frozensprouts Posted June 26, 2012 Share Posted June 26, 2012 a question for former wayward spouses... now that the affair has ended, how do you feel about your affair partner? Do you think of them at all, or have you tried to forget them? if some time has gone by since your affair ended, do you feel that time has changed your view? ( I'm not asking because i want to attack or make fun of former wayward spouses...so please don't do that. i'm asking because maybe it will help someone to know how a wayward spouse may feel after an affair ends)... \I know I asked my husband about a year after his affair ended if he still thought about her sometimes. he told me no, and seemed really surprised that i would think that. I know he felt bad that I was worried. a question for former betrayed spouses.... have you ever wondered if your former wayward spouse still thinks about their former other man/woman? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 I wonder if she is still with him. Link to post Share on other sites
PuntserVA Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Obviously one of the great injuries of an A is the breakdown of trust. I guess the real question is: how do you get to a point in a repaired marriage where not only the WS isn't thinking about the AP, but the BS isn't thinking about the WS thinking about the AP either. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 a question for former betrayed spouses.... have you ever wondered if your former wayward spouse still thinks about their former other man/woman? Of course! Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Obviously one of the great injuries of an A is the breakdown of trust. I guess the real question is: how do you get to a point in a repaired marriage where not only the WS isn't thinking about the AP, but the BS isn't thinking about the WS thinking about the AP either. that is an excellent point and question... no matter how much effort the wayward spouse puts into rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship, perhaps the only real remedy is time, and allowing the betrayed spouse to talk about their feelings and fears. I don't know about others, but for myself, it's not always easy to talk about it, and some of the feelings are kind of nebulous and not easy to put into words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Yup, when I am constipated and need an enema. very funny! Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 I wonder if she is still with him. I suppose that's to be expected. you had a long relationship with her... sometimes i think it would be nice if one could simply will themselves to "turn off" hurtful emotions, but maybe we need to feel them to heal, even tough it's painful to have those thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Author frozensprouts Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 Of course! (please forgive me for asking, but I can't remember if you said this or not) before divorce became your best option, was there ever a time when she tried to convince you that she didn't think of he other man anymore? Is a wayward spouse hiding that from a betrayed spouse part of "trickle truthing" ( I know it's weird, but every time I hear that term, I think of the "trickle field" that's at the outflow of a septic tank:laugh:)? It would be painful to know that your spouse still sometimes thinks of the other man/woman, but is it important to be open and honest about it, even though it really hurts, and may be hard for the wayward spouse to admit? I would say it is important, as talking about it may help to move past it ( in the case of a couple who stays together) in a couple that divorces, the betrayed may never know what goes on in the mind of heir former spouse. Does this make dealing with the fact that an affair happened even harder, as one may have a lot of questions that will never be answered? Are there any questions that you have that you'd still like to have answers to, or have you reached a point where it doesn't matter so much anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Unless I am here, I never think of her. I didn't stumble on LS until over a decade after the affair. We live states away, and have full lives. But, I find LS interesting during work when it is slow! My wife knows, and has for years, the minutia of the affair. If there were any details I had forgotten or neglected, they came out during OWs trial for the permanent R.O. What do I think of her? I think she is psychotic. I have a hard time feeling anything but disgust and pity for someone with that deep of a psychosis! Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Hi Frozen, It's been almost three years seen I've seen or communicated with xOM. At first I thought about him a lot, but that dwindled over time, after d-day, and after introspection and perspective. Now I only think of him when I have triggers...for example, the person replacing me at my job has the same first name as xOM. That was really awkward at first for me, to have to say this name in conversation to people. As soon as I found out she was hired, I told my H, hey, just so you know...this name is the same. Luckily I'm leaving that job in a couple of weeks so it's not a long term situation. And even when he does pop in my head, it's pretty brief. Thinking of him doesn't represent any romantic or positive memories for me, no rainbows or unicorns, just hurt and sadness at what I did. So when he does happen to arrive in my thoughts, I change the channel. I have much better things to think about right now...like my H and my upcoming little one! B Link to post Share on other sites
PuntserVA Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Bittersweetie -- did you decide to go NC at D-day? Did your xOM think NC was right as well? Do you ever wish you could be friends with your xOM? And congrats on the upcoming baby! Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Is a wayward spouse hiding that from a betrayed spouse part of "trickle truthing" ( I know it's weird, but every time I hear that term, I think of the "trickle field" that's at the outflow of a septic tank:laugh:)? I love this...I think it is the same thing, actually. Trickle truth...trickle field...yucky spillage from a nasty place! Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Our situation is different from most affairs in that all of my H's OW were just single f*** buddies. This all occured during the early years of our marriage. My H was very immature, selfish, and very impulse oriented. He acted out without giving any thought to the consequences. We are many years past d-day and are successfully reconciled. Today my H will tell you that he thinks all of the OW's thought processes were exactly like his.(see above paragraph) I hope they all have grown and matured into people who are now aware of how their actions affect the lives of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 28, 2012 Share Posted June 28, 2012 Bittersweetie -- did you decide to go NC at D-day? Did your xOM think NC was right as well? Do you ever wish you could be friends with your xOM? And congrats on the upcoming baby! Actually NC started three months before d-day when xOM decided to end things and just stopped talking to me. So when d-day happened there was no back and forth, NC was already in progress. I did think of xOM a lot after d-day time, I realized as an escape of the mess I had made of things. Once I realized that I was able to cut down on thinking of him. And thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
ageofaquarius Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 It's been almost two years and the only time I think about him is when I run into him professionally and I try to reconstruct the reasons behind why I got involved so that I will never go down that path again and cause as much hurt and pain for everyone (including myself) that I did. It's been important for me to dig deep and figure out why, after 20+ years of a faithful marriage, did I have an A and with that particular person. Other than that, I don't think of him at all--thank goodness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 AofA, Good for you! I responded to your other thread with some of my personal life experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
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