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How you acted after you found out...


frozensprouts

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frozensprouts

Finding out that your spouse has been cheating can make one act in ways they don't like...almost turn them into someone they don't even recognize. This seems so unfair, as it's just another price a betrayed spouse pays for the actions of their wayward spouse...

 

one i found out my husband had been cheating, i really turned into some i didn't like. To cover up what was going on, i lied to my kids, I put up with being treated really badly by my husband ( if i just show him i'm "nice enough", he'll stay), and i became someone who was afraid all the time, which i didn't like.

 

did anyone else find themselves in the same boat? did you find yourself reacting in ways that you didn't like?

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Gulf-Delta

Oh yes.

 

In my situation she wasn't dating the guy...she just told me she "liked someone else". I immediatly teared up, punch my wall, and walked out. It really sucks because we were broken up, but still friends, and at the moment she told me, we were about to have sex. Then I opened my mouth and asked if the was someone else.

 

I cried like crazy, still do about sometimes.

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Ninja'sHusband

My WW confessed so that made it a lot easier. I was actually proud of how I reacted. She was so relieved she made love to me that night...I wasn't all that enthusiastic but eventually caved.

 

Now what went badly was when I found out it was a 4 month vs 1 night A(of course she lied about it to my face when confronted).

Actually even that didn't go all that bad. I was certainly pretty angry.. What really made me blow my top was the next week when I found out there was STILL stuff she hadn't told me about how it started. Especially the bit about how she took steps to make sure she wouldn't get kicked out of class first...then went and risked her family's future. I confronted her, didn't get the truth so I started screaming at the top of my lungs, cursing, threatening, etc. The whole D process right now has turned me into someone I don't like. I yelled at her again today...and she told me I was abusive. Probably right...but F man, have an A, split our family, split all our stuff counting my music gear but not her MA class expenses over the years??? And I'll probably be paying crazy alimony and child support for God knows how many years. All cause she wanted to F someone else on the side and not take responsibility for it.

 

RANT RANT RANT.......I'm angry....can anyone tell?? :rolleyes::p:laugh: :mad::mad::mad:

 

Abusive? Really? How about how she abused my love and trust and destroyed our friggin lives!!

 

Yeah I'm not liking me too much right now. I was talking to my cousin the other day about this mess (the WHOLE family knows now) and she said she thought it would take a lot to send me into a rage. I think she's right. The **** I'm having to do with right now is INSANE!!!!!

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SomedayDig

Like bent, I too found myself once again. I've always been a pretty strong willed person, however I never thought I could stand in this darkness and survive. My initial reaction, though when I spoke to the xOM on Dday night, was pretty bad. When I get very angry, I don't yell. My voice gets very calm and deliberate. I'm sure that can be unnerving for the person on the other end. Anyway, I told him that if he ever tried to contact my wife in any way whatsoever that I would kill him. I meant it. That was the worst that I ever got. I know that everyone says "why didn't you threaten your WW"? Well, I kind of did when I walked out of the house the following week when she TT'd me on stuff. By walking out, it was just like saying I'd kill the marriage. The first 2 weeks I was in a daze. These last 7 weeks I can see myself getting progressively stronger. Not only have I got my WW's full and complete attention and respect, but I feel good about myself. I've had to take my ego out of the equation on occasion and that certainly helps me to understand her. Doesn't make it right...I just understand and can empathize.

 

Then there's this place. In our household, this is my time. This is my place to vent. This is my place to take my experiences and put them out there in hopes that maybe, just maybe someone else might take comfort in that they are not alone. I might also be able to give some advice. It may not be the best advice. I'm trying, though. That also makes me feel good.

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Soul_Lost

I was caught blindsided. My former WW and I were not seperated but were living apart because of jobs. We had done this before.

 

I walked into the house one weekend after work and just told her that I felt like a stranger in my own house. She stopped talking to me and I knew something was going on but couldn't put my finger on it. She sat me down and confessed. It took another 6 months before I realized the extent of it (through snooping of course). We talked for hours and hours and hours the next month or so. I lost 40 pounds because I couldn't eat. I still had to work and that was a pain.

 

I was an emotional wreck but I had to put up a front because life was still marching on. It took me about a year to get back to where I was pre Dday. I will not ever be the same person I was although I wasn't a bad guy to begin with. It's taken a long time to realize that the affair was not about me. That's the key.

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findingnemo

I changed when I found out. I started going out with my friends more, I spent more time in my office, I suddenly felt no guilt doing other things and being elsewhere. I wasn't leaving...there was no question about it. But the infidelity gave me freedom. The more I found out, the more free I felt. I loved the new me. My mother thought I was being selfish but I figured I deserved it.

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drifter777
Finding out that your spouse has been cheating can make one act in ways they don't like...almost turn them into someone they don't even recognize. This seems so unfair, as it's just another price a betrayed spouse pays for the actions of their wayward spouse...

 

one i found out my husband had been cheating, i really turned into some i didn't like. To cover up what was going on, i lied to my kids, I put up with being treated really badly by my husband ( if i just show him i'm "nice enough", he'll stay), and i became someone who was afraid all the time, which i didn't like.

 

did anyone else find themselves in the same boat? did you find yourself reacting in ways that you didn't like?

 

Wow, this is very similar to my reaction. Thinking back I see that I was in a state of shock coupled with a desperate, desperate desire to put the whole horrible mess behind me. I thought it would get better over time and tried to stuff it away in the back of my mind. Another powerful motivator at the time was my 7 year-old son and my desperate (there's that word again) desire to provide a "stable" family environment for him. The problem was that as time passed, all of the anger, pain, disgust, etc., in me surfaced and I began to hate my wife. But I hated myself even more for reconciling long before I was in a state of mind to make such an important life decision. I saw my behavior as weak and needy and felt a tremendous burden of shame.

 

I was overwhelmed with the horror of her betrayal and it literally turned my world upside down. I have since learned that my desperation to right my emotional ship is a very common reaction. We see offering cheap forgiveness to our cheating spouse as a temporary life-raft at a time we are emotionally drowning. How could we not take this route?

 

I'm still dealing with the shame and anger I feel with myself for not being strong enough to walk away and take the time to make a rational decision. I'm trying to give myself a break, but I judge myself very harshly and am not sure I will ever find peace with what I see as a horrible decision.

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frozensprouts

I'm still dealing with the shame and anger I feel with myself for not being strong enough to walk away and take the time to make a rational decision. I'm trying to give myself a break, but I judge myself very harshly and am not sure I will ever find peace with what I see as a horrible decision.

 

try not to be too hard on yourself...

 

you made a decision that seemed like the best one you could make given all the factors and the knowledge that you had at the time

 

I'm still mad with myself for lying to my kids about what was going on, and it turns out they knew what was going on anyway ( at least my two oldest did)...

they were good friends with my god friends daughter, who overheard her mom and dad talking about what was going on between us. She told my daughters ( in a very limited way, as she was a child and had a child's understanding of what was going on). My two oldest came and asked me "where daddy was", and i lied and said he was 'away with he army". They never questioned what I told them, and I hated lying to them. But there were really young then ( nine and eleven). I felt even worse when my kids and I went out for a walk one evening and happened to come across my husband and his other woman together. My daughter's have never said anything about it, but they knew I was lying.

I lied to my son too, but he was even younger( six at the time). One night it was really hot and my son and I couldn't sleep. About four in the morning we were out on our front step watching movies on our portable dvd player, and my son asked me where daddy was. Again, I lied.

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try not to be too hard on yourself...

 

you made a decision that seemed like the best one you could make given all the factors and the knowledge that you had at the time

 

I'm still mad with myself for lying to my kids about what was going on, and it turns out they knew what was going on anyway ( at least my two oldest did)...

they were good friends with my god friends daughter, who overheard her mom and dad talking about what was going on between us. She told my daughters ( in a very limited way, as she was a child and had a child's understanding of what was going on). My two oldest came and asked me "where daddy was", and i lied and said he was 'away with he army". They never questioned what I told them, and I hated lying to them. But there were really young then ( nine and eleven). I felt even worse when my kids and I went out for a walk one evening and happened to come across my husband and his other woman together. My daughter's have never said anything about it, but they knew I was lying.

I lied to my son too, but he was even younger( six at the time). One night it was really hot and my son and I couldn't sleep. About four in the morning we were out on our front step watching movies on our portable dvd player, and my son asked me where daddy was. Again, I lied.

 

I don't think your kids will hate you for lying, but your daughters and son should know that it was your decision at the time not to involve them because of the age.

 

The bolded part is what i'm harping about to WS who use the f.ucked up logic of 'what my family doesn't know won't hurt them' and 'lots of kids grow up in divorced houses and turn up fine anyway'.

I literally want to put them in jail for their view on life and to somehow make them see the devastation in their kids eyes when they realise that 'he/she wants to spend time with another grow-up instead of us and mommy/daddy'.

 

I hope it turned out fine for you frozen.

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drifter777
try not to be too hard on yourself...

 

you made a decision that seemed like the best one you could make given all the factors and the knowledge that you had at the time

 

I'm still mad with myself for lying to my kids about what was going on, and it turns out they knew what was going on anyway ( at least my two oldest did)...

they were good friends with my god friends daughter, who overheard her mom and dad talking about what was going on between us. She told my daughters ( in a very limited way, as she was a child and had a child's understanding of what was going on). My two oldest came and asked me "where daddy was", and i lied and said he was 'away with he army". They never questioned what I told them, and I hated lying to them. But there were really young then ( nine and eleven). I felt even worse when my kids and I went out for a walk one evening and happened to come across my husband and his other woman together. My daughter's have never said anything about it, but they knew I was lying.

I lied to my son too, but he was even younger( six at the time). One night it was really hot and my son and I couldn't sleep. About four in the morning we were out on our front step watching movies on our portable dvd player, and my son asked me where daddy was. Again, I lied.

The regret you feel for not being honest with your kids is completely understandable to me and a reflection of state of mind most of us are in the wake of d-day. Tell me, are you still too ashamed of what your husband did and your subsequent decision to withhold the truth from them to have a conversation about it with your kids? Do you regret your decision to reconcile for any reason?

 

It's not the first time someone has told me not to be so hard on myself, but I have so much regret for the decision I made that this advice has no effect on me. I have been in IC for a long time and have only made progress in understanding how f'd up my thinking was due to the shock of what I heard on d-day. I probably made it worse by refusing to reveal what she did to me to anyone. My shame and embarrassment made it impossible to get any help from family, friends, or even my counselor at the time. The regret I felt then was insurmountable. The shame I feel now is nearly as intense, although at least I've shared in IC. My wife refuses to discuss what she did, probably the reason I'm still active on LS. I have told her that her attitude in unacceptable and she needs to discuss this with her IC. I'm being patient but will not wait much longer.

 

This is a great topic and I'm surprised more BS's are not chiming in with their stories. It's certainly a shared experience and it's interesting to see both the similarities and differences in our reactions.

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beenburned

FS,

 

I feel like I made the right decision at that point in time, based on my young children's best interest.

 

I also based my decision on what I later found out was a total lie by him.(was not his first affair)

 

Also, at the time this happened, I had no knowledge at all about affairs or the best way to handle the reconciliation.

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SoMovinOn

I am very even keeled, to the point where most people don't know my emotion unless I tell them (except when it is extreme, which it rarely is).

 

I guess I went through all the normal emotions - hurt, anger... I guess it was mostly those two actually. I *hate* being lied to. I always say, I can handle any truth, but I can't stand a single lie.

 

She lied, repeatedly ... trickle truth. It took months. Which kept making me feel hurt and angry.

 

As to how I acted though... I did pretty well (IMO). I'm not someone who yells or gets physical. I like to talk things through. It was hard though, because, we'd talk and I'd think we had it worked out, and then I'd find out it was based on a lie.

 

I think how I acted was fine. ... but I wish I would have been more angry, less accepting. I wish I would have kicked her out as soon as I found out. Now, it's years later and all I want is for her to be gone, and I can't get rid of her.

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frozensprouts
The regret you feel for not being honest with your kids is completely understandable to me and a reflection of state of mind most of us are in the wake of d-day. Tell me, are you still too ashamed of what your husband did and your subsequent decision to withhold the truth from them to have a conversation about it with your kids? Do you regret your decision to reconcile for any reason?

 

.

 

no, I don't regret the decision, but the dishonesty of it all still bothers me. We have talked to our kids about it a bit ( at least at a level they can understand), but we have to be very careful, as the last thing I would want to do is have them think less of their dad...in spite of what happened, he really is a great dad to them.

 

One good thing that has come out of this is that we have realized that it's okay for our kids to know when we are having a "fight" ( I don't mean that we yell in front of them or anything like that), but they know that there are times we disagree, but they have also seen that we can work it out, and that it doesn't mean our relationship is "bad" or that we have to split up. They have also seen us work very hard on our relationship, and they know we had counseling, etc. ( we didn't tell them about it, but we didn't hide it either). Hopefully, they have learned that there is no shame in admitting that there is a problem and that it's okay to ask for help if and when you need it.

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but we have to be very careful, as the last thing I would want to do is have them think less of their dad...in spite of what happened, he really is a great dad to them.

 

My mum did this too. I asked her about it recently and she gave me the same reason, she said "I couldn't let you think less of your Dad because he loves you girls so much."

 

I didn't say anything to her, because she is obviously still in pain all these years later about it ... but I feel very sorry for her that she became an accomplice in a cover-up that didn't fool anyone but provided the two of them a way to work thru it with less shame and embarrassment. I think she didn't want us to know because she was ashamed and didn't have a good reason for why she tolerated what she would never encourage us to tolerate.

 

The outcome 20 years later; 3 daughters who have secret and unhealthy issues in their relationships - but as long as we keep it all behind closed doors and no-one else knows about it - it'll all be OK ....

 

We are all doing the best we can with the information we have at any time - but my mum was a coward for not being honest with us about what was affecting all our lives and she set an example that has provided very real problems for all of us down the track.

 

Whenever we act with deceit and in fear (and covering up for an abusive man is fear-based) we set off energy in our lives that can't be taken back. I really wish I had have learned as a child that truth can be painful, but it's always a much better place to start from. I feel as though my entire childhood was a mirage .... it was all smoke and mirrors to protect dad and legitimise mum's co-dependence. No surprise the patterns keep appearing in my life.

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Ninja'sHusband

Did anyone else do ok initially, but then lose it with repeated trickle truth? That's the way it went for me (and Kidd's story is another good example I think)

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My WW confessed so that made it a lot easier. I was actually proud of how I reacted. She was so relieved she made love to me that night...I wasn't all that enthusiastic but eventually caved.

 

Now what went badly was when I found out it was a 4 month vs 1 night A(of course she lied about it to my face when confronted).

Actually even that didn't go all that bad. I was certainly pretty angry.. What really made me blow my top was the next week when I found out there was STILL stuff she hadn't told me about how it started. Especially the bit about how she took steps to make sure she wouldn't get kicked out of class first...then went and risked her family's future. I confronted her, didn't get the truth so I started screaming at the top of my lungs, cursing, threatening, etc. The whole D process right now has turned me into someone I don't like. I yelled at her again today...and she told me I was abusive. Probably right...but F man, have an A, split our family, split all our stuff counting my music gear but not her MA class expenses over the years??? And I'll probably be paying crazy alimony and child support for God knows how many years. All cause she wanted to F someone else on the side and not take responsibility for it.

 

RANT RANT RANT.......I'm angry....can anyone tell?? :rolleyes::p:laugh: :mad::mad::mad:

 

Abusive? Really? How about how she abused my love and trust and destroyed our friggin lives!!

 

Yeah I'm not liking me too much right now. I was talking to my cousin the other day about this mess (the WHOLE family knows now) and she said she thought it would take a lot to send me into a rage. I think she's right. The **** I'm having to do with right now is INSANE!!!!!

 

Better to have her move out than to have her there. That way the home can become a peaceful place without the cheater here pretending like she's all innocent.

 

This can be presented Asa consequence for her bad behavior. No need to keep betraying yourself everyday by going along like you're ok with what she's done.

 

And your daughter needs to know what REALLY happened! No sugar coating Moms cheating!

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frozensprouts
My mum did this too. I asked her about it recently and she gave me the same reason, she said "I couldn't let you think less of your Dad because he loves you girls so much."

 

I didn't say anything to her, because she is obviously still in pain all these years later about it ... but I feel very sorry for her that she became an accomplice in a cover-up that didn't fool anyone but provided the two of them a way to work thru it with less shame and embarrassment. I think she didn't want us to know because she was ashamed and didn't have a good reason for why she tolerated what she would never encourage us to tolerate.

 

The outcome 20 years later; 3 daughters who have secret and unhealthy issues in their relationships - but as long as we keep it all behind closed doors and no-one else knows about it - it'll all be OK ....

 

We are all doing the best we can with the information we have at any time - but my mum was a coward for not being honest with us about what was affecting all our lives and she set an example that has provided very real problems for all of us down the track.

 

Whenever we act with deceit and in fear (and covering up for an abusive man is fear-based) we set off energy in our lives that can't be taken back. I really wish I had have learned as a child that truth can be painful, but it's always a much better place to start from. I feel as though my entire childhood was a mirage .... it was all smoke and mirrors to protect dad and legitimise mum's co-dependence. No surprise the patterns keep appearing in my life.

 

I covered it up at the time ( but the two oldest know now a bit of what happened...not all the details, but the gist of the situation) because my kids were pretty young, and two of them have issues that make understanding relationships very difficult at the best of times, let alone something really complicated. They had issues enough to deal with without me adding to it. I had to weigh the potential damage that could be done if I told them vs. if I didn't. At the time, not telling them made the most sense. i still hate that I lied, but looking back, i wouldn't have done that differently.

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Did anyone else do ok initially' date=' but then lose it with repeated trickle truth? That's the way it went for me (and Kidd's story is another good example I think)[/quote']

 

Not really other lies about the incident, just other lies, period... I was surprisingly calm when he told me about his one night stand. I didn't completely lose my s--t until about a month later, when I caught him lying about texting other women (one of the ground rules I laid out right afterward was that he had to show me everything in his phone and delete nothing...I checked his phone one afternoon, found a message, checked it the next day, message gone, and of course he lied about it). I can count on one hand the number of times I have ever SCREAMED at a person, but boy, I sure did that day.

 

I think the biggest change is that I don't seem to have a censor anymore. I'm not proud of it, but I feel like he devalued me in one of the biggest ways possible, so when he's acting like a jerk, I'll tell him. I don't pick fights with him or anything like that, but I don't let him just rail at me like I used to. When he's acting like an ass, I tell him he's an ass. I don't think it's particularly healthy for the relationship, though.

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eleanorrigby
try not to be too hard on yourself...

 

you made a decision that seemed like the best one you could make given all the factors and the knowledge that you had at the time

 

I'm still mad with myself for lying to my kids about what was going on, and it turns out they knew what was going on anyway ( at least my two oldest did)...

they were good friends with my god friends daughter, who overheard her mom and dad talking about what was going on between us. She told my daughters ( in a very limited way, as she was a child and had a child's understanding of what was going on). My two oldest came and asked me "where daddy was", and i lied and said he was 'away with he army". They never questioned what I told them, and I hated lying to them. But there were really young then ( nine and eleven). I felt even worse when my kids and I went out for a walk one evening and happened to come across my husband and his other woman together. My daughter's have never said anything about it, but they knew I was lying.

I lied to my son too, but he was even younger( six at the time). One night it was really hot and my son and I couldn't sleep. About four in the morning we were out on our front step watching movies on our portable dvd player, and my son asked me where daddy was. Again, I lied.

 

 

It seems no matter what we do we probably will wish we had done the opposite. When I found out I told everyone what was going on, including the kids. I was in shock and just f r e a k i n g out. I think at that moment in time I was certifiable. I've often wished that I had kept my mouth shut, especially to the kids because we are still together and have worked out our issues for the most part but now our business is in the street. Forever.

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threebyfate

Flipped out, got my revenge and then divorced him. In retrospect, he wasn't worth the effort.

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frozensprouts
It seems no matter what we do we probably will wish we had done the opposite. When I found out I told everyone what was going on, including the kids. I was in shock and just f r e a k i n g out. I think at that moment in time I was certifiable. I've often wished that I had kept my mouth shut, especially to the kids because we are still together and have worked out our issues for the most part but now our business is in the street. Forever.

 

it's so hard to know what to do...

 

you're expected to make rational decisions t a time when you are feeling anything but rational. it can be hard to know if you are making the right decisions for yourself, let alone anyone else

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When I first found out about my husband's affair, I changed my appearance to look more like her.(I get a little sick just thinking about that now.):sick: I changed my hair style, wore her style of glasses. I thought that if I looked like her he would turn his affections to me instead of her.

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frozensprouts
When I first found out about my husband's affair, I changed my appearance to look more like her.(I get a little sick just thinking about that now.):sick: I changed my hair style, wore her style of glasses. I thought that if I looked like her he would turn his affections to me instead of her.

 

that reminds me of what i did...

my mom was very worried that my self esteem would be ruined by the affair, and suggested that i do some things to make myself feel good. I thought I would color my hair. i went out and bought one of those "at home" dye kids to dye my hair auburn, and it turned out bright red. I ended up looking like ronald mcdonald. That night, i went out with some friends for coffee, and under the florescent lights at Tim Horton's, at looked absolutely grotesque.:laugh:

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drifter777

one i found out my husband had been cheating, i really turned into some i didn't like. To cover up what was going on, i lied to my kids, I put up with being treated really badly by my husband ( if i just show him i'm "nice enough", he'll stay), and i became someone who was afraid all the time, which i didn't like.

 

did anyone else find themselves in the same boat? did you find yourself reacting in ways that you didn't like?

 

Of all the feelings I experienced on d-day it's the state of utter confusion that I remember the most. The shock that my wife, the person I trusted completely, would betray me like this was nearly too much to bear. We separated immediately since she was sure she was in love with OM. Over the next few weeks the only contact I had with her was to arrange to see my son. I was determined to swallow all of the pain and force myself to move past this trauma and begin a new life. I knew it would take a long time, but I also knew that to move forward I had to call on all my courage and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every time I think back on it I feel a dark emptiness and tremendous sadness.

 

I was still in this state of shock and confusion when my wife decided she didn't want to be with OM and begged me to come home. I'll never forgive myself for saying yes and thinking I could just put it all behind me. The anger and self-loathing I still feel is overwhelming at times, although understanding my state of mind back then has helped me begin to forgive myself.

 

From my perspective I believe a BS should separate from their WS on d-day and take whatever time they need before deciding whether to try reconciliation or divorce. They should begin to understand what they are going to need to start to recover from this trauma and focus on taking care of themselves for a while. Most of you will disagree with this approach but given my experience I think this is the best advice I can give.

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Of all the feelings I experienced on d-day it's the state of utter confusion that I remember the most. The shock that my wife, the person I trusted completely, would betray me like this was nearly too much to bear. We separated immediately since she was sure she was in love with OM. Over the next few weeks the only contact I had with her was to arrange to see my son. I was determined to swallow all of the pain and force myself to move past this trauma and begin a new life. I knew it would take a long time, but I also knew that to move forward I had to call on all my courage and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every time I think back on it I feel a dark emptiness and tremendous sadness.

 

I was still in this state of shock and confusion when my wife decided she didn't want to be with OM and begged me to come home. I'll never forgive myself for saying yes and thinking I could just put it all behind me. The anger and self-loathing I still feel is overwhelming at times, although understanding my state of mind back then has helped me begin to forgive myself.

 

From my perspective I believe a BS should separate from their WS on d-day and take whatever time they need before deciding whether to try reconciliation or divorce. They should begin to understand what they are going to need to start to recover from this trauma and focus on taking care of themselves for a while. Most of you will disagree with this approach but given my experience I think this is the best advice I can give.

 

How long ago was this, drifter? Are you still unhappy?

 

I think, even though we saw MC the first time, we did not get through it enough to do what it should. The therapist said he was not a "serial f***er"...her words, I promise and off I went into a land of denial, stuffing down my hurt, etc. I guess I should let her know she was wrong...turns out he was after all.

 

My XH was the same as your wife..."enough talk about it...can't go forward if you are going to talk about it". This last time, when he thought he was negotiating to get me to stay...listen to this...he said "if you will never bring up XXX or XXXXXX again, I'll stay". I said, "gee, as good as that deal is, I don't think so." Finding out that he talked to his first AP from '97 last year in addition to his current AP and I said wth? He said "you're wrong. I don't want her...it would be XXX (current one) if it was either." I guess you can see why I left him!

 

I was hurt, devastated, felt alone, betrayed and every bad thing you can think of. I felt undesirable, unworthy of love and attention and to this day, I have never made it back to my former self-esteem. He, on the other hand, is with a new woman and happy as a pig in sh**.

 

Go figure.

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