How did/do you rebuild trust?

[NotCamelot]

Some of you have read my long sordid story. We are moving forward pretty well..mostly all good times. I still have those moments where I remember the bad stuff, but, thankfully, those are getting fewer .... even though we are just a little over 2 months since d-day.

 

But, I wonder, how did or how are some of you rebuilding trust in your M? I want to trust my W again....I really don't want to keep checking phone, computers, etc. forever. I will certainly do it for a while, no doubt. I won't be blind sided again......though I don't really think that will happen, but I did not think that 21 years ago either.

 

What actions, etc., did it take for before you started letting go and trusting again.

 

I don't really want to hear from anyone saying "she will do it again". I had an EA almost 3 years ago. I WON'T do it again. I believe her. So, please, helpful comments only........

[Soul_Lost]

There is no checklist for rebuilding trust. Like many things you are forced to deal with during this phase, it takes time. You will know based on actions and not words. It's a culmination of everything with little steps in between.

 

Trust is easily lost but hard to regain. The main thing about all of what happens is that you need to remember this was never about you. Once I came to that realization, the trust started to get restored. But that took me almost 2 years to understand. I'm now just over 3 years and the trust is better than it has been but it will never be like it was.

 

I am in a different place emotionally from where I was at the beginning. I have seperated fact from fiction and my reactions are different now. I have grown and matured tremendously in these 3 years. You will have to find your place and your direction first. You need to be on solid ground emotionally where you can look at things at face value without looking for a hidden meaning. When you can do that, then you know that the trust is being rebuilt.

 

SL

[beenburned]

NC,

 

You have just started on a very long journey. It can not be rushed, as it is the accumulation of day to day living.

 

As your spouse continuously shows you by their actions they can change, the trust is built back up slowly over many years.

 

Their honesty and dedication will eventually be felt deep in your heart, to the point you stop checking up on them.

 

The whole marriage foundation will feel secure as your belief in your spouse grows larger. You will once again feel proud of their accomplishments as your love grows deeper and matures with time.

 

It will always be a small part of the history of an otherwise long and happy marriage. Acceptance is the key.

[nofool4u]

I don't really want to hear from anyone saying "she will do it again".

 

Ok, so I won't say it.

 

 

I had an EA almost 3 years ago. I WON'T do it again. I believe her. So, please, helpful comments only........

 

If you know you won't do it again, and you believe she won't do it again, then you DO trust her.

 

So which is it? You trust her or you don't? Seems like you already solved your problem by believing that she won't do it again.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think the most powerful thing to rebuilding trust is hard truth. If someone can bare their soul to you and expose their own flaws then you start to see they can tell the truth even when it's hard. If they lied about the affair when confronted, or told half truths...they lost a lot of opportunity.

 

I think a lot of cheaters think that simply saying "I'm not cheating now!" and having it be true should restore trust...it goes a little ways, but not much.

 

Little good truths might show that a person has finally started to change, but it's exhausting because they have to verify...these kind of truths are suspect.

 

Here's an example of something that would be good: "Honey, my xAP contacted me today. Here's the message they sent. What do you want me to do?".

 

Hiding such a message and then having it found by the BS = baaddddd.

 

Suggestions initiated by the WS are good too. Like, "I think we should move to another city."and\or, "I've applied for another job".

[NotCamelot]

Obviously, no one can be certain of what any person will or won't do. I believe that she won't ..... and..... she is giving me every available opportunity to check on anything and everything. There is no evidence at all to suggest anything. I feel that we are on the right path.

 

 

In fact, a little unexpected assurance happend Monday night. As we were sitting watching TV, I had been extremely quiet. (I had some bad memories happening that afternoon.) When she asked me what was wrong, I told her the truth - that I unwantedly was remembering what happened....but that I was OK, and not to worry. A few moments later I saw tears streaming down her cheeks. I asked her why she was crying. She said, "Because you're not happy. I really want you to be happy. I want you to know I love you."

 

I guess, to clarify, were there certain "things" that worked well for others?

[nofool4u]

Obviously, no one can be certain of what any person will or won't do. I believe that she won't ..... and..... she is giving me every available opportunity to check on anything and everything. There is no evidence at all to suggest anything. I feel that we are on the right path.

 

Then there you go, problem solved. Trust rebuilt.

[NotCamelot]

Then there you go, problem solved. Trust rebuilt.

 

Not rebuilt.......rebuilding yes. It has to start somewhere. I don't see that it can't start like this.

[NotCamelot]

Yeah, 2 months. I know. I do want things back to "good".....and I would like it to be fast......I know, however, that it won't be fast. She wants it to be fast......I guess she will stop feeling as guilty once she sees I am ok.

 

How did you go about having a polygraph administered? Did you ask the questions? I would not do this, but am quite curious.

Edited July 25, 2012 by NotCamelot

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Not rebuilt.......rebuilding yes. It has to start somewhere. I don't see that it can't start like this.

 

Day by day. Brick by brick. To me rebuilding trust is a process, not necessarily an end point.

[GLDheart]

Time.

 

It took me about two years before it clicked that her affair was "history". It just didn't bother me like a fresh wound anymore.

[NotCamelot]

Time.

 

It took me about two years before it clicked that her affair was "history". It just didn't bother me like a fresh wound anymore.

 

During the two years, were there any specific things that helped you get to it being "history"?

[2sunny]

Trust is EARNED - by actions... Mainly because words mean nothing at this juncture.

 

It will take a long time to rebuild a NEW marriage.

 

You must let go of what it used to be like... That was a broken M - you two must build something completely new - based on HONESTY which builds trust.

 

It's really up to her to DO that part in it - based on how she participates.

 

If you leave it the way it's always been - you only are left with THAT broken marriage... And we all know what the result of that was.

 

Change EVERYTHING! If nothing changes = nothing changes.

 

Decide what you are changing and make plans to carry those things out - so that you BUILD a completely NEW marriage based on what's real. No pretending! No lies by omission, no half truths.

 

It takes being vulnerable and growth.

 

Is she willing to change everything? Including moving to start new?

[2sunny]

Well, first, my AP was 1200 miles away. The only contact was phone, email, text. (We did have some history from 35 years ago.) Though it got pretty intense and promises were made to each other. The thought of "getting laid" never entered into my head. I was in search of a different life. Not a justification, it was wrong. I hurt my W badly. I saw it, I knew it then and I still know it now. And, over the last 2 1/2 years, she has made off-hand comments about it. She would not let it go at all. ........until now. I guess her A contained some amount of revenge, even though she says it did not.

 

After thinking about some comments here and what I said, I think the same applied back then. As the WS, I had 2 women that wanted me. That did indeed feel good. And losing one.......well I still had one after that. But as the BS, there is isolation, desolation, betrayal, loss of self, desparation, etc. that you don't really feel as the WS -- at least I didn't.

 

As the WS, I felt guilty, ashamed, and remorseful.....and I really felt severe pain for hurting my W. But as we moved forward, I felt better quickly.

 

Now, as the BS, it has been just 2 months (today) since d-day. A lot of the pain in my chest has subsided. There were days that I did not know if I could go on living. Many of you know the pain I am referring to. But, now the worst is just the thoughts of the 2 times that they were together physically. My W did not have to deal with those kind of thoughts because they never happened.

 

In the 22 years I have known my W, she has never been one to talk her feelings......she grew up in a household with an alcoholic mother and a non-affectionate father, who divorced twice. They all kept their feelings to themselves and never talked about anything like that. And, to this day, she will not talk about emotional feelings to anyone. So, it is hard for me to see how her A has effected her.

 

So, maybe the difference, in some cases, is the WS has at least 2 people that want them and they mainly have to struggle with a choice of which one to keep. Then getting over the turmoil is easier because they have what they want at that point. Sure they have to build trust with the one they want and live with the pain that they caused. But the eupohria of they A has probably taken most of the edge off.

 

The BS has to live with the thoughts of what the WS did and deal with all those thoughts minute-by-minute on a daily basis.......feeling alone and "thrown away", discarded as trash....not good enough anymore, replaced...etc. I think there are more emotions to deal with as the BS, and much greater hurt than there is living with what you did as the WS.

 

I don't think the WS feels as bad as the BS......been there, both sides......believe me.

 

I wonder if any female WS's would tell me how they felt after D-day and the days going forward staying in the M?

 

If your W isn't willing to share her feelings at this point - you may never be able to trust again.

 

If your M depends on it - and she won't - you may have your answer. She may no be capable of knowing how she feels = that is her way of "protecting herself" - what she learned as a child... She needs to be willing to LEARN A NEW WAY!

 

If she's not - the one it will hurt the most is YOU.

 

Have you placed a voice activated recorder in her car/purse? Have you checked to see if she may have another phone stashed in her car or work?

 

Is she willing to go to counseling regularly?

 

IF she's not willing to learn and grow then your M isn't bound to recover - its just bound to stay in the status quo without a sense of communication and honesty.

 

IF she's not WILLING to DO anything and EVERYTHING NEW = all you're really left with is your broken M.

 

Find out what she's willing to change!

[reboot]

A very wise poster here once told me that trust is a gift. You either give it or you don't. I believe that. How do you ever decide to trust anyone?

[2sunny]

There's no real way to trust her if she's unwilling to share her feelings with you.

 

There's no way she's trying to help you become happy if she's not an open book. She's leaving you in the dark about half of your relationship ( HER half) hr half of how she feels!

 

There's a lot of power she's hanging onto by not being honest with you.

[mercy]

Obviously, no one can be certain of what any person will or won't do. I believe that she won't ..... and..... she is giving me every available opportunity to check on anything and everything. There is no evidence at all to suggest anything. I feel that we are on the right path.

 

 

In fact, a little unexpected assurance happend Monday night. As we were sitting watching TV, I had been extremely quiet. (I had some bad memories happening that afternoon.) When she asked me what was wrong, I told her the truth - that I unwantedly was remembering what happened....but that I was OK, and not to worry. A few moments later I saw tears streaming down her cheeks. I asked her why she was crying. She said, "Because you're not happy. I really want you to be happy. I want you to know I love you."

 

I guess, to clarify, were there certain "things" that worked well for others?

 

Talking and more talking and more talking. Seriously nothing was off limits for us. I bet I asked a million questions. But I also listened too.

 

His remorse and shame helped, it just felt right, sincere.

 

You are so early on in the journey of healing. Just be kind to yourself and don't think that you should be farther down the path. It takes as long as it takes. There did come a time, though I didn't think it would ever come, but the questions stopped, mine to him. I never felt rushed by him to heal. I held nothing in.

 

It's hard isn't it, to be so happy and close yet so sad inside at moments? Just keep turning to her and be honest about what is on your mind. Truth just feels so good.

 

Did I miss something? Is she not being honest with you?

Edited July 25, 2012 by mercy
wanted to ask

[Spark1111]

They show you their cell phones and their emails before you ask. They give you their passwords and allow you to check anytime you feel the need to.

 

They do not delete their internet history or phone calls or email caches.

 

They offer attending MC and make the appointment. They speak of their feelings, as they sort them out. They show complete transparency about their day and encourage you to call anytime you need to. They pick up the phone immediately.

 

If they work, they invite you to come to their workplace, introduce you to others. If they volunteer, it is the same behavior. They encourage you to participate in any and all aspects of their life, not just when invited, but when you need to.

 

I think it is not only seeing remorse or transparency in the fWS...I think BSs need to see their WS being proactive, not reactive.

 

They should find the books, the blogs, and discuss them with you. Better yet, ask for the two of you to read it together and discuss it.

 

And it is, brick by brick, with the consistency of their actions, that will slowly foster trust over time.

[Ninja'sHusband]

They show you their cell phones and their emails before you ask. They give you their passwords and allow you to check anytime you feel the need to.

 

They do not delete their internet history or phone calls or email caches.

 

They offer attending MC and make the appointment. They speak of their feelings, as they sort them out. They show complete transparency about their day and encourage you to call anytime you need to. They pick up the phone immediately.

 

If they work, they invite you to come to their workplace, introduce you to others. If they volunteer, it is the same behavior. They encourage you to participate in any and all aspects of their life, not just when invited, but when you need to.

 

I think it is not only seeing remorse or transparency in the fWS...I think BSs need to see their WS being proactive, not reactive.

 

They should find the books, the blogs, and discuss them with you. Better yet, ask for the two of you to read it together and discuss it.

 

And it is, brick by brick, with the consistency of their actions, that will slowly foster trust over time.

I've seen accounts of WSs doing this on this forum and the BSs seems to do better. My WS violated pretty much every one of those items. She was completely reactive. The only thing she offered was to go to counseling (where she lied her roo off) and to call me and tell me where she was after class. If those two things didn't satisfy me I was SOL.

[road]

even though we are just a little over 2 months since d-day.

 

I want to trust my W again....I really don't want to keep checking phone, computers, etc. forever. I will certainly do it for a while, no doubt. I won't be blind sided again......though I don't really think that will happen, but I did not think that 21 years ago either.

 

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. You are 2 months past dday. You have not put in the time and the work to rebuild trust.

 

You must verify NC. Keylogger, gps on cell and gps hidden on WW car. Passwords to all of WW accounts including phone.

 

Has WW told you the whole truth about the affair? That is needed as well.

 

Has a NC letter been sent to the OM?

 

Has the OMW been told about the affair?

 

Does the WW with work, hobby, live close to the OM, etc to make NC difficult? All of these things have to be addressed.

 

Once all questions have been answered about the affair then the need to discuss it will lessen until it will disappear. Then along with being able to verify NC will start the rebuilding of trust in the marriage.

 

Recovery is years of work.

[NotCamelot]

Wow, lot's to answer.

 

Yes, I am 99% certain there has been NC. The 1% is her company phone at work. There is no way to know about that one. And, of course, that is the phone line that the calls were on before......BUT, the calls were always done on her two 15 minute breaks....when she used to call me on her cell. Now those breaks are spent on the phone with me...as it used to be.....and SHE makes the calls, I don't call her.

 

I check phone, pc, email, websites visited. She does not use a computer without me able to see exactly what she is doing. She cannot access internet at work. There is not a moment when we are not together......and that I can see every little thing she does. She does not make a call without me next to her. I am confident there is NC.

 

We do talk. I find it hard to ask some things as it is very painful. She has answered most of what I have asked. She has only not answered one question. On the day she and her AP were at a hotel and having sex, she called me at lunch time. I asked her where he was when she called me. She never answered that one.....and got mad that I asked. I will re-vist that again...someday.

 

We ride to and from work together, we go to lunch together. We do everything together.

 

I do know that it is over with her and the AP.

 

I realize it has been a short time, and yes, I would like a fast track....I know that won't happen. I guess I am wishing for advice that would speed things up. I so want to have things back to the way they were.

 

BUT, I do need to say. We are so much closer and kinder now than we have been in years. That is nice. She is not secretive about anything at all.

 

I don't think I really want to know everything. I thought I did. But I think if I knew more, those real thoughts would probably hurt just as bad or more. I think that, for me, as long as we are moving like we are, it is best to handle things the way we are.

 

There are many things she never asked me about the EA I had. I would gladly answer. I have volunteered a lot. Though she usually changes the subject as if she does not want to here.

 

One odd thing is that she asked some questions just recently and I answered truthfully. I still say that there had to be something going on in her mind about what I did that led to her A. I truly believe that she thought I did not love her anymore and in seeking love, her A just happened. I believe that. And that is exactly what she has described.

 

She says that the way I acted/reacted when she was "discovered" proved my love. She said, "if you had not done what you did, I would have been gone". I know that's true. She told me, "I am so glad that we have found each other again. I missed you so much."

 

So while I am not to blame for her turning to someone else, I do feel somewhat complicit in that she did not feel the love I had for her. There had to be something that she was not getting from me. I know for a fact that that was the case when I had the EA.

 

Now that we both have quit working 2 jobs, it is really nice how good things are again. I think that had something to do with it as well. As I go back through her Facebook posts for the last 2 years, there are many that simply say: "Home alone......." I was working......and that included most weekend nights. So, in reality, we only got to be together while sleeping or trying to re-charge on Sunday - too tired to do anything.

 

Sometimes life gets in the way of living.

 

Removing obstacles that kept us apart has helped more than anything. The closeness, affection, intimacy, and just simply being together was missing. And now that we have that back, it feels good to both of us.

 

I just need to get to the point where I can leave the house alone and not worry. I still feel the knife sticking out of my heart at times.

 

I believe when I can trust her, I and we will be better than ever.

[frozensprouts]

I can tell you what my husband and i did to help rebuild trust, but you and your wife will have to find the path that works for you...and be warned, it won't happen over night- it will take a lot of time and patience, but if you both want it enough, you can get there....

 

to start with, we both have each others facebook and email passwords...there is also to be no use of the "private browsing" function nor the deletion of browsing history or clearing of tracking cookie files....we only have one cellphone ( it's pre paid and I have it and it's only for emergency calls). We handle our finances jointly and he sends home hi pay statements and we sit down and reconcile them to our bank statements each month ( we just do this as a part of our budgeting anyway). We only have one credit card and we go over the statement/bill together each month. There are no texts, etc. to worry about...

 

It has taken a long time to trust him again, but it's not because of anything he is/isn't doing to help rebuild it...I think it's just human nature to protect ones self from being hurt again that trust takes so long to earn back...you can get there though, but don't rush it

[GLDheart]

But what happens when life gets in the way again?

 

That is what some of the other posters here are getting at when they say "change"... You need to get deep into why (when things get tough) affairs are the answer.

 

Life WILL get tough again. Everything is cyclical. How will the two of you be different the next time this pattern rolls around?

[NotCamelot]

But what happens when life gets in the way again?

 

That is what some of the other posters here are getting at when they say "change"... You need to get deep into why (when things get tough) affairs are the answer.

 

Life WILL get tough again. Everything is cyclical. How will the two of you be different the next time this pattern rolls around?

 

We have talked about that. I have told her that if the time comes that something is wrong or she does not feel loved, or whatever, to stop me in my tracks, shake me, hit me, do anything it takes to get my attention and let me know. I will do the same with her. Too many times, in the past, we just rolled with the flow and let things continue. That can't happen again.

[jnj express]

You will never fully trust again, you may not wanna hear it, but it comes with the territory---If anything, and I mean anything is out of the ordinary---your antennea will rise immediately

 

You can play parole officer for as long as you want---but in all honesty, if she wants to cheat again she will, and it will be deeply underground, and you won't know it even happened---that's another fact of life with a cheater, who wants to cheat

 

The best thing the 2 of you can do, is have serious 20 to 30 minute talks about everything at least twice a week, just schedule the talks and discuss everything, get it all out, every week------your constant checking, during all times of the day, may make you feel good, but is meaningless if she wants to cheat

 

All you can do is hope for the best, and keep the spice up in your mge---don't let it get boring

 

I don't know if you ever addressed this---was your wife's A., a revenge A., in her mind????