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I cannot continue like this...


andrew9292

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Hi, I'm new here but have spent time browsing. It's time for me to tell my story & ask for advice!

 

I am 36, met my wife when I was 20 and have been married for 10 years. We have two children aged 6 and 3 who I adore very much. Life was good – I have my own business, nice house, nice cars and what appeared to be an ideal marriage.

 

However looking back things were not ideal. We met at university and spent 2 years having a long distance relationship living in different cities to get our careers going. When we finally moved in to our first house we picked a place in between where we lived (neutral territory) which was unfortunately in a quiet town. My wife was a teacher and spent long hours doing planning etc and we hardly went out when we were younger. I felt bad for her when she was working these hours so when we had children I offered to work more so she could pack her job in and spend quality time with the kids. It was a good decision because the children have been brought up well by her so far. We moved to another village and she made friends with other mums there whilst I worked hard to build my business. All of my life outside my immediate family is 30 miles away in my home city – my parents, my friends, my work, my hobbies. If I want to do anything then I have to make the round trip so often missed out on a lot of what was happening. I did make friends in the village via my wife's friends husbands, but only the types of people you met in groups.

 

When our 2nd child was born, my wife and I drifted apart to the point where anything we did as a hobby or interest we did it separately. Sadly my wife's mother fell ill 3 years ago with cancer. Whilst her mother was ill I spent all week in work then had the kids to myself all weekend whilst she went home and this went on for several months. It was hard work but I felt I had to do whatever I could to help, almost to the point of exhaustion. When she died it badly affected her and she opted to immerse herself in her family – her sister and her father mainly which was fine by me, but I felt bad that I was cut out of it and unable to help her deal with the grief. It was a very tough time for everyone but I opted to do what my wife wanted to do. I also felt bad that all the work I'd done to help her was now forgotten as she sought her solace elsewhere.

 

Our relationship suffered as a result. I left for work at 8am, got home at 7pm each night. Got in and spent an hour with the kids, bathed them, read them stories, helped with school work & put them to bed. Then I'd eat my tea on my own each night at 8pm ish and tidy the house. Around then my wifes sister would ring her and they'd talk each night for about an hour, then her father. After all this we might talk for a few minutes before she'd go to bed and I'd usually sit downstairs on my own watching crap TV or looking at rubbish on the internet to pass the hours. At weekends I'd take the kids out on a Saturday to do food shopping and to some kind of play area so my wife could have a rest. I support a football team so I went to around 15 homes games a season, usually missed a few because I “wasn't allowed”. We'd also go quite a bit back to her city at weekends to see her family. I liked my father-in-law so didn't mind – at least we went out to the local pub for a drink! I was getting fed up of being sat in my own home but feeling lonely. I bought my wife a mobile phone to ring her family during the day so we could spend time together in the evening but it didn't really work.

 

Fast forward about 12 months of this. My work was now very busy and I decided to employ someone to be my manager/supervisor. I knew of a person who fitted the bill perfectly because she worked at another of my friends places and she wanted to improve her career with responsibility. I knew she'd be ideal for the job and after some discussion she relocated to by my work and started the new role. We got on very well and work flourished. I never considered being attracted to her in any way.

 

A few months after she began working with me we started an affair. I said to her that I only wanted some fun in my life and would never leave my wife and kids for another woman. However I didn't realise how quickly I'd become embroiled in it. She suddenly filled a void in my life that had been missing, plus more that I never knew was missing. We went out together, she joined me on my interests and I did the same with her. For once in my life I felt like I was with someone who wanted to be with me. A few weeks after we started the affair I realised I couldn't stay with my wife. She knew something was up because our relationship fell apart completely. I packed some bags, told her about the OW and left. She was angry and upset with me. I drove to the OW's house and we started to make plans together for the future.

 

Almost immediately though I had massive regrets and remorse. It is difficult to leave someone who has been your partner for 16 years and although you feel the relationship has ended you still care for them and don't wish harm on them. We met a few times to discuss what happened but each time we fell out even worse.

 

I stayed in a hotel for a few weeks and then got my own flat in my home city with the OW. I started to enjoy life again, went out with friends I had neglected over the years and did the things I enjoyed doing without having to ask permission (and usually get told no!).

 

I moved the OW from working with me to a different branch because I thought it was disrespectful to my wife, rubbing her nose in it. Due to other commitments the OW moved back to her home town for a temporary basis (she has horses and decided to move them after Christmas rather than a few weeks before).

 

I spent the next few weeks living on my own, had the children every other weekend which I enjoyed and went back to my old house every Thursday to mind them whilst my wife went out. My relationship with my wife was tolerable – we were not at each others throats but not exactly best friends either.

 

Christmas was coming and I felt terrible for my wife and kids so we decided to spend Christmas together, at her fathers house. I told the OW that I was spending Christmas with them and she was not happy but let me go. I tried to go back to our old life, being happy families but as soon as we returned home the same old traits came back out, we argued and I left again. I resumed contact with the OW who was unaware that I'd even tried to repair my marriage. I continued to live on my own and have the kids every other weekend whilst seeing the OW at weekends too. She was now working at a branch back close to her home and we decided it was the best option to continue with that.

 

I quite enjoyed this life – could do my own thing and still had the companionship of the OW at weekends or occasional extra nights in the week. We decided we would live together when I got divorced and I looked forward to that. I remember not so long ago staying at her place and saying to her that I felt bad that I couldn't be fully in the relationship as I wanted to because I had one arm still tied behind my back due to the fact I was still essentially married.

 

The only reason I wasn't divorced was because my wife was unaware that I was still with the OW. I didn't have the heart to tell her and I knew she wanted us to try to repair our marriage. However I wasn't convinced – our marriage fell apart in the first place and we'd already tried to repair it with bad results.

 

So I decided the only option was for me to return for a 2nd time, we'd spend a few weeks together and then fall out again, finalising our divorce. I told the OW what I was doing and she was not happy but if it meant we could ultimately be together then she'd grin and bear it for a few weeks.

 

My wife and I booked ourselves in for marriage counselling and I moved back around 10 weeks ago. I found it very awkward at first, but my wife this time was putting much more effort in. We went out together and things that would have always caused her to shout at me seemed to pass her by, she was much more relaxed.

 

This is where I got myself into a mess. I felt I couldn't leave again, but still yearned for life back at my flat with the OW. I decided to end things with the OW if I wanted to give my marriage a real proper 2nd try so I did. I stopped responding to texts, phone calls etc and came clean with my wife about everything. She was obviously upset but said if meant we could give our marriage a proper 2nd try then at least I had been honest. I gave her full access to my phone/emails etc and she saw the texts the OW was sending. I felt better that for the first time in months I was being honest and trying to do what was best. However throughout all of it I still very much missed the OW. I had fallen in love with her and I know that being with her would have made me very happy. It was only the guilt of abandoning my family that upset me. I tried my best to make things work with my wife and stayed there. But I'm at a T-junction now – I cannot seem to carry on.

 

I either

a) Tell the OW to properly leave me alone, change my number, anything to end it – even offend her, whatever it takes to leave me alone. This will upset me because I love her very much and loved my time with her. I also worry that my marriage will just fade back to what it always was – a safe, quiet family life and I will regret letting her go. Yes I can have nice holidays, my nice house etc. Also my wife is attractive and articulate, a generally “nice” person so I hope I can rediscover this.

 

Or

b) I leave again, this time resulting in divorce. I move back to my flat and live with the OW. I know that lifestyle will make me happier because I will be back in the area I like doing things I like to do with my friends and my own family. However I know I will always feel massive guilt over what I have done and essentially thrown away – a good person who essentially did nothing wrong. I will also feel very very bad for the kids, I have a very good relationship with them both, esp the eldest who is almost like my best friend too. If this life doesn't work out then it will be a massive gamble that I will have lost.

 

The OW is not as attractive or “classy” as my wife, but she is much more of a companion which is what I value more these days. I'm done with materialistic things, I just want to enjoy life being with people, socialising and experiencing things together.

 

I am so confused and so stressed with not being able to decide what to do. I feel sick constantly and cannot focus or concentrate on anything any more.

 

I know people will write that I am selfish because whilst my wife was grieving I ran off with another woman, but the marriage was going down long before her mother fell ill, and certainly before I met the OW. I would never contemplate cheating before this because it goes against my morals, and yet here I am caught up in this tangled web of deceit.

 

Any help would be massively appreciated. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have

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whichwayisup

I think you should be alone without either woman in your life for a while. No contact with the OW (and I really mean true NC) and limited contact with your wife (dealing with the kids/house etc), seek some one on one counselling with the marriage counsellor.

 

You cannot go back and forth between two women, it's totally unfair to them. Either let the OW go forever (yes, change your number, block her email address, create a new email address) and put your wife first (the OW isn't the innocent victim in all this either, she KNEW you were married and allowed the A to happen, so she knows the drill when it comes to affairs) the only innocent person here is your child and your wife. They deserve your FULL attention and to be your number one priority. Not the OW. Sure the OW will hurt, but the time you invested in her is so little than what you share/shared with your wife.

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I'm gonna try the harsh approach that you're looking for and probably need.

 

Dude. Wake up. Seriously, I mean...wake the F up!! Your marriage is no different than any other in that the "fun" begins to wane in later years. Let me guess, right around year 7? The 7 year itch? The reason most marriages wane is quite simple ~ COMMUNICATION. Both of you stopped communicating the way you did before the kids and early on in your relationship. It happens. However, what should NOT happen is looking elsewhere to "fill your void". How do I know? Simple, it's exactly what my wife did to me. She sought attention from another guy and thought that's what she really needed. Meanwhile, in her head, she made the marriage out to be pretty unsatisfying even though I was working my ass off to make it work. I knew we had problems, but I had no idea she was banging some other guy! In your post, you said "My wife and I booked ourselves in for marriage counselling and I moved back around 10 weeks ago. I found it very awkward at first, but my wife this time was putting much more effort in." SHE was putting effort into something that for all intents and purposes is YOUR fault. YOU should be putting tons of effort into your marriage.

 

Unless you want to continue living in the land of unicorns and rainbows with the OW. Then, in about 7 years, you're gonna do the exact same thing. Your choice, but I think you'd be a fool to leave your wife for this OW. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. I know that's old hat, but it's true. You never really worked on your lawn. Do so and enjoy.

Edited by SomedayDig
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Wow... do you think you are all that and a bag of chips! You are the one out wetting your winkie, committing adultery with some woman and you feel that you have the right to say your wife put more effort this time into reconciliation. You got balls, I'll give you that.

I'm with SD. Until you wake up and smell the coffee burning on the stove that is your current life, you will never be happy. You know deep inside that what you are doing is wrong. It is immoral, unethical... all the ims and uns!

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You have offered your wife false reconciliation, you've kept the flame alive with the OW and have pretty much lied to both of them.

 

For such a loving father you have moved to another town and seem quite content to see your children every other weekend, meanwhile enjoying the company of the OW.

 

Your worried that if you recommit to your wife and family, you will lose your groovy bachelor pad and the bachelor lifestyle you enjoy.

 

Of course you can't decide what to do, so far you've managed to have your cake and eat it too.

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I'd say the kids have been the biggest cause of upset to me when I lived away, and the single most reason I am back in the family home now.

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OP, I hope you will keep posting. Your perspective is very valuable.

 

IMO, you are staying with your wife for the wrong reasons. You only get one life and more importantly so does your wife.

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OP, I hope you will keep posting. Your perspective is very valuable.

 

IMO, you are staying with your wife for the wrong reasons. You only get one life and more importantly so does your wife.

 

I'll keep posting. I know there are people on here who seem very annoyed with what I've done and that's fair enough. I'm not exactly delighted with my conduct over the last 12 months either, but I've never been in this situation before. I never imagined in 1000 years I'd be in this boat now.

 

I've spent most of my life doing what's best for my wife and often ignoring my own needs in life. Is it so badly wrong to want to do what you enjoy doing in life?

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I'll keep posting. I know there are people on here who seem very annoyed with what I've done and that's fair enough. I'm not exactly delighted with my conduct over the last 12 months either, but I've never been in this situation before. I never imagined in 1000 years I'd be in this boat now.

 

I've spent most of my life doing what's best for my wife and often ignoring my own needs in life. Is it so badly wrong to want to do what you enjoy doing in life?

 

I have noticed a few things like others:

 

1 Your apparent lack of concern for your children while you are flip-flopping between their mother and another person.

 

2. Your lack of concern for both the OW and your BW.

 

They must both be devastated. Your OW must feel totally used in this situation. Either that or she is just a spiteful/malicious vulture waiting on the sidelines for your marriage to fail.

 

As for your wife you have got her trying harder to make it work and meet your needs when you have no real commitment to making it work.

 

3. You clearly have a dilemma and whether it's right or not you feel you have a choice between the 2 women but also may have a choice to keep it going with both. You say it's causing you enormous stress so my advice is make the choice and go all out with it. You've tried out both now so work out what you want as what you are doing now is totally unfair to everyone. There will be negatives to whatever choice you make, that's a given.

 

You ask whether it's badly wrong to do what you enjoy. The answer to this is usually "no" but in this case what you enjoy seems to be having 2 women meeting your needs which happens to also involve mentally torturing (or emotionally abusing) a number of people (including yourself). Why is this enjoyable to you anyway?

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Your children are 6 and 3 years of age. Your wife's mother was ill and dying.

This is a very stressfull period in your lives. Of course "Me Time" is limited.

These are the times where marriages come under intense pressure.

 

Instead of riding out the wave, you chose to have an affair instead.

 

Tell me, will you be happy with another man sitting at your kitchen table, another man seeing and being with your children more than you will.

 

Your wife is young, intelligent and attractive, she will move on.

 

Life, family, and your marriage can be beautiful, you can have it all, and it's right there if you truly want it.

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You cannot make a marriage work just because it is the right thing to do, a marriage or relationship is all about two people (to state the obvious) and in either of your relationships, with OW or your marriage with your wife there have been three of you. I know that along with this there are your children and of course they are your priority, but, you can have a great relationship with them if you and your wife divorce, it happens all the time.

 

TBH it sounds like you aren't giving your all to any of them, both your wife and the OW have reserves of patience and understanding that I wouldn't have and I'll bet if the tables were turned you wouldn't either.

 

Why not get your self sorted before trying to sort anything else. Leave and try being alone for a while while you get yourself sorted. In that way, your wife can build a new life, your OW not feel like a default choice and you get to know you and what you want and need. All this flip flopping and mucking about back and fro helps no one. So, my advice, if your marriage is dead, talk to your wife, then leave, get your life on track, let OW know that this is what you are doing and then go from there and while all this is going on, be the best Dad you can be and concentrate initially on establishing a routine and relationship as an absent Dad with them.

 

No one should live half a life, not you, not your wife, your children or the OW.

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Alice, no no no... She's never gonna meet someone else, let alone bang someone else. That would totally mess up the unicorn pasture!

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frozensprouts

OP,

why do you feel that you have the right to decide for your wife what is right for her? Why not be upfront and honest with her and let her decide what she wants to do...

 

Look at it this way...if you love your kids, then be a read dad to them...don't do things that will hurt them, and cheating on their mom will hurt them. Being honest with your wife and working out what the next steps will be may hurt her, but I can assure you it's a hell of a lot less painful than being cheated on. Also, remember that what your children see in you and your behavior will teach them more about men and relationships that any of your words ever will...what kind of lesson will your being dishonest and cheating on their mom teach them? what kind of lesson will running away to sneak around with someone else while you don't see them teach them?

again, this is the time for honesty. if you don't want to be married to their mom any more they will be hurt, no doubt about that. but it will hurt a lot less than what you are doing now.

put them first...not you, not your wife, not your other woman.

 

either commit to your marriage 100% or leave...there really is no middle ground

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I have noticed a few things like others:

 

1 Your apparent lack of concern for your children while you are flip-flopping between their mother and another person.

 

I am very concerned about my children. If I had no children then I think I would leave. One of the main reasons I have not left recently is that I cannot bear the thought of telling them that I am leaving again.

 

2. Your lack of concern for both the OW and your BW.

 

They must both be devastated. Your OW must feel totally used in this situation. Either that or she is just a spiteful/malicious vulture waiting on the sidelines for your marriage to fail.

 

As for your wife you have got her trying harder to make it work and meet your needs when you have no real commitment to making it work.

 

My worry is trying to make something work again which failed. Is it possible to make permanent changes to a relationship or are changes made just temporary? I suppose this is what I am trying to work out - are things going to slip back to how they used to be because if they are then I'd rather not be there.

 

3. You clearly have a dilemma and whether it's right or not you feel you have a choice between the 2 women but also may have a choice to keep it going with both. You say it's causing you enormous stress so my advice is make the choice and go all out with it. You've tried out both now so work out what you want as what you are doing now is totally unfair to everyone. There will be negatives to whatever choice you make, that's a given.

 

You ask whether it's badly wrong to do what you enjoy. The answer to this is usually "no" but in this case what you enjoy seems to be having 2 women meeting your needs which happens to also involve mentally torturing (or emotionally abusing) a number of people (including yourself). Why is this enjoyable to you anyway?

 

It is not enjoyable to anyone any more. When people say I am having the best of both worlds I can assure you that whilst it might have been like that initially it definitely is not the case now. In fact it is probably the worst of both worlds. Making this decision is so difficult, it is this that I struggle with.

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It is not enjoyable to anyone any more. When people say I am having the best of both worlds I can assure you that whilst it might have been like that initially it definitely is not the case now. In fact it is probably the worst of both worlds. Making this decision is so difficult, it is this that I struggle with.

 

I'm confused then, because you asked if it was wrong to want something you "enjoy". What exactly did you mean that you "enjoy" about all this?

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I'm confused then, because you asked if it was wrong to want something you "enjoy". What exactly did you mean that you "enjoy" about all this?

 

I meant enjoy my own life if I left. I'm not enjoying life at all being stuck in the limbo. I feel like I would want to leave so I can start doing things in life that I enjoy myself for a change - it's this part that I question because it sounds selfish.

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imperfectangel
I meant enjoy my own life if I left. I'm not enjoying life at all being stuck in the limbo. I feel like I would want to leave so I can start doing things in life that I enjoy myself for a change - it's this part that I question because it sounds selfish.

 

 

As a ex ow myself please just make up your mind or at least tell her you don't know what you want -leave her free to decide what SHE wants you can't toy with people's feelings and emotions and just pick them up and drop them whenever you feel like it

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I meant enjoy my own life if I left. I'm not enjoying life at all being stuck in the limbo. I feel like I would want to leave so I can start doing things in life that I enjoy myself for a change - it's this part that I question because it sounds selfish.

 

 

In a healthy marriage there is room for personal space and hobbies.

Some years you're tied down more because of small children, work, and financial obligations. That is reality, but this is when it's important to get away as just a couple, to bring intimacy back into your lives.

 

It just sounds like you are being selfish, it's all about you.

 

I'm sure your wife feels boxed in and would love to have a man on the side and apartment out of town whilst you do the majority of the child rearing.

 

Life would be great....if reality didn't interfere.

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I'll keep posting. I know there are people on here who seem very annoyed with what I've done and that's fair enough. I'm not exactly delighted with my conduct over the last 12 months either, but I've never been in this situation before. I never imagined in 1000 years I'd be in this boat now.

 

I've spent most of my life doing what's best for my wife and often ignoring my own needs in life. Is it so badly wrong to want to do what you enjoy doing in life?

 

 

Wa! Wa! Poor me! Until you lose this attitude and figure out what is wrong within yourself and quit trying to blame your wife or so-called issues in the marriage you stand no chance at happiness with any partner. Irregardless of any issues with your wife and family, something led you to throw away everything right and decent and cheat. Figure out your issues and the rest will fall into place. Individual counselling is in order.

And by the way, I was the cheater.

Edited by thomasb
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Wa! Wa! Poor me! Until you lose this attitude and figure out what is wrong within yourself and quit trying to blame your wife or so-called issues in the marriage you stand no chance at happiness with any partner. Irregardless of any issues with your wife and family, something led you to throw away everything right and decent and cheat. Figure out your issues and the rest will fall into place. Individual counselling is in order.

And by the way, I was the cheater.

 

What did you learn about yourself?

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Learn to be happy on your own first - without ANY women!!!

 

Focus on your KIDS for now. Also focus on counseling to become better at being YOU all on your own.

 

You are broken - no need to offer half a man to ANY woman.

 

Give it at least a year without any woman before deciding anything permanent.

 

Stay NC with the OW for sure!

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Andrew, it sounds like you have been a good and dutiful and obedient son and husband all your life....but NEVER voiced your needs or instituted boundaries for you and what you wanted. You just went along.

 

This is the classic mid-life crises where you are looking for some freedom and some fun, but you never voiced it to your spouse.

 

You voiced it to your OW and she seems to accept your flip-flopping.

 

You need to figure out what you want; who you need, how you envision your future, maybe for the first time in your life.

 

If you marry your OW, won;t she want a house and children too? Could you wind up in the future with your OW in exactly the same situation as you are now with your wife? No fun, less freedom, more financial responsibility?

 

If you and your wife devoted the same amount of time to each other as you and your single OW do, have the same fun, pursue hobbies and interests together, would you re-commit to the marriage?

 

You have to find your voice. Only you can determine what you need out of life, then it your job to make your needs known.

 

Until you do you shouldn't have a relationship with anyone. You cannot continue to drift through life hoping something or someone out there will make it right for you.

 

It won't happen because wherever you go, there you will be.

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Andrew, it sounds like you have been a good and dutiful and obedient son and husband all your life....but NEVER voiced your needs or instituted boundaries for you and what you wanted. You just went along.

 

This is the classic mid-life crises where you are looking for some freedom and some fun, but you never voiced it to your spouse.

 

You voiced it to your OW and she seems to accept your flip-flopping.

 

You need to figure out what you want; who you need, how you envision your future, maybe for the first time in your life.

 

If you marry your OW, won;t she want a house and children too? Could you wind up in the future with your OW in exactly the same situation as you are now with your wife? No fun, less freedom, more financial responsibility?

 

If you and your wife devoted the same amount of time to each other as you and your single OW do, have the same fun, pursue hobbies and interests together, would you re-commit to the marriage?

 

You have to find your voice. Only you can determine what you need out of life, then it your job to make your needs known.

 

Until you do you shouldn't have a relationship with anyone. You cannot continue to drift through life hoping something or someone out there will make it right for you.

 

It won't happen because wherever you go, there you will be.

 

Best if he finds himself by being on his own for a LONG while.

 

Otherwise he will blame either hid W - his OW - or BOTH!

 

When he determines that HE is the ONLY ONE responsible for the choices HE has made - and will make in the future - THAT is when he may learn how to be happy.

 

Blaming anyone else for your unhappiness - especially when you have caused so much harm to these women - is just SO wrong!

 

YOU did this - its all on YOU.

 

YOU can change it. But it won't happen until you point that finger at how YOU participated and OWN IT.

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I meant enjoy my own life if I left. I'm not enjoying life at all being stuck in the limbo. I feel like I would want to leave so I can start doing things in life that I enjoy myself for a change - it's this part that I question because it sounds selfish.

 

Andrew, I'm glad you're still posting here despite all the challenging responses.

 

Actually though (and you might not believe this), what a lot of the posters here are saying are exactly spot on. Even more interesting to an outside casual observer (me), is that you have posters from the all sides of the affair triangle (CS (you), BS, and AP) who are all telling you the same thing! And that is to make a decision already!

 

What are your thoughts about that? The thought that pretty much everyone is telling you the same thing, despite whether they were formally in your position as a cheater, your OW's position, or the position of your wife?

 

I hope someday in a year or so after you've made your decision, you will look up this thread and be able to see the truth in most of the words here.

 

BTW, you sound almost verbatim to some of the cr*p that my H said during his affair.

 

I think Spark1111's post at the top of this page nails it...what do you think? Were you always the type of guy to go along with what everyone wanted?

 

Please, go talk to someone objective about all this.

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