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Torn - end affair, end marriage?


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I ended up having an affair with someone I go to school with. For a couple of years before, I was attracted to him and I fantasized about acting on that attraction... but I never did. One day, I went out for the evening and "ran into him" - knowing deep down that it would end with me cheating. That was three months ago almost. I've spent most of this summer sneaking around, fantasizing, obsessing, and wanting to see him again. I feel like it all started out as sex... but it's morphed into some kind of dependency between the both of us. I wouldn't say we want a relationship with each other or anything like that... but there's definitely some type of codependent UNHEALTHY thing going on.

 

I have been married for 5 years. No children. My husband and I had a long battle with infertility... we were not able to get pregnant. I am back on birth control and we decided to wait. I love my husband. He is a GOOD man. There are many problems in our marriage, but his commitment and love for me are not problems. He is a committed GOOD person.

 

The person I had the affair with is single and the complete opposite of my husband. I think that I am attracted to him because he is "bad news" and because there is no attachment with us - we go out, have fun, have sex, and that's the end of it. I'd like to say that there's a friendship between us, but it is clouded by the fact that we crossed the line and there is now constant sexual tension.

 

My husband knows that I cheated. However, he thinks it was a one-time thing. I don't know why he made this assumption - he never actually asked me if it happened more than once. He actually has not asked me anything about the cheating since I told him. I decided to tell him because my guilt was literally eating me alive. I was going out drinking every night, not eating, etc. I expected him to divorce me. Instead, he almost immediately forgave me and didn't ask any more details about the cheating. IF he had asked, I would not have lied to his face. My therapist has told me not to tell him about the ongoing relationship I have with the other man. She says that it will not be helpful... it will just hurt my husband even more.

 

I say that I don't want to hurt him anymore... yet I continue to cheat. It's an addiction... this irresistible temptation and desire that I am very bad at fighting. I have thought of leaving my husband, but I am too much of a coward to leave. I wouldn't be leaving for a relationship with the other guy... however, I don't want to stop spending time with him just yet.

 

I think the right thing to do is leave... but I'm afraid. IT seems too final, too hurtful to my husband to not give a chance to our marriage.

 

I go to school with the other guy, and I know that I will see him once classes start. Also, I've tried to "break things off" with him a few times... each time, I fail miserably. He ends up texting me, or we meet up, etc. I like it though... I like being pursued, I like feeling attractive.

 

It is totally f-ed up and I Know it, yet I feel like I cannot stop.

 

HELP!!!!!!

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You don't have children, it's best if you divorced your husband.

Even though it will be crushing for your husband but in the long run it will be the best for him. He deserves a loving faithful woman.

 

If you don't love him anymore at least you can respect him enough to let him go.

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I ended up having an affair with someone I go to school with. For a couple of years before, I was attracted to him and I fantasized about acting on that attraction... but I never did. One day, I went out for the evening and "ran into him" - knowing deep down that it would end with me cheating. That was three months ago almost. I've spent most of this summer sneaking around, fantasizing, obsessing, and wanting to see him again. I feel like it all started out as sex... but it's morphed into some kind of dependency between the both of us. I wouldn't say we want a relationship with each other or anything like that... but there's definitely some type of codependent UNHEALTHY thing going on.

 

I have been married for 5 years. No children. My husband and I had a long battle with infertility... we were not able to get pregnant. I am back on birth control and we decided to wait. I love my husband. He is a GOOD man. There are many problems in our marriage, but his commitment and love for me are not problems. He is a committed GOOD person.

 

The person I had the affair with is single and the complete opposite of my husband. I think that I am attracted to him because he is "bad news" and because there is no attachment with us - we go out, have fun, have sex, and that's the end of it. I'd like to say that there's a friendship between us, but it is clouded by the fact that we crossed the line and there is now constant sexual tension.

 

My husband knows that I cheated. However, he thinks it was a one-time thing. I don't know why he made this assumption - he never actually asked me if it happened more than once. He actually has not asked me anything about the cheating since I told him. I decided to tell him because my guilt was literally eating me alive. I was going out drinking every night, not eating, etc. I expected him to divorce me. Instead, he almost immediately forgave me and didn't ask any more details about the cheating. IF he had asked, I would not have lied to his face. My therapist has told me not to tell him about the ongoing relationship I have with the other man. She says that it will not be helpful... it will just hurt my husband even more.

 

I say that I don't want to hurt him anymore... yet I continue to cheat. It's an addiction... this irresistible temptation and desire that I am very bad at fighting. I have thought of leaving my husband, but I am too much of a coward to leave. I wouldn't be leaving for a relationship with the other guy... however, I don't want to stop spending time with him just yet.

 

I think the right thing to do is leave... but I'm afraid. IT seems too final, too hurtful to my husband to not give a chance to our marriage.

 

I go to school with the other guy, and I know that I will see him once classes start. Also, I've tried to "break things off" with him a few times... each time, I fail miserably. He ends up texting me, or we meet up, etc. I like it though... I like being pursued, I like feeling attractive.

 

It is totally f-ed up and I Know it, yet I feel like I cannot stop.

 

HELP!!!!!!

 

I don't see much here that points to you staying married. A satisfying marriage usually requires intimacy and there can't be any true intimacy while your husband believes one reality about you and you know a completely different reality. Not sure why your therapist doesn't want you to talk, but maybe she knows you are not capable of intimacy at this time, or maybe she herself is afraid of intimacy and it clouds her judgement, or maybe something else. In any case, you are responsible for the life you live, not your therapist, and you have chosen to put a wedge between you and your H and I don't see much desire on your part to take it out. So, what is keeping you from divorcing?

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alexandria35

Your therapist is an idiot and does not respect or care about your marriage. How can you have any respect for a therapist that encourages one spouse to lie and deceive the other spouse? Of course telling him would hurt him. Duh!! You need a therapist to tell you that? It also would let him know the truth about his marriage and his life which he has a right to have. So if your therapist thinks it's just dandy to gaslight and betray your husband this way is she all cool with your ongoing affair too? Is she encouraging to at least end the affair or end your marriage? Or is she enjoying watching you be a selfish cake eater at your husbands expense? A lot of mental cases and nutjobs are attracted the mental health profession. Lots of counsellors and therapists are more f**ked up than their patients and you have to be very careful about you choose to help you.

 

Tell your husband about your ongoing affair. There will be a fallout and lots of pain but it should help you get a grasp on what it is you really want to do and it will free your husband from the dark cloud of deception that is hanging over his life right now.

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Betrayed&Stayed
My husband knows that I cheated. However, he thinks it was a one-time thing. I don't know why he made this assumption - he never actually asked me if it happened more than once. He actually has not asked me anything about the cheating since I told him.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

My therapist has told me not to tell him about the ongoing relationship I have with the other man. She says that it will not be helpful... it will just hurt my husband even more.

 

As far as your husband's reaction: my guess is he is still in denial. When my wife told me about her affair I immediately thought ONS because that was the easiest type to accept. I was in denial that my wife was capable of a full-blown affair. Of course I asked questions that quickly eliminated the ONS assumption. The fact that he doesn't ask questions is puzzling; that is not normal behavior.

 

As far as your counselor: To tell the full truth is your choice, not your counselor's. I strongly disagree with her position. There are several posts here about telling versus not telling. I'm 100% in favor of full disclosure.

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I have been married for 5 years. No children.

 

Then thats makes it all the more easier. Divorce your husband. He deserves better.

 

Like Johnny Depp said, "If you are in love with 2 people, pick the second one. Because you didn't love the first one enough."

 

 

My husband and I had a long battle with infertility... we were not able to get pregnant. I am back on birth control and we decided to wait. I love my husband. He is a GOOD man. There are many problems in our marriage, but his commitment and love for me are not problems. He is a committed GOOD person.

 

And he needs someone who knows what commitment is.

 

 

My husband knows that I cheated. However, he thinks it was a one-time thing. I don't know why he made this assumption - he never actually asked me if it happened more than once. He actually has not asked me anything about the cheating since I told him.

 

He is probably scared of the idea of divorce. However if he knew the truth, he might just change his mind, or at the very least, get angry. And he needs to get angry about this otherwise you will end up walking all over him, more so than you already have.

 

 

I decided to tell him because my guilt was literally eating me alive. I was going out drinking every night, not eating, etc. I expected him to divorce me. Instead, he almost immediately forgave me and didn't ask any more details about the cheating. IF he had asked, I would not have lied to his face. My therapist has told me not to tell him about the ongoing relationship

I have with the other man. She says that it will not be helpful... it will just hurt my husband even more.

 

Your therapist is a hack. SHE knows not the first thing about an honest relationship.

 

 

I go to school with the other guy, and I know that I will see him once classes start. Also, I've tried to "break things off" with him a few times... each time, I fail miserably. He ends up texting me, or we meet up, etc. I like it though... I like being pursued, I like feeling attractive.

 

Then marriage is not for you. It is not for the immature.

 

How about this, tell your husband, and let him know who this other guy is and that he is texting you when you try to break it off. Then maybe the threat of breaking something off just might put the kibosh on things.

 

It is totally f-ed up and I Know it, yet I feel like I cannot stop.

 

HELP!!!!!!

 

Help what? You want to give your marriage a chance, but not until you have had your fill of this other man??

 

You want help? Then here it is. Tell your husband EVERYTHING! I don't give a rats ass if you aren't ready to give up the other man yet. You tell him.

 

Its simple, if you respect your husband, you will tell him.

 

If you don't respect him, you'll keep screwing this other man behind his back because you are too weak to stop.

 

But really, and your husband doesn't know it, but setting him free from you will be the best thing for him. He won't want to see it right now, but he also doesn't know how you REALLY are.

 

An honest, faithful man deserves an honest faithful women. And that isn't you. So sit him down and be honest with him....for once.

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First off, fire the therapist. She isn't giving you sound advice if she is telling you to continue to lie to your husband. Your husband deserves to know the truth, and without the truth, there can be no marriage bond. Of course the information will be hard for your husband to hear, but he still has a right to know. It's his life that is affected by this, and to keep him in a fake marriage under false pretenses is incredibly cruel. If you want to be able to bang some other dude, then do so as a divorced/separated person. Don't hold your husband as an unknowing hostage to this trip you are on. You obviously do not have what it takes to be married, and it's time you accepted that and planned accordingly, rather than pretend to be something you are not.

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dreamingoftigers
Nope, not normal at all. He's way too indifferent - immediate forgiveness and no questions? Big, HUGE red flag.

 

I would guess her husband is cheating on her.

 

I thought the same thing right away!

 

Seriously what guy just brushes that off with no concern.

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I thought the same thing right away!

 

Seriously what guy just brushes that off with no concern.

 

Why does he have to be having an affair of his own?

 

Maybe he's busy getting his ducks in a row... quietly lining things up just right. Maybe he's been milking the properties of all of thier value and hiding the cash somewhere in a box in the ground. Maybe his private investigator is gathering evidence if it is ever to be needed.

 

A smart man would see how worthless this women is and begin his preparations remorselessly. She deserves nothing less.

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Sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants. I am glad you did confess to the one time cheating. I just hope you tell him that this cheating has been going on for three months.

 

How often do you and this affair partner meet up for sex/how many times do you guys have sex?

 

Tell your husband that you want a divorce and let him go his way. He might be hurt but it is for the best in the long run. He has treated you right and does not deserve this.

 

You are not a bad person but you are handling this wrong. Divorce or end the affair.

 

Also, is your husband paying for your education? Do not take anything you do not deserve during the divorce especially since it seems you are not working and your husband is paying for everything.

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Ninja'sHusband

Tell your husband, let him know the truth so he can decide what he wants to do.

 

If he knows to be vigilant you will be much less likely to cheat as well, or he will catch you easier.

 

He may catch you anyway, and it will be be sooo much worse then. Imagine if he finds out some other way? That will be reaaaalllly bad.

 

TBH, this thread makes my vision go all red :mad:

 

 

Oh and I think you should tell whether you divorce or not. If you try to reconcile, be ready for YEARS of recovery. It's gonna be hell.

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Take it from one who enjoys married women, you are being played.

 

But, you already know that. I think you are one of those women who like being used. So once, this game is over, you will find another

 

Divorce your husband, he sounds like he is a good guy, and probably would be a great father. There aren't enough good fathers in this world.

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the "right thing" for him(divorce); or the "right thing" for you, which is pursuing your love interest?

 

either way, your husband deserves waaay better than what he ended up with.

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Frankly, I think you need 2 end your marriage AND your affair.

 

First thing 2 do, though is fire that fool of a counselor! Why waste money on someone who won't help you do the one thing that will end this si2ation 2 everyone's betterment?

 

TELL THE TRUTH. And let your H decide.

 

If he still wants 2 stay with you, however, you need to be prepared 2 go "no contact" with the OM for life. That includes not going 2 school with him anymore. If you have 2 change schools 2 accomplish that, then that's what you need 2 do.

 

But really, you have no kids and you're young enough 2 still be in school. Divorce, and let him find someone who understands what love really is about.

 

-ol' 2long

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Plan 9 from OS

I feel sorry for your husband on 2 fronts. First, you are engaging in the ultimate betrayal that can ever be done to a spouse. Second, most likely he is contributing if not outright paying for your education. If you had any conscience at all you wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

 

However..."all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God" I believe completely that everyone needs and deserves to be forgiven. It doesn't mean that I advocate that your husband give you a second chance (I do not in the least), but you do deserve to forgive yourself at some point if you can figure out why you are doing this to your husband. Ideally, you will find redemption and become a fantastic wife to someone else after you fix your own problems.

 

I will say this. If you are morals and truly feel regret for what you did to your husband, you will do the following:

 

1) Divorce him and have the courage to refuse any attempts he may want to make for reconciliation. In this case, save him from himself please.

 

2) Either pay him back every single penny he spent on your education or make the division of the assets in your divorce equitable enough so that it balances out the money you "stole" from him for your education.

 

3) Get the help you need to fix yourself once and for all so that you don't do this again to any other poor unsuspecting soul.

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whichwayisup
IF he had asked, I would not have lied to his face. My therapist has told me not to tell him about the ongoing relationship I have with the other man. She says that it will not be helpful... it will just hurt my husband even more.

 

Of course your therapist is going to tell you this because you pay her to help you. Not your husband, not your marriage, just you.

A marriage counsellor would tell you TELL your husband because he deserves to know the truth, the FULL truth of your affair. Not allow him to think it was a one time thing.

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Hi, Wow, I can't believe some of the responses on here. Speaking as someone who is having an affair, I don't think you're a terrible person. There are lots of motivations people have for going outside their marriage. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband.

 

Good luck to you as you figure out your next step.

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Hi, Wow, I can't believe some of the responses on here. Speaking as someone who is having an affair, I don't think you're a terrible person. There are lots of motivations people have for going outside their marriage. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband.

 

Good luck to you as you figure out your next step.

 

Yes, it does mean she doesn't love her husband. At least to a BS who has never been a WS.

 

I'm not a religious man but I find many bible passages quite beautiful. How about this one:

 

"Love is patient and kind. Love knows neither envy nor jealousy. Love is not forward and self-assertive, nor boastful and conceited."

 

I don't think love is lying to and cheating on your spouse, and I don't feel like I'm going out on a limb with this opinion.

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.. There are lots of motivations people have for going outside their marriage. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband..

 

 

You sound like a batterer justifying beating his wife. "Honey I smashed your face in BECAUSE I love you! It's really the best for both of us this way."

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Speaking as someone who is having an affair, I don't think you're a terrible person.

 

That's profound. As in, profoundly sad.

 

It seems to me many people's definition of a 'bad person' is someone like the nutcase shooter in Colorado. He's not just a bad person, he's taken it farther to become a murdering lunatic and that serves to raise the bar, doesn't it? "I'm nowhere near as bad that that!" we might say to comfort and console ourselves. Can we now all see how evil justifies evil?

 

To be sure, most all of the justifications a cheater uses are shared by people who abuse, steal, even murder. Not everyone is all bad, nor is anyone all good. To cheat, deceive, break promises or any manner of self-serving at the expense of someone else is bad behavior. But to continue in it, all the while knowing, is the definition of a bad person.

 

A bad person does bad things and doesn't care enough to change. Like you OP, and you cmc. Can you change? Will you change? That's the question.

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Hey Torn,

 

What do you want? Write down what you want, not more than three things and dedicate your life to accomplishing those things. It sounds like you are sailing without a rudder just being blown by the wind. Somewhere someone needs to take the helm before you take yourself and the people that you love over the cliff with you.

 

Your h may be in denial. This little thing that you told him could just boil up twenty years from now. Read the other posts here - quite common for a man to suddenly remember something right when he hits 45-50. Then you get to lie you way out of a years long affair.

 

Keep focus on your education... you may need a good career so you can support yourself.

 

If love would be one of your goals, then study up on that too. It can be done. Not that I would know anything about it but I have seen other people do it!

 

-Jonah

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