She confesses

[coza]

Hi all. Im new to this forum and came across it at about 04:00am this morning after my wife of 7 years confessed to having a fling with a co-worker (Actually, her boss).

 

for a bit of history,... I started a new business about 3 years ago. as with any new business (especially during the latest global recession), most entrepneurs find that they would be working 20 hour days / 7 days a week. this obviously caused serious problems in our marriage initially and after some counselling and openess with one another, we worked through our issues and my wife truely became a women with an immense amount of understanding to my long days. to give back, I made commitments to never work on weekends but could work at times through the night during the week... this way I could always give my family some much required TLC and at the same time give the necessary time to my business.

 

In fairness, she has been great. over the last year, she started studying again as she is an ambitious women and a little career driven after having two children, she wanted to contribute more to the household instead of me working to the bone to bring in the money. during her classes and studying, I would assume the sole house-keeper and child carer role and put my work on the back-burner a bit. to be honest, it was the best thing that could ever have happened.. i found that I was more involved with my 2 beautiful children and actually started to having meaningful conversations with them about their day and so forth. Everything was humming along nicely... occassionally, my wife would moan a bit about me working too much and I would make a concious decision to stop what i was doing and spend some time just chatting with her.

To my surprise, yesterday she receives a call from her boss's wife... we are both a bit perplexed about it but nothing suspicous. the wife pitches up at our house and my wife hops into the car and chats for an hour... she then comes in the house and says "I have something to tell you... I haven't been entirely honest with you...".

she then tells me that she has been flirting with her boss for the last 6 months and his wife suspects that they are having an affair. very taken aback about this "sudden" pounce of confessions.. i almost turn to her to say that has the OM's W lost her marbles... i just simply can not believe it. the OM W then tells me that emails suggest that they were having sexually orrientated email corrospondence and that they had kissed... my wife admits to this and also admits that the flirting has actually been going on for 2 years but no sexual encounters have taken place. she tells me that the kissing incident happend over 12 months ago and that her boss had initiated it and she briefly responded but pulled away.

She goes further to say that at that time (which would be around the time that we were having problems in our marriage) she felt deserted and depressed and her boss had offered a lending ear and her Boss was also experiencing marriage problems and so they supported one another by listening to each other... even though she insists that nothing physical has happened since that time, she still txt or emailed suggestively but supposedly never went further than that.

to be fair to her boss, I know him well enough to now that he is actually a good man.

after talking almost through the night, my wife definitley seems to be sincere when she says that she is extremely regrettful over everything and wishes to make things work between us.

 

I dont know if i can trust her and as the hours tick by, I become more and more resentful over what has happened. I just feel that perhaps we need some time apart... perhaps i move out but remain at home unitl the kids go to bed at night and be here prior to them waking so that they dont have any suspicions... just until I can make a decision on what to do next...

 

Is this the entirely wrong way to go about this or should I stay in the home and try work things out. Im concerned that by staying in the house, I will not get the "me time" to try analyze everything and make a non-pressured decision on how to move forward.

 

Anyone with some suggestions on your own or similar experiences would be very much appreciated.

[2sunny]

Hi all. Im new to this forum and came across it at about 04:00am this morning after my wife of 7 years confessed to having a fling with a co-worker (Actually, her boss).

 

for a bit of history,... I started a new business about 3 years ago. as with any new business (especially during the latest global recession), most entrepneurs find that they would be working 20 hour days / 7 days a week. this obviously caused serious problems in our marriage initially and after some counselling and openess with one another, we worked through our issues and my wife truely became a women with an immense amount of understanding to my long days. to give back, I made commitments to never work on weekends but could work at times through the night during the week... this way I could always give my family some much required TLC and at the same time give the necessary time to my business.

 

In fairness, she has been great. over the last year, she started studying again as she is an ambitious women and a little career driven after having two children, she wanted to contribute more to the household instead of me working to the bone to bring in the money. during her classes and studying, I would assume the sole house-keeper and child carer role and put my work on the back-burner a bit. to be honest, it was the best thing that could ever have happened.. i found that I was more involved with my 2 beautiful children and actually started to having meaningful conversations with them about their day and so forth. Everything was humming along nicely... occassionally, my wife would moan a bit about me working too much and I would make a concious decision to stop what i was doing and spend some time just chatting with her.

To my surprise, yesterday she receives a call from her boss's wife... we are both a bit perplexed about it but nothing suspicous. the wife pitches up at our house and my wife hops into the car and chats for an hour... she then comes in the house and says "I have something to tell you... I haven't been entirely honest with you...".

she then tells me that she has been flirting with her boss for the last 6 months and his wife suspects that they are having an affair. very taken aback about this "sudden" pounce of confessions.. i almost turn to her to say that has the OM's W lost her marbles... i just simply can not believe it. the OM W then tells me that emails suggest that they were having sexually orrientated email corrospondence and that they had kissed... my wife admits to this and also admits that the flirting has actually been going on for 2 years but no sexual encounters have taken place. she tells me that the kissing incident happend over 12 months ago and that her boss had initiated it and she briefly responded but pulled away.

She goes further to say that at that time (which would be around the time that we were having problems in our marriage) she felt deserted and depressed and her boss had offered a lending ear and her Boss was also experiencing marriage problems and so they supported one another by listening to each other... even though she insists that nothing physical has happened since that time, she still txt or emailed suggestively but supposedly never went further than that.

to be fair to her boss, I know him well enough to now that he is actually a good man.

after talking almost through the night, my wife definitley seems to be sincere when she says that she is extremely regrettful over everything and wishes to make things work between us.

 

I dont know if i can trust her and as the hours tick by, I become more and more resentful over what has happened. I just feel that perhaps we need some time apart... perhaps i move out but remain at home unitl the kids go to bed at night and be here prior to them waking so that they dont have any suspicions... just until I can make a decision on what to do next...

 

Is this the entirely wrong way to go about this or should I stay in the home and try work things out. Im concerned that by staying in the house, I will not get the "me time" to try analyze everything and make a non-pressured decision on how to move forward.

 

Anyone with some suggestions on your own or similar experiences would be very much appreciated.

 

She could be minimizing her involvement.

 

Suggest a polygraph - to get her truth.

 

She needs to quit the job TODAY!

 

If anyone moves - its HER = she cheated - she moves.

 

Counseling is a must. Especially individual counseling for her.

 

Decide what's best for you - after you learn the TRUTH. Then stick to your HEALTHY BOUNDARY. Be sure not to be her doormat.

 

She needs to be willing to EARN YOUR TRUST BACK - if you decide to work on the M.

 

Sorry for your pain - it really sucks when someone betrays.

 

Stand firm on what's right for YOU!

[whichwayisup]

There is always the trickle truth.. Tell her now that she has to come clean about everything, even if it hurts you. Make it clear to her that lies, hiding ANY details/truths of their A in the past 2 years is what will make you want to leave. The truth is what has to come out even if you don't like what you're going to hear..

 

Don't think ahead, don't make any life altering decisions until you are ready to.

 

I do agree that she needs to quit her job. it's impossible for a marriage to recover if the cheating two still work together and see one another M-F.

[whichwayisup]

She was caught by the OM's wife and she is trying to hide the rest from you

 

You need to be aware of this. Fact is, the A was going on for TWO years behind your back. They got caught and that's the only reason why she told you is because the wife found out. If the wife had not found out, the affair would still be going on.

 

Time will tell if your wife is being genuine, truly is remorseful or if she is just playing the part out of desparation of possibly losing you and the life you two share.

 

She isn't the woman you married, hasn't been for 2 years. Her focus has been somewhere else ON someone else, so she more than likely has emotionally detached from you and is quite attached to her boss AKA the MM. She may still love you but she cannot feel that love because of her intense crush like feelings she has for the MM. IT's like a drug and it feeds her ego and whatever else.

 

Don't blame yourself. She is the one who is broken inside.

[Steadfast]

Sorry mate, she simply told you what you were about to find out anyway. This is not a confession, it's damage control.

 

One more correction; wifey's boss is not a 'good guy'. He's a POS. Even the cruelest, coldest people on earth have some talent or positive traits. In fact, they can be so good at pulling the wool that you feel bad for them! Don't.

 

My advice: send her away for a short time and ask that she not contact you at all. Let her see, feel and taste life wondering what you'll do. One thing is for certain, your wife is not trustworthy. Not yet. Not by a long shot.

 

Breathe!

[BetrayedH]

Unless your wife and her boss are pre-teens, they certainly had sex. No grown adult is going to have a flirting, sexting, kissing relationship for two years and go no further. She is only going to tell you what you already know. And yeah, she didn't confess anything; her affair was discovered and she is in damage control mode. She's going to try to manage you.

 

She has probably already gotten her story straight with the OM and started deleting her text messages, emails, and internet history. You may never know the full truth.

 

You will NEED the full truth in order to even begin to rebuild trust with her. Do your best to convince her that if she wants any hope of rebuilding trust, the ONLY way is for her to come completely clean, show you everything. I have been here a while and experience says that they always lie initially and even if they start coming clean, the truth comes in a trickling fashion which will devastate you and any rebuilding of trust each time it happens. You may be able to forgive the infidelity (take your time making that decision) but you will not be able to recommit the rest of your life to someone that is actively lying to you. She's most certainly still doing it (as she has been doing it for 2 years). She needs to understand that THAT must stop. She must do a full uturn in the honesty department. She also needs to leave the job and commit to no contact with the other man for life.

 

Otherwise, I think her leaving while you reflect is a smart idea. You should not leave. This is a consequence of her actions.

 

Good luck to you. Keep posting. You'll receive a lot of good advice here from people that have been in your shoes (and some bad advice). Keep in mind that there is no need to rush into any decision. You shouldn't commit to forgiveness or divorce anytime in the near future.

[coza]

All valid points!

perhaps I just want to believe her. she has been straight up, well, as far as i can tell...(this has never happened to me before and so I cant be sure. my wife normally is very straight forward with me.)

I asked her for her mobile as I work in the technology sector and told her that I want to retrieve her deleted txt's... she handed the phone right over. I asked her for the MM W's number and she gave it to me. in the past, when the MM had txt her, she would tell me about it... obviously, nothing indicating an A but also not work related either... I just put it down to them being on good terms.

Must this not count for something? I simply cant tell.

[BetrayedH]

All valid points!

perhaps I just want to believe her. she has been straight up, well, as far as i can tell...(this has never happened to me before and so I cant be sure. my wife normally is very straight forward with me.)

I asked her for her mobile as I work in the technology sector and told her that I want to retrieve her deleted txt's... she handed the phone right over. I asked her for the MM W's number and she gave it to me. in the past, when the MM had txt her, she would tell me about it... obviously, nothing indicating an A but also not work related either... I just put it down to them being on good terms.

Must this not count for something? I simply cant tell.

 

I don't mean to sound cruel but all your wife has proven to you is that she is a liar. It's going to take a long while before you'll be able to determine to what extent and whether or not it has stopped.

[coza]

WOW... this is simply the most awful feeling ever. never in a million years would I have thought that such a day would come...

thanks for everyones posts they have really helped. A couple of things to think about. Definitely think the right path is to NOT rush into a decision just yet, try syphon some more information / facts from her. think there'll be another sitdown tonight and run through everything from start to end.

 

thanks everyone.

[Furious]

All valid points!

perhaps I just want to believe her. she has been straight up, well, as far as i can tell...(this has never happened to me before and so I cant be sure. my wife normally is very straight forward with me.)

I asked her for her mobile as I work in the technology sector and told her that I want to retrieve her deleted txt's... she handed the phone right over. I asked her for the MM W's number and she gave it to me. in the past, when the MM had txt her, she would tell me about it... obviously, nothing indicating an A but also not work related either... I just put it down to them being on good terms.

Must this not count for something? I simply cant tell.

 

 

You are in shock right now. You are trying to separate the wife you knew yesterday from the wife you know today.

 

You will be riding many waves of desperation to believe her and then many waves of doubt.

 

As far as your wife goes, right now she is panicked and in self-preservation mode.

 

Initially your wife claimed it was only six months of flirting and only admitted that it was 2 years when the MOM's wife had evidence to dispute it.

 

Your gut is telling you something that your heart does not want to believe.

 

This is only the beginning of a very rough roller coaster ride for you.

Buckle your seat belt and get some counseling to help you navigate this difficult time.

 

Decide not to decide...give it time...let it soak in....and do only what is best for you.

[Artie Lang]

to be fair to her boss, I know him well enough to now that he is actually a good man.

 

how do you suppose he's a "good" man when he was about- or maybe already did -bang your wife???

 

:::SCRATCHING HEAD:::

[whichwayisup]

to be fair to her boss, I know him well enough to now that he is actually a good man.

 

Good men don't have affairs with their employees. Good men don't cheat on their wives.

 

Stop seeing the roses and not wanting to be the bad guy here. YOU ARE NOT the bad guy here at all. You are the innocent one and so is the boss's wife. Boss and your wife are the ones who messed up.

[an6el]

I understand where you are coming from.

 

and I'll tell you how my hubby would react..... HE WILL KILL ME... if I ever cheated on him.... I love him too much to do that... And I'll do worse to him if I caught him.

 

But this is what he would do if he was in your shoes... He'd make me quit my job, stop having any contact with each other (the boss and I). And have to gain his trust again.

 

If even that lucky, he may just leave me....

 

But you should think about it. Is it really going to stop? If she says she won't do it again.... how can you face the fact that she goes to work for work purpose only... At this point you have to be selfish and do what is best for you and your kids... don't raise them around a mother who can't stay faithful and loving to her family. Instead she was going behind her families back with another married man, that's just wrong...

 

I wish you the best... and what ever decision you make, I'll support you Good Luck!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sorry for this man. But yeah trickle truth is common. BetrayedH and I both were hit hard by it.

 

My wife got pregnant and confessed to a one night stand kinda thing...after 3 months of counseling I found out it had been a 4 month affair. They lie to "protect you" when actually it just makes things worse. She needs to understand that to rebuild trust she has show that she can tell the *truth* about the hard things. And she shouldn't underestimate your ability to find the truth for yourself. I snooped like crazy and eventually found what I needed, I even got info from the OM by being nice to him. Online phone records will help you see if they are still texting. My WW and her OM hadn't stopped "checking up" on each other.

 

Also I don't recommend you leave unless you are losing your temper and making things worse. Distance kills relationships, so if you can stay close and not make things worse then stay.

 

And I agree she should find another job. You are going to need that piece of mind. It will help prove she is dedicated to you as well.

[Radu]

I'd also like to add :

- consult a lawyer

- ask for a postnup if you make more than her

- keep in mind that forgiving takes 2-5 yrs, you will never forget; so do not let yourself get bull****ted with 'get over it'

- do the polygraph thing

-trust but verify, verify a lot

- she must quit job immediately

- find the 180 and implement it immediately; your comment about her boss being a nice guy shows you are a bit of a wuss

[96nole]

I'd also like to add :

- consult a lawyer

- ask for a postnup if you make more than her

- keep in mind that forgiving takes 2-5 yrs, you will never forget; so do not let yourself get bull****ted with 'get over it'

- do the polygraph thing

-trust but verify, verify a lot

- she must quit job immediately

- find the 180 and implement it immediately; your comment about her boss being a nice guy shows you are a bit of a wuss

 

Come on, give the guy a break, he just got blown up.

 

Coza: don't believe anything out of your wife's mouth about the affair. Contact the boss's wife ASAP to find out what she know's. How did she find out? You can also use that information to verify if what your wife tells you is the truth. Especially if you talk to the boss' wife before talking to yours.

 

Now that their affair has been exposed, they may go further underground with it. They can learn from their mistakes so it will be harder to get caught again.

[Realist3]

Look, the woman had an affair. What difference do the nitty gritty details make? "We had sex once, or make that 300 times." What difference does it make? Or they didn't have sex, but had an emotional affair where they both wanted to... What difference does it make? She had an affair.

 

 

You don't need to focus of polygraphs, making rash decisions, kicking her out, etc.. You need to focus on whether your relationship is repairable. You learning every little detail is not going to make you feel any better, and making her feel bad is not going to make her want to repair the relationship.

She already feels bad. She feels bad she got caught, but it is the same.

 

The question is what do you want to do, and do you both have the desire to continue your marriage? What's done is done. How do you move forward and I can assure you that isn't reliving her past transgressions in front of your face.

[BetrayedH]

Look, the woman had an affair. What difference do the nitty gritty details make? "We had sex once, or make that 300 times." What difference does it make? Or they didn't have sex, but had an emotional affair where they both wanted to... What difference does it make? She had an affair.

 

 

You don't need to focus of polygraphs, making rash decisions, kicking her out, etc.. You need to focus on whether your relationship is repairable. You learning every little detail is not going to make you feel any better, and making her feel bad is not going to make her want to repair the relationship.

She already feels bad. She feels bad she got caught, but it is the same.

 

The question is what do you want to do, and do you both have the desire to continue your marriage? What's done is done. How do you move forward and I can assure you that isn't reliving her past transgressions in front of your face.

 

I couldn't disagree more. He needs to know if she is going to be truthful now or he will never be able to trust this woman again. Sweeping it under the rug is a recipe for disaster. The best way for him to know that she is now honest and trustworthy is for her to be honest about what is most difficult for her to be honest about. And he can't spend his life wondering. She comes clean or she gets her lying azz kicked to the curb.

[Realist3]

There is only one truth, and that is she had an affair.

 

He could learn about every little detail through a polygraph and it won't make him trust her any more.

[BetrayedH]

There is only one truth, and that is she had an affair.

 

He could learn about every little detail through a polygraph and it won't make him trust her any more.

 

I didn't say anything about a polygraph. I said she needed to get honest and that would build trust. Of course, a polygraph that confirms everything after she comes clean would be a huge win for both of them.

 

Knowing details is not the point (the OP can decide how much detail he wants to hear). Her willingness to share them, however, would be huge. For me, hearing the details was not fun but not the worst problem. The worst problem was that my W kept lying. That ruined us. A big part of me still wishes my W would "get" that. I can forgive the infidelity (and I have plenty to forgive); I couldn't keep the family together with her still lying. The mental movies and stuff like that certainly sucks but it does fade if the other pieces come into place.

[GLDheart]

What happens when your relationship hits a new low someday down the road?

 

I seriosuly ask this because I forgave my EX Five years ago for "a kiss with her boss" just as you are facing right now.

 

Here I am 5 years later DEVASTATED because my EX decided to justify more outside approval and validation. Why did she need this? Because she got a little lonely. I Manned up and started working like crazy 60+ hours a week to get the three of us ahead. Yep, This time around there is a third party dragged through hell: My daughter.

 

The reason I call her my EX is because I'm done. No more. I will never trust her again and so I must move on. I kicked her ass out and regret ever giving her that second chance to betray me. Now I am left with mitigating the damage her selfishness will cause my daughter for her ENTIRE lifetime.

Edited June 25, 2012 by GLDheart

[coza]

we had the sit down tonight... and boy... it came in 3D HD tv. she was straight to the point and so was I. I had totally de-tached myself from my emotions on this matter and I think it paid off. she is still denying sleeping with him but, i think you are right... 2 years down the road... they had to be. her defense was that itthe relationship would go hot for 3 - 4 weeks and then cool down for same... again picking up for a week or two and then cold again. Fact of the matter is that it happened.. and over a period of 2 years. I am absolutely convinced that she has told the truth up to the point that they didnt sleep together.... i think. again the jury is out on that one...

 

i havent told her this yet but tomorrow I'll be informing here (and my kids) that I am booking into a hotel for a week for work up country. i'll then make a call on it. yes, i can see that she regrets that it has happened and i sincerely believe that she loves me but I have two extremely intenlligent kids thati dont want to srew up over the this but perhaps its est to call it a day and try work with a seperated family structure. After taking a week away fom everything, i will have had time to evluate everything and will then make a call on it

[Realist3]

her defense was that itthe relationship would go hot for 3 - 4 weeks and then cool down for same... again picking up for a week or two and then cold again.

 

I don't know if it is a defense, but more or less the truth. At least that has been my experience in my nearly three year affair.

[Realist3]

This post explains a lot about you. Especially the part where you seem to enjoy blaming the bs for the cheaters actions and the need to post things like "don't ask for the truth."

 

Where did i blame the BS for the cheaters actions? And where did I say don't ask for the truth?

 

All I said was that the truth is that there was an affair. The specifics of said affair are not going to change one thing.

 

 

What is the point of pouring gasoline on someone's heart and lighting a match? that is just plain cruel.

[GLDheart]

What is the point of pouring gasoline on someone's heart and lighting a match? that is just plain cruel.

 

I admire your intentions of protecting the betrayed spouse further damage. But there is something to be said about the damage is ALREADY done by the act of the affair itself.

 

The full truth is about starting over. It's about rebuilding a new realtionship based on honesty. It's about proving to the betrayed spouse that you are remorseful for the pain you have caused and are now in it 110%.

 

Noone needs to hear the gory details but in another way that is sometimes EXCATLY what they need to hear to know they are getting what is needed to begin trust anew... THE TRUTH.