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How to stop the mind movies


SomedayDig

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Hi all, I posted a week or so ago in the wrong place on the forums and it never got moved here so I will recant my situation.

Last month I found out my wife had been having an affair for 5 years. Initially, she denied it, but all I had to do was show her the receipt for the hotel I had found that night and it was over. She decided to come painfully clean with me. We both decided that we wanted the marriage to work and we started MC the following week. She has been honest with me (I hope) and has told me alot of the details whenever I have asked questions - and boy have I done that for several weeks. The problem I'm having now is in my brain. We have been married going on 12 years. I know what she's like when we make love. I know her sounds, her moves and everything. I cannot, for the life of me, get the images of her with another guy out of my head. I have tried to think of the two of us. I have tried to simply let it play out and say "it's over now". Nothing seems to work. I thought knowing the details would de-mystify what happened, and it has to an extent, however even before knowing the details I struggled with these "mind movies". I don't know what to do except talk. She has been very empathetic with me and tries to comfort me when I have a bad day. It sometimes just doesn't seem to help.

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Hi there (again!) SDD :)

 

Well, I have been there with those damned mind movies.... in my experience the more you try not to dwell the more you end up dwelling! To be honest I think it's natural, but it sucks doesn't it? The images will go eventually, but one month is still very new, very raw. I'd say, talk as much as you can about it with someone who doesn't mind... perhaps somebody other than your wife, a therapist maybe? That helped me anyway, it might be something to consider. And posting here may help. Good luck anyway, post away and I hope it all works out for you. Sorry you're going through this agony. It will pass. Be kind to yourself....

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YellowShark
...Last month I found out my wife had been having an affair for 5 years... We have been married going on 12 years...

 

Here's my suggestion to you. Leave. It's not worth fixing. Why? She actively betrayed and deceived you for 5 years. 5 years SomedayDig. That's a huge amount of time, and for me it is a complete dealbreaker. She was betraying you for nearly half of your marriage.

 

For half your marriage she lied to your face, was banging another man, using you as a doormat, and playing you for a fool.

 

The only reason she came clean is not because she wanted to, it wasn't because of her "love" for you... it was only because you caught her.. red-handed.. with evidence. That is not a person I would want as my emotional and financial partner for the rest of my life SomedayDig.

 

ETA

 

Put it this way. If you found out someone was stealing from your company for 5 years would you really try to "work it out" with them and keep them on as an employee? No way dude. ;)

Edited by YellowShark
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Knowing the details is NEVER a good idea. Building trust back in your relationship is the primary thing. You should be asking your MC these questions & they can possibly see you separately or refer you to someone else who can help you with this as this is your issue not hers.

 

She owns the deception & needs to do her part to resolve that for as long as that takes. That doesn't mean you get to treat her like a door mat in ANYWAY & making her tell you the details is NOT healthy for either one of you.

 

A five year affair in a twelve year marriage is substantial & there is a ton of work to be done.

 

Do you have children?

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PegNosePete

I'm with YellowShark. She had no problem lying to your face and putting your life at risk from STDs for 5 years. She is not a nice person. She has no respect for you or your marriage. Give her the boot dude.

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Betrayed&Stayed

Sorry to tell you, the movies don't stop. They diminish, but don't stop (at least for me, 4 years and counting).

 

You're situation looks bleak. 5 years! That reality won't really sink in right away. You're still in the shock/denial stage.

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Almost half of your entire marriage (5 years) she has been screwing her lover and now she got a free pass. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you? I hope you have been tested for STD's.

 

She has made a mockery of your marriage for 5 years! Sorry but her actions have clearly indicated that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I also have a hunch that she was willing to screw her lover for 5 years because she thought if you ever found out then you would forgive her anyway so there would be no consequences to her actions. I guess she was correct. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? I wish you luck.

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Thank you all for your honest opinions and feelings. I have been tested and she has been tested and all is negative for STD's. We have two children less than 10 years old, so that is another thing that helped me think about this situation. No, she didn't respect me for one bit for those 5 years and that hurts a ton. However, we decided to work on our marriage. She has owned up to all that she has done over the affair time - a lot of which involved putting blame on me for our lack of communication. I'm not saying I'm over it or have forgiven her at all! But I am not ready to walk away either. I know this is a forum and no one knows the people involved IRL, so while I understand the calls to dump and leave (trust me...I understand), I can only say that we're going to try to be the couple who works through this. I know we have so much work to do, and B&S I appreciate your answering my question with your own situation, but we're willing to do that work. Next time we see our MC, I'm going to ask about IC for myself. My W has said she would like the same for her. I think that is positive. Let this be known, though - I told her that if she ever does this again, that she can count on me walking. Period.

And oldguy, I appreciate your words. In all my anger and sadness, I have done my utmost to not treat her like a doormat. And as of today, my questions about details are done. It is not therapeutic and isn't a way for me to help myself. The MC did tell me that last week...I simply didn't "hear" it until now.

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YellowShark
She has owned up to all that she has done over the affair time -

 

Ok.. Tough love time. She owned up to her affair BECAUSE you busted her red-handed with evidence. Otherwise the affair would *still* be active. Think about that.

 

She is now backpedaling.

 

... a lot of which involved putting blame on me for our lack of communication.

 

Lack of communication DOES NOT EQUAL "an affair." It equals trying to fix the lack of communication. She is not trustworthy and lied to you for nearly half your marriage. She threw you and the kids under a bus for sex and validation from another man. She is broken inside.

 

Look SomedayDig I have totally been where you are now. I cut my EX some slack, did all the crap you are planning to do, (counselling, "one more chance," etc.) I heard all these promises from her infront of the therapist.. and guess what? 3 years later she did it all over again. So I was out the door and gone in less than 4 days. And I should have walked the first time she cheated and not lost another 3 years of my life.

 

I wish you all the best but I will repeat what I said before... If you found out someone was stealing from your company for 5 years would you really try to "work it out" with them and keep them as an employee? No way.

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Someday, I can offer advice on how to reconcile a marriage after infidelity, if that's what you're wanting to hear. I'd tell you that there's no garauntee that it WILL work...but it's been done, and it takes a lot of hard work on both your part and hers, and it typically takes years to recover a marriage.

 

I can't help with the mind movies, however. That specific part I didn't have to deal with.

 

Bottom line is this...what are the two of you DOING to recover your marriage right now?

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Lostinlife4now

Hi Someday....

 

When I was with xmm I asked him what would happened if W found out about the A....We had an 8-year A and he was only married 12....he said SHE WOULD DIVORCE HIM....

 

The only reason your W HAD to come clean is that "SHE GOT CAUGHT".....

xmm NEVER got caught so that's why he is still there.

 

I feel sorry for you and I felt sorry for xMM wife.

 

This situation that you are in will NEVER change. Wife will be good for a little while to get a handle on you and this situation, but 5 years....MUCH TOO long to keep her lying to you! I understand that you have small children, BUT, is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

 

Sounds like maybe your W has some underlying issues. I am glad you are in MC!

 

Good luck and hang in there!

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Betrayed&Stayed
Thank you all for your honest opinions and feelings. I have been tested and she has been tested and all is negative for STD's. We have two children less than 10 years old, so that is another thing that helped me think about this situation. No, she didn't respect me for one bit for those 5 years and that hurts a ton. However, we decided to work on our marriage. She has owned up to all that she has done over the affair time - a lot of which involved putting blame on me for our lack of communication. I'm not saying I'm over it or have forgiven her at all! But I am not ready to walk away either. I know this is a forum and no one knows the people involved IRL, so while I understand the calls to dump and leave (trust me...I understand), I can only say that we're going to try to be the couple who works through this. I know we have so much work to do, and B&S I appreciate your answering my question with your own situation, but we're willing to do that work. Next time we see our MC, I'm going to ask about IC for myself. My W has said she would like the same for her. I think that is positive. Let this be known, though - I told her that if she ever does this again, that she can count on me walking. Period.

And oldguy, I appreciate your words. In all my anger and sadness, I have done my utmost to not treat her like a doormat. And as of today, my questions about details are done. It is not therapeutic and isn't a way for me to help myself. The MC did tell me that last week...I simply didn't "hear" it until now.

 

IC provides a safe place for you to speak freely without your wife being present; and vice versa for her. I was able to work out a lot of questions that I had about my marriage, including if I should stay or leave. Exploring the reasons for staying or leaving.

 

As far as details, some BS's need to know the details. I am one that needed to know details in order to figure out the why's, how's, and when's. Also to gauge the level of the affair, deception and betrayal. For me, not knowing the details sets me up for offering cheap grace.

 

Like you, I have two children in the elementary age group. I will not say that I chose to stay because of them. I will say that the welfare of my children motivated me to stick it out even in the darkest of times. If I eventually decided to walk away, I wanted to say that I gave it all that I had. (A divorce would absolutely devastate my kids.)

 

Good luck. It won't be easy. It's won't be quick.

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despicableME

Five years is a looong time. That's a little less than half of your marriage.

 

Do you know who he was? Did you expose the affair? I hope you didn't just rugsweep the thing.

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Owl...right now she is being open, honest, transparent ~ whatever other buzz word there is. She doesn't hesitate whenever I ask her a question. She has told me how often he would contact her for sex and has even gone online to show me the frequency of the texts via our phone service. Can't see the messages, just the dates and whatnot.

 

Shark...the reality is this is not my job. It is my life. And things aren't as cut and dry as would be in my management position. I apologize if that doesn't answer how you want to hear, but I thank you for your opinion. Just because I don't agree 100% with it doesn't mean I don't find it helpful to me.

 

B&S...we both acknowledge that the marriage was broken before the A and she acknowledges that she chose a horrible way to try to deal with it. I'm not staying for the children, but to deny that I didn't think about them would be a lie. Like you, I need the details to understand the depth of the A and the extent of which she betrayed me and lied. You're right ~ it won't be easy or quick. I don't expect it to be. However, she's 41 and I'm 44. We have long lives still to live. She told me that if she spent every day saying how sorry she was for hurting us, that her lifetime wouldn't be enough time.

 

dME...Yes, he is an acquaintance we know through mutual friends. I exposed the A when I needed to check my emails and used her laptop cuz mine was off. It was pure chance. I definitely didn't rugsweep. As a matter of fact, I confronted the OM that night on the phone. It wasn't pretty. Actually, on his part, it was pretty f'ng sad because he begged me to not tell his W as they had a family. I told him too f'ng bad because I too have a family. I told him he had 2 choices: Come clean to his wife that night or let her find out when she checked her emails. I found out through our friends that she had to confront him.

 

On a side note, I think having a support group, like our friends - who had no idea - is very important. The group of 8 of us have been friends since I came into the picture. They hold no quarter on her and have told her how horrible she behaved, but they also support the fact that we both want our marriage to work. They offer to take our kids so that we can spend an evening out to dinner talking or even just needing a couple hours of alone time at home. I think that is as invaluable as a good MC - which I think we were lucky enough to find. The MC doesn't let anything slide from either of us. We both agree that she is a good fit for us and I feel comfortable with her referring us to IC's.

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The mind movies are simply going to be there. She exiled you to a life with them.

 

Nothing you can do about it. Will the movies be less frequent in the future? I believe so, but they will NEVER go away completely. It is what it is.

 

Only thing you can do is distract yourself when you have them, or take any negative energy and turn it positive.

 

Example, although I divorced my wife shortly after Dday, in the few weeks between when I had a vision, I used that anger, hurt, whatever, at the gym and worked it out. Best thing for me. Exercise relieves stress, and even though you may not have an anger level like I did, I'm sure you have some. Anger can fuel a workout like you won't believe.

 

And the big benefit was I was looking better than ever(I was working out before dday, but the few weeks after I gained more in about 3 weeks than I would have in 3 months).

 

So get a hobby, get a gym membership, start running. Anything you can do to turn negative energy positive.

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nofool...funny you say that because that is one of those things I have thought of. In the last month, I lost 20 pounds. I was a hefty 228 at 5'10" on 3/6. I have an "athletic" body type so I carried it well, but you could definitely see it in my face. Having gotten down to a weight that I haven't seen in about a decade, I am encouraged to get back into working out. I even set a goal weight of 190 and I think its time to dust off the Bowflex that has been dormant for so long. :)

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One more vote for Yellow Shark, there's nothing left to salvage.

 

The mind movies will end, I'm sure. It's been over sixty years for me and they haven't yet but I have faith they will........ some day.

 

I'm VERY sorry that you have suffered this and even more sorry that none of the above is what you want to hear.

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I agree also. Nothing there to save except your own sanity.

 

Five years? Really? She must have been a good liar. Let her live her lie. You live your own life and maybe someday when you find somebody that knows how to be faithful, the mindmovies will stop altogether.

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Ninja'sHusband

Oh man, sorry to kinda share the popular response...but 5 years is a long time. I'd turn into super detective because I seriously doubt that your WW will truly be able to suddenly let go of a 5 yr A on a dime. R is gonna be hell for you guys. She's probably horribly detached at this point =\

 

As for the movies...I still get them...I'm 6 months down the line. My WW's affair was 4 months. Time really is the only thing that helps me, and more affection from WW, though that can be rough at first. You'll need lots of reassurances. Take the classic advice if you aren't doing it already, go to the gym, work out. Feel good about your physical self.

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Thank you all for your honest opinions and feelings. I have been tested and she has been tested and all is negative for STD's. We have two children less than 10 years old, so that is another thing that helped me think about this situation. No, she didn't respect me for one bit for those 5 years and that hurts a ton. However, we decided to work on our marriage. She has owned up to all that she has done over the affair time - a lot of which involved putting blame on me for our lack of communication. I'm not saying I'm over it or have forgiven her at all! But I am not ready to walk away either. I know this is a forum and no one knows the people involved IRL, so while I understand the calls to dump and leave (trust me...I understand), I can only say that we're going to try to be the couple who works through this. I know we have so much work to do, and B&S I appreciate your answering my question with your own situation, but we're willing to do that work. Next time we see our MC, I'm going to ask about IC for myself. My W has said she would like the same for her. I think that is positive. Let this be known, though - I told her that if she ever does this again, that she can count on me walking. Period.

And oldguy, I appreciate your words. In all my anger and sadness, I have done my utmost to not treat her like a doormat. And as of today, my questions about details are done. It is not therapeutic and isn't a way for me to help myself. The MC did tell me that last week...I simply didn't "hear" it until now.

 

 

Time for a DNA test.

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Somedaydig, I have observed from this forum that there are many people who will tell you that she cheated, she lied, leave the b**ch and that those images won't go away. I think you have to decide for you and your WS. They will tell you I'm a liar and I'm just trying to save my own Ass n that's why I don't confess to my H about what I've done but every situation is different. Many people here have hinted or stated for me to move on. I love my husband even if they don't understand my M and how our families were raised and that an A on behalf of a W is unforgivable in my situation.

I think you know your W better than anyone here and I think if you love her and that she loves you that you will find away to heal. I hope that happens for you. You are the one who will feel in your heart what is right.....this is for you and your wife to feel.

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despicableME

Belle, I don't think anyone here has specifically told you to "move on." Would you please stop playing the victim here. You're playing the pity-party bit to a T.

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Looknfoward

Ok, this is what I've learned. This is the first time you confronted her. Most likely she is a gteat liar. Of course when she answers your questions they seem true. She most likely knows what to say. Put a tracker on her phone and I bet youll find out that as soon as she feeels things are good, she will be back at it. 5 years is horrible. Honestly, all she knows now is that she can humiliate, lie , cheat, and not care about you and you will forgive. Research this issue of cheating and you will realize that you need to leave her. Trust me I'm struggling with this also. I heard a saying once and it came from a woman, "Every woman wants a man they can run over, but if they ever have him they will never respect him." One thing is for sure, she haas never respected and she never will. Mental movies won't go away for a reason. Your brain knows you should walk, its your heart that is keeping you there.

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YellowShark

Shark...the reality is this is not my job. It is my life. And things aren't as cut and dry as would be in my management position. I apologize if that doesn't answer how you want to hear, but I thank you for your opinion. Just because I don't agree 100% with it doesn't mean I don't find it helpful to me.

 

You need to do what is right for you. It is not for me to decide. I am only giving advice from my experience. Having been where you are now I realize just after D-Day I wasn't thinking clearly. I would have believed anything my EX promised just to save what we had. Now - (long after the fact) - I realize it was just wishful thinking at the time. But do what you must so at least you can say you tried to fix it. What drove me nuts is always knowing my EX was capable of such lies and deception, I never fully trusted her again, it was a different relationship after D-Day.

 

And youre right, it is not a "management position decision." It is more than that. Your wife threw the people closest to her - (you and the kids) - under a bus for 5 years. Now that I know the OM was married too, well it's just icky that they continued for 5 years betraying both families. Had you not busted them it would still be going on.

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Somedaydig, I have observed from this forum that there are many people who will tell you that she cheated

 

because she did

 

 

she lied

 

because she did

 

 

leave the b**ch

 

not necessarily, but its highly advisable.

 

 

and that those images won't go away.

 

They don't. Sorry, but you know nothing about it. He will never forget. All he can do is come to a point where he doesn't think about it on a daily basis, and it no longer consumes his thoughts. They won't go away, but they can be fewer and farther between with time.

 

 

I think you have to decide for you and your WS.

 

Nobody ever suggests otherwise, and I agree with the above.

 

 

They will tell you I'm a liar and I'm just trying to save my own Ass n that's why I don't confess to my H

 

Uh, thats because you are a liar, you will continue to lie. We say it because its the truth. All anyone needs to do is read the threads you started and they'll know.

 

 

about what I've done but every situation is different.

 

Exactly, like this situation. He isn't in the dark any longer. His wife can't lie to him anymore, which is a far cry from you and your situation.

 

 

Many people here have hinted or stated for me to move on. I love my husband even if they don't understand my M and how our families were raised and that an A on behalf of a W is unforgivable in my situation.

 

Which is why you continue to lie to you H. You are deceiving him intentionally.

 

 

I think you know your W better than anyone here and I think if you love her and that she loves you that you will find away to heal.

 

He can heal, but not without 110% effort from his wife. And that includes NO MORE LYING.

 

I told him what he should do to help. He needs to preoccupy his mind when these "visions" come up. I suggested working out. Its a great motivator.

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