It's 30 Years Later, BUT...........

[LongIslander]

My wife had an affair with a co-worker nearly 30 years ago. She always told me it was one time only and she had no feelings for him, although I have recollections from that time, based on her behavior as well as things she said, that lead me to believe otherwise on both counts.

 

In the last thirty years, we raised two wonderful children and have been very happy.

 

However, a month ago I saw that she looked him up on the internet and found his address and phone number - however she has not contacted him.

 

She says this meant nothing, it was just "curiousity."

 

It pains me but this makes me believe that I was right all these years, that it proves she did have feelings for him and that they slept together for months or a year or longer. This lead me to question the foundation of our marriage over the last 30 years. Did she learn to forget him and merely settle back in with me?

 

She told me about the affair 5 years after it happened, and when asked if she was in love with him, at that time she replied "I thought I was" - but now she says she said this only to get even with me (after I admitted to an encounter, no affair though). Also when he left the country she was weepy that entire day and when pressed why she was so upset she said she felt like she "was losing her best friend." She said things "would be rough for awhile." She now says she was so upset because she felt so guilty about what she had done. For thirty years I believed those words meant she was in love with him.

 

These things always led me to believe she was in love with him and slept with him for an extended period of time. And now that she has looked him up on the internet after all these years, WHAT WOULD YOU BELIEVE? THAT IT WAS A ONE TIME THING AND SHE HAD NO FEELINGS FOR HIM OR SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SLEPT WITH HIM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME?

[Athena]

 

These things always led me to believe she was in love with him and slept with him for an extended period of time. And now that she has looked him up on the internet after all these years, WHAT WOULD YOU BELIEVE? THAT IT WAS A ONE TIME THING AND SHE HAD NO FEELINGS FOR HIM OR SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SLEPT WITH HIM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME?

 

Well, thirty years ago a married woman who slept with a man would likely HAVE been in love with him, yes.

As to whether she had slept with him for an extended time or not? I don't know -- maybe they had an 'emotional affair' and after he sexed her one time, HE walked away from her? Men in that day and age would have seen that as a victory, whereas she had used her feelings for him as an 'excuse' to have sex with him finally.

 

Regardless, the question to ask is WHY NOW? What in your wife's life is causing her to NOW search for him?

Is she feeling the same kind of restlessness in her life right now, that she felt way back then, when she gave herself permission to seek something outside of her marriage? She needs to tackle her own emotions now, first, and not go the easy route of finding an outside distraction.

 

And no, I don't think the past thirty years was a sham for you and her -- I think you are just married to a person who has a poor coping mechanism, and it is by no means YOUR fault that she chooses this other man each time.

 

I don't think you need to take this personally, I think you need to help her question herself.

[LongIslander]

She hasn't tried to contact him because I found the evidence of her googling him right away. There was no time for her to do it and no evidence of it on her call history.

[LongIslander]

Why must it have been love because it was 30 years ago? She swears it wasn't.

I can not bear it if it was.

Edited July 14, 2012 by LongIslander
Typos

[Athena]

I just think that women were taught back in the day to love the man they had sex with... whereas today it is more acceptable that young women have sex just for having sex's sake.

 

Having an emotional affair would lead up to having sex with him. I just don't see why your wife would, out of the blue, decide to have sex with some dude.

Tell me, what were the circumstances of their relationship? Did they work together? How long did they possibly know each other before the sex took place? How much time did they spend together before and after the affair?

 

Also, while it is quite possible that at that time she felt she was falling in love with him, I think once he left the country and she admitted her affair to you, the 'affair fog' naturally lifts, and without sustained incoming love/affection/ communication/ sex, the "feeling of being in love" dies off quickly, which could explain why she could say she didn't Really love him.

 

I think you need to understand that she did not spend the last thirty years feeling like she loved him... no way... I don't get that from your outline at all. But I DO think it's possible and likely that she had a whirlwind romance, where she felt strong, heady, giddy feelings for him, allowed herself to think she was 'falling in love' and had sex with him. Once. Yeah, it's quite possible it was only once. It's quite possible she mistook those crazy hormonal highs to feel like she was falling in love, but there is no way it could have compared to loving the man she was married to, for over thirty years!

I don't think you need to torture yourself with worry over whether she 'loved' him or not.

I would hazard a guess that the answer would be 'no' not the same way she loves you.

Does that help?

 

I do think you need to have more conversations with her about this though.

 

And I do think you need to give the background to the affair.... so we can guess as to whether she had enough time to cultivate feelings of love for him, or not.

[Radu]

She hasn't tried to contact him because I found the evidence of her googling him right away. There was no time for her to do it and no evidence of it on her call history.

 

I don't think you should have told her you saw it.

I think you should have given her rope and see if she hangs herself with.

 

That way you would not have had this uncertainty.

[LongIslander]

Yes not even a one night stand, less even, quick oral sex only. Not someone I knew not ever contacted after. When I told her about it out of guilt that's when she told me about her affair - revenge. She was always in control, deciding to have affair, keep it from, tell me when it suited her purpose of revenge, and then telling me only what she wants me to know.

[LongIslander]

She was having an emotional close friend type relationship with him leading up to the sex, at least 9 months to a year. He had asked her several times to have sex, she said no, continued the friendship, then finally said yes to sex, she claims once.

I can't even bear the notion of hormonal high feelings if romance by her for him, it is tearing me apart. She says she would remember if she had had feelings for him like she remembers crushes she had before we got married and she claims she has no such memories of him.

[Athena]

She was having an emotional close friend type relationship with him leading up to the sex, at least 9 months to a year. He had asked her several times to have sex, she said no, continued the friendship, then finally said yes to sex, she claims once.

I can't even bear the notion of hormonal high feelings if romance by her for him, it is tearing me apart. She says she would remember if she had had feelings for him like she remembers crushes she had before we got married and she claims she has no such memories of him.

 

Well then, there is your answer!!! She doesn't remember feeling anything special for him.

 

BTW, why don't you test her? Admit to her that you felt feelings of love for some person, and see if she doesn't retaliate with feelings of love for that affair partner of hers?

You can write down on a piece of paper that you are testing her with a fake admittance, and give her that directly after the conversation if it turns ugly and she doesn't believe you fabricated it.... tell her you thought she might tell the truth if you 'revealed' something similar.

 

I don't know if that's a good idea, but since you are being eaten up by the thought she may have loved him and all this time as well, and since she won't reveal her true thoughts unless to her advantage and power play, then it may help you to use a ploy.

As long as you immediately confess you made it up to see how she would react.

 

How else will you ever find out?

[LongIslander]

Yes she says now she doesn't remember having feelings for him but my fear is she is saying that only because there's no incentive for her to say otherwise. It's hard for me to accept her word for it in the face of all my recollections, ie her having said "she thought she was", her weepiness when he left and "things will be rough for awhile" all capped by her looking him up now so long after it happened.

[LongIslander]

Her affair preceded my encounter.

I am seeing a therapist.

[Athena]

Yes not even a one night stand, less even, quick oral sex only. Not someone I knew not ever contacted after. When I told her about it out of guilt that's when she told me about her affair - revenge. She was always in control, deciding to have affair, keep it from, tell me when it suited her purpose of revenge, and then telling me only what she wants me to know.

 

Your interpretation of why she told you about her affair is strange. How come you don't interpret her revelation as a 'coming clean', and a relief for her to finally be able to tell you the truth?

Why didn't you see it as: You made the initiative to draw closer to her and admit to your wrongdoing, apologize, and ask for forgiveness, so she took advantage of the situation to do the same, and to draw closer to you.

 

My guess is at the time, you somehow sensed her pulling away from you (since she was emotionally invested in a close, intimate, secret relationship with another man) and this caused you to question yourself, your guilt at having cheated on her, and coming clean to her in an attempt to pull her back to you.

 

It is worrisome to see that you interpreted her confession as a power ploy. Has she done this type of thing before, or since that time? Is that part of her character?

 

At the time, why did she say they didn't have sex again (did she admit the affair right then?).

Also, why did the OM leave the country? Did he leave soon after they had sex? Is that why she gave in to him finally, because he was about to leave forever and it was her last chance to try it out?

[LongIslander]

She told me she told me as revenge. Her words.

[LongIslander]

I also asked her if it was "goodbye" sex. No clear answer.

[Athena]

She only told you five years after she had sex with him -- did they continue to work together for those five years?

It's not clear in the timeline when her OM left the country... right after they had sex, or five years later when she told you about it. Since you were aware of her weepiness when he left the country, I am assuming he left the country after she admitted to the affair. Which makes it possible that they may have continued the affair for the five years prior?

 

Of course there's a lot of lying when it comes to affairs. I'm just wondering if her relationship with him was only nine or so months, or possibly continued for another five years after that?

 

Also, another poster stated having sexed men thirty years ago without feelings for them, however your wife appears to have had an emotional relationship with this OM before the sex took place. Which then makes it highly possible that she had feelings for him. It wasn't a casual sexual encounter. It was a secret relationship.

[LongIslander]

He left the country several months after the sex, they were coworkers and saw each other frequently but she claims the sex was once. The relationship existed for 9 months before the sex, and according to her continued without the sex for months after that. Then he left the country. He returned 3 years later, called my wife, asked to get together, but she didn't.

[Athena]

He left the country several months after the sex, they were coworkers and saw each other frequently but she claims the sex was once. The relationship existed for 9 months before the sex, and according to her continued without the sex for months after that. Then he left the country. He returned 3 years later, called my wife, asked to get together, but she didn't.

 

Well, it's safe to assume she had SOME FEELINGS for him since she was crying about him being her best friend and things wouldn't be the same without him there (in her life).

 

It's also very possible that she only had sex with him once.

 

Now, you knew that she sexed him once, and you knew he was special to her as a friend, so can you live with that now? The only thing that has changed is that she has googled him recently.

That doesn't mean she loved him more than you, or missed him all these years, or that she had lied about sexing him once... it just means that she looked him up now.

You are torturing yourself by wondering what IT REALLY MEANS, when in reality nothing has changed.

 

I've googled people out of curiosity too. It's possible even though she once had feelings for him, and once had sex with him, that she only looked him up now out of idle curiosity.... yeah... who knows, if he was back in the country and she contacted him, who knows what that might lead to? You nipped it in the bud.

 

Now tell her very clearly you do not want her to contact him again.

 

Tell her what you will do if she does contact him behind your back, so she knows what she stands to lose (even if it is only your trust).

 

And quit torturing yourself.

What is history is history, just make sure that it doesn't repeat itself.

[Lovesmart]

BTW, why don't you test her? Admit to her that you felt feelings of love for some person, and see if she doesn't retaliate with feelings of love for that affair partner of hers?

This is bad advice. Trickery and lying have no place in a marriage. She may say something untrue to hurt him back. And the beat goes on.

[Athena]

When I told her about it out of guilt that's when she told me about her affair - revenge. She was always in control, deciding to have affair, keep it from, tell me when it suited her purpose of revenge, and then telling me only what she wants me to know.

 

This is bad advice. Trickery and lying have no place in a marriage. She may say something untrue to hurt him back. And the beat goes on.

 

Yup, bad idea.

 

I just wonder why he interprets her admission as a power ploy, and not as a confession to try improve their marriage, so I wonder if she has that in her character, and if she may respond truthfully only to a ploy. I don't know if her character includes trickery and lying, but he appears to think so.

[Jonah]

He left the country several months after the sex, they were coworkers and saw each other frequently but she claims the sex was once. The relationship existed for 9 months before the sex, and according to her continued without the sex for months after that. Then he left the country. He returned 3 years later, called my wife, asked to get together, but she didn't.

 

She is shielding you from part of the hurt with little white lies. She is obviously have strong enough feelings for him now to go to the trouble of looking him up, so surly she has had feelings for him all along.

 

You blew it too dude, thus you have no defense. If you love her it would be worth a try to try and patch it. Half measures won't work. Let her know that you intend on standing strong for her until trust and security can be realized.

 

Much drama. Sorry to read of your hurt man. It will be hard for you block out dark thoughts in the dead of night.

[GLDheart]

It matters much less what she did in the past compared to what she is doing now. Looking him up means she is thinking of him. Thinking of him means she is missing him. Missing him means she feels something lacking in her life right now...

 

Are things getting a bit boring around the house lately? You may have just stumbled onto the warning signs many of us simply don't get the chance to see. Count yourself lucky and get to the bottom of this ASAP.

[GLDheart]

...she claims the sex was once...

 

I call mega BS on this one. If the sex was good, She did it more than once. If the sex was bad, she wouldn't have lingering feelings for this guy.

[LongIslander]

She now claims not remember saying those things about weeping and losing best friend, things rough for awhile, etc. She speculates she may have been weepy because she felt so guilty about what she had done. Hard for me to believe her.

Edited July 14, 2012 by LongIslander

[Athena]

She now claims not remember saying those things about weeping and losing best friend, things rough for awhile, etc. She speculates she may have been weepy because she felt so guilty about what she had done. Hard for me to believe her.

 

She's simply forgotten. You, on the other hand, have not, because it meant that much to you and you were emotionally wounded.... she appears to have moved on, so let her.

[GLDheart]

Forgetting lies told 30 years ago sounds pretty normal. That pretty much confirms that she was lying. If it was truth, she'd remember it. Now 30 years later she doesn't remember what she told you as "her version of the truth". That is why she will avoid talking about it. She will instead say stuff like "GOD! That was 30 YEARS AGO! GET OVER IT ALREADY!"... and "I don't remember the details of where we were..." "...how many times we kissed..." "...who said what when..."

 

I can promise you that she DOES remember what happened... She just doesn't remember what she told you happened.