Does the Cheater ever "un"demonize... do they ever realize that they rewrote history?

[GLDheart]

I am stunned by the way my Ex has demonized me. I feel like I've been betrayed so deeply... and to have my history re-written and tainted on top of it all... it's just so tragic.

 

Is there ever a time when the Waywards see the insanity of justifying things and blaming the Betrayed for the affair? Does reality ever set back in?

[96nole]

Oh boy do they rewrite history and demonize. My ex has completely re-written history. In her mind:

-I didn't act like I wanted to be married for two years ( I was home being faithful while she was out being a cheating whore)

 

-Never talked or had conversations (recently she's asked me question of why something was done the way it was, I then would remind her of the conversation we had about it and where we had it. Boils down to the fact that she wasn't paying attention)

 

-says I always interrupt her ( I can't count how many time I was trying to tell her about something that happened and she would interrupt me. Even to the point that I would have to ask her to stop)

 

-recently she said she wasn't going to say sorry because she's been saying sorry for 5 years. ( I really don't know where she is getting that one. Must be more bullsh*t from the dirtbag making me out to the the bad guy)

 

Then to demonize me:

I didn't make her feel special everyday

I didn't make her feel like a queen everyday

I didn't put her on a pedestal everyday

I didn't try to hold her everyday

I didn't beg her to come back and tell her that I can't live without her.

I didn't do the small things ( to which I responded, I may not have done all the small things but I certainly did all the big things. Her response: "Like what? What? What did you do? Tell me anything you did" I won't bother going into all that I've done for her on this post)

One evening after D-day #2 I was talking to her in front of her parents. Her father asked if this could be saved. She said probably not because she doesn't think I can change.

 

THANK GOD I CAN'T CHANGE!!!!!!!! If I change it would make me a lying, cheating, disrespectful, dishonorable, piece of sh*t just Like her

[reboot]

Not in my experience. If they were the type of people that could empathize with someone else, who could feel the pain in others, then they wouldn't be cheaters in the first place.

[GLDheart]

I'm feeling your hurt 96nole. Literally.

 

For me, ten years of history means alot of ties to her side of the family. She has a few uncles in particular that I really got along with. These are people I would appreciate even without her as the link between us... just men with mutual respect between us. I also really admire her father in many ways and I appreciate the way he was to me.

 

The violation of ten solid years between my ex and I is bad. To have her taint my memory in the minds of OTHER people I cared about is just so hurtful.

 

To do it all to save her precious ego just feels so damned selfish.

 

I'm working (yes it is real work) everday to forgive her, heal, and move on from her affair and betrayal. BUT, this woman just keeps layering on the hurt.

 

I have maintained strict No Contact since day one. Truthfully she is behaving like noone I would want to talk to anyway. I'm walking tall like it all doesn't bother me... but of course it does.

 

Will it ever stop? Will she ever repent? I know that question will be answered in time by her and her alone but I'm wondering about the peole that have walked her path before. Do "they" ever stop? Do "they" ever repent?

[freestyle]

From what I understand---it IS possible that they will wake up to the reality of their actions when the fog clears--

 

IF---they take the time to work on themselves. I've been reading here long enough to know of a few cases.

 

I'm very sorry you're having to go through this--it heaps insult upon injury to have one's character assassinated, on top of being betrayed.

 

The only comfort I can offer you--is that eventually----perceptive people will notice who's hands are dirty from slinging mud.

[beenburned]

The former WS's that are truly remorseful and regret their actions will eventually see how they manipulated people to justify their cheating.

 

Not only recognize it, but also apologize to their spouse, family, friends that they lied to during that time period.

 

In my own case, it took H about a couple of years for the entire far reaching gravity of the situation to dawn on him.(although he begged for reconciliation about a month after d-day)

 

Be patient, it doesn't happen all at once, but gradually.

 

In WS's that are NOT remorseful, sometimes it never happens, even after divorcing them!

[freestyle]

 

 

 

In WS's that are NOT remorseful, sometimes it never happens, even after divorcing them!

 

 

There are some people who are so badly broken, and unable to bear their own shame---that they will always project it onto someone else.

 

And that's about THEM--not those who they malign.

[Furious]

Ironically if you implement No Contact, the WS will use that against you by rationalizing that it's proof you did not love them or ever did love them and it's your fault they had the affair.

 

On the other hand, if you do cry and beg for them, they see it as weak on your part and it only reaffirms the WS's conviction you were in the wrong and were the cause of all the problems otherwise you wouldn't be begging them to come back.

 

In the end you can't win when the WS is so self absorbed and drunk on ego juice.

[96nole]

I honestly don't believe my ex will ever repent. In her mind, she did nothing wrong. She acted remorseful after D-Day #1. But not an ounce of it after D-Day #2.

 

For my own ego I would love to hear her claim it was the biggest mistake of her life. I don't think she is capable of it. And I'm not going to sit around waiting for it. Besides, after a few more loose ends are tied up, I'm hoping to never see her again, talk to her again, or deal with her in any way, shape, or form ever again.

[SoMovinOn]

STBXW has come around to reality, 3 years after D-Day. ... but I don't think it's out of compassion, love, empathy or any other positive emotion. It's just more of her being selfish. Her life is in a shambles, she's alienated everyone in her life, she has no one, no where to go ... so, now I'm looking pretty good to her. I get regular apologies and she tells me how much she was wrong, she screwed up ... and I get zero satisfaction from any of it. I just want her to leave. I'd love for her to move on and have a wonderful, happy life ... alone, or with someone else, not me.

[beenburned]

BNB,

 

How would a spouse determine whether their partner was just selfish and self centered or truly NPD?

[Snowflower]

IMO, my husband's demonizing of me, our marriage, and our life together has been the single most hurtful aspect of his affair. That was the biggest betrayal to me.

 

I have no clue exactly what cr*p he spewed to the OW but it couldn't have been pretty. I never saw more than a few cursory emails, thank goodness.

 

I don't think that part of the betrayal will ever leave me.

 

I have no idea whether a cheating spouse ever really "gets" this.

[Radagast]

I am stunned by the way my Ex has demonized me. I feel like I've been betrayed so deeply... and to have my history re-written and tainted on top of it all... it's just so tragic.

 

Is there ever a time when the Waywards see the insanity of justifying things and blaming the Betrayed for the affair? Does reality ever set back in?

 

I did the opposite, until later in the affair when I got counselling. Before then, I'd just accepted without question my ex-wife's demonisation of everyone, of men, of me. I saw her as a victim that had been broken and put upon by the world, who was allowed a free pass because of that. And it was my duty to fix her, so when she continued to be broken, it was my fault for not fixing her.

 

Counselling taught me to recognise the limits of responsibility, that I was responsible for my own behaviour but not hers, and that I wasn't the demon she made out - nor was every single other member of my gender, including our son, and that she didn't get a free pass just because she was broken. She needed to take responsibility for her own behaviour, instead of shoving it off on me and me taking it on.

 

Part of that involved a healthy "rewrite" of history. Instead of seeing it all as rosy, happy and healthy, when the photographs as well as extended family memories told a very different story, I came to see it for what it had been, and to acknowledge that in accepting that treatment I had been complicit and enabling.

 

Like the abused child who is finally able to recover when he acknowledges that his parents didn't love him, I was finally able to love and be loved in a healthy, normal relationship when I was able to recognise and name my marriage for what it was, and to acknowledge my ex-wife's part in that as well as my own.

[turnera]

Yes, some of them do lose the fog and realize what they did. Most especially the ones who quit the affair and go back to the BS. Then they start seeing, day to day, the truth. Some good articles:

 

Anatomy of an Affair | Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

 

Ending Your Affair and Returning to Your Marriage - Part 1: Introduction - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

 

Still dealing with affair fog « Not Over It

 

Fence Sitters

 

affair fog - Emotional Affair Journey

 

What is “Affair Fog”Anyway? :Infidelity Recovery Center

[96nole]

IMO, my husband's demonizing of me, our marriage, and our life together has been the single most hurtful aspect of his affair. That was the biggest betrayal to me.

 

I have no clue exactly what cr*p he spewed to the OW but it couldn't have been pretty. I never saw more than a few cursory emails, thank goodness.

 

I don't think that part of the betrayal will ever leave me.

 

I have no idea whether a cheating spouse ever really "gets" this .

 

They can't unless they have been a betrayed spouse themselves.

 

Let's say I grab your hand and put it on a hot stove. You feel the pain and let out a scream. Your jerk your hand away and hold it up so you can see the burns to your hand

 

I hear you scream. I see your tears. I see your hand is burnt. But I have no idea how much it really hurts. I can try and tell you I understand the pain, but the truth of the matter is I have no idea how much it hurts.

 

That's no different than what a cheating spouse does to the betrayed spouse. The CS throws the BS onto the hot stove and then expects BS to just get up and brush it off because they can't understand the pain.

[GLDheart]

My ex WAS cheated on by her two prior long term relationships. She DOES know the pain. In my opinion, this is the exact reason for it.

 

She needs to believe that I deserve to be punished to be able to look at herself in the mirror.

 

In fact she seems to be walking around all "empowered". She's like an abused that finally has taken the power back and reflected the hurt onto me.

 

FYI, I have not been with any other women (always faithful) since our relationship started... Or since it ended for that matter.

[freestyle]

My ex WAS cheated on by her two prior long term relationships. She DOES know the pain.

 

 

Seeing as how she's rewritten history concerning your relationship with her---

 

Is it possible that she's also lying about the previous long-term relationships?

 

Do you have any proof of it happening in her previous Rs, or do you only have her word?

 

(just another possible angle to consider...)

[96nole]

I am not sure about this. Mr. Messy's OW (according to them ???) was cheated on in previous relationships. I guess I see too many AP on here who have been BS first and go on to aid in introducing others to the pain.

I'm referring to the cheating spouse as the one that can't understand. In your case that would be Mr. Messy, not the OW. Unless Mr. Messy was cheated on in the past, he wouldn't be able to understand your pain.

 

As for his OW, since she was cheated on in the past, how much less does that say about her if she had no problem being the OW in an affair that will hurt you. Knowing the pain as I now do, I don't think I could ever get involved with a married woman.

[olddirtyspatula]

My ex WAS cheated on by her two prior long term relationships. She DOES know the pain. In my opinion, this is the exact reason for it.

 

She needs to believe that I deserve to be punished to be able to look at herself in the mirror.

 

In fact she seems to be walking around all "empowered". She's like an abused that finally has taken the power back and reflected the hurt onto me.

 

FYI, I have not been with any other women (always faithful) since our relationship started... Or since it ended for that matter.

 

It sounds like she has cognitive dissonance written all over her. For whatever reasons she feels compelled to do the things she's doing and the real reason is either unknown or unacceptable to her so she has invented a credible-enough reason to explain it to herself. If that's the case, she is currently pretty convinced of the false reason but it fades eventually.

[96nole]

:oOoops Sorry I misunderstood.

 

That's OK. I figured that's all it was.

[GLDheart]

Here is an excerpt I believe written by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D. that I found at:

 

When a man leaves a woman (Part 1) | Relationship Matters

 

 

 

"® DEMONIZING THE MATE: The man is a decent person who is aware that his

conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. He begins to feel

great guilt- yet, he continues his relationship with the other woman. In

order to reconcile the conflict between his view of himself as a moral

being and his unacceptable conduct, he resorts demonizing his wife as a

justification for his behavior. He ascribed to his wife many negative

and unforgivable traits and behaviors. She may be seen as an inept

person, wife and mother or even evil.

® REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably

faulted, she has been so for the whole duration of the marriage. The

husband recreates a view of historical suffering and pain he has

endured. He may say, “I have been unhappy in this marriage for twenty

years” or, “She has made every day of our married life a miserable day”.

It is clear that it is a recreated story because of the exaggerated

nature of the comment, its_ intensity and the lack of balance. The

husband assumes no personal responsibility for his role in the so-called

“long term suffering”. He seeks approval and support of others for

having been a victim, which in his mind fully justifies his abandoning

the family.

® PUNISHING THE MATE: The man retells his newly developed view of his

suffering often enough to believe that his wife deserves to be punished.

She is the “offender” and his “persecutor” and thus needs to be dealt

with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial

withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. He believes

that his wife is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him,

sometimes not even those allowed by law. “She received enough advantages

by having been married to me, she is entitled to nothing else”. In many

cases he may attempt to deprive his wife equal, fair or appropriate

access to the children. Needless to say, this divorce will be very

bitter, lengthy, costly, and detrimental to the children.

® SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all his vengeance, the man still wants the

affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough even

his wife. He wants her to accept that she was primarily responsible for

the break _up of the family and realize that he had no other choice but

to act as he did. Sadly, he may impart this view upon the children who

are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep seeded guilt the man

experiences about having left his family for another woman continues to

plague him. For many, the strain within the original family leaves

permanent emotional scars."

 

 

For the record, and my sanity, I have a shoe box of evidence. She can re-write her history, but not mine.

 

p.s. the article clearly shows a bit of gender bias as, in reality, it doesn't seem to matter if it was the woman or the man justifying the affair.

Edited June 21, 2012 by GLDheart

[freestyle]

That's a very comprehensive description of disowned guilt---good article.

 

 

Did you give any thought to what I asked you in Post #19? DO you think it's a possibility?

[Steadfast]

My ex did...sort of. One night out of the blue, I get a strange text from her and cutting to the chase, the wheels were coming off. I ignored it until my daughter (who got a similar message) said she was worried and would I please check on her? Never in a thousand year did I expect that. My ex was very cruel and yes, rewrote much of our history to justify her actions.

 

So while many of us have suffered through this, the reality is many of the things she accused me of were true. How hard is it to list the things (or actions) you don't like about your spouse? Especially after 16-years? Still, much of the revision wasn't accurate and even then, hurting as I was, I knew what she was doing. What I didn't know was if she really meant it.

 

Now, four years on I can say without hesitation that the emotions her revisionist statements caused motivated me to work on my issues. Looking deeper, just saying that to someone exposes the true nature of the person doing the revising. Love (or true love) grows during strife and trouble; it doesn't fade. Rewriting history is more than justifying bad behavior, lying and betrayal, it's fabricating lies to leave someone you vowed you'd love, honor and protect...because the truth won't support it! And it was that -more than anything- that strengthened my resolve to move on. To not work on the marriage. To give her what she wanted. What's the old saying? Be careful what you ask for; you just might get it.

 

That night? I'll skip the boring details and report she wanted me to know I was a 'good man' and was sorry for being mean. I smiled, told her she did me a favor and left. She appeared to have no idea what to say or do next.

[GLDheart]

Did you give any thought to what I asked you in Post #19? DO you think it's a possibility?

 

She painted ATROCIOUS images of both of her two other long term BF's. I never gave it a second thought before except "wow what dirt bags" and "this poor girl".

 

Her allegations included cheating and various forms of other "abuse" at thier hands.

 

So, now that I have become #3 long term ex and to answer your question: YES. I'd put money on the fact that they aren't as bad (at the very least) as she made them out to be.

[freestyle]

She painted ATROCIOUS images of both of her two other long term BF's. I never gave it a second thought before except "wow what dirt bags" and "this poor girl".

 

Her allegations included cheating and various forms of other "abuse" at thier hands.

 

So, now that I have become #3 long term ex and to answer your question: YES. I'd put money on the fact that they aren't as bad (at the very least) as she made them out to be.

 

 

Does it help to realize that it probably wasn't just you? Meaning, does it help to depersonalize it for you?

 

It's possible ---that everything she accused her exes of---was actually her OWN behavior---projection. There are people who do it pathologically, and it can be very damaging to those on the receiving end (both personally, and socially)

 

UNTIL---we step back and look at the bigger picture, and the track record.

 

 

I've been going through being demonized & smear campaigned by a former friend myself---(not a romantic partner, but a trusted friend of many years)

 

It dawned on me that this is an ongoing pattern with her, I'm just the Villain Du Jour.

 

(a victim MUST have a villain, after all, it's helps keep the drama cycle going)

 

Wishing you my best as you go through this--it's very painful experience.