How has infedelity changed you?

[Furious]

It's been less than a year since I discovered my by husbands affair and these past months I've become a changed person.

 

Some changes have been positive and some so alien to who I used to be.

In away it's like disassembling who you were, who you are now, and who you hope to become with time. I think I'm on the right track but some days I'm not so sure.

 

This is an open question and those on the other side of infedelity are more than welcome to share how it's also changed them.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Furious
Needed to edit last sentence

[Radagast]

Infidelity changed me significantly. It forced me to take stock of who I was and how I was living my life, and to take charge of my life and put it on a path I was happy with to a destination of my own choosing instead of being a passenger in someone else's vehicle.

[nofool4u]

Here are the ways dealing with infidelity has changed me:

 

-I now have more of a backbone

 

-I have a lower tolerance now for game playing

 

-I am more guarded and keep my feelings in check more

 

-One thing about a SO's behavior I don't like in terms of social interactions, flirting, cheating, etc. there are no 2nd chances. Diss me, and they can get out.

 

-I'll never get married ever again.

 

I'm sure there is more to the list, but nothing readily comes to mind;)

[Spark1111]

I focus on my feelings, my wants, my needs more.

 

I have learned how to express myself in a kind, clear and direct manner, although I had to express A LOT of anger to get to that point.

 

I no longer sit on feelings, resentments, or tolerate unacceptable behavior from others, in hopes they will change.

 

I make no excuses for anyone including myself.

 

It is not my job to rescue others anymore. God! That was a hard lesson to learn! (I've been doing it my whole life.)

 

I am guarded, but in a healthy way.

 

I cannot control the wants, needs, behaviors, desires of others; I am only in control of my reaction to them.

 

I have a lot less patience? tolerance? for bs or nonsense or drama.

[Radagast]

I focus on my feelings, my wants, my needs more.

 

I have learned how to express myself in a kind, clear and direct manner, although I had to express A LOT of anger to get to that point.

 

I no longer sit on feelings, resentments, or tolerate unacceptable behavior from others, in hopes they will change.

 

I make no excuses for anyone including myself.

 

It is not my job to rescue others anymore. God! That was a hard lesson to learn! (I've been doing it my whole life.)

 

I am guarded, but in a healthy way.

 

I cannot control the wants, needs, behaviors, desires of others; I am only in control of my reaction to them.

 

I have a lot less patience? tolerance? for bs or nonsense or drama.

 

I could have written this.

[2sunny]

I focus on my feelings, my wants, my needs more.

 

I have learned how to express myself in a kind, clear and direct manner, although I had to express A LOT of anger to get to that point.

 

I no longer sit on feelings, resentments, or tolerate unacceptable behavior from others, in hopes they will change.

 

I make no excuses for anyone including myself.

 

It is not my job to rescue others anymore. God! That was a hard lesson to learn! (I've been doing it my whole life.)

 

I am guarded, but in a healthy way.

 

I cannot control the wants, needs, behaviors, desires of others; I am only in control of my reaction to them.

 

I have a lot less patience? tolerance? for bs or nonsense or drama.

 

This is me!

 

I no longer depend on others for MY happiness.

 

I have a healthy, solid boundary and I speak my truth by having a voice.

 

I'm happy on my own... I am stronger now and an independent woman.

 

I don't get concerned with whether or not someone is going to like me.

 

I feel free!

[frozensprouts]

infidelity changes?

 

negative changes...

 

I not longer blindly trust anyone, i no loner believe "love" is all that is needed, I realize that people aren't as inherantly "good" as I used to think...people often have a "dark side"...and sometimes it doesn't take much to have it come out, I now know people will say whatever you want to hear and will lie to your face to further their own ends, I now know that a person is capable of rationalizing just about any bad behavior you can imagine in order to either cover their own rear or to pretend that they are not responsible for their actions causing hurt to someone else..., that people who are, in most other areas pretty decent, can still inflict huge amounts of pain on others without a pang of guilt or a prick to their conscience....I've learned that some peole just don't get, nor will they ever, how much they have hurt someone else...some people are so damned self centered that it's just plain pathetic

 

In other words, the world is a great place, but I will never look at it through the innocent eyes that I used to

 

positive changes...

 

I am a "stronger" person, I put more value on the relationships that are woth my time an effort and don't care very much for the rest, that i can be happy and smile again, that I can still feel good about treating people with the same dignity and respect that I always have-even if i don't get it back, I may not be perfect, but I am what I am and if someone doesn't like that-too bad for them,

 

 

there's many more positives, but to be honest, there's more negatives

[SomedayDig]

It changed me in good and bad ways. I used to have a pretty nice ulturistic viewpoint of people. That is no longer the case. I look at everyone pretty much with a guarded skepticism...although I did only learn of my wife's affair in March and I hope I can get past this. As for me, well again, I have become a pretty strong person both mentally and physically. I lost more than 20 pounds on the A diet and have been hitting the gym and the heavy bag pretty hard these past several weeks. There is a considerable difference in my physique that my wife and all our friends have taken notice of. My wife enjoys it...which is good. Mentally, I have grown to what Spark wrote, that I don't hide my feelings or tolerate idiocy in my life. I have no problem looking into someone's eyes and telling them the God's honest truth of my heart and feelings. THAT is a major thing for me as I've always been pretty good about stuffing crap down inside myself.

 

Infidelity has also changed me in a spiritual way. Forgiveness is something that I meditate on daily. I haven't fully forgiven my wife and we both agree that there is no time frame on that or my healing. We both talk every day. Those talks don't always need to be intense, though. I've said it before and I will say it again: It absolutely sucks a$$ how I/we got to this point, but I am happy to be here.

[frozensprouts]

i also learned that it's okay to put some of the burden on to someone else...i am used to being very "stoic" and to trying to do everything on my own. i no longer accept people telling me how I should feel...they are welcome to contribute their input, but when It comes down to it I feel the way i feel and if people don't like it, that is their problem, not mine...

 

but

 

as the saying goes,"no man is an island", and when my choices may affect others, i need to take care and consideration for them into my final decisions

[Furious]

I've always been a doer, give me the job and I'll get it done.

Now, I'll do something if I can, and have learned to say no.

 

I am stronger than I thought, and I have kicked some ass.

(that felt great) hahaha

 

I trust, but not unconditionally, and that's a good thing.

 

Negatives...I hate the weight of the reality of my situation, and have trouble sleeping.

 

I miss just having a normal life, a life without triggers that hit me from such random everyday things.

 

I have become more guarded and miss the outgoing attitude I used to have.

[2sure]

Its been almost 2 years since I divorced my serial cheating H.

 

I am more F'd up than ever. Ive moved on with my life, made positive changes, and dont think about him all that much....

 

But I cant trust. In fact, I cant get as far as caring.

[96nole]

Its been almost 2 years since I divorced my serial cheating H.

 

I am more F'd up than ever. Ive moved on with my life, made positive changes, and dont think about him all that much....

 

But I cant trust. In fact, I cant get as far as caring.

 

That's sad. I don't know if IC will help or not.

 

I'm recently divorced from a lying cheating whore myself. For 14 of the 15 years we were together, I would consider them good to great. The last year has really sucked. She has said and done some pretty awful things.

 

But when I go get with someone new again, I will trust. I will care. And I will get remarried. I'm not going to let one piece of sh*t human being ruin my future or my happiness. Perhaps it's time you start changing the way you think as well. Don't let your ex have that kind of power over you.

[sunflower5]

I stand up for myself now.

I am better about making people respect my boundaries.

I have a lower tolerance for drama

I am getting better about not being the "fixer" or problem solver when the problem is not my fault.

I don't trust people very easily anymore.

If we end up divorcing I will NEVER remarry.

My rose colored glasses are shattered and I don't want them fixed.

I WON'T be anyone's fool again.

I am no longer scared to be alone or raise my children on my own.

I have learned what real full blown hate and rage feels like. I thought some pretty dark things that I did not think I was capable of.

Edited June 13, 2012 by sunflower5

[Spark1111]

I've always been a doer, give me the job and I'll get it done.

Now, I'll do something if I can, and have learned to say no.

 

I am stronger than I thought, and I have kicked some ass.

(that felt great) hahaha

 

I trust, but not unconditionally, and that's a good thing.

 

Negatives...I hate the weight of the reality of my situation, and have trouble sleeping.

 

I miss just having a normal life, a life without triggers that hit me from such random everyday things.

 

I have become more guarded and miss the outgoing attitude I used to have.

 

You are right on schedule. Two years out, anger came up from my toes, and resentment that I could not control those triggers, which would send me into a tailspin.

 

I would then resent that I even had to deal with all this nonsense. Plus, I started to really grieve the loss of the life I had created for us!

 

My legacy was forever changed and my pride hurt that I would always be known to myself as a woman who tried to do everything right, but her husband had an affair!

 

Yes, I lost a lot of confidence and optimism which has only recently started to return almost 4.5 years later.

 

Today I am happy, at peace, and approaching indifference.

 

Today I feel sorry for both he and his OW. How pathetic to have those choices in your legacy: The bell that cannot be unrung.

 

I will always have my integrity and honor. And so will you.

 

Give it time.

[Spark1111]

Its been almost 2 years since I divorced my serial cheating H.

 

I am more F'd up than ever. Ive moved on with my life, made positive changes, and dont think about him all that much....

 

But I cant trust. In fact, I cant get as far as caring.

 

Again, on schedule. IC may help. Trust yourself first and foremost always.

 

There is a phase called "the plain of lethal flatness" and it, too, is normal. No longer raging and not quite depressed, there are no great highs or lows, you just don't care.

 

It'll pass....with time. Try something brand new. If it's unconventional, even better; a hobby, a dance class, a guru.

 

Something to get insanely passionate about that is just for you!

[seren]

I was one of the It will never happen to us, people. When people spoke about A's I was adamant that H would never think of cheating, that we had talked about how we would tell each other if we were going down that road la de dah. But, it happened and boy did I learn to eat humble pie. I miss that naive view, but also can see that it was the absolute belief that we were bombproof that meant I missed signs I have seen with hindsight.

I trusted, I trusted with all that I had and that is hard to swallow. That H knew how hard it was for me to trust someone with me and not the smoke and mirrors me and still have an A, hurt beyond belief.

 

It has made me more cynical, less likely to see the glass as always half full. I used to find joy in just being, I needed nothing other than me and he. Now, I have times where joy takes a day off. But, we talk about it.

 

I too used to be the fixer, the Dragon Slayer, now, I look after me a lot more, but still not enough. I am a pleaser and giver, but have learned that I can please and give to myself sometimes too. So, no bad thing. H and I have both changed as a couple, he has stepped up more, has addressed his demons, of which there were many and we are better for it.

 

I wish we had arrived at who we are now without the A, but that we have despite it is, I suppose, a testament to what we always had.

[D-Lish]

It's been 10 years since my marriage fell apart ending in him knocking up another woman. I went into denial mode for a while, probably a good 3-4 years where I just overworked myself and immersed myself in other things.

 

I don't know if I've ever truly recovered from it, I know others have. You get over the person, but not always the experience. I don't think I could trust anyone the same way ever again.

 

A positive change that came of it is that I have much more confidence relying on myself to do things.

[2sunny]

It made me trust less - or at least until someone gives me evidence that they are trust worthy.

[96nole]

It made me no longer have trust in the ex. For 14 years I had absolute trust and faith in her. The 10 months in between D-day 1 and 2, I was watching her email and texts. I have to say that it really sucked. Because of it, there were times that I couldn't look at her without thinking "you're just a cheating bitch" That's not good for any relationship.

 

Looking back now that we are divorced, I see that she was essentially waiting for me to fail in her eyes. She was expecting me to do most of the work.

 

I know it will take longer for me to have absolute trust and faith in someone again. I also know what signs to look for in someone who is cheating or wanting to cheat.

 

I know now that my army is bigger than I thought. For the past few years with the declining health of my grandmother, I was the rock for everyone to lean on. They could depend on me to be steady and make the hard decisions. I was strong after D-day #1. I was strong for my family. I was strong for my ex wife who was going through all the guilt and remorse of hurting me and the OM.

 

After D-day #2, this rock crumbled. All of my friends and family rallied around me. As I've been the rock for them, they were now the rock for me. Several of them stood up for me when the whore would write crap about me on facebook. I couldn't see what she was writing since she had me blocked. A few of my friends flew in from out of state this past weekend to help me move. I was always there for them when they needed me. Now they were there for me.

 

After 4 months, I'm in a much better place than I would be without them. I learned I have a big support group that I can lean on. I will now be an even bigger supporter for them when they need me.

[2.50 a gallon]

I lost all faith in love and marriage.

 

Women had only one purpose in my life, sexual pleasure, and married women were now on my sexual menu

 

It took me 15 years before I fell in love and trusted again.

 

I will never ever marry again, that piece of paper changes that relationship

[seren]

D'Lish said: You get over the person, but not always the experience. I don't think I could trust anyone the same way ever again.

 

This for me sums it up perfectly, (sadly).

[jackiki]

Well not much! Although I had hurt a lot for the first month, it did not change me a bit, because I am positive that she was the one that had issues, and that there is nothing about me that needed to be fixed or to be dramatically altered. I am still the same person.

But,

my belief in love is stronger than ever. We were in love with each other like crazy, and still the infidelity happened. I just cannot imagine how intense real love is, so it keeps people together for the rest of their lives I am looking forward to feel it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I read probably about 20 self help books...learned a lot about relationships, needs, communication patterns, etc. I will never trust like I did before, I will not ignore the signs. I know what I need now if this ever happens again and I will go through much less drama before asking for what I need. I learned what my limits are, what I can and cannot handle in a relationship. I learned more about anger and where I fall in the spectrum of anger styles. I've learned there are flip\more extreme sides to things people want in a marriage:

 

Empathy vs mind reading

Boundary setting vs abusive threats

Assertiveness vs Criticism and blame

Care & Love vs smothering

Forgiveness vs enablement

 

Finding the balance between the above items is a big challenge.

 

I still have more change and learning to do as we go through the divorce process and I begin to cope with being single again. I've been with her for exactly half of my life... Definitely more to learn. I'm starting up IC again.

[MxStmp]

I have become much more suspicious, questioning many little things that otherwise might have gone unnoticed since my wife's EA. I now keep a daily journal in which I write my deepest thoughts, fears, etc. It helps me look back and resolve some of the negativity I've felt. It hasn't been a cure-all. I'm still angry, I guess. I've begun to realize that no one really gives a crap about me except me. My wants/needs/desires don't count for much. It's a hell of a way to go through life. Some days I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Other days, it seems like the proverbial on-coming train. I'm trying to work through it.

[nofool4u]

Another way infidelity has changed me. Whenever I'd hear about someone cheating on someone else, of course I would think its horrible, but didn't really put much effort into thinking about it.

 

Now if I hear of someone cheating, that person now becomes crap to me. I take a little more interest in sticking up for the betrayed person now.