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Wife Affair - Question and support for newbie


MyNewLife2

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I’m new to this site so please go easy on me; will take anyone’s opinion on either side.

 

My wife of 8 years met a married man at a friend's New Year’s party where they had a kiss (I was caring for our crying child). The past months I’ve uncovered lie after lie to find out she is going to work for him, move in with him, and has left the marital home with me remaining with my 2 little kids. We do every other weekend and 2 days during the week. His wife has also since filed for divorce and has a child.

 

I feel like I’m living in a bad movie with the amount of secrets, lies, and cover ups. The worst thing about it is that she’s putting it all on me for my lack of attention, selfishness, etc. and that she’s been “pouring her heart into this marriage for years”. I finally realized this is not on me and I filed for divorce last month. I am fighting a possible losing battle for my kids to keep them safe, shielded, and have some sense of normalcy as she tries to move them 100 miles from their home so she can find happiness in her new life.

 

She moved out last month and last weekend was the first time the kids went to "mommy's house" for the weekend. I was very concerned about the other man being around my kids as they are young and am sure all of this is confusing to them. Out of respect, I specifically asked her to not bring him around me for the drop off and pick up and she said she would be alone all weekend with the kids out of respect for them.

 

Well I picked up my kids and my son was holding a dollar bill; I asked where he got the money and he said "other guy's name". My older one said he played with them all weekend and spent the night. I asked who he was and was told by my child "mommy's boss and her friend". I was told that he slept on the floor in the living room (with mommy) and my oldest child woke up in the middle of the night and mommy went and slept in the bed with my children.

 

She of course denied that he spent the night and only came over for a short period of time to meet the kids; she wants to "slowly transition" him to be around them. I think she's completely lying but even still, I do not feel this is healthy since it is only 3 months into all of this!

 

For the mom's, is it just me or is being around another man at this point messed up and completely wrong?!

 

I still find myself obsessing over how long they could possibly last and have been researching statistics on relationships born out of affairs; especially under these circumstances. I haven't been able to let this go but have no interest in taking her back, so hate this "revenge" piece that I seek to see. If anyone has any comments or experience on this, it would make me feel better. I'm slowly starting to move on and begin to pick up the pieces, just haven't yet been able to let this part go.

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First off, sorry that you are here. It's a truly awful emotional place to be but it DOES get better.

 

To speak to the question of longevity for your stbxe and her BF. That will, statistically speaking, not survive. The length of time they do remain is a variable no one can predict, but I'll do do anyway. They won't last two years. However, there ARE happy and healthy M's that are born as an A. It does happen however rare (and it's rare IMO).

 

Secondly, concerning your children.

Fight. Get junkyard dog mean. It is NOT healthy for them to be exposed to all that. Get them in IC and under the care of a child psychologist. Having said all that, do YOUR best to insulate your kids from your drama, stress, pain and anger. Your lawyer may or may not be able to change the situation. So, hire a PI to investigate the OM specifically seeking a criminal record. The obvious reason is to petition the court that he is a clear and present danger to your children. Call the OM's stbxw and ask her for dirt - she'll gladly provide it. Like I said, get mean and nasty.

 

Never EVER speak ill of their mother or OM in the presence of your kids. It'll confuse them and, given enough time, turn them against you. Don't do it. Ever.

 

Keep fighting. Don't quit.

 

I hope it ends well for you.

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It sounds like you have heard one lie after another.You are not responsible for her actions it sounds like she is

not being realistic.As far as having another man around your kids what is she thinking?It is damaging and kids are smarter then we know.She is acting irresponsible

and childish.I would go to an attorney and find out your

options.I am so sorry you are going through this pain.

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