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lieing & cheating


framingx3mimi

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framingx3mimi

I just don't know what to do. This posting isn't about me it's about my sister. I'm looking for some insight on how I can help her through this very difficult situation. So the story is she's been with the same man for over 8 years now and they have a son together also. They've had an open relationship but ended it and got through it. Since then she's been checking up on him, going through his phone and looking at his internet activity. Two weeks ago she discovered he was up to his old ways talking to girls online and stuff. She wasn't ok but decided to try and get through it because she does love him and they do have a son together. Since then she's recently discovered he's been lieing to her there whole relationship. She's found emails, pick up website memberships, and countless craigslist postings looking to hook up. He denies ever physically meeting anyone but she doesn't know what to believe. I don't know how to help her through this and I can't bear to listen to her cry anymore. How can I help her?

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YellowShark

She has to leave. There is no other answer. They had an open relationship which is already very toxic, and now he is trolling anywhere and everywhere he can regardless of their "new rules."

 

She will never win this battle. Never. He will destroy her unless she saves herself from certain heartbreak. He's a lost cause, an unrepentant serial cheater bent on infidelity and swinging. She is not. It's a no-brainer.

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By being there for her, and being supportive and loving.

but try to refrain from becoming over-involved and embroiled in the main crux of the drama, because in the end, it will be an exhausting and thankless task.

Listen.

9 times out of 10, she will just want to put it out there, and vent.

Women do that, they share, they express, they get things out of their system.

Hard as it may be, even with all or any evidence stacked against him, try not to take sides.

 

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, he too "has his story to tell."

Even if the bottom line should read, "I am the world's biggest douchebag" it's still his story.

 

bear in mind that originally they had agreed to having an open relationship...

You go on to say -

"...but ended it and got through it."

 

This would imply two things:

One of them wasn't comfortable or completely agreeable to this arrangement, and two, it would seem that 'one' was probably your sister.

which further suggests the 'openness' was to accommodate his high sex drive, because there seemed to be a situation where a one-to-one commitment for him was not something he could adhere to - but that eventually he seemed to agree to taking that route.

on the surface.

underneath, he could not change the person he was.

 

Now, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever if any of the above is correct, but if it is, then this was just a bomb waiting to explode.

 

Some people cannot in all good faith, commit to monogamy.

I myself have often said it's not actually natural for humans to be monogamous - we are not monogamous creatures. If we were, the divorce industry would be out of business, and we'd all be married to our childhood sweethearts.

we're conditioned to be monogamous, but we're not programmed or hard-wired for it.

 

some people can do it, would never cheat, and hate, detest and cannot abide the thought of it.

that's fine, that's how they have grown to be educated. But I bet they have had more than one partner....

Some people can, and do, live within an open relationship.

And that's fine too.

The problem is when you get two opposing views, or an inability to agree to different views.

And cheating is unacceptable.

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framingx3mimi

I know I need to be there for her, I'm just scared of saying the wrong thing. She's looking to me for answers that I can't give her. I've also grown to love this man as a brother and don't want to see them end so I find myself defending him. I'm trying to just listen to her vent and to reassure her that she did nothing wrong, while staying objective but it's hard.

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You have to understand that everything ends, one way or the other.

the main thing is how, and how to keep it healthy.

at the risk of sounding self-righteous, their relationship isn't actually your concern.

the main concern, the uppermost priority is the welfare and well-being of your nephew.

how is he being dealt with in all this?

If your sister is his main carer, and she's falling to pieces, what is he witnessing?

 

it's possible they need someone stable to get a real grip on this situation, sit them both down and metaphorically knock their heads together.

In short they should get counselling.

Professional counselling.

That's neither your job, nor your responsibility, because by your own admission, being so close makes you uncomfortable.

get her to a doctor for referral, or encourage her/him to get individual/joint counselling.

They sound as if they need it.

Impartial, professionally-trained accredited support.

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framingx3mimi

My nephew is only 3 so he doesn'tknow what's going on so thats good. They know they need to talk to someone but I think my sister's too ashamed. Its not my problem but it is. They've been my legal guardians since i was 14, theyre all the family i have. Now I have to just sit back and watch it fall apart, while trying to be strong for my sister.

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My niece was three when her parents split, and trust me, they pick up vibes, they're not dumb.

Give the kid credit, he will know something is up.

They might not be able to articulate eloquently, but they know damn well when mummy's sad or stressed.

 

See, every post you reveal something new.

Now we discover they're your primary carers.

So naturally, you feel you owe them something, and that's understandable.

Yes, you owe them, but not this. nobody expects you to have to deal with this.

Unfair, and completely unacceptable....

 

Maybe you could write down something along these lines, and give them both a copy to read...

 

"I don't want either of you to comment, reply or say anything to me, or respond to what you are about to read.

There is something clearly, drastically wrong with your relationship right now, and you owe it to your son, to each other, and to me, to be adult about it, face your responsibilities and work through it.

you need to communicate and maybe you both need counselling, but i'm watching something wonderful fall apart at the seams here, and it's breaking my heart.

I don't know how bad things are, or whether you will stay together and work on this, or work on this to end it in a healthy way for everyone.

but you both need to do something positive for one another, and face the fact that something is terribly, terribly wrong.

Please - talk to each other.

And sort it."

 

This is merely a suggestion.

I don't know whether it would work, but right now, it doesn't look as if you'd have much to lose.

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Seems she decided they did not have an open relationship anymore and he decided to continue with it but just do it behind her back.

My best advice....be there for her. Listen to her. GET HER A THERAPIST!! She needs firm boundaries with this guy and she needs to firmly and fiercely stand her ground.

If he thinks she will put up with it he will keep doing it. If he realises she is serious than either he will clean up his act or leave. Either way your sister will be better off. She can't spend her life with a man who repeatedly cheats on her. It is soul crushing, self esteem killing and dangerous to her health. Who knows what she could catch from him.

 

She deserves a happy life....be it with him or without him.

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