you the entire marriage. Why not try and find someone who cares enough about you to treat you good. She's not worth it.

 

She never thought about you. She only thought of herself, and now, again, that is what she is thinking about "how are people gonna look at me".

 

Be strong. Now it's you time. You think about you. When you think of her, don't remember the good ol' days, and don't dwell on the terrible chit she did behind you back either. Immediately try and change your focus onto your own self-improvement. Music, fun, friends, travel (without her), exercise, eating right...but do it AWAY from her.

 

Kick her out...tell her you need her to leave. If she doesn't want to, sell the house...just get away from her. She is like a cancer to you, only going to remind you of what she did, AND IT WILL NEVER END!

 

Separation will allow you to work on you and forget about her. The woman you thought you were married to, does not exist anymore...and the sad truth is, she NEVER DID. She is false, and the tears and begging you may see are only because she wants you to still pine over her.

 

You deserve more in life.

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Betrayed&Stayed
I've posted before. I found almost 3 months ago that my wife has been cheating on me for about 3 years...at the time I foun out we'd been married about 3.5 years. We are still together right now. Going to a therapist and trying to work it out. Although I do not think it will work out. I really don't think I can get passed it. Yesterday she asked me to forgive her. I asked her what is forgiveness and how do you do it. I'm still incredibly damaged by what she did and our attempted reconciliation has been rocky and I do doubt her true intentions regarding reconciling...I think she might be more concerned with how she will look when/if family (particularly hers) will react to us breaking up. I will say she appears to be putting forth an honest effort, but hell she was cheating on me for 3 years and I didn't know.

 

All that to say I am curious about forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation. You can forgive her and still divorce her.

 

A 3 year A is very tough for a BS to get past. If you have not entered the Anger stage of grief yet, you will soon. When you do, it will be intense!

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What are you doing to verify NC?

 

What are you and WW doing to recover?

 

Has WW answered all your questions about the affair?

 

Odds are against you having a happy marriage because statistics show that when a WW is sleeping around this early in a marriage she will do it again. This time you are lucky that the OM did not get WW pregnant.

 

The both of you need to go to your family Dr and get STD testing.

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I did it like this: "BYE!"

 

I forgive her. I am moving on. Now she is her own problem.

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Only a few months from discovering her affair it is too soon for your wife to even ask for forgiveness.

 

That is way too much pressure on you. You have every right to be sad, hurt, angry, confused, and you have the right to not even contemplate forgiving her at this time or ever.

 

Your wife has done enough damage and it adds insult to injury to be asking for forgiveness on her timetable. She wants you to hurry up and forgive her, to put it in the past as quickly as possible.

 

 

If she is sincere she can only hope that someday you forgive her and respect that there is no timetable attached to it.

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...get rid of someone that obviously can't be trusted and got to go out and have her little fun for 3 years behind your back, and at your expense.

 

THIS.

 

Seriously, what is your role in her life? The provider? You provide like some Daddy she gets to sneak out of the house on and sleeps around? Does that work for you?

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ShakeyMouse

She appears to be saying all the right things. When she asked me to forgive her she said she wasn't expecting anything to happen now, she says she has apologized and said she was sorry but it occurred to her that she had not asked for forgiveness. Why does it feel like I'm being "handled"?

 

On another note she told me the OM txted her yesterday. She maintains that she has not been in contact with him since I found out. And she is telling me about it because in one of our therapy sessions the therapist told her to tell me when he did contact her and to let me decide how it should be handled. I don't know what to tell her to do exactly. Other than the obvious no contact...seems like it could be an opportunity to get more info. She maintains that the affair mainly consisted of them texting and there were only three sexual encounters...the OM lived about 1k miles away.

 

I know I mentioned that I thought its possible she is going got reconciliation to save face, but what is the end game there?

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She appears to be saying all the right things. When she asked me to forgive her she said she wasn't expecting anything to happen now, she says she has apologized and said she was sorry but it occurred to her that she had not asked for forgiveness. Why does it feel like I'm being "handled"?

 

On another note she told me the OM txted her yesterday. She maintains that she has not been in contact with him since I found out. And she is telling me about it because in one of our therapy sessions the therapist told her to tell me when he did contact her and to let me decide how it should be handled. I don't know what to tell her to do exactly. Other than the obvious no contact...seems like it could be an opportunity to get more info. She maintains that the affair mainly consisted of them texting and there were only three sexual encounters...the OM lived about 1k miles away.

 

 

I know I mentioned that I thought its possible she is going got reconciliation to save face, but what is the end game there?

 

 

Has she shown you the text?

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Before you can even start thinking about forgiveness ..you have have to really feel that she is remorseful and wants very much to reconcile the marriage. You have doubts, and its so soon thats natural. Maybe they will be confirmed or they will be erased.

 

Forgiveness is still down the road. To me, immediate forgiveness is a kind of denial.

 

Anyway..I have found out that whether you stay or leave...you still have to deal with the forgiveness. Seriously, you do - or you will carry the hurt and anger with you.

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Read my signature and think about its meaning. Forgiveness is not something you really give to another person. It's just words. Forgiveness is a the biggest gift you can give yourself because then you are making a confirmation that you are willing to work past the issues. It's not a simple process and it doesn't mean that you condone in any way what took place.

 

Forgive yes, forget never.

 

SL

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She is suppose to show me the text today after work.

 

 

Why didn't she show you the text yesterday when she told you about it?

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She is suppose to show me the text today after work.

 

Huh? You didn't ask to see it on the spot? Come on - start making demands man!

 

Send that dude a no contact letter together! Block his number! Block every way he can contact her!

 

IF she won't WILLINGLY do it ALL - EVERYTHING you ask - to end the A - then she INTENDS to keep it goi.

 

She's been cheating MOST of your M! Therefore you really have no marriage!

 

I'm left wondering why YOU would even consider staying with her?

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She appears to be saying all the right things. When she asked me to forgive her she said she wasn't expecting anything to happen now, she says she has apologized and said she was sorry but it occurred to her that she had not asked for forgiveness. Why does it feel like I'm being "handled"?

 

Why does it feel like you are being handled?

 

Let me guess, she didn't come to you and confess. You caught her, am I right?

 

If this is true, it means she'd still be pleasuring herself with him to this day.

 

She is sorry she got caught and that the risk of losing her comfortable, familiar home life is now a reality. You had to catch her to get her to stop, otherwise she'd still be screwing him.

 

 

She maintains that the affair mainly consisted of them texting and there were only three sexual encounters...the OM lived about 1k miles away.

 

Who cares if it was just one kiss. Why do cheaters insist that the quantity of their sexual encounters somehow should make a difference?

 

I know I mentioned that I thought its possible she is going got reconciliation to save face, but what is the end game there?

 

Its more than possible, I think that is the reason. Again, she got caught, right? Otherwise she'd still want him. And to be honest, she still does. She is just cutting things off with him because now she stands to lose some comforts. The comforts of having a home with a faithful husband.

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She is suppose to show me the text today after work.

 

And her text back to him should be something along the lines of, "we are through, do not contact me anymore. my husband knows about you now"

 

 

And yes, she should be sending this message. But something tells me she won't really want to do it, or will be filled with grief if she is made to.

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Read my signature and think about its meaning. Forgiveness is not something you really give to another person. It's just words. Forgiveness is a the biggest gift you can give yourself because then you are making a confirmation that you are willing to work past the issues. It's not a simple process and it doesn't mean that you condone in any way what took place.

 

Forgive yes, forget never.

 

SL

 

I'm really sick of reading crap like this. In my opinion this mindset regarding forgiveness is a recipe for future disaster. Exactly the opposite of what you say, forgiveness must be earned by the betrayer or else it is meaningless. It is "cheap forgiveness" granted by the BS when they are desperate for a life raft in a sea of sh*t.

 

Cheap forgiveness, hysterical bonding, accepting responsibility for the WS's cheating - these are all things that BS will regret. When the smoke clears and the reality of the betrayal sinks in the true emotions need to be addressed.

 

We're all entitled to our opinions, I just think yours is not based in reality.

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I'm really sick of reading crap like this. In my opinion this mindset regarding forgiveness is a recipe for future disaster. Exactly the opposite of what you say, forgiveness must be earned by the betrayer or else it is meaningless. It is "cheap forgiveness" granted by the BS when they are desperate for a life raft in a sea of sh*t.

 

Cheap forgiveness, hysterical bonding, accepting responsibility for the WS's cheating - these are all things that BS will regret. When the smoke clears and the reality of the betrayal sinks in the true emotions need to be addressed.

 

We're all entitled to our opinions, I just think yours is not based in reality.

 

Then you obviously haven't done any reading from some of the biggest authors on the subject about it. What I stated came directly from "Not Just Friends" at end of the book in the chapter about Forgiveness. I am here to help by giving another outlook. That's fine if you don't agree, but to say it's not based in reality is completely false.

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Ninja'sHusband
I'm really sick of reading crap like this. In my opinion this mindset regarding forgiveness is a recipe for future disaster. Exactly the opposite of what you say, forgiveness must be earned by the betrayer or else it is meaningless. It is "cheap forgiveness" granted by the BS when they are desperate for a life raft in a sea of sh*t.

 

Cheap forgiveness, hysterical bonding, accepting responsibility for the WS's cheating - these are all things that BS will regret. When the smoke clears and the reality of the betrayal sinks in the true emotions need to be addressed.

 

We're all entitled to our opinions, I just think yours is not based in reality.

To me there's two kinds of forgiveness floating around. This one applies to me in my current situation, but not in yours. I need to forgive and move on...for me. For you, you are still married. Forgiveness for you might mean enablement of her bad behaviour since you are still together. You need your boundaries. I guess if you tied both definitions together it might go along the lines of "Forgive for yourself and your own peace, but keep your boundaries for that same peace". Forgiveness acknowledges something bad happened, but you won't hate or focus on it anymore. YOu no longer have fear of it happening again. So if you have a remoreseful fWS you can forgive, still acknowledging what they did was bad, but not have fear of it happening again. If you leave you can forgive, acknowledge what was wrong, and not have fear of it happening again because you have detached yourself from them.

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To me there's two kinds of forgiveness floating around. This one applies to me in my current situation' date=' but not in yours. I need to forgive and move on...for me. For you, you are still married. Forgiveness for you might mean enablement of her bad behaviour since you are still together. You need your boundaries. I guess if you tied both definitions together it might go along the lines of "Forgive for yourself and your own peace, but keep your boundaries for that same peace". Forgiveness acknowledges something bad happened, but you won't hate or focus on it anymore. YOu no longer have fear of it happening again. So if you have a remoreseful fWS you can forgive, still acknowledging what they did was bad, but not have fear of it happening again. If you leave you can forgive, acknowledge what was wrong, and not have fear of it happening again because you have detached yourself from them.[/quote']

 

You are talking about ACCEPTANCE, not FORGIVENESS. Acceptance is the next best thing and can give you the closure you are looking for when dealing with a betrayer that you do not live with (or is dead). I know these are just labels, but the difference is key during an active reconciliation.

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Ninja'sHusband
You are talking about ACCEPTANCE, not FORGIVENESS. Acceptance is the next best thing and can give you the closure you are looking for when dealing with a betrayer that you do not live with (or is dead). I know these are just labels, but the difference is key during an active reconciliation.

That's an interesting way to label it :) I read two books that label it post divorce\break as "forgiveness". I can kinda see what you are saying, like you "accept" that it happened and is in the past. Buuuuttt, infidelity is definitely not something I can accept and live with on a continuing basis..so in that light I disagree. I will not accept infidelity from a spouse. Just looked it up on wiki and acceptance says you make no attempt to change anything. If there's infidelity, something needs to CHANGE!

 

I dunno...I think we agree on the ideas. I think the language is vague. I'll stop with the semantic babble. Maybe there is no "best word".

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There's no way to forgive if the person who offended you isn't sorry - AND taken action to repair what they did wrong.

 

Acceptance is different. I don't believe in becoming accepting of UNACCEPTABLE behavior! That would just encourage more bad behavior. I simply and calmly state what I find unacceptable. The other person has a choice - either they change or not! IF they choose not to change - it does NOT mean I need to find their behavior acceptable.

 

At that point it's up to ME to determine that it's a boundary I can't live with - and cut ties. THAT in itself is sending a strong message that I don't plan to accept crappy behavior and pretend like that's ok.

 

The acceptance comes in that I acknowledge that some relationships end. That's ok! It makes it easier to have loving and kind people around me.

 

You gotta determine where that boundary is for you!

 

It helps to remember that everything is temporary.

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